A Dangerous Liason

[blueberry]

Hi people,

 

First up, thank the lord for this forum. I'm in a bit of a pickle.

 

Bit of background on me. I first joined LS as I was having extreme marital difficulties - namely physical and emotional abuse quickly followed by infidelity (all on his part I hasten to add). After 4 years of this, in Feb this year, I moved out into my own place. And it felt wonderful! Still does.

 

Not long after this I became friendly with a guy in the office. He was quite new and so I hadn't forged any working relationship with him. There was an immediate attraction and I did the obligatory digging around - is he married, kids, blah blah. I was informed that he had a girlfriend and so that was that. I left well enough alone.

 

As time went on, we found ourselves socialising more and more. He has a love of Billiards, and I used to play a lot and so we would jump out in our lunch break and play a couple of games. Usual story - we discovered a crazy connection, very similar backgrounds, experiences, wants and needs. He wouldn't talk about his GF very much. And I didn't ask.

 

One night after a particularly heaving night of beer and billiards, he kissed me. And usual story again - it felt so right blah blah. Later that night he informed me that his GF was infact his Fiancee (do we use an abbrv on that here? a "FIN"?). Anyway, I was suitable p*ssed about this - I felt he had hidden that from me. For some strange reason i could have handled him having a girlfriend - but a fiancee? That is locked and loaded for a future together.

 

I sure as hell got over it quick enough though and the affair escalated. What started out as an EA quickly descended into the seedy pits of a PA. Stolen moments, saucy messages, sychronised days off. All the while I managed to push my thoughts of his FIN to the back of my mind.

 

its been going on for 6 months now and three times we have "broken up" (can you even do that with a man thats not yours??). And three times, after reverting back to the friendship level, we've ended up "getting it on" wherever the hell we could at that particular time. Classy.

 

I feel sick with myself. I swore that after my H's infidelity I would never, ever hurt another "sister". Never would I be the OW because I know how being the BS really hurts. Yet here I am. The scarlet woman. And i'm not quite sure how to extract myself.

 

Now - I bring you to today. We have ended it again and here I am in the office trying not to glance over. He has IM'ed me 4 or 5 times already today.... asking about weekend (no response), asking me out to lunch (i said thanks but no thanks) and now he seems to be getting "moody" with me. Very curt in our work exchanges. I dont want us to be like this but he doesn't seem to understand I just need time to get over "it". Whatever "it" is/was.

 

I am going to avoid going into the whole "but he said he loved me", yadda yadda yadda spiel. He did say all those things that we as lonely women crave to hear - but i think we can safely ascertain that a lot of these men are experts at feeding us lines. I am going to go with the safe and sound option of "actions speak louder than words" - and trust that if he wanted to be with me - he would leave FIN. However i am not going to give him ultimatums on that - it has to be his decision.

 

I can however opt not to play right? And thats what I am struggling with. I really miss his friendship at the moment, and am beginning to fear that we have to put a stop on the friendship, FOREVER. Everytime we go back to friendship, it escalates back into the PA very quickly.

 

I've asked for NC but its a bit hard in the same office. I've tried explaining how i feel and his only response is "ok, i understand". And then 1 hour later asking me out for lunch.

 

I love him truly, madly, deeply. I dont want to lose his friendship but I fear this is my only option. True?

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible to start looking for another job? Or ask for a transfer to another location, depending on the type of work you do?

 

You cannot be friends with this man, at all - Let alone see him daily. The NC has to happen, even at work. Only talk to him about work related issues, other than that, avoid him. Don't look his way, don't acknowledge him, say hello or make ANY kind of small chat with him.

 

This guy is a real piece of crap - He knowingly LIED to you about his status, and all he wants is something on the side.

 

Again, you cannot be friends with him - That friendship is over and was over as soon as you two crossed the line by kissing and it leading to an affair. That innocence, platonic friendship part is over and will never come back.

[Agent_99]

I think that eventually you can be jusr friends. I'm not sure that if it's more than infatuation that the feelings of love ever really go away. BUT if you get your life refocused on you, then maybe your behaviors towards each other canbe 'just friends'.

 

Of course I want to think this because I don't want to lose my MW friendship inthe long run either. Besides the A, as friends we have a lot of fun together and share a lot of common views, but just enough different ones for great conversation.

 

I don't know enough about your particicular situation to really give you advice, maybe just some understanding?

 

~99

[jj33]

Moodiness is to be expected - he isnt getting his way anymore. One thing I found helpful was to say I am asking you as someone who cares about me, to respect my need for space right now. Its a hard thing for someone to say no to. You arent painting him as the enemy and you are clearly setting out your boundaries. That finally got me the space I needed to put things in perspective.

 

As for "friend"... that is an interesting question. What qualities do you look for in a friend? If you believe someone has intentionally deceived you, is that person your friend? Sure people make mistakes and to be fallible is to be human. But I would think long and hard about this one. Did you ever get a suitable explanation if indeed there is one, for him not to have told you he was engaged until you were in a PA?

 

Its natural to want to turn back time and have that comraderie with the person we care for, free of the hurt and resentment of the things that have since transpired. But whether that person is actually your friend remains to be seen.

 

In the meantime it is possible for you to have a civil working relationship once the feelings have settled.

[blueberry]

Thanks for the responses.

 

You've pretty much summed up my fears, looks like we have to end the friendship.

 

Sad isn't it these situations we're in. Make a once-in-a-blue-moon connection with someone - someone that even if they were the same sex you'd consider "turning" for - they're not available as someone got there first, and so you can't even have a platonic friendship for fear of ripping off each others clothes. Makes for damn hot s*x but nothing more.

 

Anyway, I digress.

 

Its not possible to move jobs, nor would I want to. We are both in very good positions with a global company. More to the point - i've been here for 12 years! No way am I throwing that away for the sake of a "bit on the side" (which lets face it, thats all I am / was for him).

 

Interesting day today... him: throwing longing glances my way. me: head down deep in work. Just got this email from him:

 

"i'm finding this really difficult, tbh - this distance between us. probably the best solution though. i miss it...shame we couldnt do the no-strings thing...oh well...some1 will be very very lucky...just pick well hun - oh, and you look really lovely today btw"

 

************

 

errr - wtf? Is he *already* trying to get back into my affections after 4 days of "being apart" - or am I reading into it?

 

I feel like a donkey and he's got the carrot.

 

Hehaw.