GypsyGirl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Let me get this out of the way -- my thread title is fairly dripping with sarcasm. I figured I'd start a new topic because the other one turned into a bit of a firestorm. Anyway, my update: I've been a mess. MM wants to work this out, and part of me does, too, but I find that I just can't right now. I wish I could, but the negative feelings are eating me up. This morning I said, "You've been telling me that your leaving--a.k.a. my future happiness--depends on two things: the death of your dog, which makes me feel like some kind of vulture, and the timing of your wife's career. I love you, but these excuses are unacceptable." He came back to me 2 hours later with, "Fine. I'll leave, then." Telling me how this isn't fair to me (now that I've framed it in these terms), and he doesn't want to lose me, so he'll leave her. And the dog too. And I completely shot him down. Because really, how could he be "ready to leave" today, when he wasn't last night? What changed? Nothing. So now he's mad because I didn't get instantly overjoyed when he said he would leave. Oh man. I'm a drunken mess right now. Honestly--am I doing something wrong here? Am I supposed to be grateful and get my hopes up? I don't know what the right thing is anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 The right thing is to step back and get a clear picture of what you are in for. And drinking only adds to the confusion. You made a step in not believing what he said about leaving. You thought that out and realized nothing has changed over night. Cut of contact and go somewhere alone to think and get your head clear. You are on your way out of this mess, don't turn back now. Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 No, you did the right thing. You want him to leave the marriage for the RIGHT reasons - because the marriage cannot be saved and his partner isn't the right one for him. I can't imagine ever wanting someone who was running away from something rather than running to me. I'm more concerned that you write that your future happiness is dependent on HIM. You should never, ever place your happiness eggs in a man's basket. You should be happy, healthy, and fulfilled alone and able to deal with those uncomfortable feelings that accompany loneliness. Making another person responsible for your happiness is a recipe for disaster. My ex-husband cheated on me for that very reason and, well, we already know that infidelity is part of this guy's history. That doesn't mean he'll do it again, but it is something to be aware of, obviously. You should really take time for yourself now. Unless and until he can come to you with signed divorce papers, believe nothing. Only his actions should matter. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Now you need to tell him goodbye and go no contact. Tell him you love him but you will not be the OW in his life anymore. Don't threaten him, but make it clear to him that you won't settle for anything less - Divorce papers signed as proof. He should atleast understand your position on this and since he is getting angry because you didn't react the way he thought you would, well, let him stew in it for a while. In the meantime, focus on you, your life, other friends, family, work, whatever can keep your mind off of him and sticking to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 That's a good point. And don't take the anger personally or "feel bad" because "you made him angry." The anger is coming from the fact that he no longer controls you, and the situation. It's not directed at you. By taking back your own power you show him that you are a woman worthy of respect and dignity. Now it's up to him to put up or shut up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyGirl Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 God, I don't know what to do here. A big big big part of me just wants to smooth things over, but the smart part of me is like, no way. Not like this. I'm so exhausted with all of it. As great as he is, as wonderful as he is to me -- and he really is -- I just can't take the negativity that surrounds the relationship, and the shame. I don't want to live on the edges of someone's life. I don't want to be his dirty little secret. I don't want to sleep alone. I can't tell you how many times over the past few days I've heard that he has bent over backwards to spend time with me, like I'm such an ungrateful b!tch for having any complaints here. Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 A big big big part of me just wants to smooth things over, I've read your last post and he's counting on you to do just that. You've taught him that all he has to do is stomp his feet and make threats like a child and you'll fall into line. I'm not saying this guy doesn't have genuine feelings for you or doesn't love you - I can't possibly know that, but by his actions it's clear he cares more about his feelings, his situation and his troubles. By dumping it on you and making you feel guilty for standing up for yourself and having reasonable demands (i.e., a legitimate relationship that can stand in the light of day), he's dumping his issues and his lack of momentum to end his marriage on YOU. And that isn't right. I would really consider, long and hard, whether this is the type of man you would even want a relationship with. He is behaving very selfishly and very immaturely. Trust me, I know from experience that if a man wants to be with you, he won't let having a wife stand in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Now he is blaming you... Go along with it... Call his bluff. he is waiting for you to back down. By making you feel guilty. Ask him what time he will be there. He will twist this how he needs it. Believe me on this one..its a tactic. dont fall for it. Call him out on it! Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellnoFire Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 i agree, call his bluff. i also think it sounds like you aren't ready either if he does decide to leave his wife. not ready for everything this entails emotionally for you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 This morning I said, "You've been telling me that your leaving--a.k.a. my future happiness--depends on two things: the death of your dog, which makes me feel like some kind of vulture, and the timing of your wife's career. I love you, but these excuses are unacceptable." He came back to me 2 hours later with, "Fine. I'll leave, then." Telling me how this isn't fair to me (now that I've framed it in these terms), and he doesn't want to lose me, so he'll leave her. And the dog too. And I completely shot him down. Because really, how could he be "ready to leave" today, when he wasn't last night? What changed? Nothing. So now he's mad because I didn't get instantly overjoyed when he said he would leave. OK, well I think you need to stick to your guns, and demand actions. Yes, 'OK then I'll leave' does sound pretty unbelievable, but I think what's happening here is you're negotiating what is and isn't going to be OK going forward? He's said he's tried his hardest to see you as much as possible. Well, I would acknowledge that but say that still, that's nowhere near what you want and deserve. So make that clear. Keep on stating what you want and need without losing the plot, and without giving in. Just keep telling him what you will and won't accept, and STICK to it. You'll soon find out whether the dog is ultimately more important. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Lets be totally up front here. Given the crap he's pulled with all of this...do you REALLY want to be married to this guy? Look at how he's treated his wife in all of this...look at how he's treated YOU in all of this. Do you REALLY, HONESTLY see a happy marriage between the two of you???? In your posts, you've outlined how he's treated you. I've seen a lot of sarcasm, a lot of scorn. I've seen no hint of respect, no hint of fair play or up front honesty in anything that he's done with all of this. I know that being "in love" gives blinders. Take off the blinders for just a moment, and look at this whole situation with eyes viewing it from outside. Look at HIM...at HIS ACTIONS in dealing both with you and with his wife...and what do you REALLY see? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Lets be totally up front here. Given the crap he's pulled with all of this...do you REALLY want to be married to this guy? Yeah I'd go with the dog. Everyone's fighting over him so he's got to be really something, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yeah I'd go with the dog. Everyone's fighting over him so he's got to be really something, right? I'm telling you!! This dog must drop golden nuggets or something! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Have you considered running the dog over? Maybe talking to a vet and get a shot of whatever it is that they put animals down with? JUST KIDDING!!! Wanted to inject a bit of humor in here. And you have to admit...having a relationship that's contingent upon the death of a dog does have certain potential for morbid humor! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 GG I know you said that you were a drunken mess, so I hope you see the humor in my post. When you went into the part about him getting mad because you called him on not being ready the night before but being ready the next day, I laughed out loud. You called his bluff. And, now, he's trying to call yours. Don't let him. Take your power back. For a moment, before the fear of losing or angering him took over, you saw clearly and rationally. I mean, who can say they aren't ready to make such a huge decision and then change their mind on a dime? Stop drinking. It only clouds rational thinking when done in excess. But I LOL because I had a recollection of the many times in the past (in my early twenties) when my H and I would argue, and I would be dead wrong. But I would keep arguing to get my way, no matter how ridiculous. I would get so angry when my H called me on it. I mean, how DARE he basically call ME a liar or try to challenge MY authority?!!! That's why your MM is angry. Its hard to keep you in line when you start seeing his lies, obfuscations, and excuses for what they really are. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Have you considered running the dog over? Maybe talking to a vet and get a shot of whatever it is that they put animals down with? JUST KIDDING!!! OMG Owl! You are a total crack up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Have you considered running the dog over? Maybe talking to a vet and get a shot of whatever it is that they put animals down with? The mourning period might bring him and his W closer together as they reminisce. OTOH, cloning allows all kinds of other possibilities. He can have one, and his W can have one. Hey, if they wanted, they could each have half a dozen! Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Surely you are not going to wait around for a dog to die. Link to post Share on other sites
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