should i contact him?

[surgngnl]

if you read my past posts, you'll know that i was an OW for a short while. this man, who i knew very well when we were young and we both had pined for one another ever since, has been unhappy in his marriage (no kids) for over 7 years. when we began talking again after so long, he immediately filed divorce, sold his home with the W and is moving to another city to begin his life over. for 2 months, we were incredibly happy to have found one another again. it was bliss and i had only agreed to move forward with our relationship after he had filed for divorce.

 

then, all of a sudden, he changed completely with me. while he now divorced and moved, he is severely depressed and has retreated into a hole. he has not contacted me in some time and when we did talk about 2 weeks ago, he cried and told me that he was very confused about his life. he is set on being out of the marriage, but he feels guilty that he caused his wife pain, embarrased is conservative family and can't stand to be around anyone. this has left me out in the cold and i do believe that it as finally hit me that i am terribly confused and sad that i lost him.

 

the question is: do i contact him and tell him how i feel? i think that it would be very selfish considering that his entire life has changed and he obviously can't offer me anything that i deserve (his words about a month ago). but the reason i ask is that all i can think of for the last 3 days is talking to him and spilling out how sad i've been since we have cooled off. nothing dramatic happened between us; when he told me that he was depressed and angry at him self for what he's putting himself and everyone else through, i let it go as to not burden him anymore than he already was. now, it's been about 2 months of barely any contact and i'm honestly not ok. i know that i'm in a state of depression (i have been diagnosed with manic depression since i was young), but i honestly believe that this extreme high/low that i've felt with him was my trigger this time around. i'm on meds, etc, so don't harp on the depression, please, i just need to know if talking to him about how i feel and how much i still wish for us to work out one day when he's straight is the right idea.

 

any advice would help tremendously.

[whichwayisup]

Don't contact him. He obviously needs to sort himself out. If he wants to contact you, he will.

 

Just remember right now this isn't about you - You more than likely aren't on his mind because he is focussing on himself, his life, his mistakes...He has nothing to offer you, let alone be there for you. If you call him and ask about the relationship, or even ask if he has feelings for you, it'll push him away even more.

[Owl]

He's dealing with the loss of his family, and the destruction of his self-image as a result of what he's done.

 

Let him work through it, and once he comes out the other side, he'll be able to start making his own decisions again.

 

If you come in now, you'll be a crutch to get him to the other side, but there's no telling at this point what he'll do with that crutch...keep it, or discard it.

 

Wait until he's a rational human being again, and THEN see where things can lead.

[OWoman]

He's dealing with the loss of his family, and the destruction of his self-image as a result of what he's done.

 

Let him work through it, and once he comes out the other side, he'll be able to start making his own decisions again.

 

If you come in now, you'll be a crutch to get him to the other side, but there's no telling at this point what he'll do with that crutch...keep it, or discard it.

 

Wait until he's a rational human being again, and THEN see where things can lead.

 

a crutch... or an additional source of pressure.

 

If he's feeling inadequate right now, chances are anything might seem like an additional demand - that he can't meet.

 

If he can't get through this without you, you run the risk of it developing into something co-dependent (or one-way dependent) which isn't a healthy basis for a LTR. Hold off until you can connect as equals, in his eyes and in yours.

[frannie]

it's been about 2 months of barely any contact and i'm honestly not ok. i know that i'm in a state of depression (i have been diagnosed with manic depression since i was young), but i honestly believe that this extreme high/low that i've felt with him was my trigger this time around. i'm on meds, etc, so don't harp on the depression, please, i just need to know if talking to him about how i feel and how much i still wish for us to work out one day when he's straight is the right idea.

 

any advice would help tremendously.

 

I hope this isn't going to sound like harping on the depression. I think that not only does he still obviously need time to come to terms with what has happened, so do you. I think that contacting him while you feel down, and wanting (needing?) things to work out with him, is a bad idea. As OWoman said, it might feel like extra pressure on him, which he won't be able to cope with. And secondly, it puts you in a vulnerable position, needing him to come through for you. And its unlikely he can at the moment.

 

I would do what is standard response here, and concentrate on getting yourself better too. That way, when/if he does come round (and hopefully he'll have done similar work on himself), you'll be in a much healthier position from which a relationship can grow. Anything based on mutual need as it seems to have been or would be if you got together now might be a disaster in the long run.

 

Try to concentrate on getting better, and look to the longer-term. Either with him, or with someone new down the line. Best of luck.