anyone waiting around/changing schedule just to spend a moment

[courting17]

I am new to this. it was my mm birthday yesterday and I couldn't even see him because of unexpected plans with family. Once again, my plans are put on the back burner. What do I expect? Why don't I think more of myself? Point is, that when we are together time just stops. I keep saying I'm going to end this but I haven't yet. It's been 2 and a half months and before I really get too attatched I need to say good-bye. Any advice? Why did I fall for someone married????? Idiot!

[Agent_99]

RUN RUN as fast as you can

 

K but seriously. I had the same thing happen on MW b-day. We had made plans to spend the evening together. and next thing I know I get a v/m and a text saying sorry, (gf) throwing me a suprise bday dinner. I was pissed.

 

I handled it badly, text her back saying to never talk to me again, she called and we spent an hour argueing on the phone. I ended up feeling terrible cause I ruined her evening.

 

I've been in my A now for almost 11 months. I couldn't see past the 'high' either.

 

Let me ask you this: Are you here just venting your frustrations, or do you truly want to let him go? If your here to vent, it is okay to say that you are not in a position to stop it. But just try to realize that the holidays are around the corner, and so there will be many of days coming soon.

 

~99

[wildsoul]

I'm happy to report that no, I'm not waiting around. (I broke up with my MM at the end of July.)

 

On the subject of birthdays:

I spent my birthday alone because he had to be with his W that night. Sure, I had a friend celebrate with me the weekend before, and MM sent me 3 birthday cards. But being alone on the actual day, even though I was dating someone, was pathetic. It definitlely made me think ahead towards the upcoming holiday season, and is one (of many) reasons why I broke up with him this summer, rather than drag it out to fall.

 

Advice? Read the archives here. It's very sobering. As unique as our relationships seem to us, the truth is that these affairs run in very predictable patterns.

 

Looking back on mine (that began this past January) I can see how the triangle dynamic was doomed from the start, and it only got harder as we fell more in love. We both knew it. At the time, the incredible highs seemed worth it. But now that I've tasted the agony of the inevitable break up, I'm not so sure. It's been devastatingly hard.

 

You can ask yourself why later. For now, just do what you need to do to clean things up.

[lznhope]

You may be new at this, but be realistic. Your participation in this relationship is going to hurt a lot of people and bring a lot of pain on yourself. Chances are he is telling you about his wife's downfalls. Trust me, if he is willing to have an A with you, he is willing to have one again. How would you like to be his wife right now? Chances are she's not so bad. Do you honestly believe he is being 100% honest? You see him at his utmost best behavior. Trust me he has a bad side you never see.

His integrity says everything. Be careful girl. My husband had an affair. Children got hurt, family got hurt, and in the end, everyone suffered the consequences. I pray you find the strength to walk away. (good luck, you deserve more)

[me003]

My plans were usually a maybe thing. If we did have plans for weekends or my birthday they were pretty much set in stone, just that they were usually delayed a a few hours, but not cancelled.

 

But major holidays were never for me. I would get a text or call, but I could not always respond and if i did I would get a response a few hours later, when the coast was clear.

 

I stopped my end of the relationship in late June. I now make plans and break them if I WANT to, nit because I am waiting for him.

 

Life may not be perfect, but so much has been lifted off. I have realized that I am worth someone's time.

Being away from the A I have realized just how much of me I was giving and how little I was getting back. Those few moments gave me a high, but the moments without him were horrible.

 

Please just walk out and find a person who is going to make you their priority. If you really love this guy and them wait for him to get divorced. He may be the one, but if he is someone else's one, he will never be your one and you will never be his one.

[courting17]

To 99, I am not ready yet. To be quite honest with myself. I know, as we all do that it should end. I mean, I get a phone call from him and I acted like I was having a fabulous week-end. When in reality I'm reading this forum to get some insight. Wildsoul, I hope I can get the strengh, like you did. I need it. These posts are helpful. Makes you feel a little better knowing others are in your boat.

[aloneatnights]

my affair lasted 9 months, thru my bday, christmas and his bday. he gave me money/cash my bday which made me feel absolutely not too great, he text xmas and boxing day. cant remember his bday, i think i ignored it. i even left an ill child to be with him one night, in the hands of his elder brother and that made me change my perspective.when the MM comes first and is more important then its time to cut loose. my advice, get out while its new. 9 months was long enough for me.

every plan will be spare time if and when it happens. his family comes first.

if they want to be with you, nothing will stop them.

i wish i could wave a magic wand and put everyone back to not hurting, including myself

[Oggie_23]

I agree with all of these people. If he if willing to cheat on his wife, he's not as good of a man as you think. I understand that not every relationship is perfect. But why cheat? Just love 'em and leave 'em so no one gets hurt.

 

You deserve someone who has all the time in the world for you. Someone who is going to be there when you want and need him. Not someone who has to make time for you when his family is around.

[courting17]

Wow, you all have good advice that follows the same theme..move on. I thought my situation was unique but after reading these threads the situations are quite similiar. It is such a high to be with him, but now I want to see him more as my feelings grow stronger, so I'm left with an empty feeling when I cannot. It just helps to vent. I know I'm not saying anything original, but you all are helping me with your insight. Thanks!

[norajane]

I get a phone call from him and I acted like I was having a fabulous week-end. When in reality I'm reading this forum to get some insight.

 

Why did you lie to him? Why are you hiding how unhappy you are? Why don't you want him to know the truth about how you feel? Why are you shielding him from the reality of this affair? Do you always do this in relationships - make it more comfortable for the guy at your own expense?

[GreenEyedLady]

I am new to this. it was my mm birthday yesterday and I couldn't even see him because of unexpected plans with family. Once again, my plans are put on the back burner. What do I expect? Why don't I think more of myself? Point is, that when we are together time just stops. I keep saying I'm going to end this but I haven't yet. It's been 2 and a half months and before I really get too attatched I need to say good-bye. Any advice? Why did I fall for someone married????? Idiot!

 

Ok, don't ever let a man call all the shots.

 

If he wants to be with you, he needs to make the effort. He'll treat you how you allow him to.

 

It's his problem he's married, not yours.

 

2 and half months isn't very long. Imagine doing it for 2 and a half years. Is it worth it?

 

GEL

[nadiaj2727]

Courting, I think it's great that you came here and asked some hard questions and looked around for the experience of others who have learned the hard way. You're not an idiot. I think that sometimes good, well-meaning, intelligent women become the OW. In those cases, we always think our situation is unique. Or else how could we have really gotten into it? But we learn through experience that this situation is NOT unique, we are a walking cliche!!!! And it sucks. But the good thing is, we have the power to walk away. And once we first have that thought to start walking, and once we start, and once we've walked away, we feel stronger and smarter. We can move on, learning from our past and realizing now what to never, ever get ourselves involved in again! Instead of staying mired in that same old heartache with that same old lying, cheating man. NO MAN is worth waiting around on and changing your schedule so you can see him when he's not with his main partner. I am so glad you're figuring that out. And you really don't want this man, he's already shown you his true colors. You are smarter and better than that, and I'm glad you're realizing it. Now you can do something about it. There are many of us here who have done just that, and we are happy to help you. Best wishes.

[courting17]

I keep thinking about what you two just said, "Why do I allow him to call the shots? Why pretend to happy about things? I think I do at times spell out my qualms about this relationship. The other day I said that we probably needed to end this. There is no time to carry on with this. I am divorced with kids, and he has children of his own. Too complicated. GEL, you said that I am treated the way I allow myself to be treated. He's not a bad guy, he is just putting his family first. I need to get out. As I'm typing this I see how this is not going to work unless he is divorced without me being in the picture. That is not going to happen. He is staying for awhile.

[courting17]

Nada, thank you for your support! I hope to continue talking with you.

[D-Lish]

I am new to this. it was my mm birthday yesterday and I couldn't even see him because of unexpected plans with family. Once again, my plans are put on the back burner. What do I expect? Why don't I think more of myself? Point is, that when we are together time just stops. I keep saying I'm going to end this but I haven't yet. It's been 2 and a half months and before I really get too attatched I need to say good-bye. Any advice? Why did I fall for someone married????? Idiot!

 

I guess I would just assume that if my bf is married, that he would have plans with his wife and family for his b-day. How could he really get out of that?

 

I think you just have to accept that holidays and special events will be spent with the wife and family if this is the relationship you want for yourself.

 

It's up to you to decide if you're willing to accept this or not.

I'm not judging you for the affair- But I do question why you yourself accept being someone's secret.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, you said that I am treated the way I allow myself to be treated. He's not a bad guy, he is just putting his family first. I need to get out. As I'm typing this I see how this is not going to work unless he is divorced without me being in the picture. That is not going to happen. He is staying for awhile.

 

I call bull**** on that.

 

He's putting himself first.

 

You need to see the big picture.

 

I am second to no one. You should demand the same and not accept such a bull**** excuse.

 

If he was really putting his family first, he wouldn't be f****** you, would he?

 

See the reality and deal with it.

 

GEL

[Lonely Lover]

That my MM missed the big moments in my life, and that I was forced to miss his, was possibly the saddest part of my entire A (which lasted 4 years and ended this July) My affair lasted through four Christmases, four New Years, four Valentines Days, four of my birthdays, four of his. Like your MM, Courting, mine tried to see me for as many holidays as possible. But it never worked out the way we’d planned; like everyone said earlier, his wife and children always get him first. So yeah, for me, “waiting around and getting plans cancelled” made up a big portion of my life.

 

On the "bright" side, that kind of a life becomes normal after a while; you’ll no longer expect to see him for really important dates, even when he tells you that you will (although you’ll always keep yourself free, just “in case”). Do you really want the pain you went through this weekend to become normal? Do you really want to be hurt like this on every holiday? It was this painful when he couldn’t be with you for his birthday. What about when (not if, when) he can’t celebrate yours with you? Maybe your head can understand why he isn’t there when you really need him, but can your heart?

 

I understand the pull this man has over you—but trust me, Courting, please: it isn’t worth it! It is so much worse to ache for a man who isn't with you because he chooses not to be, than it is to celebrate life as a single woman. And that’s assuming you won’t find a single, wonderful guy who will be thrilled to spend his b-day with you (which you will).

 

God, I’d do anything to stop another woman from hurting the way I’ve hurt. Courting, please learn from my mistakes (and the mistakes of so many other women on this site).

[courting17]

As much as I hate reading all of this, you are just telling me like it is. Haven't seen him all weekend, which I knew. I think in the long wrong it would be better to be truly single than some hidden lover to a mm. You know, I had a great day with friends actually. I am going to miss him when I truly cut the cord, but in all actuality I am getting little time with him and finding that it really doesn't make me feel very good about myself! It helps so much reading your advice, thanks!

[norajane]

I think in the long wrong it would be better to be truly single than some hidden lover to a mm.

 

I know you mean 'long run', but this seems to be a telling Freudian slip!

 

I'm glad you are starting to place more value on your happiness and what you truly want out of a relationship, than in holding on to a mm in the hopes that things will get better.