will it ever end?

[confused75]

Hello everybody,

 

About 2 years back I got involved with my colleague who had a live-in girlfriend. I was also leaving with my fiancee. I know I did something very wrong and I am still paying for this now because my heart is restless. The fact is that my fiancee had been ignoring me for sometime and was not treating me well for some time so in my colleague, who was also my best friend, I found a true love (this is what I thought at the point). I had never loved anyone in my life the way I loved this guy. He just seemed so perfect for me. We understood each other without words and had such similar interests and he was so caring. He was giving me everything I was missing at home from my fiancee. After a few months into this affair, we started telling each other that this was so wrong and that we should have first resolved our situations at home and then see where the future would take us. Then the things got out of hand. I was suffering so much. I never told my fiancee that I was seeing someone else but I told him that I was unhappy and that I wanted a breakup. The colleague on the other hand kept telling me that he had told the same to his fiancee yet she would not leave. My fiancee was very supportive and he told me that if I was happier without me he was ready to let me go. So several months after this situation while I was suffering so much because I loved the other guy and yet his fiancee seemed not to understand that he no longer loved me, I accidentally saw the email on his pc where they were going on vacation together. I was so upset. He kept telling me that their breakup was only a matter of days or weeks and here we go he goes on vacation with her. I told him that it was over and that he should have worked on his relationship and let me find my way to my happiness with or without my fiancee. He seemed to be understanding. Yet, a couple of days afterwards he came back telling me that he could not leave without me and was ready to demonstrate this by moving in together with me immediately. Well, you can understand my state of mind at that point. I could not trust him any more. I felt so much played with. How could he go on vacation with a girl he said he was breaking up with and he was doing so for months already. I never asked him to finish with her. All I ever asked him was to let us figure out separately what each of us wanted from our respective lives. Yet, he played with me. Well, after my response he still went on vacation with her. At that point I told him that my decision was final and that I needed to get on with my life and figure out what I wanted. Anyway, long story told short, I had deep talks with my fiancee. I told him that I was not sure that I loved him any more and I wanted to figure out what to do with my life. The thing is that we live together. We own the home together. I am an immigrant and I have no body else or nowhere else to go. So, while I was figuring out, we still continued living together. And I found out a day by day that my fiancee was my best friend. He changed so much. He completely turned around. I wish he were like this for ever. I would have never erred (I know it's all my fault, but still...). So, several months down the line, my colleague is still my colleague and he's also my friend. I still love him because I treasure a lot of his qualities. But, although, my relationship with my fiancee is not perfect I love this guy too because in the most difficult moments of my life when I turned my back towards him, he was there for me. He never left me. He stayed right there to support me in my most difficult moments... So, now, several months down the line, my colleague who actually broke up with his girlfriend in around September keeps telling me that I should give him another chance because he knew that what we had was perfect and that we loved each other so much that I owe this relationship another chance. On another hand, I have a man, my fiancee, who's not perfect but he's so loyal and loving and was there for me when I was struggling with so much hurt and disappointment. The fact is that I still feel that my colleague could have been a better man for me due to our common interests and similar characters but I no longer trust him and I treasure so much the loyalty and honesty of my man. What still hurts me is that I still get those moments when I wonder what it could be like with my colleague but I don't want to throw away what is so important to me, my relationship with my fiancee. I no longer want to cheat and lie neither. I am not cheating and lying now either. My colleague is a friend right now and only that to me. So what I am wondering about is whether the fact that I still think about this other guy means that I am disloyal to my fiancee and whether I shall break it off with him to just find out alone what I shall do with my life? I know this is so confusing but I am so confused sometimes. How do you choose between a man who's so loyal and loving and a man whom you loved so much but who betrayed you? My heart tells me that I should just stay with my fiancee... but I don't know how to stop thinking about the other guy. Thanks

[whichwayisup]

You can't be friends with the other man anymore, you'll never get over him. You two crossed so many lines and you can't go backwards and be friends.

 

Sadly, you need to end it with your fiancee because you aren't inlove with him. Marrying him WILL be a huge mistake, not only because you cheated on him, but also because you'd be starting off your life together based on a big lie ... Imagine if he finds out later on, that you cheated and fell for another man?

 

If you want a real chance here, come clean and tell your fiancee the truth about what you've done, allow HIM the choice to either stay or end it. Right now you hold all the cards and he is clueless about who you are and what you've done.

 

Would you want to marry a man who was very much hung up on some other woman? That's just not fair and I think if the situation was reversed, you'd want to know.

[bish]

Hello everybody,

 

About 2 years back I got involved with my colleague who had a live-in girlfriend. I was also leaving with my fiancee. I know I did something very wrong and I am still paying for this now because my heart is restless. The fact is that my fiancee had been ignoring me for sometime and was not treating me well for some time so in my colleague, who was also my best friend, I found a true love (this is what I thought at the point). I had never loved anyone in my life the way I loved this guy. He just seemed so perfect for me. We understood each other without words and had such similar interests and he was so caring. He was giving me everything I was missing at home from my fiancee. After a few months into this affair, we started telling each other that this was so wrong and that we should have first resolved our situations at home and then see where the future would take us. Then the things got out of hand. I was suffering so much. I never told my fiancee that I was seeing someone else but I told him that I was unhappy and that I wanted a breakup. The colleague on the other hand kept telling me that he had told the same to his fiancee yet she would not leave. My fiancee was very supportive and he told me that if I was happier without me he was ready to let me go. So several months after this situation while I was suffering so much because I loved the other guy and yet his fiancee seemed not to understand that he no longer loved me, I accidentally saw the email on his pc where they were going on vacation together. I was so upset. He kept telling me that their breakup was only a matter of days or weeks and here we go he goes on vacation with her. I told him that it was over and that he should have worked on his relationship and let me find my way to my happiness with or without my fiancee. He seemed to be understanding. Yet, a couple of days afterwards he came back telling me that he could not leave without me and was ready to demonstrate this by moving in together with me immediately. Well, you can understand my state of mind at that point. I could not trust him any more. I felt so much played with.

 

You cheat on your fiancee, yet YOU feel you cannot trust and feel played? ok:confused:

 

 

How could he go on vacation with a girl he said he was breaking up with and he was doing so for months already.

 

It happens all the time. Look at the MM/MW that stay with their spouses and do all that stuff, yet are screwing other people behind their spouses backs.

 

 

I never asked him to finish with her.

 

Ok this is where you don't make sense. You never asked him to finish with her. So what are you expecting? that he stays with her and never goes anywhere with her?

 

 

All I ever asked him was to let us figure out separately what each of us wanted from our respective lives.

 

Yes, and it looks like he figured it out.

 

 

Yet, he played with me.

 

No, he didn't. YOU told him things were getting out of hand and both of you needed to figure things out and see if there is anything to resolve in your current relationships. How is he going to figure it out with his fiancee if he doesn't give it his best shot? As foolish as his fiancee is by wanting to keep his sorry ass, he is doing what anyone should do when trying to resolve the situation.

 

 

And I found out a day by day that my fiancee was my best friend. He changed so much. He completely turned around. I wish he were like this for ever. I would have never erred (I know it's all my fault, but still...). So, several months down the line, my colleague is still my colleague and he's also my friend. I still love him because I treasure a lot of his qualities. But, although, my relationship with my fiancee is not perfect I love this guy too because in the most difficult moments of my life when I turned my back towards him, he was there for me. He never left me. He stayed right there to support me in my most difficult moments...

 

Thats because he is in a fog about it all. He may come to his senses soon.

 

 

So, now, several months down the line, my colleague who actually broke up with his girlfriend in around September keeps telling me that I should give him another chance because he knew that what we had was perfect and that we loved each other so much that I owe this relationship another chance. On another hand, I have a man, my fiancee, who's not perfect but he's so loyal

 

Which you are not. that right there tells me you are not the one for him. He is a loyal guy and needs someone loyal as well.

 

 

and loving and was there for me when I was struggling with so much hurt and disappointment. The fact is that I still feel that my colleague could have been a better man for me due to our common interests and similar characters but I no longer trust him and I treasure so much the loyalty and honesty of my man.

 

So the question would be, why would your man trust you? You obviously would kick the other guy to the curb because you can't trust him because all he did was do as you suggested in trying to "find yourselves". So your man should do the same. I don't know why on earth he isn't holding you to the same standard you hold your piece on the side.

 

What still hurts me is that I still get those moments when I wonder what it could be like with my colleague

 

Uh, you betrayed your fiancee. Sorry if I don't cry you a river here.

 

 

but I don't want to throw away what is so important to me, my relationship with my fiancee. I no longer want to cheat and lie neither.

 

Why do I get this feeling that it is too much of a stretch to expect you to not cheat again?

 

 

I am not cheating and lying now either.

 

Well gee...give it time. How long has it been?

 

 

My colleague is a friend right now and only that to me.

 

Newsflash...he shouldn't be ANYTHING to you at all. He shouldn't even be in your life at all if you plan on duping your fiancee into completely forgiving you and moving on.

 

 

So what I am wondering about is whether the fact that I still think about this other guy means that I am disloyal to my fiancee

 

Yes, it means you are disloyal. That and maintaining contact with the other guy and remaining friends.

 

 

and whether I shall break it off with him to just find out alone what I shall do with my life?

 

I'd say thats a fine idea.

 

 

I know this is so confusing but I am so confused sometimes. How do you choose between a man who's so loyal and loving and a man whom you loved so much but who betrayed you?

 

Ok, stop...just stop. The other man didn't betray you. First of all YOU are the betrayer here.

 

Second...as I said before. The other guy didn't betray you. YOU are the one that put the skids on your affair with this guy, then are all pissed off that he actually tried to put some effort into his R, regardless how half hearted it is.

 

 

My heart tells me that I should just stay with my fiancee... but I don't know how to stop thinking about the other guy. Thanks

 

You should break it off with your fiancee. No matter how much of a fog he is in about what you did to him...he is better off without you . He is a loyal, faithful kind of guy and needs the same.

 

If you really want to do the right thing, break it off with your F so he can hopefully realize down the line that you weren't the one for him.

[whichwayisup]

Everything bish has posted, you need to digest and really think. Try to look at your situation from ALL angles here.

 

Counselling could also help because sadly, right now your life is rollercoaster ride and it's only going to get worse.

 

For starters though, talk to your Fiancee and tell him that you let another man into your heart. He may want to give you another chance, or he may not, either way he deserves honesty from you.

[nadiaj2727]

You can't be friends with the other man anymore, you'll never get over him. You two crossed so many lines and you can't go backwards and be friends.

 

Sadly, you need to end it with your fiancee because you aren't inlove with him. Marrying him WILL be a huge mistake, not only because you cheated on him, but also because you'd be starting off your life together based on a big lie ... Imagine if he finds out later on, that you cheated and fell for another man?

 

If you want a real chance here, come clean and tell your fiancee the truth about what you've done, allow HIM the choice to either stay or end it. Right now you hold all the cards and he is clueless about who you are and what you've done.

 

Would you want to marry a man who was very much hung up on some other woman? That's just not fair and I think if the situation was reversed, you'd want to know.

 

I agree with this advice, don't start a life together based on a lie. Your fiance may chose to forgive you but you have to be sure you can be faithful to him. I think you should go to counseling to figure out yourself more before committing to anyone. A cooling off period can't hurt. You have to know for sure what you want, and your fiance has to know for sure what he wants, based on having the FULL truth and information. It would be so wrong to marry him without telling him you've already cheated on him, and in my opinion it might facilitate later affairs. First you need to get to the root of your problem and change yourself so that you can be happy and faithful with whoever you eventually marry. And you have to give him the choice about whether or not he wants to stick around and be patient because getting to know and love yourself and fixing your faults is a very long and hard process. He may be better off starting fresh with someone who is already happy, secure, and in love with him enough to not cheat on him. Or he may love you enought that he believes you are worth the pain and he will stay with you. Either way, I hope you can see that that choice must be given to him, it is unfair to deprive him of that opportunity.

[confused75]

firstly, thanks to everybody who positively tried to help. It's very nice of you. Secondly, I think that unfortunately there are many people on this forum that have so much fun by treating like trash people like me that come here looking for help. There's no need for you to tell me that I am a trash. I know myself that I did something very wrong and even 1 year down the line I feel horrible about this. When I came into this forum to post, I purposefully did not post many details on my fiancee and on the other guy, let's call him G. Because I thought that it was secondary to what I had done. Yet, blaming me so much for what I did and seeing my fiancee and G as saints is just so wrong.

 

One thing I know now is that I should have walked away from my fiancee several months back. my life would have been so much easier. He treated me so badly. I did not feel loved and I felt ignored. He spent most of his time working and came back home always tired and angry. We had not made love in a whole year. I felt miserable. I should have broken off with him. I was getting no love, no compassion. Everything in this house was on my shoulders and I work too. I have a good job and I'm an independent woman. Why did I not walk away? Yes, I should have. But as I said I am an immigrant. I knew nobody in this country and had no friends. He was my only family. And furthermore I felt I owed him to take care of him while he was killing himself. But I could only resist so much. Yes, I made a mistake instead of starting something with another man, I should have just left my fiancee. I did not choose to cheat. I lived one of the most horrible and lonely moments of my life and it happened...

 

The other guy, G, is not any more saint than I am. What I meant when I said that I never pushed him to end his relationship with her was wrongfully interpreted and I feel this is because a lot of people want to see just so much more wrong in others. I actually was the only one who wanted him to work on his relationship. One month into the affair I was the only one saying that what we were doing was so wrong and I thought we should have separated to work on our situations. I wanted him to work on his relationship and let me work on my life. He never allowed me to do this.

 

He strung me along telling me that I was his only friend. His life was so unhappy without me and that he needed my support while he was going through his separation. Once again I was stupid, I should have walked away. But I did not feel like leaving a person in the worst moment in his life although I was hurting. I never pretended him to leave her nor not to work his relationship out. All I wanted was for him to be honest with me and tell me he was working on his relationship so that I could have walked away from him without feeling so sorry for leaving him in the worst moment of his life. This is what hurt. I needed to separate from him to work on my life, on my mess and on the hurt I felt inside and he kept me besides him because he made me feel guilty by leaving him in this moment. I actually broke off with him at least 5 times telling him to go work on his relationship and he came back each time in a day or couple of days at the most telling me that he did not love her and that he was separating and that he needed my support as a friend. We stopped having sex much before that. So it was more of a frienship at that point. But whether you call it friendship or not I could not leave him not for myself but for himself at that point. This is why, finding out that while he strung me along as I was struggling and suffering so much, he was actually going on a vacation with her hurt me so much. I would have been happy and I always told him that I would have been happy for him if he could have worked things out with her and if he could be happy with her.

 

Now, all of these details are insignificant and I am not looking for any mercy but it's so awful when people attack you so mercilessly without really knowing what happened.

 

Anyhow, yes I should left my fiancee at that time because I got nothing from him at that point from the relationship. But for one reason or another I did not do it. But I did tell him it was over and I was unhappy. The fact is that several months down the line my fiancee understood that he had lost me. He knew I was so angry and I did not love him any more... And leaving in the same house aided the reconciliation. He started to change. He became another person over year. He became my friend. But he was not like this 2 years ago. But why am I writing all this stuff to make you understand what I went through? Does it really matter? No it does not and it never will because it's so much easier to heartlessly attack people like me.

 

Thank you

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think anyone has said that the fiance and G are saints. They are just responding to you as you posted here about your situation that concerns them.

 

I am not sure what you want really. Are you asking for help choosing one to be with? When will what end? The drama you are in? The stress?

 

It will end when you end it. You did not choose to cheat, but you obviously did not choose to NOT cheat. Which means you must have chosen to cheat or you wouldn't have cheated. Make sense?

 

I can't choose not to steal from the store, and yet walk out of it with my pockets full of items that I didn't pay for.

 

You do sound very confused. Have you considered a more objective source than a message board? Like a therapist? You'll get so much conflicting advice here when you really need to focus on what will serve your sanity best.

 

Good luck.