Made progress, but im stuck

[astra77]

Quick recap

 

Had an A for 6 months, I am M, he is M with 2 kids - he was my boss. Had a mental meltdown after I left my job and my MM. Now I have a new job, I am focused on something other than my pain. But I cant get over him.

 

I feel like i will forever be stuck in this hole I have dug for myself. I am contstantly reminded of him - he unfortunately has a very common first name, and I hear this name almost on a daily basis. He is officially haunting me.

 

I feel used, cheap and nasty. I cant believe that I could be so stupid to allow myself to enter into an A. I used to be a smart and sassy girl, full of confidence, and now I feel dumb and have no confidence. I feel like I cant make simple desicions just incase I f**k my life up further. And I just cant get him out of my head.

 

How do I move forward. I have confided in only one friend, which has helped me a little. As far as I know he has told no one, but seems to be getting on with life just fine - of course I dont know this as a fact as he has been NC for about 9 weeks.

 

WHY WHY WHY WHY was i so stupid. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life - im only 31 I cant do this for another 30+ years. Im scared my suicidal thoughts have returned. He has f**cked me over a beauty.

 

Any advice ?????????

[OpenBook]

It's going to take some time, astra. We're not robots, we can't just snap out of things like that. Give yourself a break.

 

And I think you are extremely lucky to be where you are!! You have a wonderful opportunity right in front of you to start fresh. You're finally rid of him, you have a new job in a brand-new environment with brand-new people -- and they don't know anything about you, or him. You can leave it all behind you, without it constantly being smacked in your face. What a gift!! Take advantage of it!!

 

Tell NO ONE of what you have been through. Start associating that common name with the new person's face. Dive into your work, and give it everything you've got, to where you don't have time to BREATHE much less think about Mr. Gooberhead. Time is your best friend -- it will fade your bad experience into something manageable, and eventually into a distant memory.

 

Good luck!!

[Meaplus3]

Quick recap

 

Had an A for 6 months, I am M, he is M with 2 kids - he was my boss. Had a mental meltdown after I left my job and my MM. Now I have a new job, I am focused on something other than my pain. But I cant get over him.

 

I feel like i will forever be stuck in this hole I have dug for myself. I am contstantly reminded of him - he unfortunately has a very common first name, and I hear this name almost on a daily basis. He is officially haunting me.

 

I feel used, cheap and nasty. I cant believe that I could be so stupid to allow myself to enter into an A. I used to be a smart and sassy girl, full of confidence, and now I feel dumb and have no confidence. I feel like I cant make simple desicions just incase I f**k my life up further. And I just cant get him out of my head.

 

How do I move forward. I have confided in only one friend, which has helped me a little. As far as I know he has told no one, but seems to be getting on with life just fine - of course I dont know this as a fact as he has been NC for about 9 weeks.

 

WHY WHY WHY WHY was i so stupid. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life - im only 31 I cant do this for another 30+ years. Im scared my suicidal thoughts have returned. He has f**cked me over a beauty.

 

Any advice ?????????

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your human and you made a mistake. It's over now.. just be thankful for that. 9 weeks NC is great. Keep up with the NC time is what you need to get past this.. and trust me.. with time you will. Best wishes. Stay strong. Hugs.

 

AP:)

[astra77]

Thanks so much guys.

 

I am a perfectionist and have always been extremly hard on myself. I guess my mental meltdown was proof of this - it was pretty severe.

 

I am beating myself up over this and just cant knock it off. I do have a fresh start and i should hit the ground running again, but I feel like everything has been stripped away from me and Im standing here naked and exposed. I feel dirty. I hate that my self esteem is below zero, that is the one thing that I knew for sure about myself if that makes sense. Now that that is gone..... I dont know what to do.

 

I will take onboard what both of you have said

 

Thanks so much

 

hugs to you both !!

[OpenBook]

But you're NOT standing there naked and exposed. You're the same fabulous girl you were before Gooberdick ever came along. Get back to yourself!! You're still in there somewhere... I know you're in there... Come out, come out, wherever you are... :bunny:

[Owl]

Has your H noticed the change in you, or asked you "what's wrong" when you're sitting there thinking about the past?

[pelicanpreacher]

You've snorted on affair's cocaine which has emoted powerful feelings of euphoria for 6 months straight and have now crashed because your supply has been cut off. You feel that what you were experiencing was true love but I have trouble believing that your relationship lasted long enough to evolve into a spiritually deep etherial state of being that transends thoughts and emotions. If you were experiencing the sort of deep and abiding sense of loss that comes from losing true love your feelings would be more directed at the absence of those spiritual intangibles he provided that fullfilled your need for a deeply spiritual connection in your life than the loss of those physical and superficially emotional personality traits you found appealing to your sense of attraction. In other words, you're missing those features you liked about him so much that you've made the leap into believing that's why you love him. At one time, you thought the features imbibed by your husband inspired your love but, as you can see, all glory is fleeting! If you left your husband for OM, sooner or later, you might end up back on search mode after living a day-to-day existence because you didn't know him as well as you thought you did either!

 

I'm reminded of Hollywood's "Death Goes On A Holiday" which was remade under the title of "Meet Mr. Black"! There's a scene in that movie where "Quincy" relates to Brad Pitt (playing Death) what he feels true love is and he described it as the freedom that came from being able to tell his wife his deepest, darkest, and vilest secret and not face rejection or revulsion, but instead, acceptance, understanding, and a really deep closeness (I'm paraphrasing).

 

I feel that what got you into this situation was that you've either lost closeness and openess with your husband or have yet to acheive it which is what is motivating your sense of dissatisfaction and wanderlust!

[silktricks]

I am a perfectionist and have always been extremly hard on myself. I guess my mental meltdown was proof of this - it was pretty severe.

 

I am beating myself up over this and just cant knock it off. I do have a fresh start and i should hit the ground running again, but I feel like everything has been stripped away from me and Im standing here naked and exposed. I feel dirty. I hate that my self esteem is below zero, that is the one thing that I knew for sure about myself if that makes sense. Now that that is gone..... I dont know what to do.

 

I will take onboard what both of you have said

 

Thanks so much

 

hugs to you both !!

 

Know that you are naked and exposed ONLY to yourself. As OB said, don't tell people about what happened. That will only make it live longer for you. Take what happened as a learning experience. You learned that you aren't perfect - just like the rest of us . You can fix up your life and go on with it. It's difficult now, but as time goes along it will be easier.

 

Your self-esteem may take awhile to recover. That may not be a totally bad thing, though, as it's possible that over-confidence in yourself contributed to allowing the affair to happen in the first place. Sometime a blow to self-esteem helps us learn a little more about the dark places in our soul we need to be wary of .

 

Anyway, keep your chin up. 9 weeks NC is a good thing and hopefully you will keep on your path to recovery.

[ShouldveKnownBetter]

Hang in there! The guilt is overwhelming at times, but you will make it through. 9 weeks of no contact is fantastic, and you did the right thing by changing jobs & trying to remove yourself from the situation.

 

I agree with the "tell no one" when it comes to professional/personal life, but I would advocate for seeing a counselor... sometimes it can help to talk things out, and a neutral perspective might be beneficial. Additionally, they may be able to offer you some new strategies for boosting your self esteem. The plus: if you don't like the counselor or once you're feeling like you've moved (far enough) past this part of your life, you don't have to go back... and they won't judge you or necessarily ever have to see you again. Just my two cents.

[silktricks]

I agree with the "tell no one" when it comes to professional/personal life, but I would advocate for seeing a counselor... sometimes it can help to talk things out, and a neutral perspective might be beneficial. Additionally, they may be able to offer you some new strategies for boosting your self esteem. The plus: if you don't like the counselor or once you're feeling like you've moved (far enough) past this part of your life, you don't have to go back... and they won't judge you or necessarily ever have to see you again. Just my two cents.

 

Sorry - you are absolutely right, SKB. I meant don't tell your friends and/or co-workers. It will only make life more difficult in the long (and short) run. A counselor can help .

[astra77]

Thanks so much everyone. Its so stupid, but i feel like the whole world can tell just by looking at me that I have been in this situation - sounds dumb I know.

 

I think I may have been over confident - not that I realised it at the time - i had no idea - but this makes sense to me now. Like a drug addict, the less i get from him, the more i want it, I guess thats a "side effect" of going cold turkey. It's just so overwhelming as I never ever believed that I would commit a sin. But as previously posted, we are only human, and not perfect, it's a very bitter pill to swallow.

 

Thanks again for you help everyone