Let me have it!

[kellykellykelly]

Well, I went almost 9 days with NC. The last contact was when MM and W/kids were at Mall together. I saw their cars in lot together. He said it was 'no big deal' that she just came up there after he was already there. Still, I told him, if your marriage was in such shambles and she is so pissed at you, why would you guys be at the mall together? I called him a liar, blah blah... and then went NC.

 

Then, he went out of town all week for work. He went to this motivational conference thing. He text me all week, constantly. Morning, noon, and night. Mostly sad faces, crying faces. I totally ignored him for 3 days. I did not respond. I was thinking how nice and quiet my life was w/o him and how heavy it is w/ him.

 

I did finally respond to him though... (yes, big mistake)

 

MM: "What a Terrible ending :("

Me: "Oh. I thought you were getting a divorce."

MM: "I am. I told her Saturday night.... It really doesn't matter though..."

(I know. This is such an obvious hook!)

Me: I didn't respond to this, nor to the next 5 msgs. he sent me that night.

The next morning it starts all over w the messages, then he calls me.

I answered and was pissed. He said...

MM: "I just wanted to call and hear your voice is that OK?"

Me: "No! It's not OK! Leave me alone. You are married. You made a choice, and you moved back home. YOU left me, so leave me alone! blah, blah.....

 

Anyway...

I didn't have any contact w him the rest of the week. He did keep texting me and leaving voice messages but I did not respond at all! He was saying all this stuff like...

MM:" I TRUELY love you Kelly. I want to start living for us."

MM: "when I get divorced, can I live with you still?"

MM: "Honey. I won't be leaving you alone. Just so you know."

MM: "I will get divorced! I love you so much. We will not be apart. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me Kelly...."

 

Then he called and left voice msgs. He was crying and saying, "I'm so sorry for putting you through this. I made the wrong decision to move back home. I love you and want to be with you forever. Please call me back!"

Well, I didn't call him back.

Then more text sad faces from him for 2 more days. Until the day he got back from his trip, then nothing.

 

Friday, I had to work at his work. I called the main boss to find out what I need to do. He said he was off work that day, to call MM. I told him I would rather he just told me. He said he was brain dead and was home with his daughter, I had to call MM. So I did. He didn't answer, so I left msg. about work and need to know what to do. He didn't call me back. I went there anyway and did part of my normal routine. I saw MM there. Seems like he purposely put himself in front of me. He never did call me back about work, so I finished and left.

 

So, after seeing him, I'm a mess again. Well, not totally, but teetering. That's why I'm here, writing this. I know, You give me advice. I know right from wrong. I know when I feel good (without him) and feel bad (with him) but................I saw him. I love him.

 

So, Friday night I couldn't sleep good, and kept having dreams about us. Saturday morning I was emotional..... and guess what? I started texting him! AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Among telling him about my my love for him, I told him that we can talk if he still wants to. He said He does.

 

Well, that was yesterday morning. The soonest that he can get together so we can talk is Sunday night. I text him last night saying that: "All those messages you sent me last week, I thought you would want to talk sooner." No reply from him the rest of the night. Guess he was at HOME w W. Seems like if he was serious, he would be right over here in a heartbeat. But he obviously has prior arrangements and will have to try to fit me into his schedule. Like always.

 

GOD!~ Why do I keep doing this?

 

 

I was really thinking about how sick this all is and how peaceful my life is when he is not around.... not worrying, wondering, waiting. I've been busy at work and home. I really had a great week, feeling confident and strong. I was thinking about how when he is around, there is always turmoil, confusion, doubt. I don't want to live like that. Without him it has been sunny and bright and positive. So, why am I doing it again? When will this end?

[SerenityX2]

Kelly seriously when YOU stop it.

 

Did you see my advice to you on the other thread? It still applies.

 

The thing that sticks out now for me is the comment that he said "honey, I will never leave you alone." Seriously that gives me chills. and makes me WHY would you would someone that totally disregards your feelings like this? And is completely manuipulative to boot? Unless you really are addicted to the drama and are deluding yourself by coming here and saying you WANT to stop. Nobody is stopping you but YOU.

 

He's an addiction, that's why you feel good momentarily while in contact, and crap when he blows you off.

 

You say you're strong, you are not proving it here....you can do better. You are LETTING him destroy you bit by bit. He may be doing it, but you're ALLOWING it. People can only do to us, what we "allow."

 

Real men don't keep you guessing and good guys don't hold your heart hostage.

[bentnotbroken]

He is a pus filled pimple on the @$$ of humanity, pop him and move on.

[81West]

I'm assuming everybody means what they've said for the purposes of this reply.

 

In a perfect world we end one relationship before we start another. Unfortunately, it's not always a perfect world. Part of that imperfect world is the fact that many people don't easily leap into the unknown from the security of an established if unfulfilling relationship. If he was looking for some assurances from you through his series of text messages and phone calls, he didn't get them.

 

It seems that you've both come to a place where you're expressing your fears, frustrations, hurt and doubt in tit for tat games. If possible I'd suggest a face to face meeting where you drop the defences and speak to him softly but firmly. A few things to include/factor in should be:

 

- you need a firm commitment with a firm date in the very near future

- you both need a shared plan

- he deserves an acknowledgement from you that leaving his family is hard, even if he is unhappy

- he needs to understand that his feelings of guilt and second guessing are understandable, but if they mean he is not ready/willing to take the leap you will leave the relationship until such time that he is divorced, at which time you may or may not be available

 

As a potential couple you need to be honest to yourselves and each other about the pressure cooker that this will be. Can you handle his guilt and doubt? Can he handle any hurt and fear you may feel about his guilt and doubt? Can he commit to stay with you through those initial rough parts and beyond despite any guilt he feels? Can you handle whatever will come from his wife? Can both of you handle the stigma of this type of relationship carries for months and sometimes years?

 

If this is going to work you need to be brutally honest with each other, as well as compassionate and firmly committed.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

NC is a difficult place to be Kelly and you did really well and had a "blip". Text him back and say "I gave you the chance to talk but your lack of immediacy has spoken volumes. I deserve more. Dont contact me again".

 

Take the control back, feel good about it and go back to your peaceful life without the drama that he's adding to it - you're doing really well! Dont focus on what he's doing at home or what he's doing with his W - focus on you instead because you're the important one in your life, not them.

[whichwayisup]

Get back into NC mode and do your best to stay that way. It's obvious that he's doing the cat and mouse game (ego feed) with you and just as you start to make progress, you cave.

 

This will ALL end when you finally have had enough and stop allowing yourself to fall back into his life because you miss him. Fight the urge, distract yourself. Instead of texting him when you feel yourself getting the urge, GO out somewhere, visit a friend or a neighbour, post on here, clean your house, anything to get your mind off of him. It'll pass and you'll be GRATEFUL you didn't cave. Caving just makes him feel good and gives him more power over you (which he is aware of) and makes him want to play the game even more.

 

Think long term here, not in the moment. Sure, for afew minutes you get to feel something nice with him, but then later on you feel crappy and sad. HE IS NOT worth it, he's married and has NO intention of leaving, even if he keeps saying he will. His actions do NOT match his words so STOP hoping and wishing that when he tells you "I love you, I want to live with you, be in your life" is true, it isn't at all. Those are just words, empty promises.

[Owl]

I think I've suggested this to you before...I know I've suggested it to others.

 

Tell him point blank that if he contacts you one more time, for ANY reason...it gets forwarded on to his wife immediately.

 

AND DO IT.

 

Even if he IS getting a D, he's not going to want her to know about the two of you yet. Its the only way I can see to get him to back off.

 

The one other way would be to send him a text or something informing him that you want no further contact with him...and that if he continues, you will file for a restraining order. It sounds to me like you've got good grounds for one.

[nadiaj2727]

He is probably saying all that same stuff to his wife. He only cares about himself. WHY do you keep putting up with this jerk? Seriously ask yourself that Kelly, why are you attracted to this drama and conflict? I think you know it is much healthier for you to just walk away, this man can never give you the type of love you deserve. And you aren't giving yourself the type of love you deserve when you continue contact with him. Stay away... that's my only advice for your drama with this azzhat from day 1. You just need to start taking everyone's advice instead of giving in and responding to him.

[nadiaj2727]

Kelly seriously when YOU stop it.

 

Did you see my advice to you on the other thread? It still applies.

 

The thing that sticks out now for me is the comment that he said "honey, I will never leave you alone." Seriously that gives me chills. and makes me WHY would you would someone that totally disregards your feelings like this? And is completely manuipulative to boot? Unless you really are addicted to the drama and are deluding yourself by coming here and saying you WANT to stop. Nobody is stopping you but YOU.

 

He's an addiction, that's why you feel good momentarily while in contact, and crap when he blows you off.

 

You say you're strong, you are not proving it here....you can do better. You are LETTING him destroy you bit by bit. He may be doing it, but you're ALLOWING it. People can only do to us, what we "allow."

 

Real men don't keep you guessing and good guys don't hold your heart hostage.

 

I think all this advice is great. It is way past time to ask him for deadlines and be patient. He has shown you by his ACTIONS that he is not getting divorced, and even if he does, do you really want him after all this waffling? I am betting that if he were available you wouldn't even want him, it is more that you are caught up in the drama, the addiction, the trying to "save" him. I haven't seen you write one redeeming thing about his character, or naything about his actions except that he is stringing both his wife and you along. Would you really want to be that wife??? Get out while you can. He is weak, stop being weak along with him.