hunnyb Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 Hi all, I am 28 years old. I have been having an affair with a married man for 10 months now. He is 36 and they have no children. He does not live with his wife. He moved out about 5 months ago, after telling her about me and his strong feelings for me. We spent three months doing everything together. He got close to my children, we spent every day together laughing and holding eachother at night. Then out of no where, three weeks ago he tells me he's decided to try to work things out with his wife. He said he feels guilty because she'd given up everything for him and he at least owed her a chance. <big sigh> so, he still didn't move back in with her, but they have been spending weekends with eachother trying to "reconnect" and it is killing me. He still calls me and we see eachother at work every day. We go to lunch and for drinks and still comes over to my house...yes, we have slept with eachother three times since he made the "decision". I'm at the point where I know I should let him go, but I do love him, so I hesitate. He tells me that he's not sure what he feels in his heart, before he told me he loved me. I'm so confused. Is there a chance with this guy or should I just cut my losses and move on? Hunnyb Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 Hi all, I am 28 years old. I have been having an affair with a married man for 10 months now. He is 36 and they have no children. He does not live with his wife. He moved out about 5 months ago, after telling her about me and his strong feelings for me. We spent three months doing everything together. He got close to my children, we spent every day together laughing and holding eachother at night. Then out of no where, three weeks ago he tells me he's decided to try to work things out with his wife. He said he feels guilty because she'd given up everything for him and he at least owed her a chance. <big sigh> so, he still didn't move back in with her, but they have been spending weekends with eachother trying to "reconnect" and it is killing me. He still calls me and we see eachother at work every day. We go to lunch and for drinks and still comes over to my house...yes, we have slept with eachother three times since he made the "decision". I'm at the point where I know I should let him go, but I do love him, so I hesitate. He tells me that he's not sure what he feels in his heart, before he told me he loved me. I'm so confused. Is there a chance with this guy or should I just cut my losses and move on? Hunnyb Why not - he's already left YOU.......you just haven't gotten that memo yet apparently. wow, what a decision he made, if you've slept together 3 times since........this is called USING you.....either he is trying to reconcile his M or he's not - and having lunch and drinks and coming to your house doesn't sound like he's putting a whole lot of effort into either scenario, does it ? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 You know the answer, you don't need LS'ers to tell you what it is. Luckily your MM does not have children with his wife. You haven't ruined the lives of children he doesen't have. You are young enough to rebound, and find a suitable mate. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Hi all, I am 28 years old. I have been having an affair with a married man for 10 months now. He is 36 and they have no children. He does not live with his wife. He moved out about 5 months ago, after telling her about me and his strong feelings for me. We spent three months doing everything together. He got close to my children, we spent every day together laughing and holding eachother at night. Then out of no where, three weeks ago he tells me he's decided to try to work things out with his wife. He said he feels guilty because she'd given up everything for him and he at least owed her a chance. <big sigh> so, he still didn't move back in with her, but they have been spending weekends with eachother trying to "reconnect" and it is killing me. He still calls me and we see eachother at work every day. We go to lunch and for drinks and still comes over to my house...yes, we have slept with eachother three times since he made the "decision". I'm at the point where I know I should let him go, but I do love him, so I hesitate. He tells me that he's not sure what he feels in his heart, before he told me he loved me. I'm so confused. Is there a chance with this guy or should I just cut my losses and move on? Hunnyb Why have you exposed your children to a MM? Your R shouldn't have been a part of their lives until there was something concrete. You aren't only messing up your life, his wife's life, but your kids life. You need to let go and get some counseling about why you would expose your kids to such an unhealthy situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunnyb Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 Why have you exposed your children to a MM? Your R shouldn't have been a part of their lives until there was something concrete. You aren't only messing up your life, his wife's life, but your kids life. You need to let go and get some counseling about why you would expose your kids to such an unhealthy situation. When he left his wife for me, I thought that was concrete. I thought he had made a decision to end his marriage...I didn't think he was going to change his mind. He wanted to be a part of their lives, he even helped coach their little league team. I sit here crying as I write this...I know I was naive...I'm going to do the right thing, but the sad part is, we all miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 When he left his wife for me, I thought that was concrete. I thought he had made a decision to end his marriage...I didn't think he was going to change his mind. He wanted to be a part of their lives, he even helped coach their little league team. I sit here crying as I write this...I know I was naive...I'm going to do the right thing, but the sad part is, we all miss him. Concrete is when you see the divorce papers, until then your wasting your time. I think you know what the right thing to do is.. end it. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm afraid if you let him come back to you, that's what he'll keep doing - going back and forth between you and his W. You don't sound like you're in this for the sex so tell him that. End it before you get in too deep. If he wants to be with you, he needs to have his signed divorce papers in his hands. Right now, he loves the idea of having you over the week and his W over the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 When he left his wife for me, I thought that was concrete. I thought he had made a decision to end his marriage...I didn't think he was going to change his mind. He wanted to be a part of their lives, he even helped coach their little league team. I sit here crying as I write this...I know I was naive...I'm going to do the right thing, but the sad part is, we all miss him. Unless there was a divorce decree in his hand, there was nothing solid. Now your children are hurting. They give love and trust freely, and you allowed them to give it to a man who lied to his wife, so lying to children would be nothing. I am sorry they are hurting, but you need to put your own pain aside to help them heal in a healthy way. And in the future consider who you expose your children to. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Hi all, I am 28 years old. I have been having an affair with a married man for 10 months now. He is 36 and they have no children. He does not live with his wife. He moved out about 5 months ago, after telling her about me and his strong feelings for me. We spent three months doing everything together. He got close to my children, we spent every day together laughing and holding eachother at night. Then out of no where, three weeks ago he tells me he's decided to try to work things out with his wife. He said he feels guilty because she'd given up everything for him and he at least owed her a chance. <big sigh> so, he still didn't move back in with her, but they have been spending weekends with eachother trying to "reconnect" and it is killing me. He still calls me and we see eachother at work every day. We go to lunch and for drinks and still comes over to my house...yes, we have slept with eachother three times since he made the "decision". I'm at the point where I know I should let him go, but I do love him, so I hesitate. He tells me that he's not sure what he feels in his heart, before he told me he loved me. I'm so confused. Is there a chance with this guy or should I just cut my losses and move on? Hunnyb Ask yourself this hunnyb: Why do you want to be with a man who is not 100% sure that he wants to be with you and only you? Don't you deserve someone who is SURE in his heart that he loves you and who shows you that with not only words but actions? And don't you want a man who values his marriage vows enough to at least end his marriage before taking up with another woman? I just watched the Batman Begins movie and I was struck by this line which I think is so true: "It's my actions that define me." Right now this man's actions are showing you that he does not value his marriage vows, he does not value his relationship with you, he does not value ANYTHING enough to make a decision and stick with it and act on it. So please hunnyb think about the kind of man you really want and whether this man could POSSIBLY resemble a good man willing to give you his whole heart for sure and value the promises, let alone vows, that he makes. I vote for the old heave ho -- you can do much better than a married man. These are all things I asked myself at one point because like yours my xMM moved out and talked about divorce and it never happened. I woke up and called it off and he never told me in words he was unsure-- in fact he always told me he is DEFINITELY getting a divorce and being with me, but his actions or lack thereof were showing me that he was unsure in his heart. I finally realized, why do I want a man who would cheat on his wife with me, be unsure about which one of us he really wants, and lies to and strings both of us along? Ewww. I got out of there and I hope you do too. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 When he left his wife for me, I thought that was concrete. I thought he had made a decision to end his marriage...I didn't think he was going to change his mind. He wanted to be a part of their lives, he even helped coach their little league team. I sit here crying as I write this...I know I was naive...I'm going to do the right thing, but the sad part is, we all miss him. I understand. You are wiser now, so it's time to put all of that knowledge into practice and do the right thing. Then you can start healing from your pain. I've been there, it gets better as you realize how strong and smart you are and how you don't need a man to be happy, let alone one who is sleazy enough to cheat on his wife and then go back to her and dump you, etc. etc. etc. (I have a feeling this pattern will keep continuing if you let it -- cake eaters keep eating until you one of the bakeries shuts itself down...) You only need to be true to yourself and your values. Take control of your life back from this guy! Now that you have learned this lesson you can go forward realizing the best way for you and your children is to not get involved with a man who has made a commitment to another woman and who hasn't done the hard work of ending that commitment on his own before getting involved with someone new. You are strong and you can do it. Use what you have learned to your benefit and start living a happier life. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm afraid if you let him come back to you, that's what he'll keep doing - going back and forth between you and his W. You don't sound like you're in this for the sex so tell him that. End it before you get in too deep. If he wants to be with you, he needs to have his signed divorce papers in his hands. Right now, he loves the idea of having you over the week and his W over the weekend. I agree with this, don't accept his crumbs. Wait till you have a feast from someone way better. Remember he will do to you what you let him get away with. Don't let him get away with ANYTHING less than a divorce, if you still want him after his head games and indeciveness and now that you have learned all of this. I wouldn't! You can do way better and I hope you know that. Link to post Share on other sites
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