NC for right reasons

[Agent_99]

I keep hoping that if I go NC with my MW she will leave her M.

 

I want to do it for what I consider the right reasons, to END our relationship, whether or not she leaves her M. becasue at this point even if she did leave to be with me, it would take a really long time until I would feel secure in our relationship.

 

I'm just not sure that I'm ready, we love each other very much. But reading on here and am starting to doubt that her love for me is much beyond fatasy and excitement. YET I still cling to the hope that it is something as real as what I feel and that she will leave her M.

 

We were friends before this all started, yet I'm not sure that I can be JUST friends with her, and when she tells me that even if the A ended she would still want us to be friends, she means she wants the EA to continue and I'm just reaching a point where I can't do it. I know myself well enough to know that I will not be able to move on and give my heart to someone else while she has it.

 

I'm scared to end it though. She is such a huge support in my life, emotionally. I'm worried that if I go NC, I won't be strong enough to maintain it, expecially when she starts trying to contact me, as she will. I am her SOLE source of emotional suport. I'm trying to push her to get into counseling but she is sooo resistant to the idea.

 

I KNOW that there are other women out there who would be more than compatable and that I could be happy with. The problem is that I want that with HER. I have such a hard time even picturing myself with someone other than her. I have absolutly no interest in anyone but her, even when I think that if I didn't know MW I would be interested in them.

 

I guess i'm just looking for some discussion so I can get my head straight for this.

 

~99

[carhill]

From my perspective:

 

NC is to heal you. There is no other purpose or intent.

 

You are not her sole source of emotional support. Trust me on this.

 

You can have elemental interest in others, and NC can help you achieve this. It is a fundamental emotional and cognitive change in YOU.

 

She knows what you want with her. She doesn't want the same with you. Her actions communicate the true message.

 

Acceptance that you can love each other and not be together will allow you to heal. The love may never go away but rather be put into new perspective. That's your work.

 

I wish you well. I know the path you walk

[Agent_99]

Her actions DO communicate the true message, it's just that my brain is only just now recieving it

 

The thing is we do make very good friends, we always have. It is very tempting to say 'let's just be friends' but that has not worked the several times we tried that. So it's time to try something new.

 

She has been soo attentive this week, but I think part of that is that she knows what is on my mind and is worried. I really do talk to her about everything, although I haven't been able to just come out and say, we're setting a date for NC and that's it.

 

I've been thinking around the middle of next month for various reasons, but I've been thinkng about this all day. And I've decided to go LC until then, and then NC. LC involves commitments that I'm just not willing to drop, I wouldn't do that to anyone, even someone I didn't particularly like. But we can just keep that part of our lives to email.

 

So I guess wish me luck.

 

I'm going to write in my journal tonight to get my thoughts together and talk to her tomorrow.

 

~99

[ioncebelieved]

Her actions DO communicate the true message, it's just that my brain is only just now recieving it

 

The thing is we do make very good friends, we always have. It is very tempting to say 'let's just be friends' but that has not worked the several times we tried that. So it's time to try something new.

 

She has been soo attentive this week, but I think part of that is that she knows what is on my mind and is worried. I really do talk to her about everything, although I haven't been able to just come out and say, we're setting a date for NC and that's it.

 

I've been thinking around the middle of next month for various reasons, but I've been thinkng about this all day. And I've decided to go LC until then, and then NC. LC involves commitments that I'm just not willing to drop, I wouldn't do that to anyone, even someone I didn't particularly like. But we can just keep that part of our lives to email.

 

So I guess wish me luck.

 

I'm going to write in my journal tonight to get my thoughts together and talk to her tomorrow.

 

~99

 

I could never stay friends with mine!!! She told me crap like, "You are my best friend and when things happen I want to call your first." When your head starts taking over you cannot believe anything they say to you.

 

Carhill, broke it down for you right! You have to go NC. In your case and mine it is for us, but the secondary thing is they may miss you and know that they did not know what that had until it was gone.

 

I want to talk to mine everyday, but I have been in NC for almost a month. It would be silly for me to break it and in time they will truly know what they had! If they come back after long NC, you and I would be able to discern the big picture.

[Agent_99]

The thing is I really don't think she will leave her partner. So it's just a matter of me setting my mind that it's over. Well maybe not my mind, my mind is there, it's my heart that's soo afraid of what this means for me.

 

But I'm not really one to avoid making the hard choices. This is one instance where I'm being weak. but no more.

 

~99

[ioncebelieved]

The thing is I really don't think she will leave her partner. So it's just a matter of me setting my mind that it's over. Well maybe not my mind, my mind is there, it's my heart that's soo afraid of what this means for me.

 

But I'm not really one to avoid making the hard choices. This is one instance where I'm being weak. but no more.

 

~99

 

Laugh at me if you want to, but My ex in her defense never said she would leave. I held onto hope and came across as needy because I wanted her to leave.

[Tate]

My OW and I rarely spoke about my W or whether I would leave or not. I think she always assumed that I wouldn't or there wasn't much chance of it. I'm sure now that we're in NC she still thinks that way and believes that I probably don't give it serious thought... but you know, as I have used these last couple weeks to think about it I think it is a good thing that we didn't discuss that more than we did.

 

I think the problem in this sort of relationship is that things become habit - hours, days, weeks, and months go by in that routine. If talking about me leaving had become a habit between us I'm not so sure how I would be feeling about that topic now that we're in NC. What I do know is that I am on the cusp of being strong enough to come clean and admit the truth of how I feel...

 

Agent - be strong, go NC and see what happens... it's the only way. Even though I'm on the other side of things I can understand how tough it must be. It's just tough not being with the one you feel you want to be with.

[Owl]

Don't "set a date to go NC"...that's just setting the stage for more pain and conflict.

 

Send her an email going NC...today. As of right now. And make it STICK.

 

No...your feelings aren't going to go away in an instant. But you can take measures to ensure that NC sticks...that contact is more difficult for her and you to resume...

 

If you change nothing...nothing will change.

 

Is that REALLY what you want?

[Chrome Barracuda]

You got out of a marriage to be with her. Had an affair with her. and it isnt good enough for her to leave and start with you? What does that say A99? It says that she's a cakeeater. she's not a real potential love interest. if your gay fine be so. but at the end of the day find someone who's gonna have your back. Who's not deceiving you and lying to you.

 

Cause that's what she's doing now. Your the piece on the side until you start doing things for you.

 

I'm starting to see that even same sex affairs have their similarities. it's very sad.

[Agent_99]

Laugh at me if you want to, but My ex in her defense never said she would leave. I held onto hope and came across as needy because I wanted her to leave.

 

My MW has always been adamant that she will not leave her current relationship, except when I asked her to leave, I think she considered it for about a second.

 

Agent - be strong, go NC and see what happens... it's the only way. Even though I'm on the other side of things I can understand how tough it must be. It's just tough not being with the one you feel you want to be with.

 

Yes it is hard, but if she truly doesn't want me then I am doing the wrong thing.

 

Don't "set a date to go NC"...that's just setting the stage for more pain and conflict.

 

Send her an email going NC...today. As of right now. And make it STICK.

 

No...your feelings aren't going to go away in an instant. But you can take measures to ensure that NC sticks...that contact is more difficult for her and you to resume...

 

If you change nothing...nothing will change.

 

Is that REALLY what you want?

 

Your right, we had a fight tonight. We were supposed to meet when I got off work, but her g/f wanted a suprise diner thing. So I got stuck with a couple v/m and a text telling me she was sorry. I texted her back with some anger, she called me. We argued. I told her not to contact me this weekend at all, that I am making a final decision about how much she will be in my life. She said everything she could think of to keep me, except the one thing that would have gauranteed it.

 

So the point is. . . As soon as I post this I am sending the email. I can't be someone's 10th priority. I at least want to be in the top 5

 

You got out of a marriage to be with her. Had an affair with her. and it isnt good enough for her to leave and start with you? What does that say A99? It says that she's a cakeeater. she's not a real potential love interest. if your gay fine be so. but at the end of the day find someone who's gonna have your back. Who's not deceiving you and lying to you.

 

Cause that's what she's doing now. Your the piece on the side until you start doing things for you.

 

I'm starting to see that even same sex affairs have their similarities. it's very sad.

 

Actually I didn't end my marriage to be with her. I ended it because it was over. There was way more to ending my marriage than finding myself in an affair.

 

But you are right. She chooses everyday to stay in her current relationship, she doesn't choose me, and everyday I choose her. It's very unbalanced. She actually said to me tonight that if I stopped talking ot her it wouldn't be FAIR for her to see me around and not be able to talk to me. I actually laughed, not FAIR! B******T. That one really got me, if she hadn't said that, I might have given in like I always do when I try to break it off, but that statement. . . wow.

 

I am hurting very much tonight.

 

As for same sex relationships. we are all human, sorry to burst your bubble I just think that especially for some of the 'old schoolers' that they try harder to make it appear that things are great in their relationships so that 'straight' people don't judge them even more.

 

I've seen some pretty terrible relationships continue because, well especially in this area, unless you go recruiting (joking here) your very limited on choices.

 

Thanks all who replied for the advice and for just reading.

 

~99

[Chrome Barracuda]

 

Actually I didn't end my marriage to be with her. I ended it because it was over. There was way more to ending my marriage than finding myself in an affair.

 

But you are right. She chooses everyday to stay in her current relationship, she doesn't choose me, and everyday I choose her. It's very unbalanced. She actually said to me tonight that if I stopped talking ot her it wouldn't be FAIR for her to see me around and not be able to talk to me. I actually laughed, not FAIR! B******T. That one really got me, if she hadn't said that, I might have given in like I always do when I try to break it off, but that statement. . . wow.

 

I am hurting very much tonight.

 

As for same sex relationships. we are all human, sorry to burst your bubble I just think that especially for some of the 'old schoolers' that they try harder to make it appear that things are great in their relationships so that 'straight' people don't judge them even more.

 

I've seen some pretty terrible relationships continue because, well especially in this area, unless you go recruiting (joking here) your very limited on choices.

 

Thanks all who replied for the advice and for just reading.

 

~99

 

There's something that just irks me of this whole situation. Your single, bi-sexual. right. your pining after a woman who's in a relationship with another woman. Ingrained in this never ending emotional affair that's never gonna end because this OW is too selfish to let your friendship end. and your too stubborn to see this stupidness for yourself.

 

I dont know but that's just the way I see it, it's got nothing to do with being straight or gay. But it alarms me how your kids and her kids could be friends and your trying to replace her partner in the proverbial relationship.

 

I mean is that what we teach our children is to backstab others? I mean is that the message you show to your children? Another thing is how do you explain it to them of how you could be married to a man for a few years then switch gears and want to be with a woman. was the family a lie?

Was the idea of being a nuclear family just a falsehood that you played up to until you got tired of it?

 

I mean if your gonna embrace your love of women so be it. I got no quarells on that, but isnt in you and your children's best interest for you to have an stable and fruitful relationship with a single emotionally ready woman. one that's not murky with lies and deceit. and yes. it's lies and deceit because if the OW's partner dropped the bomb and told everyone what you was doing, then what?

 

You know how much devestation that would cause?

[OWoman]

Another thing is how do you explain it to them of how you could be married to a man for a few years then switch gears and want to be with a woman. was the family a lie?

Was the idea of being a nuclear family just a falsehood that you played up to until you got tired of it?

 

Chrome this is a lot more common than you may know. I have many friends (Gay, bi, bi-curious - male and female) who did exactly that. Settled down in happy married normality as expected - demanded - of them by family and society, only to discover down the track that they didn't quite fit. Mostly, they Dd and took up with a same-sex partner (in some cases, as the sole custodial parent, in others, with shared custody) but one stayed married nominally so as not to freak out the in-laws, and just separated within the same house, living with her partner while the H and his new gf lived in the other part of the house. None of the kids, AFAIK, have had any issues from those situations.

[Agent_99]

There's something that just irks me of this whole situation. Your single, bi-sexual. right. your pining after a woman who's in a relationship with another woman. Ingrained in this never ending emotional affair that's never gonna end because this OW is too selfish to let your friendship end. and your too stubborn to see this stupidness for yourself.

 

I dont know but that's just the way I see it, it's got nothing to do with being straight or gay. But it alarms me how your kids and her kids could be friends and your trying to replace her partner in the proverbial relationship.

 

I mean is that what we teach our children is to backstab others? I mean is that the message you show to your children? Another thing is how do you explain it to them of how you could be married to a man for a few years then switch gears and want to be with a woman. was the family a lie?

Was the idea of being a nuclear family just a falsehood that you played up to until you got tired of it?

 

I mean if your gonna embrace your love of women so be it. I got no quarells on that, but isnt in you and your children's best interest for you to have an stable and fruitful relationship with a single emotionally ready woman. one that's not murky with lies and deceit. and yes. it's lies and deceit because if the OW's partner dropped the bomb and told everyone what you was doing, then what?

 

You know how much devestation that would cause?

 

Firstly while it's mildly offensive to be called stupid, I liked that way you put that about being too stubborn. It's not stubborness. At one point that was it, that and being caught up in "In love"

 

Now for the cruddly part. her kids and my kids are friends, from before her and i were even friends really. As for replacing her partner. You are absolutly right. It is INCREDIBLY selfish of me to think that I have the right to ask her to break up her relationship. Something that she pointed out to me last night.

 

As for my marriage. My kids knew when they were emotionally ready to handle it, that I called myself bi. hubby knew it too, in fact he and I used to joke that if we ever split that i would probably go lesbian. Just didn't know how true.

 

My ex and I are still family. We just aren't married or live a life together, no phyical relations. We are friends. It took a lot of work for us both to get to this point, but we have. AND it has not tramatized any children, We are both very supportive, open and honest up to the emotional ability of the child to handle the truth.

 

As for her partner telling people. Well she did one better. This last spring I broke down and told her P what was going on. Then I left town for a while. Come to find out, a couple weeks after I left she (the partner) started telling eeryone that I had stalked them both, that I had threatened to hurt them, and if I had stayed they would have had to get a restraiing order against me. Thing is even though she has ben in this comunity longer, people had a really hard believeing the story as it was so incredulous. I am a very gently person. She lost friends over it, not me. I actualy feel very sorry for p. partner is very unhappy in her relationship, when she and I were truly just friends she confinded a few things with me. The thing is she is never in the wrong when it somes to conflicts with anyone.

 

I know that none of this is a shining example of my character. Beleive me that this isn't just an emotional struggle for me, it is also a moral one. When I told ex about the continueing struggle, his first response was that he couldn't beleive that I had continued lowering myself so far.

 

That devastation that you talk about is one of the reasons that MW stays with her partner. Chicken, she is, but she is also protecting kids in her own way.

 

And all these things are reasons why I am going NC. I need to be authentic again, and I can not while I am sneaking around. No matter how much I love her, I have to love myself more. It's very hard to come to terms with all that I have done this last year. But I hope that I have not let myself get so weak that I can't heal and truly have a good life again.

 

~99

[Agent_99]

I mean is that what we teach our children is to backstab others? I mean is that the message you show to your children? Another thing is how do you explain it to them of how you could be married to a man for a few years then switch gears and want to be with a woman. was the family a lie?

Was the idea of being a nuclear family just a falsehood that you played up to until you got tired of it?

 

I forgot I wanted to answer you on this. First I was married for 13 years. We met when I was 16,had been together ever since. The family was not a lie, we both worked very hard to have a good marriage, and we did. There are no regrets on either side of this. But there came a point where I was living a lie for several years, where as I grew up in our relationship I realized that I had NO attraction for men at all. This was not fair to ex. He agrees and it put him through a lot of hardship for us to try and stay together. My marriage would have ended whether or not I had met MW. We have concluded it in a very civil manner that was not traumatic for anyone. Let me stress again that we are good freinds, something we have always been. In fact I introduced him to his g/f, they are both coming to a family wedding on MY side of the family.

 

So no the family was not a falsehead or a lie, we are still family, just in a different and healthier way.

 

~99