NedFlanders Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 People this is a follow up to this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1696564&posted=1 Well she went back to him, all because it is the "right thing to do". She still admits she doesnt love him, but she is going back anyway all because her Pastor advised her to and her Mother told her to. Now how do I live? How do I go on knowing she is there, and in her heart she doesnt want to be. Dont tell me to forget it or move on, because it isnt that simple anymore. Everything that has happened I am in deeper now than I ever was. How do I live now? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Sadly, you don't have a choice here. She is back at home with her husband and honestly, if she really didn't want to be, she wouldn't have listened to her mom and Paster. I'm sure it isn't simple and your pain is bad right now, so surround yourself with your family and closest friends, don't be alone. Seek counselling if you need it, don't be afraid to ask for that kind of help. Take it hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to, but please, respect her choice and don't try to contact her or be a part of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 People this is a follow up to this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1696564&posted=1 Well she went back to him, all because it is the "right thing to do". She still admits she doesnt love him, but she is going back anyway all because her Pastor advised her to and her Mother told her to. Now how do I live? How do I go on knowing she is there, and in her heart she doesnt want to be. Dont tell me to forget it or move on, because it isnt that simple anymore. Everything that has happened I am in deeper now than I ever was. How do I live now? Ned, you cannot do it for her. Only she can. You are so invested in this you are seeing her returning to her abusive M as a failing on YOUR part. It's not. You need to disengage sufficiently from this to stop taking it so personally. You can do nothing to change things for her. You have to accept the limits of your power here. Otherwise it will eat you up and spit you out, and you'll be no good to ANYONE, least of all her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I also find it odd that her Pastor told her to go back to her abusive husband...Unless she didn't tell him what was really going on? OW is right, don't take this too personally because it isn't about you at all, it's all about HER. This woman has issues and until she admits this and gets help, you can't save her. You've tried and it didn't work. People who don't want to be saved do what they want at the end of the day, so her actions are showing you what is what.. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I also find it odd that her Pastor told her to go back to her abusive husband...Unless she didn't tell him what was really going on? WW sadly this doesn't surprise me at all. In all my years of counselling battered women I found CONSISTENTLY that their first port of call - often their mothers, their sisters or their pastors (since these were typically the only relationships the abuser allowed them to maintain) - would try to contain the situation, make it out not to be as bad as all that, and to encourage the woman to return and try again. "You've made your bed, now lie in it" was a common refrain. It sux major league, but those views are out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 Ned, you cannot do it for her. Only she can. You are so invested in this you are seeing her returning to her abusive M as a failing on YOUR part. It's not. You need to disengage sufficiently from this to stop taking it so personally. You can do nothing to change things for her. You have to accept the limits of your power here. Otherwise it will eat you up and spit you out, and you'll be no good to ANYONE, least of all her. It is too late for that. This has consumed my life to the point I just dont want to live another day. When I have heard everyday she doesnt love and and wants out, but cant leave because it is morally wrong. I am trying to break down a wall. She has been programmed to belive one thing through her entire life. See her Mom is also in a abusive realtionship where she has left serveral times and went back. She wants everything to go back to normal between us and I am in love with her and she is everything to me as a friend, but at the same time I just feel like nothing more than a waste of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 What is tearing me up is that I know she wants to be with me if she would open herself up, and just understand. She married when she was young and has been contolled her whole life. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 What is tearing me up is that I know she wants to be with me if she would open herself up, and just understand. She married when she was young and has been contolled her whole life. She doesn't want to be with you enough to leave, case closed. You need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 It is too late for that. This has consumed my life to the point I just dont want to live another day. When I have heard everyday she doesnt love and and wants out, but cant leave because it is morally wrong. I am trying to break down a wall. She has been programmed to belive one thing through her entire life. See her Mom is also in a abusive realtionship where she has left serveral times and went back. She wants everything to go back to normal between us and I am in love with her and she is everything to me as a friend, but at the same time I just feel like nothing more than a waste of life. This is the kind of love you have for her? What kind of love makes you want to die if you don't get what you want? I have been there done that, got a t-shirt. That ain't love, that's obsession. You need to seek counseling as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 What is tearing me up is that I know she wants to be with me if she would open herself up, and just understand. She married when she was young and has been contolled her whole life. You know that she wants to be with you IF she opens herself up, and just understands. So - you want to control her, too? You want to tell her what she should be thinking and feeling? You can not make someone do something they don't want to do. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. You also can't make her leave her H for you by threatening her with "not being able to live without her" statements. "How do I live now" is the statement of a wuss, and women don't want wusses. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts