Still Waiting...

[HIS OTHER ONE]

Ive been in an A for four years now. I am the OW. He has been claiming his M has been over. I believe the BW has know for the last two years but has never contacted me (she is much older than him), she checks his cell, e-mails, etc. At this point he is not trying to hide it either. As I have never contacted her either. We live an hour away from each other. Here is my dilema...He left her 1 1/2 years ago. At the time I was not ready for him to move out of his house & move in with me immediately, so he moved into his own house alone. He would stay with me on week-ends and I would stay with him on others. Like 6 months ago he broke off with me and moved back in with her, he claimed it was for financial reasons (they have no kids together, he has 2 boys from previous marrige when he was very young), of course 1 month later he contacted me and I fell for it again ( I love him so...) he is still there with the W, but claims he is miserable and moving back was the biggest mistake of his life, that he loves me and wants to finally be together for good. He wants to move with me now. Says lets just do it right this time. He is going to file for the divorce. What sould I do, should I trust and believe? Please I need advise. TY all.

[Lookingforward]

Ive been in an A for four years now. I am the OW. He has been claiming his M has been over. I believe the BW has know for the last two years but has never contacted me (she is much older than him), she checks his cell, e-mails, etc. At this point he is not trying to hide it either. As I have never contacted her either. We live an hour away from each other. Here is my dilema...He left her 1 1/2 years ago. At the time I was not ready for him to move out of his house & move in with me immediately, so he moved into his own house alone. He would stay with me on week-ends and I would stay with him on others. Like 6 months ago he broke off with me and moved back in with her, he claimed it was for financial reasons (they have no kids together, he has 2 boys from previous marrige when he was very young), of course 1 month later he contacted me and I fell for it again ( I love him so...) he is still there with the W, but claims he is miserable and moving back was the biggest mistake of his life, that he loves me and wants to finally be together for good. He wants to move with me now. Says lets just do it right this time. He is going to file for the divorce. What sould I do, should I trust and believe? Please I need advise. TY all.

 

So he was moved out for a year before returning, yet never made a move to file for D? What "financial reasons" - they have no children, should be relatively simple.

 

I think you're being played by a guy who decided he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Tell him when he has already moved out (again) and has his D in hand then you'll consider it... what's to stop him doing the exact same thing again but this time he's living WITH you before he returns to the M ? Can you take that amount of pain ?

[LakesideDream]

The continuing "Drama" is really the worst thing isn't it? There probably isn't anything as difficult as the position that an OW allows herself to be in. I suppose that applies to OM as well.

 

OM/OW affairs are unique in that there is a built in lack of equality. The "OP" by definition must settle for what he/she can get out of the relationship. Our love interests are never able to be spontanious. Usually cannot be generous, or available.

 

At best, it's frequent (or infrequent) meetings once if lucky twice a week or month, a few hours in a hotel or motel.. There are no weeks on a cruise, or vacations to the Caribbean. No saving and planning for next year. No imprompto "lets go out" for a romantic dinner.

 

That's what an OM/OW has chosen. And it's never enough.

[astra77]

The continuing "Drama" is really the worst thing isn't it? There probably isn't anything as difficult as the position that an OW allows herself to be in. I suppose that applies to OM as well.

 

OM/OW affairs are unique in that there is a built in lack of equality. The "OP" by definition must settle for what he/she can get out of the relationship. Our love interests are never able to be spontanious. Usually cannot be generous, or available.

 

At best, it's frequent (or infrequent) meetings once if lucky twice a week or month, a few hours in a hotel or motel.. There are no weeks on a cruise, or vacations to the Caribbean. No saving and planning for next year. No imprompto "lets go out" for a romantic dinner.

 

That's what an OM/OW has chosen. And it's never enough.

 

LSD This hits the nail on the head for me.

 

OM/OW are just that - we are the other man or woman in a married persons life. We ARE NOT the 1st prize, we are 2nd PRIZE and will continue to be so BY CHOICE.

 

No we cant just be spontaneous with our MM/MW and go out for dinner or a movie. No we cant just go for a drink after work or lie in bed after making love and soak in the euphoria of the moment, no plans are ever made with our MM/MW coz thats just it - THEY ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

 

As much as we truely believe we are in love with our MM/MW, in the real sense of the word, and honestly I dont think there are too many OM/OW out there that dont truely love their MM/MW, however, the MM/MW in our life are NOT on the same page as the OM/OW. UNless of course in RARE circumstances, the MM/MW is on the same page and does leave their M, but this is very RARE - and should definaltely not drag on for months or even years. I wouldnt mind betting that after 6 months of beginning in the affair, if MM/MW is still M, they aint gonna leave any time soon.

 

We as the OW/OM effectively "stop living our lives" for the MM/MW without even realising it. I did. We stop persuing OUR OWN hobbies, OUR OWN dreams, and OUR OWN lives for this OW/OM. We REARRANGE OUR OWN LIVES to "suit" the MM/MW. OM/OW dont got to the gym " just incase he/she calls me", we dont attend that family function " just incase he/she calls me", oh no, i cant go play tennis today (even though I LOVE tennis) " just incase he/she calls me". Of course, you wouldnt want to miss that 2 minute conversation with the MM/MW.

 

And believe me, i thought my xmm was on the same page as me, but he wasnt. I wrote my xmm an email saying something similar to this.

 

To me, being in love with someone means your feelings for each other are there for the world to see, you cant hide how you feel about someone when you are in love. Love is not some dark, dirty secret that is hidden away in a small space under lock and key so that nobody finds it. An affair is not love. Love is free and pure and spontaneous and exciting and DEFINATELY not one sided.

 

If you want to sing and shout from the rooftops about your love for someone, and the person you are singing and shouting about is telling you to shut the F**K up, the the love is very one sided. This is in no way healthy, and the OW/OM has to realise this and get out of the A as everyone deserves to be 1st prize.

 

1st prize is ALWAYS coming first, ALWAYS being #1 priority in a persons life - NO EXCEPTIONS. Sloppy 2nd's is not healthy for the OM/OW - maybe it is good for the MM/MW, but not for the OW/OM

[GreenEyedLady]

OM/OW are just that - we are the other man or woman in a married persons life. We ARE NOT the 1st prize, we are 2nd PRIZE and will continue to be so BY CHOICE.

 

We as the OW/OM effectively "stop living our lives" for the MM/MW without even realising it. I did. We stop persuing OUR OWN hobbies, OUR OWN dreams, and OUR OWN lives for this OW/OM. We REARRANGE OUR OWN LIVES to "suit" the MM/MW.

 

1st prize is ALWAYS coming first, ALWAYS being #1 priority in a persons life - NO EXCEPTIONS. Sloppy 2nd's is not healthy for the OM/OW - maybe it is good for the MM/MW, but not for the OW/OM

 

I was never 2nd. I never allowed myself to feel that way. As in any R, you get what you settle for. And I don't settle. I never stopped living my life. And after 2 and half years, he ended the M and we've been living together happily.

 

It comes down to how the OW allows herself to be treated. I always took that the tack that: He's the one who's married so that's his problem, not mine.

[Lyssa]

What sould I do, should I trust and believe? Please I need advise. TY all.

 

I wouldn't move in with or let him move in with me if the papers are not signed. You have to protect yourself first, in any case he flakes again.

[Lyssa]

That's the advice any of us can give - never settle and don't stop living your life just because you're the OW. Do not wait - let it be known to him that you deserve more and that if he can't fulfill your needs, leave so that you can be with someone that can make you, his priority.

[grumpygirrl]

I was never 2nd. I never allowed myself to feel that way. As in any R, you get what you settle for. And I don't settle. I never stopped living my life. And after 2 and half years, he ended the M and we've been living together happily.

 

 

Your right you get what you settle for. Sometimes I wonder in regards to the OW/OM when that man realizes that he is not the center of the OW/OM life and they start to live their own lives putting the MM on stand by, not being their for him when he calls, or telling him you have to go because you have plans, what does that do to the married man? I would believe that this would shift the dynamics of the relationship and as my mom would say, make the MM **** or get off the pot! But, at the same time you are living your life, this would give the OM/OW power over their own live and not leaving it to the MM/MW.

[Mino]

Gel, i dont know about you, but these "witches are always somehow wrong on their predictions... I guess there not REAl !! Fortune telling is tabu...Good night Gel, no energy for this one tonight....

[Lyssa]

Anyone else get sick of all the haters around here?

 

Especially those with sign-up dates of the current month?

 

What's sad is that we know who you are and you need to get a life.

 

*eye roll*

 

Oh you're not the only one, GEL - I'm sure. It's get really old, doesn't it?

[OWoman]

The continuing "Drama" is really the worst thing isn't it? There probably isn't anything as difficult as the position that an OW allows herself to be in. I suppose that applies to OM as well.

 

OM/OW affairs are unique in that there is a built in lack of equality. The "OP" by definition must settle for what he/she can get out of the relationship. Our love interests are never able to be spontanious. Usually cannot be generous, or available.

 

At best, it's frequent (or infrequent) meetings once if lucky twice a week or month, a few hours in a hotel or motel.. There are no weeks on a cruise, or vacations to the Caribbean. No saving and planning for next year. No imprompto "lets go out" for a romantic dinner.

 

That's what an OM/OW has chosen. And it's never enough.

 

LsD I think it depends on the terms of the agreement! None of my As was as you describe above - there as no drama. Any inequality "favoured" me - the MM was the one having to "settle" for less than he wanted, in the event he wanted more. I was getting exactly what I wanted. Spontaneity in abundance, and generosity, the frequence of meetings was determined by me and involved exactly as long or short as I wanted, at a moment's notice. It suited me perfectly, at the time.

 

I understand that for many OWs and OMs life isn't like that, but given that it CAN be I don't think that that is a structural necessity embedded in an A. It's perhaps what some OWs and OMs are prepared to settle for - as opposed to nothing at all - given that that may be all their particular MM or MW is offering. OTOH if they held out for more, at the outset, or set their conditions very firmly in place when approaching the MM or MW, those constraints may look very different.

 

It seems to me that too many OWs / OMs have internalised guilt about the whole thing, and so feel that they are bad people and that they are deserving of less than they could demand - with some prospects of success - and so land up with the rough end of the stick. I have always insisted that any R be on my terms or not at all, because I believe I deserve that if I'm to be involved, and I've never had to rightsize my expectations.

 

Trouble is, most OWs and OMs here landed up in that position, they didn't plan it at the outset, so were not in a position to bargain and negotiate for a settlement that suited them at the time. And once a dynamic is established in a R, of any kind, it's awfully difficult to shift that.

 

HOO, that said... Your MM may have returned to his W for a soft landing, given that you weren't providing him one. He may now have realised that the cost of that was more than he was prepared to pay. Fair enough - but, like others, I'd suggest you set your terms clearly to him. He wants to 'do it right' this time, meaning get together with you asap. What does 'do it right' mean for you? Do you want the signed divorce decree in your hand first, or are you happy to live together with him while he's going through with that? What do YOU want from him - and what is his response to your list of demands, or is this all about you complying with his?

[OWoman]

I was never 2nd. I never allowed myself to feel that way. As in any R, you get what you settle for. And I don't settle. I never stopped living my life. And after 2 and half years, he ended the M and we've been living together happily.

 

It comes down to how the OW allows herself to be treated. I always took that the tack that: He's the one who's married so that's his problem, not mine.

 

Amen to that GEL! I have always demanded what I'm worth and always gotten it. And, at the point where I was wanting MM full-time, I let that be known and got it (him!) too. It's not pie in the sky. It's saying, this is what I want because this is what I deserve. And getting it!

 

(And, before any crumpets or other baked goods ask, no, I feel no guilt either. I relish my R openly and proudly, and always have done. If anyone else has problems with it, well, those are their problems for them to deal with on their time with their therapist, they are not MY problems.)

[HIS OTHER ONE]

Thank you all for your advice. Funny... yesterday I was with my MM and I had a moment where our conversation became deep, and at that moment I made it very clear to him that he could not move in with me until I saw the divorce papers. I told him as much as I loved him I could not trust that he would do it based on his word. He agreed; he even told me he wanted me to go with him to the lawyer. I denied doing so, telling him this was something for him to do on his own. After he moved out the 1st time he had all my trust, I felt we were invincible. Now I always have my guard up, always defensive, expecting the unexpected. The love is still very strong, but will it ever be as secure and trusted as before?

[Lyssa]

Amen to that GEL! I have always demanded what I'm worth and always gotten it. And, at the point where I was wanting MM full-time, I let that be known and got it (him!) too. It's not pie in the sky. It's saying, this is what I want because this is what I deserve. And getting it!

 

(And, before any crumpets or other baked goods ask, no, I feel no guilt either. I relish my R openly and proudly, and always have done. If anyone else has problems with it, well, those are their problems for them to deal with on their time with their therapist, they are not MY problems.)

 

Me three!

 

And OWoman... thanks - I love how you put it.

[Kamikaze]

Amen to that GEL! I have always demanded what I'm worth and always gotten it. And, at the point where I was wanting MM full-time, I let that be known and got it (him!) too. It's not pie in the sky. It's saying, this is what I want because this is what I deserve. And getting it!

 

(And, before any crumpets or other baked goods ask, no, I feel no guilt either. I relish my R openly and proudly, and always have done. If anyone else has problems with it, well, those are their problems for them to deal with on their time with their therapist, they are not MY problems.)

 

Good for you! I have always believed that if one wants something bad enough then they have only themselve to blame if they do not get it. I certainly see now where I made my mistakes with my MM. I have no idea if he will ever try to contact me - I am certainly not going to contact him - ever again. He knows where I am, how to get in touch, and how I feel about him. So, I am getting my life back.

 

Thanks for your support - I have a great deal of respect for you.