lessonlearnt Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 I just wanted to know what the longest period of NC was before the OP or the MP made contact with the intention of starting up the affair again. I have seen people on this forum have gaps of several months or so and then the mm gets in contact. Have any of you just bumped into your xmp and found it awkward or has it led to the affair being rekindled. How did you react to the meeting? If someone left it over 6 months to contact me, I would think they were on a fishing expedition. Surely you can't bear not to be in contact for that length of time? Or does it show that they have taken the time away to think things through before they get in contact? Or does the fact that they have got in contact show that they really do care for you (contradicts the fishing expedition theory I suppose). Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 A year and a half, with sporadic communication in that time. Though I would not say that the intent on resuming communication was to start an A. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessonlearnt Posted July 6, 2008 Author Share Posted July 6, 2008 I just read some of your recent posts and it looks as if you have resumed the affair earlier this year. It sort of proves that just because there is no contact or sporadic contact for a long period of time that the mm is over you. Have you ever been cold or hostile during the sporadic communication or were you always willing to be neutral and welcoming? I think that if I initiated contact then it would be on his terms as he hasn't left home. I guess in your case the love is so stong it eventually caused you to reconnect. Link to post Share on other sites
me003 Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 This last time was the NC for good. Because of what I do and what I am, it is hard to get a job at another location. He on the other hand (being a supervisor) could get moved without him asking or could request, but not guaranteed, to be moved. I am on vacation he is not. He is not my direct supervisor, but I do have to deal with him, which I will through his secretary. This time, he will have hard time getting my attention (I found out of previous A). {{{I know I was the OW, but I was not aware but BW knew about... BW forgave him and moved family far away from the OOW}}} I kept breaking up with him, but he would always make me feel bad and I like an idiot took him back (hopefully W is stronger than me) Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted July 6, 2008 Share Posted July 6, 2008 I just read some of your recent posts and it looks as if you have resumed the affair earlier this year. It sort of proves that just because there is no contact or sporadic contact for a long period of time that the mm is over you. Have you ever been cold or hostile during the sporadic communication or were you always willing to be neutral and welcoming? I think that if I initiated contact then it would be on his terms as he hasn't left home. I guess in your case the love is so stong it eventually caused you to reconnect. I'm not sure I understand the bolded part, but neither of us seemed to get over it. And we both tried. I have never been cold or hostile with him. Our break ups were both pretty gut wrenching and done in order for him to "do what was right" for his family. I hold no animosity towards him for his beliefs. I stayed in an unhappy M for many years because I believed that was right for my kids. We were friends well before anything developed romantically and at the time we were both separated. I think we both hoped to try and retain that friendship but it was impossible. The occasional email communication was okay, but anytime we had a face to face meeting, it was too hard. We had agreed that we need to go to total NC in order to stop hurting each other. We even set a date. However, when push came to shove, our love was too strong to let us walk away. So yes, we resumed the A. I am not sure what the future holds. I know he is struggling with the situation and the fact that he loves a woman who is not his W. He knows what I want and he knows that it won't last forever the way it is now. But having said that, he is not making any promises. I am not "here" because he said he was leaving. I am here because I love him and he loves me. And whatever happens, I will not hate him. I understand the pain and struggles he is having with his decisions. And while I don't believe he went back to and is staying in his M for the right reasons, it is not my decision. He knows my thoughts and feeling regarding it. And if I am the one to walk away, he will know why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessonlearnt Posted July 6, 2008 Author Share Posted July 6, 2008 "It sort of proves that just because there is no contact or sporadic contact for a long period of time that the mm is over you" What I was meaning was that just because you don't communicate with each other for several months it doesn't mean that you won't get together again and that the affair is at an end. I should have said that "you are over each other" rather than "that the mm is over you". Your story does sound heart wrenching and I hope he realises just how much you love him which comes through your post. The fact that you are still with him, after trying to separate, also shows how strong your love is. Link to post Share on other sites
spinningwheels Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 we went anywhere from 2 weeks to three months without speaking...over and over for a couple of years. Longest time was 6 months. He called me 5 times in one day, after six months of NC. I never responded. Too much time had passed, nothing left for me to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamikaze Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 we went anywhere from 2 weeks to three months without speaking...over and over for a couple of years. Longest time was 6 months. He called me 5 times in one day, after six months of NC. I never responded. Too much time had passed, nothing left for me to say. Hi SW, During those time that you were in NC with him - did "you" make the initial contact or did he? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamikaze Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I'm not sure I understand the bolded part, but neither of us seemed to get over it. And we both tried. I have never been cold or hostile with him. Our break ups were both pretty gut wrenching and done in order for him to "do what was right" for his family. I hold no animosity towards him for his beliefs. I stayed in an unhappy M for many years because I believed that was right for my kids. We were friends well before anything developed romantically and at the time we were both separated. I think we both hoped to try and retain that friendship but it was impossible. The occasional email communication was okay, but anytime we had a face to face meeting, it was too hard. We had agreed that we need to go to total NC in order to stop hurting each other. We even set a date. However, when push came to shove, our love was too strong to let us walk away. So yes, we resumed the A. I am not sure what the future holds. I know he is struggling with the situation and the fact that he loves a woman who is not his W. He knows what I want and he knows that it won't last forever the way it is now. But having said that, he is not making any promises. I am not "here" because he said he was leaving. I am here because I love him and he loves me. And whatever happens, I will not hate him. I understand the pain and struggles he is having with his decisions. And while I don't believe he went back to and is staying in his M for the right reasons, it is not my decision. He knows my thoughts and feeling regarding it. And if I am the one to walk away, he will know why. Right now I feel the same way. I have stopped C becuase of the call from the PD - he was also told by them not to contact me. So, I don't know if he will try to break the NC or not. I guess we will see. I do still love him and the last thing he said to me was that he love me and that I would always be a part of him and his life. I guess we will see about that too. After 28 years it is hard to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
spinningwheels Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 He always contacted me. I felt he made his choice--I would never pursue him...he always came back. I always took him back--until now. Last time he tried was this past Saturday after six months. Five calls--two messages of love, and sorry, and can't believe he was so stupid to let me slip away. I have not nor will I return his call. Nothing will ever change, and I can't turn back into a broken record, spinning my wheels. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamikaze Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 He always contacted me. I felt he made his choice--I would never pursue him...he always came back. I always took him back--until now. Last time he tried was this past Saturday after six months. Five calls--two messages of love, and sorry, and can't believe he was so stupid to let me slip away. I have not nor will I return his call. Nothing will ever change, and I can't turn back into a broken record, spinning my wheels. I am not sure he will ever contact me again. If he does, I hope I can be as strong as you have been - that is my goal. But, then again - he has tracked me down over the years - across the country - never called - just found me. Link to post Share on other sites
spinningwheels Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 You know--I don't think I am strong. I think that my heart has been broken too much...nothing can repair it....I still cry every single day...after six months, I still cry EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!...but, what would talking to him do??? There is nothing I can do to change this. He has not changed anything...he wants the same thing he had for years...and, it hurts me too much....every day we were together, I was broken...every day we are apart, I am broken....it just hurts a little bit less when we are apart. Every single day he breaks my heart, although we are not together....I worry and care and feel sick about his life. He can't change, and it breaks me...but, I can't be with him and watch the trainwreck. I have told him all of this over and over again...and he promises but can't follow through...so I can't deal with it anymore...I turned into a broken record, so I had to stop it, there was nothing left to say. He knows what I think and feel, but he still tries to get back to the way things were with us...well, that doesn't work anymore for me...I am empty, not strong, I have nothing left to give to him...but I still hurt. I wish you the best, just sit back and think....what will change if he contacts you??? If you are happy being the OW, that is different, but I wasn't, and I died a bit every day. I am hoping for a happier life without him. He can't hurt AS MUCH if he doesn't get to see me or talk to me....although I still am in pain alone. It will slowly get better, I hope.... Link to post Share on other sites
Kamikaze Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 You know--I don't think I am strong. I think that my heart has been broken too much...nothing can repair it....I still cry every single day...after six months, I still cry EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!...but, what would talking to him do??? There is nothing I can do to change this. He has not changed anything...he wants the same thing he had for years...and, it hurts me too much....every day we were together, I was broken...every day we are apart, I am broken....it just hurts a little bit less when we are apart. Every single day he breaks my heart, although we are not together....I worry and care and feel sick about his life. He can't change, and it breaks me...but, I can't be with him and watch the trainwreck. I have told him all of this over and over again...and he promises but can't follow through...so I can't deal with it anymore...I turned into a broken record, so I had to stop it, there was nothing left to say. He knows what I think and feel, but he still tries to get back to the way things were with us...well, that doesn't work anymore for me...I am empty, not strong, I have nothing left to give to him...but I still hurt. I wish you the best, just sit back and think....what will change if he contacts you??? If you are happy being the OW, that is different, but I wasn't, and I died a bit every day. I am hoping for a happier life without him. He can't hurt AS MUCH if he doesn't get to see me or talk to me....although I still am in pain alone. It will slowly get better, I hope.... I certainly feel your pain. I have not made any decisions in my life. I don't think I can right now. My therapist says I need to give it a year No I do not want things to go back like thery were - I really don't know what I want. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessonlearnt Posted July 12, 2008 Author Share Posted July 12, 2008 I am not sure he will ever contact me again. If he does, I hope I can be as strong as you have been - that is my goal. But, then again - he has tracked me down over the years - across the country - never called - just found me. What do you mean when you say he "just found you" if he never phone you? I know that some mm like to test the water in a face to face conversation rather than having the phone banged down on them! I am sorry for your pain but you have seen his true colors now. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamikaze Posted July 13, 2008 Share Posted July 13, 2008 What do you mean when you say he "just found you" if he never phone you? I know that some mm like to test the water in a face to face conversation rather than having the phone banged down on them! I am sorry for your pain but you have seen his true colors now. I have a VERY public job. So, it is not too difficult to track me down if one knows what to look for. He would find me and just show up. Have I seen his true colors? Or, is he (again) hiding who he is from her so that he can get back to the comfortably numb place? I wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
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