Trying N/C...again, but for real this time!

[ovrtherainbow]

Hello and thanks to anyone who is taking the time to read my first post. I have been on this site for months now reading, but never actually joined until today. First I will give you the long rundown about me and my situation. I am 35 married for 10 years. I have two teenage boys from a previous marriage. I started seeing a MM 9 months ago. It was real innocent at first. Actually for the first couple months I really didn't care for him much. My husband had been neglecting me for a couple of years. I was overweight, depressed and lonely. I had lost some weight before I met MM and I felt great! I think it was just an ego booster at first. After seeing him for 6 months I started to fall in love with him. He told me loved me and I knew he cared about me deeply. His wife lives 3 states away with his 3 year old daughter. He works in the town where I live for 25 days out of the month, then he flies home for a week. My husband never knew until 4 months ago he saw my car at his hotel one night. Then it all started to unravel. Of course, his wife never had a clue, until I committed what my friend calls "mistress suicide". It was one of the days before he was goin home for the week. I was feeling all the normal stuff we OW feel. Left out, used, sad. So I called her. I made up some lame story that my husband hired a PI and found out about her husband and myself, and I pretty much spilled the beans. OMG it sounds so desperate and sad now. I thought that he would really leave her for me, instead he told me we had to stop. It was heartless the way he told me. I cried for weeks. That was June 5th. I would see him in town and he wouldn't even look at me. She kept calling me day after day. She would ask me questions and I would tell. Then she would tell me details about their lives that I really didn't want to hear. It broke my heart. I knew he probably hated me and I hated myself for doing it. I thought, if I wouldn't have done this, I would still have him in my life! I drank to ease the pain but it was always there. I sent him an email after 3 weeks telling him that I hated the way it ended and I couldn't stand that he wouldn't even give me some closure. He called me a few days later. That was June 28th. He said how much he loved and missed me. I was bitter and still hurt, but after about a week I gave in and it all started again. He told me she was probably going to divorce him. He didn't have the guts to do it. He said if it wasn't for his little girl, it would be easy. So I decided to wait it out a little longer. The last part of July he went home on his week vacation. We had agreed that he was going to come back with a definate answer as to whether he was staying with his wife or not. I guess they fought the whole time he was home and it really got ugly, but he came back and still couldn't give me a decision. I tried N/C again. I ended up texting him after 3 days. Well, fast foward to now. He was leaving again August 19th to go home. The days were creeping up and I knew I was gonna have another meltdown. I did. This time I just made him choose. ( I'm still wondering if that was right or wrong...) He tried the I dont know crap again. After beating around the bush he finally said I guess I will try it with my wife.

 

I know what I have to do ladies!! It is a minute by minute fight to get him outta my head and outta my heart. I HAVE to do it this time!! I know some of you have gone through this, so I figured that I would at least have some support here. I dont want to fail again. Please help with any suggestions. I know it takes lots of time to heal. Meanwhile I wonder if my marriage is salvagable or not. I love him but not in love...you know? He has been through pure utter hell with me, standing by my side and trying to keep our marriage from falling apart. SO......I am on my 3rd day of N/C....again. Crosses fingers.....

[Owl]

What I don't see is the current status of your marriage.

 

You made it clear that your H "figured it out". Has he left you? Filed for divorce? Tried to work it out?

[Agent_99]

Hi,

 

Yes, I have to agree with owl, work on one relationship at a time. Don't let your H be your backup if this guy doesn't choose you. That's not fair to anyone, least of all you. From someone who left a marriage that wasn't horrible, just wasn't enough. I loved him but wasn't 'in' love. It is better to be single. AND it isn't fair to your H. Does he know everything or only parts.

 

I once heard a quote and I wish I remembered it right but it went something along the lines of:

 

If you want a good relationship there can't be distance. Everytime you hide something in a relationship it creates distance, and that distance limits your relationship.

 

No matter if your relationship with your H works out or not, it's only fair for him to know the full truth. I know that it is cliched, but while the truth hurts, it also sets you free.

 

As for NC with MM, do you have a strategy for when he returns and your faced with seeing him again?

 

~99

[ovrtherainbow]

Sorry, I left that out. Yes he is still wanting to work things out and stay married to me. He moved back home last week to try and pick up all the pieces. He loves me dearly and takes care of me, even after all this. I think I fell out of love with him months ago, but how do I really know that when I was involved with someone else? I think I really have to make a final decision in that situation as to whether I can love him again like a husband again OR get a divorce and let him go for good. Thats why I am willing to take a month or however long it takes to get to that point where I know for sure. The key is to remain MM free during this time, or it will corrupt everything I am trying to do.

[ovrtherainbow]

Hi,

 

Yes, I have to agree with owl, work on one relationship at a time. Don't let your H be your backup if this guy doesn't choose you. That's not fair to anyone, least of all you. From someone who left a marriage that wasn't horrible, just wasn't enough. I loved him but wasn't 'in' love. It is better to be single. AND it isn't fair to your H. Does he know everything or only parts.

 

I once heard a quote and I wish I remembered it right but it went something along the lines of:

 

If you want a good relationship there can't be distance. Everytime you hide something in a relationship it creates distance, and that distance limits your relationship.

 

No matter if your relationship with your H works out or not, it's only fair for him to know the full truth. I know that it is cliched, but while the truth hurts, it also sets you free.

 

As for NC with MM, do you have a strategy for when he returns and your faced with seeing him again?

 

~99

Thanks Agent, you are so right! I know that I owe that to myself and to my H. This is step ONE of my strategy. Getting on here to get some support that I should have had long ago. Thats all so far. Any suggestions?

[Agent_99]

It is kind of like quitting smoking or something. Have some concrete ideas and plans for when you are feeling weak, because those moments will come.

 

Also be prepared for it to take longer than a month for your marriage to heal. But I think that it's reasonable to know whether or not you want to to work things out with your husband soon. If not it's not fair to him.

 

Support is ALWAYS a good idea.

 

It is possible that the excitement of the affair either eclipsed your feelings for your H temporarily OR your feelings are gone. That is step one to figure out. As long as you are honest with H it is fair for him to make the choice to hold on or not as he sees fit for him.

 

I would also say to make sure you take good care of yourself. Regular sleep, healthy food, a little excercise. Do some things that make you feel good about you.

Also just try to feel your emotions. You sound very level headed about some of this, but sometimes level headed people neglect actually allowing themselves to feel thier emotions. If you feel like crying, cry; if you feel mad, be angry; if you feel drained, relax.

 

hope some of this helps

 

~99

[astra77]

I know what I have to do ladies!! It is a minute by minute fight to get him outta my head and outta my heart. I HAVE to do it this time!! I know some of you have gone through this, so I figured that I would at least have some support here. I dont want to fail again. Please help with any suggestions. I know it takes lots of time to heal. Meanwhile I wonder if my marriage is salvagable or not. I love him but not in love...you know? He has been through pure utter hell with me, standing by my side and trying to keep our marriage from falling apart. SO......I am on my 3rd day of N/C....again. Crosses fingers.....

 

Firstly, Welcome to LS

 

I gather by the above statement you have been lurking here a while, so you would have noticed the theme here is to go NC and as hard as it is, really, honestly, it is the only way to go. You will f**k up NC many a time - we ALL do it, and we are all here to support you each time you do it - but the main aim here is TOTAL NC so that YOU can heal.

 

The first thing you should do - not sure if you have - is tell the MM it is over, not to call or visit or email or IM or even send you a smoke signal.

 

Secondly, you need to work out if you want to stay M. Your H has the right to and honest R with you from NOW on, and if that means you need to get a D - do it, be honest with your H, he deserves your FULL support and concentration to salvage the M or if you dont want to be M to him, set him free. He must be devestated. I am trying to work on my M after ended it with my xmm, and i must say, not having the added distraction of my xmm, it is working as well as it can given the circumstances. I of course do not know what the future holds, my H is loving and supportive of me everyday, and to be honest i dont know why given the horrid thing i have done, he may still walk, but we are TRYING.

 

You H is very hurt by your actions, NEVER doubt this for a millisecond. You made a BAD choice, you OWE it to him (H) to fix this, its not up to him, YOU have to do most of the work. You had the A, not him.

 

In male terms, my husband described his feelings to me re: the A. I hope you understand what i am trying to say here, my H wasnt trying to degrade me or any other woman, but was describing i guess the male code of conduct. Please dont take offence when you read on.

 

Men think differently to woman - PERIOD. Men believe there wives are their property, not in a cheap, nasty derogitory way, but in an ownership, territorial manly type way. A W is a H's manly territory, i think that the more they love and respect their W, the more manly it makes them feel.

 

He likened the affair to someone parking their car in his garage without his permission. I can understand where he is coming from, someone invaded his manly territory, and he didnt even know it at the time. To a guy, this is BAD news. The manly code of conduct has been broken - and his W played a part in it. It made him question his manhood, and i am crushed i have done this to him. Dont for a second think you are going thru hell on your own coz your hubby is goin thru hell too, just a different kind of hell than you are. You just needed to see this from his point of view.

 

I hope that makes sense, my H's comment was in no way shape or form intended to be derogatory to woman, but rather an explanation of the way men think - maybe some fellas on here can help explain a little better.

 

Good luck

[ovrtherainbow]

I did tell him not to contact me in any way. Its never been hard for him, bc I have always caved in. It sure is good to hear that most of you have fu%*ed up NC more than once! I know I have! Right now he is at home with his wife and daughter. He will be coming back to town Sunday. I know he will not try to contact me. That hurts like hell, you know it? He knows that everytime I try NC I end up contacting him after a few days. He has it in his head that I will do it again. I sooooo want to prove him wrong! Right now everything is so raw. All I can think about is how much pain I am in and how he is having a fabulous time. I want him to hurt like I DO! I know that is normal, but unhealthy. Its almost like if I knew he was hurting, it would ease my pain and make it easier. I dont know.

 

My question for Astra or anyone else faced with being in love or previously in love with someone other than your spouse....Do you still love them (spouse) the way you used to? Do you think it is possible to gain that back? (of course remaining MM free) Also, someone said to me recently that if I really did love him to begin with this A would have never happened. Makes me think back to a couple of years ago when I asked myself most days if I really loved my husband or not. Especially when he would verbally abuse me, neglect my every need, the TWO short affairs he had, let alone that we have almost ZERO in common. That was way before the affair! Right now I am just going through the motions with my husband, expecting and hoping that time will eventually tell the truth!

[beautifullove]

I know you must be going through a lot right now, but I think your M is salvageable. Just be open and honest so the same mistakes are not repeated. Your H obviously loves you dearly, so now, all you have to do is search your soul to find out if you have love for him. I once read on LS (I can't remember who wrote it) that it's better to love someone than be in love with them, because if someone is in love they can fall out of love, but to simply love someone will always be. Now personally, I would prefer both, and I'm not sure what theory this idea is based upon. I guess my point is, you said you love your H - so it's not completely over. As for the OM, as difficult as it is, you will need to let it go. Besides, as harsh as it sounds, he made a choice that didn't include you, so I would save yourself the pain. I know you've read our stories!

[astra77]

....Do you still love them (spouse) the way you used to? Do you think it is possible to gain that back? (of course remaining MM free) !

 

OTR

I guess they only way that i can answer that is to say to you - this will take TIME - a long time, you have literally fallen out of love with your H and in love with someone else. You will never know if you still love you H until you get over your MM.

 

In order to give you M the best possible chance, you have to do everything possible to speed up the "break up process" with the MM, you just have to do everything to reprogram you brain to exclude thoughts/desires/fantasies etc to do with MM, this includes letting go and breaking up with the MM, and going NC. You will only break NC a few times before you realise it hurts more AFTER you've broken NC than it does actually being in NC.

 

You need to recover yourself before you make any rational decisions. You need to heal from your heartache, then finally you must accept and own your feelings, then you can truely let go. I am by no means there yet - far from it, but I have certainly come a very long way since I ended my A.

 

Do I love my H - Yes i do, do I think we can work out our M - Yes i do, but i am also being mindful that at any given moment, my H may decide he wants to walk away, and I will respect his decision either way. I owe it to him to try and stick it out and work it out. I also owe it to myself as I have been VERY confused of late, and i can honestly say i still at this late stage, am unsure of my feelings. I am out of the fog, but blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel if that makes sense.

 

I have not got a crystal ball to predict the future, but i know for myself, i need to atleast try and walk this path with my H, to find out if that is what i want (to stay M) I am not expecting an answer over night as there is not one. I have to re establish a connection with my H in order for our M to work out. Most importantly, I need to regain his trust, and while i am openly working on that, trust will not come over night either, it does take time, and lots of it.