Should I move on?

[Spinning Head]

Here goes: I've been involved with a MM for ten months. I'm married but separated a month ago. I was unhappy in my marriage for a long time and began having an affair - which was/is unfair to my H. I decided if I was having an affair, then I did not need to be married and we separated. So far, the separation has been amicable and our two young children have adjusted very well. My H is unaware of the affair.

 

MM tells me how much he loves me and knows me very well. MM has been married 32 years and has two grown sons who are still financially dependent on him. MM told W he wanted to separate in June. MM hired an attorney to prepare a settlement offer. In August, MM signed a six month lease for an apartment. MM has not sent a settlement offer to W and continues to live with W.

 

I spoke to MM this weekend and expressed my unhappiness with his feet dragging. I've been given three dates of when he will move out and all three dates have passed and he remains with his W. I told him I did not think he would ever leave his marriage and that I was tired of the lack of progress. I asked him why he fails to move forward with a separation as he has repeatedly told me he was unhappy in his marriage and desired a future with me. His response was that he did not know except that he is lazy.

 

Will he separate? Or, am I a fool and need to lick my wounds and move on?

[whichwayisup]

Do you have proof of what he's told you?

 

In all honesty, you should end it with him, focus on you and your kids and let MM go until he divorces. Staying in his life and listening to him tell you why he hasn't done this or that will continue for as long as you stay the OW in his life. You do NC, tell him to come find you when he's settled and officially divorced, then date him and take it slow.

 

you also need time to heal and grieve your own loss of your marriage, the change and break up of a family. You can't pop out of a marriage and right into another relationship, that's unhealthy, so don't put that expectation on the MM. The more you push the more he'll do nothing.

[Tyra]

In these types of situations,it's always somebody getting hurt in the end.I think that you should,like you said lick your wounds and move on.Cause he's not going to leave his wife until he's ready,no matter how much you talk to him about this.And that's even if he does that,cause 32 years is a very long time.And lazy? That has nothing to do with this,in my opinion,he really don't won't to do this(divorce).

[Spinning Head]

Actually, I do have proof of certain items. I have seen the contract with the attorney and correspondence from the attorney and have helped MM gather information for the attorney. I have been to the unfurnished apartment.

 

MM made progress towards a separation in June by hiring an attorney and getting things together for the attorney. MM made no progress in July towards the separation. Then there was the apartment lease in August. But, he is still with W.

 

I do love MM - more than I've loved any man in my life. We have great chemistry together and have so many things in common. We have spent a great deal of time together. But, I will admit that each day that passes that MM does nothing, I hurt more and become more disappointed in him.

[whichwayisup]

Then go no contact and let him deal with the end of his marriage without you in his life. He needs time to sort through this and not have to worry about it's affect on you. This is his marriage that's ending and he should do it alone. Sorry but if you stay as the OW while he's in this process you'll probably end up hurting more than just staying away and giving him time. If he really is serious about you, then the D will happen as quickly as possible, not be drawn out.

[whichwayisup]

Also, reguardless of what he does, maybe you should focus on divorcing your husband, setting him free in every way so HE can heal and not get his hopes up that you two might get back together. A divorce has to happen between you two as well.

[GreenX]

I agree with whichwayisup. Let him do what he has to do on his own and you do what you have to do on your own. With you in the picture right now it seems he is carrying on the same way as it has been since you started seeing eachother. Not everyone likes a change. He got away with it on his end and managed for so long so to me he seems like he is just taking things day by day.

 

Question: If he decided to stay with his wife would you try to stay with your husband (work things out)?

 

If you are 100% sure that you and your husband are finished then I would focus on finalizing your divorce before wasting anymore time thinking about your MM's divorce plans.

[Spinning Head]

Yes, I would still separate from my H even if things do not work out with MM. Actually, being involved with MM made me make a change in my marriage in that MM does not have a relationship with his W. MM's marriage and my marriage were alike in that we slept in separate beds, did little together, etc. MM's marriage has been that way for 15+ years. My marriage had been that way for 4 years. I decided that I did not want to be like MM and be in a loveless, sexless, distant marriage for the remainder of my life.

 

Unfortunately, I developed strong feelings for MM and am wrestling with the fact that he claims he loves me and wants a future with me but does nothing.

[whichwayisup]

I decided that I did not want to be like MM and be in a loveless, sexless, distant marriage for the remainder of my life.

 

Did you ever try to sort things out with your husband? Go to marriage counselling with him? Or did you just find yourself in an affair and falling for the MM? I ask this because if you didn't give your marriage your best, one last try to fix it, one day you could regret what you've thrown away.

[2sunny]

separating is different than divorcing.

 

you have referred to separating in your marriage but not referred to divorcing. so what are your intentions?

 

i would concentrate more on your situation and not the MM. what he does is separate from what you intend to do at this juncture.

 

it all seems as though you are somewhere in the middle.

[SoxPrincess]

Hi Spinning Head

 

In regards to him leasing an apartment..did he tell you why he only chose a 6 month lease? Was the length of the lease a decision he made on his own or were/are there plans for the two of you to move in together at the end of the lease (should he eventually move out from living w/ his W)?

 

I ask this because xMM in my situation did the exact same things & said the same things as your MM is telling you. xMM went and saw an Attorney, had the paperwork to show me, told his W he wanted a divorce (well, that's what he told ME, the truth was something different & I'll get into that below), leased an apartment with a 6 month lease and when certain dates passed, he'd say he was lazy, busy, worried, stressed, etc. He used pretty much every excuse in the book and when I would question things, he'd consistently say "I was unhappy in my M before you, if things don't work out with you & I, I am still leaving my W" and at the time, that pacified me.

 

Eventually, he did move out of the marital home & I spent time with him in his apartment; however, we were in a long distance A, so once I flew back home, I truly had no idea where he was spending his time. In the end, even though he had moved out, I still had many, many questions and he didn't have any answers and our A ended. When we said goodbye, I asked what his plans were and he said he was going to look for another apartment but he 150% wasn't moving back home with his W. While I was driving to the airport; he moved out of his apartment and back in with his W and they are still together. I had a chance to talk to his W shortly after our A ended and she told me that when he moved out it was part of a trial separation and the "plan" was always to reconcile. Of course, this was just MY situation; I'm certainly not saying this is what your MM is doing, just trying to relate the situation the best way I know how.

 

Anyway, I guess my point here is to keep your guard up, do NOT be afraid to ask questions and knowing what I know now, my best advice would be to let him go. Tell him you care for him, love him, etc. but this is too painful and when his D is final, you two can communicate then and see where it goes. NC sucks, it's very difficult, it hurts, but in the long run, it's probably best to step back for awhile for your own sanity.

 

Stay strong!!

[BentSpine]

I ask this because if you didn't give your marriage your best, one last try to fix it, one day you could regret what you've thrown away.

Well, Spinning Head, if you feel you haven't had enough of charade already to last you a lifetime, listen to whichwayisup.

[Spinning Head]

Sox Princess - Thank you for your post!!! It is amazing how similiar the xMM/MM are in our lives!

 

My H and I have had marital counseling and individual counseling in the past (before the A began). Actually, my H is enjoying his time alone. I think our separation was an event that was long overdue for the both of us and I think we will eventually divorce - regardless of MM's decision about his marriage.

[wildsoul]

Sox Princess - Thank you for your post!!! It is amazing how similiar the xMM/MM are in our lives!

Yes, Sox Princess, thanks for sharing your story!

 

Spinning Head, I've got a few similarities to your story too. I had already left my M (for the reasons you did) and was separated already. Yet my MM was just starting to really take actions. He rented a room, but like you've experienced, he never really moved out. It started to seem more like a cover story rental, where he could tell his W he as at his rental, when really he was with me.

 

Meanwhile, with his feet dragging, they suffered a financial set back and when pressed, he said that he had to halt the separation process. I broke up with him then (a month ago.)

 

Now, after suffering for a month, he is declaring that financial situation or not, he is going to officially separate. He's looking at single units, not just a room share. He let me know that part of the reason was because I had "pulled the trigger." Otherwise, he was planning on doing this early next year. I'm still sorting this new change out, but I do know this: he would not have taken bigger action steps had I not broken up with him.

 

One bit of wisdom that has helped is knowing this:

 

If you break up with him, you can't lose. Getting out of a situation that isn't giving you what you need, and focusing on your own life is what is needed--no matter what. If it also prompts him to make changes, great (if you even still want him at that point.) But in ANY case, you're going to be feeling more empowered in your life. And as others have said, you've got plenty to do with your own separation/divorce process. Go do it!