Fell off the wagon.

[clara]

Dear strange and lovely people who populate this forum,

 

I fell off the wagon and kissed my MM today. They say that heroin addicts are more likely to die after they have quit the drug and then get tempted again, because they no longer know what their tolerance is, and I would say the same is true with me.

 

In our entire romance, up to now, we only kissed once--until today, when I had been NC for 5 weeks, felt strong as an elephant, saw him, and immediately succumbed to his kisses. I'd forgotten how powerful a PHYSICAL impact he had on me, I was so focused on the mental part, and did nothing but swoon, to be frank. Oops.

 

Anyway, I can't say it feels like it changes much. I still feel good about myself, still feel my life charging forward without him, still love him and don't think he's going to leave his wife.

 

We'll know in a few weeks whether it changes much. If I keep falling off the physical wagon, then something is up. But I sort of feel like I survived well to see him and not either go to bed with him or break down crying.

 

I think the difficulty, to be frank, is finding someone I want to screw--so that I'm not stuck with all my daydreams on his very mediocre, but somehow profoundly compelling, body. It will happen, though.

 

I must say all the comments on this forum have been great.

 

I gather htat most people here are physical affairs, and some are EA, whereas I represent the high school geek--not sex, but physical attraction awfully central--necking. What do you call necking affairs?

 

I'm miles behind on the acronym business.

[bentnotbroken]

So did his wife cross your mind after the kiss? Are you good with kissing him? Any qualms about it?

[OWoman]

Anyway, I can't say it feels like it changes much. I still feel good about myself, still feel my life charging forward without him, still love him and don't think he's going to leave his wife.

 

Clara, I'm no expert on NC, but the mindset is the most important IMO. If you're feeling good about yourself, and moving ahead, you'll reach a place where the physical impact no longer even registers. If, OTOH, you find yourself sucked back into a space where he's on your mind constantly, you'll need to make some hard decisions.

 

Meantime, move forward positively. As you were...

[Owl]

Clara, this is why FULL AND COMPLETE NO CONTACT IS A MUST.

 

Anything less than that, and you're simply wasting your time, and frankly there isn't going to be anything anyone can do to help you to end the affair and heal from all of this.

 

I tried to tell you this before. Hopefully it'll be clearer now after this last incident.

 

Your options are pretty simple.

 

1. END THE AFFAIR WITH HIM COMPLETELY.

 

2. GIVE UP THE NC IDEA AND RESUME THE AFFAIR COMPLETLY

 

3. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND STAY IN THE SAME SITUATION YOU'RE IN FOREVER.

 

There really isn't much else to be said.

[clara]

Thanks.

 

This is why I posted here. I do appreciate the responses. I think OWL is probably right, but there's a part of me that also thinks that mindframe is the most important thing, and that if I set up a goal like absolute NC and then fail, and then that failure is seen as a complete failure, instead of something that happens on the way to breaking free, then that's dangerous too.

 

Its interesting, its the danger of strength instead of the danger of weakness. I feel strong now. I feel like its not going to be hard to not see him or write him for a while. But in that strength I'm less protective of myself than before, because I'm not worried about myself. And in so doing, become more like the folks on this board who pursue MM.

 

its hard for me to work up much sympathy for myself, frankly. nobody's treated me unfairly here. and i'll be fine, i'm meeting other men, my dance card is overflowing. so my motivation now comes from remembering how hard it was before, and from thinking about his wife. i should pity him, too, i suppose -- i can't imagine this is great for his soul--but his wife is leading the charge right now.

 

is it weird that i think meeting her will help? not writing him is possible--not seeing him is impossible, at least for the next several months (working--after that, fine)--but i could meet her, and it might help strengthen me.

 

betrayed spouses, would you rather that the OW know you, and have to face you, or does the whole thing sort of seem spooky to you, someone seeking you out to steel their will?

 

i know i sound sort of flip here, but I agree with the capital letters. thanks, owl.

[bentnotbroken]

I am a pretty confrontational person, so for me meeting the ow(we live in the same community)wasn't something I necessarily had to do. But it helped me to tell her what was on my mind. She is more than a little out in left field, but I know I am not the norm. I like confrontation and don't mind stepping into that role. So maybe some of the other bw on here can chime in.

[frannie]

.. today, when I had been NC for 5 weeks, felt strong as an elephant, saw him, and immediately succumbed to his kisses. I'd forgotten how powerful a PHYSICAL impact he had on me, I was so focused on the mental part, and did nothing but swoon, to be frank. Oops.

 

... there's a part of me that also thinks that mindframe is the most important thing, and that if I set up a goal like absolute NC and then fail, and then that failure is seen as a complete failure, instead of something that happens on the way to breaking free, then that's dangerous too.

 

Its interesting, its the danger of strength instead of the danger of weakness. I feel strong now. I feel like its not going to be hard to not see him or write him for a while. But in that strength I'm less protective of myself than before, because I'm not worried about myself. And in so doing, become more like the folks on this board who pursue MM....

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want, and then stick to it. Easily said. But those 'I feel strong' moments are in fact, as you say, leading to you breaking NC and actually kissing him. You're telling yourself you're 'strong' but actually what's going on here..?

 

Do you want to be NC with him? Do you believe you will find other people attractive at some point? Or are you saying one thing (that you want NC) while believing another (that you should be together..?). Get your mind really straight, and the rest will follow.

 

What is all this about 'I don't believe it will change anything'..? I'm wondering whether you are still holding on to hope that things will change. I think that's counter-productive to real NC, which is to enable you to focus on you, to heal, to look forwards not backwards to see if he's following... As long as you keep looking backwards you will be more likely to break NC (jmho based on my own experience).