Perspective on NC

[jj33]

Have been really restless with the NC - not breaking it but anxious about having to deal with xMM in the coming days.

 

I was reading some of the threads on the infidelity board by MMs who were trying to end As missing OWs etc. It was very very sobering.

 

Reading those posts really focused me on how hard it can be for the MM to get past the feelings, memories etc. And how little it takes to keep the emotional entanglement alive from the MPs side as well as the OPs side of things.

 

I found it really helpful. If there really is no future for us (which seems to be the case) I need to break free from the emotional entanglement once and for all. It reinforced how important it is to be committed to breaking the emotional ties not in an angry way but with the goal of moving on.

[wildsoul]

Yes, everyone suffers in the A, that's for sure.

 

I've known a few people who suffer in their marriages feeling that they married the wrong person. The OW/M or other person for whom the torch burns is seen as the idealized "one that got away." And if that relationship was never brought to fruition, that wondering can last forever.

 

One time I said something to my guy about how it's easier for him: either way he's got a woman. He quickly corrected me to explain how that's partly true, but that being in a lifeless marriage feels like a prison cell. And that after meeting me, it feels even more barren. Many times, he said that he wouldn't have married her if he'd known that what he had with me was possible. He married for social and financial stability, not passion.

 

I like how you're trying to find more graceful ways of relating to these messy dynamics. I am too. Can't we just agree that everyone has suffered enough by the loss/futility, do we have to make someone the bad guy in order to move on?

[jj33]

I love the way you express yourself. I couldnt agree more. It damages everyone. My xMM has said some of the same things - about wishing hed known this was possible and also married for social and financial stability. Going back to a cold marriage has to be even harder when you have found what you never allowed yourself to believe was possible.

 

I think its much easier to move forward if the MM isnt the bad guy not least because if they are the bad guys, that makes us victims and thats not a pretty place to be. Owning your own behavior is hard sometimes, but its easier than feeling helpless. Its a lot easier to dust yourself off and get up again if you feel like you have some control. And lets face it they didnt just wind up in our beds (OMG theres a MM in my bed how did he get there). Someone had to open the door and let them in and it was us...

 

And besides graceful just feels better. If we are moving forward we may as well do it as our most lovely and gracious selves.

[jj33]

You have all given me great advice on this and at the risk of beating a dead horse, how have others coped with working with MP after its over? We have salvaged the work relationship but it has not done wonders for me emotionally. And until now it was always with hope in my heart. Now that I am really committed to moving on, I think I need new strategies. This is what I have come up with so far.

 

1. Be professional and polite (as always)

2. Dont linger on the phone and let the conversation stray into anything unnecessary

3. Dont make up excuses to be in contact and limit responses to unnecessary work related communications

4. Remember that he is someone who I respect professionally and with whom I have an effective and efficient working relationship dont read anything more into it and dont analyze every word or every comma in an email - its business nothing more

5. Dont worry about who he may or may not be attracted to now. It doesnt matter. What matters is that I move on with my life and that we maintain a good working relationship. Being in an A wasnt good for me.

 

And most important: Ignore any suggestion that he is still in love with me. He is but it doesnt matter. He chose not to be with me and that is that.

 

All suggestions welcome but no I cant change my career to have total NC.

 

Thank you all for your support

 

jj

[Agent_99]

I'm very interested in this thread. I too work with MW, although mostly we don't have contact at work, there are times that either one of us could be assigned to the others department to help out if short handed, extra work comes up etc.

 

Now her and I are both mature adults and will be polite and respectful, but I know that it is going to be hard for both of us. And I I can read her at 50 paces, if you know what I mean. We've spent enough time together to read each other's emotions in facial expressions and body language.

 

I only just started the ending process, and we won't be to NC outside of work for a bit. I want to have ready made strategies when we DO talk about work and how that will be handled, so that it's not something we are discussing and bonding over. More like; here's how it's going to be on my end, you can figure it out on your, rather than, how are 'we' going to handle this.

 

The ideas that JJ posted sound great, but I also need to think of strategies for my weak moments, when I'm gonna want to throw myself in her arms and cry uncle. Or when she tries that with me and I'm feeling weak too.

 

I will be finding another job, but in a small town that will take time because there are certain things I need out of a job, like pay and schedule around my college classes and kids schedule.

 

Oh and that is the other thing I just freaking thought of. College. I'll be running into her at college. It's a small campus. But that is over a month away, so I have time. The work thing in more immediate like sunday morning.

 

~99

[jj33]

Hi Agent... mmm In the past we have both folded (verbally) and one or the other has said yes but its just not possible the A wasnt enough and we werent going to have the whole shooting match so here we are....

 

The running into her thing. If you run into each other and are waving distance I think a polite wave is sufficient. Crossing over for a tete a tete is not necessary and only leads to either awkward so how are your classes ok bye or to the i miss yous which are also counterproductive. But out and out ignoring as if she were dead is not necessary (or it doesnt seem to be to me but you may feel differently).

 

If you run into each other when you have to speak (it would be impolite not to) then I think as little small talk as you can get away with is the best option. The key is not to get into talk of the past and the i miss yous. Brave face is best. How are you fine. Busy. She is another colleague. Granted one that you love but still another colleague. Maybe one that makes you laugh or that you enjoy running into I dont know.

 

What I find challenging is to be nice and warm without being coupley - I tend to be a little bit standoffish or too nice. In the past I never found the right balance. But having been at this for over a year I would say no matter how the other person acts, whether or not it feels like they ever loved you or still do, you know in your heart what you shared.

 

Distance is not a slap in the face. Its a good coping mechanism. When extreme chemistry exists its better to create distance. Otherwise the desire to fold becomes too great. Feelings can be reignited or intensified. And even if they are not acted upon fanning the fires is not helpful if you are committed to moving on.

 

A thought came to me just now. Athletes sometimes visualize their games. A tennis player may say he wants to serve like Sampras did or to have a swing like Nadal.

 

Close your eyes and visualize how you want your encounters with her to go. You see her, you feel good and confident and happy, regardless of her emotions. You are in control and feeling comfortable and relaxed. You say hello and regardless of her tone, her facial expressions her body language, you feel good. You have your exchange whatever it is, and you walk on. Feeling good confident and relaxed. If you replay that in your head again and again then when it happens there is a good chance that because you have programmed yourself to expect success (i.e. feeling good about yourself and the encounter) that you will.

 

I think part of the problem is that many of us (talking to myself here) are still holding onto the feeling deep inside that we are still in love although we are apart. So we see the MP and our brains automatically go into "longing mode" or something else that is not a detached relaxed response.

 

Doing the visualization also brings up your inner resistance. If you do it and it feels really uncomfortable its because inside you are resisting the notion of having a detached non romantic relationship with her. You want happy cuddly fuzzy pictures of your meeting, not detached neutral encounters. But you can work on that and in time it will feel easier.

 

You can do this. I know you can. I have not tried the visualization but I will try it too.

 

PS Just tried it - very interesting. What I felt was a void a scary void its the void left by not being so close to him... but as you say about the guitar it just means I need to fill the void. Nature abhors a vaccuum so if I can face the discomfort something else will come in its place.

[Owl]

JJ, most 'professionals' don't recommend trying to remain working with the affair partner if at all possible.

 

Because doing so negates the NC.

 

It never allows those feelings to completely fade. Neither of you will heal if you remain in close proximity to him.

 

The only way to 'get over it' is to break off contact COMPLETELY. One of the two of you need to find a new job.

 

I'm not trying to be rude or mean...there's no anger in this post...I am trying to help you see what steps are going to have to happen.

[jj33]

Thanks Owl. I appreciate what you are saying and ideally that would be the right thing for us to do cuz history has shown that time isnt taking care of it.

 

We dont work for the same company. Id explain why its necessary for us to be in contact but am concerned about the public nature of the forum.

[phoenixrising]

jj - I'm in the same situation as you are in that I have to continue working with the xMM. Although not in the same location, we cannot go complete NC. And Owl, though I heed your advice and the advice of professionals, in some cases it is simply not possible. Too much would have to be revealed to explain, but believe me it isn't possible right now for some of us. Sometimes the best solution is not realistic... so we go with the next best...

 

jj - I am doing the things you suggested, which help, but what has helped most is to learn how to detach. I continue to have feelings, but I accept that. I just don't feed it anymore. I also had to totally let go of the idea that we will ever be together. A long, slow process which is being helped along by NC. I requested e-mail only, no talking except when absolutely necessary, and then no personal discussion. I'm a bit nervous about seeing him, which will occur in a couple weeks (no way around it), but have done things like make arrangements with friends on my free evenings, earliest flights in and out, those sorts of things. And NO ALONE TIME.

 

I think sometimes it's better to face things and work through, rather than avoid. But emotionally it's quite a painful route to go. I do think, however, that if we work through it we'll come out strong in the end.

[jj33]

Thanks Phoenix. That is really helpful. You are right. Detaching is the key. I will have to see him in the next week or two (not alone with one other person) but already I am getting a lot of email communication which I am responding to as minimally as possible and glossing over the personal stuff. And it is starting to annoy me because I feel like he does this to get his "fix" of me which is rather insulting - that this is enough. But its not about my ego. Its about getting past this. On the other hand, I really feel for him because I know he is not ready to detach from the emotional connection but I keep reminding myself that its a long slow painful boat to nowhere for me if I dont detach.

 

 

Good luck with your trip. It sounds like you have all the right mechanisms in place. Thanks again.

[Agent_99]

jj~ I like the thoughts about visualizing. I've used it for other things, such as quitting smoking and it does help, just didn't think of it for this.

 

And I know what you mean about the little contact being a 'fix' for the MP. MW has told me repeatedly that just seeing me at work makes her day better. and I'm thinking, that's enough for you!?!

 

it's been a long day for me, so i'm off to get some rest

 

~99

[phoenixrising]

99~ for years xMM said the same thing... I think he needed so much to know that I was there for him, whether it be a look, a smile, a phone conversation, and e-mail... and, really, that was apparently all he needed.

 

What do YOU need? If it's more than she is able to give you - not in the future but right now - my recommendation would be to make some pretty big changes... I had to do the same thing. It certainly isn't easy - change never is - but I was seeing myself become someone I didn't know.

[jj33]

"99~ for years xMM said the same thing... I think he needed so much to know that I was there for him, whether it be a look, a smile, a phone conversation, and e-mail... and, really, that was apparently all he needed."

 

its not funny but reading it, it makes me feel so silly that I laugh. It irks me so much - looking back I should have told him to get a dog.

 

On the other hand I realize that its not easy for them either they are just coping in the way they think it best for them. its not that they dont miss us, its more that this "compromise" suits them. Now its time for us to cope in the way that is best for us.

 

Agent 99 - her compromise isnt suiting you at all.

[Agent_99]

99~ for years xMM said the same thing... I think he needed so much to know that I was there for him, whether it be a look, a smile, a phone conversation, and e-mail... and, really, that was apparently all he needed.

 

What do YOU need? If it's more than she is able to give you - not in the future but right now - my recommendation would be to make some pretty big changes... I had to do the same thing. It certainly isn't easy - change never is - but I was seeing myself become someone I didn't know.

 

That's it, I've known for a long time that she can't give me what I need. The future for us holds nothing anyway. She is very clear that she will not leave her g/f for all the usual reasons, financial/kids/to weak. She is very honest with me about all this.

 

As for what you said about becoming someone I don't know~ It's kind of true. I see myself acting a certain way towards her sometime, very emotional, very distaught, and think 'how pathetic'. Lordy I even entertain ideas on how could i break them up. Those are some of my dark moments, but they are still there.

 

[quote=jj33;1805310

its not funny but reading it, it makes me feel so silly that I laugh. It irks me so much - looking back I should have told him to get a dog.

 

On the other hand I realize that its not easy for them either they are just coping in the way they think it best for them. its not that they dont miss us, its more that this "compromise" suits them. Now its time for us to cope in the way that is best for us.

 

Agent 99 - her compromise isnt suiting you at all.

 

If only she liked animals! That is part of the hook for me though, feeling like she 'needs' me in her life. I can;t count how many times she has told me that talking to me in the morning on her lunch break makes her whole day better. The thing is, it makes my day better too, most times. We have sooo much fun together, that and the intimacy, the closeness is what I am going to miss. And sadly it's what it lacking in her life too.

 

But I am working towards moving past this so that I can have the whole thing with someone, not just part of it.

 

~99

[jj33]

"That is part of the hook for me though, feeling like she 'needs' me in her life. I can;t count how many times she has told me that talking to me in the morning on her lunch break makes her whole day better. The thing is, it makes my day better too, most times. We have sooo much fun together, that and the intimacy, the closeness is what I am going to miss. And sadly it's what it lacking in her life too.

 

But I am working towards moving past this so that I can have the whole thing with someone, not just part of it. "

 

Reading everyones posts one of the big things seems to be believing that there will be a better future for us. If you really believe in your heart that there is a woman out there who will love you and with whom you can have the whole thing (which surely there is you sound so amazing) then you would run run run. Because you deserve more. Whether its someone who is not available or a single person that ends things there is always that period of time when you wonder if you will ever find love like that again. But you always do and its always even better than the last one its just hard to imagine that when you are hurting.

[jj33]

Phoenix was thinking about your post. And you really helped me. I hate the fact that merely being in touch with me on a professional level is enough for him. And that he will never know what it is like to have to miss me because I am still just an email or phone call away. And he will see me with some regularity with other people but nonetheless he will continue to get his fix and I will have to work doubly hard at detaching.

 

But going through this exchange with you and Agent 99 I have come to the conclusion that I really do have to ignore it. If the emotional connection is enough for him thats how it is. I cant change that. It just means it wasnt meant to be. Someone who really wanted to be with me wouldnt make do with that.