annastasia Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 One year ago it all began. I have been most of the time happily married with two children. My ex husband divorced me 15 years ago and I remarried two years after as did he. We literally had no contact for 13 years. Through mutual friends I would hear of his travels...children being born and life happening. I emailed him when his grandmother died. Then it began. Slowly..we began to communicate online. We quickly moved from pleasant emails to more intense, private emails and online chats. Neither of us is unhappy with our spouse or plans to leave. It is just that for some reason we have this intense attraction to one another. Still, we have not met in person. He has expressed to me his desire to sexually be together and claims that our relationship is independent of our marriages. I know that is not true. I also know that my contact with him is an infidelity and I know that it needs to end. We cooled down. Left the daily emails, texts etc.. and occasionally have contact. He has made it clear that he wants to see me when we are in his town on vacation. (my husband will not be with me the whole time). I know I am playing with fire and I need to hear from the voice of experience out there that this is just a stupid thing. We were terrible married...he has this ability to get people to drink his kool-aid. Ever since our contact I have been distracted in my marriage (obviously) and I have gained weight (which is unusual for me) I know I need to stay away...stop answering texts and emails and stop doing stupid things to get his attention...and stop letting him believe that he can call me when he wants a little phone action or that I will sacrifice my children, my marriage for a bit of "fun." BTW he had an affair when we were married. He has had an affair during his current marriage. Tell me to stop this insanity. I need to hear it over and over again as I texted him tonight and he said call...so I did. Tonight it was all about what is happening in our lives and how wonderful his wife has been lately. There is no premise of bad marriage on his part just that he continues to tell me our feeling are independent of our marriages. He even has gone as far as wanting to develop an internet business with me... anyway...give it to me...your advice, please!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 not so complicated - you're involved in an EA - the only difference is that you were once M to each other........so all the usual advice applies (but in spades) Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Why are you attracted to a serial cheater. Are you concerned with what disease he could be carrying? And you were betrayed by him, why would you even fantasize about doing that to another person(your H and his W)? I would like to give it to you, but you need to see a counselor to find out why you are even entertaining this mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Agree with both of the posters above. This isn't complicated...you've become entangled in an emotional affair with an ex...nothing new here at all. He's a serial cheater...that makes what's going on between the two of you even LESS 'special' than it might have been. Nothing new here for him, either. At least in your case, you can claim you've never done this before. You know that this is adversely affecting your marriage. You know this is adversely affecting YOU. So end it. Figure out what emotional needs of yours aren't being met in your current marriage, and take steps to fix that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annastasia Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 I already feel more in control after reading your posts. It sounds like you all feel that I may need a bit more help than this forum can offer. I do need your support and nc begins immediately. Should I just not respond or do I tell him it is over? There really isn't an ongoing internet/phone thing any longer. He just thinks we should see each other on occasion. I am such a fool. When I look at it in writing it makes me look like such a loser. What am I thinking? Yes, betrayed once...he called last night to check in and to say hi. He proceeded to tell me how fantastic his wife was being and oh...I forgot...he is into weird submissive acts. He thinks that is the way to show you truly love that person. I am really not whacked! I have an amazing life, two amazing kids and a really wonderful man who loves me the best that he can. I need you to continue to be heartless with me. I also think I need to seek counseling . I am away for the summer and not in one place for longer than three weeks so I will get support here until Labor Day. I will be in his town for those three weeks. There is no such thing as a "friendly" dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Tell him its over, tell him why its over, and make it clear that you mean it completely. Othewise, he'll continue to hound you. Next step...thinking about how to avoid this happening again, about what changes need to happen in your marriage to prevent it and make your marriage a better place, and how to safegaurd your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annastasia Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Owl, Thanks so much for your very simple but very wise advice. Your name fits! I especially appreciate your wisdom on what changes need to be made to make my marriage a better place and to safeguard my heart. What in the world would allow me to let this serial cheater and liar into my life and what would make me want to hurt my family and his for that matter. I still remember the pain when he left. I still remember how long it took to heal and I still remember how unbelievable it was to be with my H and to feel truly loved. My FH and I ended things abruptly. There was no life built together...we were young...we were leading separate lives. He has told me that he felt complete rejection by me and I guess now it is his little fantasy to have me by a string. He couldn't control me back then but now he bursts through the door so to speak and he watches me almost destroy everything. Thank God I have come to my senses before this went beyond some texting and phone calls and emails. I almost bought the store...when he was sure that it was just something that had to happen. Well, it didn't. Even stranger is he is into submission and role playing..something that is new. Time to focus on healing my soul and my marriage. Thanks, Owl! Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Yes, betrayed once...he called last night to check in and to say hi. How did it feel when you found out he cheated on you? I need you to continue to be heartless with me. I also think I need to seek counseling . It seems that you have some odd attention needs. This guy is literally degrading you and you accept it. Some kind of therapy may be helpful for you. There is no such thing as a "friendly" dinner. Not in this instance. I would suggest this rule of thumb. If you don't feel comfortable telling your husband about it... then it's wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annastasia Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 I think the best thing about this forum is looking at the facts in black and white. Why did I continue to allow this man to degrade me? How in the world does one (me) lose track of the moral obligation we have to our spouses, children and move in this direction? I have lost all focus on builiding my life with my family for the last year. I despise who I have become and now I need to take the steps to become who I know in my heart I am. What happened to the honest, caring and loyal person? Thanks to many of you I am now moving back in to my good place. I am not allowing this creep to send my life into a downward spiral. Thanks for your ongoing support! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 So, what steps are you taking towards changing the person you are and doing the things that you should be doing? Not an attack or insult...honest question. Taking inventory and clearly defining your direction is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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