Question

[Kamikaze]

I did not want to hijack the other thread - so, I am posting this question again here. Thank you OWL for responding to the original post.

 

I have a few questions regarding the aftermath.

 

If you were the Xmm or the BS please respond.

 

How do most/many/some Xmm treat their BS once the affair is over? How long does the Xmm feel remorse? Do most/many/some men just become passive? Did the Xmm go through similar stages of loss from the affair?

 

Just curious.

Kami

[NoIDidn't]

In my situation, at least, my WS didn't treat me badly. We just kind of talked when we could muster the emotional strength to do so.

 

He was afraid of my anger AND my sadness. He didn't deal well at all with the loss of his listening ear (EA partner) and the pain he caused his family (me AND the kids felt his distancing even though the kids are far too young to understand that kind of thing).

 

He was afraid of her anger AND her rage. He hurt her but he meant what he said at the time with his understanding of what he thought or perceived to be going on. She felt his distancing and was trying to remain friends, but he had to end it completely (friendship and all) if he was ever to regain his personal equilibrium.

 

The MP feels the loss of the AP. But they also have more to deal with. If they are decent people to begin with, they ache overhaving hurt spouse and AP.

 

But that's just what I think because of my own situation. My H is a good guy. His OW is a decent, albeit young and inexperienced in life, person too.

[silktricks]

My husband was devastated by the amount of pain he saw that I was in. The longer after the affair the worse he felt about what he had done (increased clarity came with distance). He had convinced himself while it was ongoing both that I didn't love him AND that he wasn't really doing anything wrong as it wasn't physical.

 

I expected that he would have remorse as well over what he did to the other woman, but he never did. He did, however, find at last the cause for his actions. Weirdly enough, he apologized to me for lying to her, but never apologized to her...

 

My husband treats me very very well, as I do him. Except for when we are at work we are pretty much inseparable. We cook together, clean together, shop together and often hobby together. We have many of the same interests, and where we don't (some of my hobbies bore him and vice versa) we tend to do those at the same time to lessen the time we spend apart. Most people who see us are amazed we have been together as long as we have, and we have both been told by friends and family that they envy us because they can see we are truly in love.

[Kamikaze]

In my situation, at least, my WS didn't treat me badly. We just kind of talked when we could muster the emotional strength to do so.

 

He was afraid of my anger AND my sadness. He didn't deal well at all with the loss of his listening ear (EA partner) and the pain he caused his family (me AND the kids felt his distancing even though the kids are far too young to understand that kind of thing).

 

He was afraid of her anger AND her rage. He hurt her but he meant what he said at the time with his understanding of what he thought or perceived to be going on. She felt his distancing and was trying to remain friends, but he had to end it completely (friendship and all) if he was ever to regain his personal equilibrium.

 

The MP feels the loss of the AP. But they also have more to deal with. If they are decent people to begin with, they ache overhaving hurt spouse and AP.

 

But that's just what I think because of my own situation. My H is a good guy. His OW is a decent, albeit young and inexperienced in life, person too.

 

Thank you NID for your frankness. I am really trying to understand all aspects of what has happened to me, him, and BW. Since we are in NC it is impossible to know and then understand what he is going through.

 

I am very a[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]nalytical and therefore need to think through every detail. You have helped me a great deal. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Kamikaze]

My husband was devastated by the amount of pain he saw that I was in. The longer after the affair the worse he felt about what he had done (increased clarity came with distance). He had convinced himself while it was ongoing both that I didn't love him AND that he wasn't really doing anything wrong as it wasn't physical.

 

I expected that he would have remorse as well over what he did to the other woman, but he never did. He did, however, find at last the cause for his actions. Weirdly enough, he apologized to me for lying to her, but never apologized to her...

 

My husband treats me very very well, as I do him. Except for when we are at work we are pretty much inseparable. We cook together, clean together, shop together and often hobby together. We have many of the same interests, and where we don't (some of my hobbies bore him and vice versa) we tend to do those at the same time to lessen the time we spend apart. Most people who see us are amazed we have been together as long as we have, and we have both been told by friends and family that they envy us because they can see we are truly in love.

 

Thank you Silktricks. You are very lucky to have such a great partner. That is strange that he would apologize to you for lying to her! I am guessing this was regarding his feelings for her?

[silktricks]

Thank you Silktricks. You are very lucky to have such a great partner. That is strange that he would apologize to you for lying to her! I am guessing this was regarding his feelings for her?

 

It seems like he lied about just about everything - including his feelings. Mostly, though, they were lies of omission - for example he took me on a couple rather wonderful holidays - he told her he was going away on business... didn't mention my presence. That kind of thing.

 

I am lucky - now . Thank-you.

[Confused_Me]

I did not want to hijack the other thread - so, I am posting this question again here. Thank you OWL for responding to the original post.

 

I have a few questions regarding the aftermath.

 

If you were the Xmm or the BS please respond.

 

How do most/many/some Xmm treat their BS once the affair is over? How long does the Xmm feel remorse? Do most/many/some men just become passive? Did the Xmm go through similar stages of loss from the affair?

 

Just curious.

Kami

 

Could someone kindly point out what the following means:

 

XMM

BS

WS

 

Or any similar (there's a few others I am lost with!) that I don't know, as I'm new around here...

 

Many thanks!

[GPFan]

Could someone kindly point out what the following means:

 

XMM

BS

WS

 

Or any similar (there's a few others I am lost with!) that I don't know, as I'm new around here...

 

Many thanks!

XMM = ex Married Man (the ex lover)

BS = Betrayed Spouse

WS = Wandering Spouse (sometimes referred to as CS or Cheating Spouse)

[Confused_Me]

XMM = ex Married Man (the ex lover)

BS = Betrayed Spouse

WS = Wandering Spouse (sometimes referred to as CS or Cheating Spouse)

 

Thank you kindly GPFan

[whichwayisup]

NC no contact

EA emotional affair

PA physical affar

D-Day Discovery day of the affair

[lovernotafighter]

I did not want to hijack the other thread - so, I am posting this question again here. Thank you OWL for responding to the original post.

 

I have a few questions regarding the aftermath.

 

If you were the Xmm or the BS please respond.

 

How do most/many/some Xmm treat their BS once the affair is over? How long does the Xmm feel remorse? Do most/many/some men just become passive? Did the Xmm go through similar stages of loss from the affair?

 

Just curious.

Kami

 

Surviving infidelity boards is a great resource for your question. I believe all of the posters are BS's and remorseful WS's

[Lookingforward]

Kami, I asked a similar query on my very first thread and got royally flamed for it as trying to stir up trouble and was accused of being an old poster under another name.

[Curmudgeon]

How do most/many/some Xmm treat their BS once the affair is over? How long does the Xmm feel remorse? Do most/many/some men just become passive? Did the Xmm go through similar stages of loss from the affair?

 

Just curious.

Kami

 

I hope you're not assuming thaty all the married people having affairs are men. I was the BS and the ex never did address her infidelity, own up to it, apologize for it, try to make it up to me, none of it. She just went about her business as if it never happened and she hadn't been caught.

 

I divorced her. She lost the respect of our children. Being narcissistic she couldn't care less.

[Angel1111]

I think there would be a difference as to how the man would act based on whether his wife knew about the affair or not. If she knows about it, then he'll have to endure the tears, questions, and the incredible guilt he'll feel for inflicting that kind of pain on anyone. If she doesn't know, he would probably just operate from low-level guilt until his feelings about the whole thing subside.

 

I left my husband and filed for divorce very shortly after he cheated. But there was about a 2-week period where we were still in the house. He was still talking to the OW but showing a great deal of sorrow about how much pain I was in. I could barely function and was losing weight steadilly. I had diarreha all the time and cried quite a bit.

 

I left him but we got back together many months later (because I apparently hadn't had enough pain) but he had to do some fancy dancing in order to get me there. He said everything every woman would want to hear. Unfortunately, he was abusive and my much wiser self now knows that abusers never change - they only get worse. The first weekend we were living together, he began the verbal abuse. I knew it was never going to last.

 

But, if you're wondering what your xMM is saying to his wife (assuming she knows about the affair), we obviously don't know, but if she knows about the affair, he's probably telling her what she wants to hear. But, here's the catch - the thing that drove him to having an affair in the first place, the problems between them, are going to rear their ugly heads again and all the old dynamics will be right in front of them again.

[bentnotbroken]

I hope you're not assuming thaty all the married people having affairs are men. I was the BS and the ex never did address her infidelity, own up to it, apologize for it, try to make it up to me, none of it. She just went about her business as if it never happened and she hadn't been caught.

 

I divorced her. She lost the respect of our children. Being narcissistic she couldn't care less.

 

 

I second this.

[Angel1111]

I think there would be a difference as to how the man would act based on whether his wife knew about the affair or not. If she knows about it, then he'll have to endure the tears, questions, and the incredible guilt he'll feel for inflicting that kind of pain on someone. If she doesn't know, he would probably just operate from low-level guilt until his feelings about the whole thing subside.

 

I left my husband and filed for divorce very shortly after he cheated. But there was about a 2-week period where we were still in the house together. He was still talking to the OW but showing a great deal of sorrow about how much pain I was in. I could barely function and was losing weight steadilly. I had diarreha all the time and cried quite a bit.

 

I left him but we got back together many months later (because I apparently hadn't had enough pain) but he had to do some fancy dancing in order to get me there. He said everything every woman would want to hear. Unfortunately, he was abusive and my much wiser self now knows that abusers never change - they only get worse. The first weekend we were living together, he began the verbal abuse. I knew it was never going to last.

 

But, if you're wondering what your xMM is saying to his wife (assuming she knows about the affair), we obviously don't know, but if she knows about the affair, he's probably telling her what she wants to hear. But, here's the catch - the thing that drove him to having an affair in the first place, the problems between them, are going to rear their ugly heads again and all the old dynamics will be right in front of them again.

 

For whatever reason, xMM is trying to save his marriage. That's really the only piece of information that is pertinent to you. I know it's tough and you want answers just as much as anyone but this is the real heartache of relationships with married people - they're in a category all by themselves.

[bentnotbroken]

I think there would be a difference as to how the man would act based on whether his wife knew about the affair or not. If she knows about it, then he'll have to endure the tears, questions, and the incredible guilt he'll feel for inflicting that kind of pain on anyone. If she doesn't know, he would probably just operate from low-level guilt until his feelings about the whole thing subside.

 

I left my husband and filed for divorce very shortly after he cheated. But there was about a 2-week period where we were still in the house. He was still talking to the OW but showing a great deal of sorrow about how much pain I was in. I could barely function and was losing weight steadilly. I had diarreha all the time and cried quite a bit.

 

I left him but we got back together many months later (because I apparently hadn't had enough pain) but he had to do some fancy dancing in order to get me there. He said everything every woman would want to hear. Unfortunately, he was abusive and my much wiser self now knows that abusers never change - they only get worse. The first weekend we were living together, he began the verbal abuse. I knew it was never going to last.

 

But, if you're wondering what your xMM is saying to his wife (assuming she knows about the affair), we obviously don't know, but if she knows about the affair, he's probably telling her what she wants to hear. But, here's the catch - the thing that drove him to having an affair in the first place, the problems between them, are going to rear their ugly heads again and all the old dynamics will be right in front of them again.

 

 

 

Why do we keep saying the problems drive people to cheat? IF that is true, then both spouses should cheat, since they are in the same marriage. It is a decision, that one spouse makes, to not work on the marriage or not to walk away before they get involved with someone else. It is a decision based on immaturity and cowardess(keep one thing while waiting for the next to show up). I just wish someone would explain to me, why both partners don't always cheat. I know that there are instances where they both do, but it seems as if it isn't a common pratice.

[Angel1111]

Why do we keep saying the problems drive people to cheat? IF that is true, then both spouses should cheat, since they are in the same marriage. It is a decision, that one spouse makes, to not work on the marriage or not to walk away before they get involved with someone else. It is a decision based on immaturity and cowardess(keep one thing while waiting for the next to show up). I just wish someone would explain to me, why both partners don't always cheat. I know that there are instances where they both do, but it seems as if it isn't a common pratice.

 

As I've said in other posts on this site, most people are not serial cheaters and most people do not intentionally look for affairs. When there are extreme problems in a marriage, something's going to give. It really doesn't matter who does the cheating, both parties need to look at their part in how it got to that point.

 

In my case, my husband was abusive and he had the affair for one reason - to hurt me for saying I wanted out of the marriage. Mission accomplished. Then his involvment with the OW got complicated. But, for my part, I should've never stayed in such a marriage. Am I responsible for his affair? No. But I am responsible for letting a marriage get that bad and not going with my initial instinct. There's accountability on both sides, whether people want to look at it that way or not.

[GreenEyedLady]

I just wish someone would explain to me, why both partners don't always cheat. I know that there are instances where they both do, but it seems as if it isn't a common pratice.

 

Because it is against the person's value system.

 

I was betrayed when I was married. We had problems for a looonnnggg time. He refused to work on the problems and we just fought and I cried and it was so bad I would go to sleep EVERY night wishing I would die. I knew that he was cheating, just really, really surprised with who, but I couldn't prove it.

 

And even through years of barely any sex and no intimacy of any kind, I never cheated. And I have always had a very strong sex drive. Call it hypocritical, ironic whatever, it was against my value system to be unfaithful to my mate. I could not do it. Instead I left the M and took my 2 young children with me.

 

Other people don't have the same value system. They feel entitled to cheat, think as long as they don't get caught it's fine, etc.

 

So that's why both partner's don't cheat. It's not even on the horizon for some. Because it's wrong. And it is a betrayal of the worst kind.

[Tomcat33]

In my case, my husband was abusive and he had the affair for one reason - to hurt me for saying I wanted out of the marriage. Mission accomplished. Then his involvment with the OW got complicated. But, for my part, I should've never stayed in such a marriage. Am I responsible for his affair? No. But I am responsible for letting a marriage get that bad and not going with my initial instinct. There's accountability on both sides, whether people want to look at it that way or not.

 

 

This is a very interesting concept Angel and I have tried to explain this many times around here about my ex and his ex W and how she too was accountable for the demise of their marriage. What I bolded of your words is exactly it, the partner that does not cheat in many instances is ALSO responsible for not letting go when they should. People hold on to the marriage for many reasons other than for what is best for them, they hold on for material reasons, for material comfort, even thought their hearts and heads are warning them otherwise.

[GreenEyedLady]

People hold on to the marriage for many reasons other than for what is best for them, they hold on for material reasons, for material comfort, even thought their hearts and heads are warning them otherwise.

 

I think sometimes also because they need to get their ducks in a row.

 

I stayed longer than I should have because I had young children and was a stay-at-home-mom and grad student. My 2nd baby was an oops or I would have left sooner.

 

And I needed to stay so I could finish school and secure a well paying job. I made my plan and it took a year for me to be able to do what I needed to do and then I was out of there!

 

My mother wanted me to leave 9 months earlier. But that would have meant I would be penniless and have to rely on my parents for everything. I didn't want to do that, so I waited an extra 9 months. Seemed like forever though.

[Angel1111]

I think sometimes also because they need to get their ducks in a row.

 

I stayed longer than I should have because I had young children and was a stay-at-home-mom and grad student. My 2nd baby was an oops or I would have left sooner.

 

And I needed to stay so I could finish school and secure a well paying job. I made my plan and it took a year for me to be able to do what I needed to do and then I was out of there!

 

My mother wanted me to leave 9 months earlier. But that would have meant I would be penniless and have to rely on my parents for everything. I didn't want to do that, so I waited an extra 9 months. Seemed like forever though.

 

There's a big difference between getting your ducks in a row, and sticking your head in the sand about the severity of problems in a relationship.

 

Congratulations to you for making a plan and getting out.

[Angel1111]

This is a very interesting concept Angel and I have tried to explain this many times around here about my ex and his ex W and how she too was accountable for the demise of their marriage. What I bolded of your words is exactly it, the partner that does not cheat in many instances is ALSO responsible for not letting go when they should. People hold on to the marriage for many reasons other than for what is best for them, they hold on for material reasons, for material comfort, even thought their hearts and heads are warning them otherwise.

 

Every time I ignore the red flags, I pay for it in a big way. When people spend too much time on their moral high ground, they will miss the point entirely and play victim all their lives. When I look back on it now, it is absolutely no surprise at all that something happened in my marriage to shake things loose. There's nothing like an affair to get your undivided attention. It is a total wake-up call.

[GreenEyedLady]

Congratulations to you for making a plan and getting out.

 

It's been 5 years now since I left. And I'm very happy to say that we get along rather well now. We're happy and the kids are happy. So it all worked out in the end.

[bentnotbroken]

Because it is against the person's value system.

 

I was betrayed when I was married. We had problems for a looonnnggg time. He refused to work on the problems and we just fought and I cried and it was so bad I would go to sleep EVERY night wishing I would die. I knew that he was cheating, just really, really surprised with who, but I couldn't prove it.

 

And even through years of barely any sex and no intimacy of any kind, I never cheated. And I have always had a very strong sex drive. Call it hypocritical, ironic whatever, it was against my value system to be unfaithful to my mate. I could not do it. Instead I left the M and took my 2 young children with me.

 

Other people don't have the same value system. They feel entitled to cheat, think as long as they don't get caught it's fine, etc.

 

So that's why both partner's don't cheat. It's not even on the horizon for some. Because it's wrong. And it is a betrayal of the worst kind.

 

 

 

 

Explaination greatly appreciated. You did what so many should have done, including Mr. Messy.