OM moving on. H and I start MC

[taylor]

Found out Saturday the OM is moving on. A coworker of mine (55 yo) told me the OM asked about his daughter. The coworker showed the OM a picture of her. The OM said, "She's beautiful. Do you think I'd have a chance with her? Could you put in a good word for me?"

 

The coworker said the OM contacted him a half hour later and said, "Forget about putting in a good word for me with your daughter. I'm not good enough for her."

 

Three weeks ago when I gave him a goodbye letter he begged to stay in contact. I caved in and said OK but didn't know if we could maintain a friendship outside the workplace because of the extra feelings we had for each other. We were both ready to cross the line when he suddenly left the workplace for a job promotion at another plant.

 

Anyways, we tried to stay in contact outside the workplace for about a week, pretending we were "just friends" , but all of a sudden it felt like cheating to me and I think it did to him because we just couldn't get past those extra feelings were having..and every time we did have contact he brought up my husband. He never brought up my husband during any conversation at work.

 

We never got a chance to talk this out. I had a sudden death in my family the day we were supposed to talk about these "uncomfortable" feelings and if there really was any chance of having a "just friends" relationship outside of work. I left a short text telling him it would be awhile before I could get back to him as my family needed my full attention.

 

This past Thursday and again on Friday I called him as I promised I would to talk about "us" but he did not respond.

 

I guess during these past two weeks while I have been very busy with my family's grief, he decided to just pull away and go NC. We both knew we could not continue a relationship outside the workplace like we had inside the workplace (hence, the goodbye letter) but I didn't want it to end like this (silent exit).

 

I'm glad he's moving on for his sake, but it still hurts knowing he is taking steps to move on while I am still paralyzed with grief over losing him. And it amazes me that he could turn his attention to another woman so quickly when I am still so consumed with thoughts of him.

 

My husband and I start MC on Tuesday. I know for it to be successful, I have to put the OM out of my head and heart. It's hard because his silent exit leaves me with so many nagging, unanswered questions. I just wish we could have had a meeting of the minds and parted on mutual terms, ie., it was great knowing you, you meant alot to me, it hurts to part ways, but it's best for both of us because nothing would have come or could have come from the relationship outside the workplace, wish you all the best..smile, hug, go our separate ways.

 

I don't know what to expect from MC. Any insight?

 

My husband is already getting worked up about it. He said, "I don't want to talk about all the negative stuff from the past. I only want to focus on the good things we can do in the future to bring the love back." I told him to fix the marriage I think we also have to look at the problems we have had in the past to know how to proceed (what to focus on) in the future.

 

He also has me very concerned because he said, "If things don't start turning around pretty quickly, if I don't start seeing the love from you, I'm going to get frustrated and angry." I told him that right now I am so depressed and I am still so consumed with grief from losing the OM (withdrawal) that I don't feel anything. I'm numb.

 

Can MC help turn this around?

[noforgiveness]

You actually told your husband you are still so consumed with grief over losing your om and he is still willing to go to mc?

 

Wow he is a better person than me. If you love om and not your husband then why bother? Why put your husband through the pain of trying when you are in love with someone else. That's not fair to him. Do you just want your husband now because the om is done with you?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm glad he's moving on for his sake, but it still hurts knowing he is taking steps to move on while I am still paralyzed with grief over losing him. And it amazes me that he could turn his attention to another woman so quickly when I am still so consumed with thoughts of him.

 

It's hard because his silent exit leaves me with so many nagging, unanswered questions. I just wish we could have had a meeting of the minds and parted on mutual terms, ie., it was great knowing you, you meant alot to me, it hurts to part ways, but it's best for both of us because nothing would have come or could have come from the relationship outside the workplace, wish you all the best..smile, hug, go our separate ways.

 

The nagging unanswered questions were answered - his silence and method of exit and moving on so quickly were the answers. It is just hard to accept the answer: that he was apparently not as emotionally invested as you were, and saw no need for 'closure' - he simply walked out and closed the door behind him. With time you will be able to see that your questions were answered, and you will be able to better accept the answer.

 

As for your H being frustrated, through counseling he will be able to understand (though probably not accept) the notion of withdrawal. It will take you a while to get through this part and it will be hard on both of you. With time, no contact, counseling, and the acceptance that your unanswered questions were answered through his actions - you can get through this.

 

Your H is in his own state of denial - he would rather put it behind him and focus on the future, but he will have to look back at it too. He will have to look at the marriage and where it started to go wrong, and he will have to see the affair through your eyes. Sort of like taking care of a painful boil: it hurts to even touch, but the only way to heal it is to painfully lance it, drain it and let it slowly heal from the inside.

[grogster]

MC is often of limited value in post-affair marriages where the WS remains in the thrall of her supposedly ex-OM. It's at that time, when the affair has just ended, and the BS looks like a stranger that's it's almost dangerous to go right into MC.

 

I recommend a cooling-off period, an affair-detox before baring soul and heart in joint MC. Individual counseling is preferable at this juncture. Stabilize yourself, get greater emotional distance from the affair before jumping into MC.

 

You must get out from under your OM's thrall. And that takes time, distance and absolutely no contact. Otherwise, MC is a joke at best and an aggravating factor at worst.

 

Be very careful at this juncture of your life.

[Owl]

Taylor, I don't remember...does your H know about the affair?

 

If not, then MC is going to be problematical if you try to work through the issues in the marriage without addressing this huge one. Its the most recent, and its the one that is DIRECTLY influencing your feelings (and therefore indirectly influencing your H's).

 

MC can indeed turn things around. If you WORK at it. You can't go into it expecting IT to be what turns things around...what will turn things around is if you and your H put EFFORT into implementing what comes out in MC. You have to actually tell the truth...you have to DO what the counselor recommends...and not just half-heartedly. If you "try", but don't really put any effort into, you're going to fail.

 

MC saved my marriage for sure, after my wife's affair. But we WORKED it, we used it to make long term changes, and it was a place where he HAD to be honest with each other and ourselves. Had we done any less...we would be divorced right now.

[taylor]

OWL - Yes, my husband knows all about the emotional affair. He insisted on all the details and I was completely honest with him about it.

 

My husband had suspicions for about 5 months but didn't say anything. He just saw me checking out of our relationship more and more.

 

When the OM left our place of employment, it devastated me. I went into instant depression. My husband noticed this and wanted to know what happened to cause me to go from "happy" to "numb" in one day. I told him. He wasn't surprised.

 

That day we decided we had both had a wake-up call and knew we needed MC if there was going to be a chance of putting our marriage back together.

 

The relationship with the OM had no chance of going anywhere outside the workplace. It stayed strictly emotional. I thought it was completely innocent until the sexual tension between us started to build. We both held back from crossing that line, though. And then he left the workplace with the notion we would continue contact. Subsequent contact the next week outside work felt like cheating and we both felt uncomfortable. I didn't get a chance to talk to him about it for 2 weeks and then when I tried to contact him, he had already gone NC.

 

Even though I know there was no future with the OM, it didn't stop the emotional attachment from growing every day, all day, at work. It's that emotional attachment I am trying to let go of. I don't know how to focus on fixing my marriage when this emotional attachment to the OM is still so strong. I miss him and I still long for him because it's only been a month since he left the workplace and only 2 weeks since he went NC.

 

I don't love the OM. I like him, admire him, care about him, sexually attracted to him and am totally infatuated and intrigued with him. I love the way he made me feel and I was highly motivated to make him feel good, too, emotionally. I am not sure if I am in love with him. I thought I was but as I process everything I realize there was so much fantasy in our relationship it's hard to tell what was real or not.

 

I think a large part of me agonizes over the PA that could have been. I certainly fantasized about it and I know he had the same desire. But it didn't happen. It was at my fingertips but just out of reach. My head tells me thank God the PA didn't happen, but a part of me wanted it for a long time. I still fantasize about it.

 

I am hoping time will fade these feelings. Nothing else is working. I will respect his decision to go NC. I actually planned on NC when I gave him that goodbye letter but he begged me to keep in contact as friends so I caved in and answered his 2 calls the next day. In the end, he went NC on me...Funny. I should have stuck to my original plan to give him the letter and walk out of his life. But I was weak. Now it's weighing on me psychologically that he walked away from me, instead of the other way around. Makes it harder to get over in some ways.

 

I love my husband but I don't feel like I am in love with him. He is a good man but we both stopped caring about fixing problems in our marriage @3 years ago. We don't argue or even get upset that much with each other. It's almost like it doesn't matter what the other one does. He works long hours and to cope I just filled my time with everything else but him. Little by little, the "we" disappeared. I felt lonely and empty. Enter the OM. It was like he waved a magic wand and I felt alive again. Hard to let go of that feeling.

 

Can I get that feeling with my husband? I don't know. Can I fall in love with my husband again? I don't know. Am I willing to try. Yes.

 

I am not the only one unhappy in this marriage. My husband is, too. He knew we had problems but either ignored them or tolerated them. The difference is he didn't allow himself to get emotionally involved with someone who was willing and able to fill the voids. I did.

 

My greatest fear right now is that this "withdrawal" from the OM is going to interfere with MC. Perhaps IC for now is the better route. Will talk to the counselor tomorrow about it..first session. Will keep you posted.

[Owl]

Thanks for the info, Taylor.

 

Have you read my situation? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

My wife was involved in an EA with someone she initially met online, that later grew into phone calls/etc...

 

We're VERY happily recovered now.

 

Here's the thing...right now, your mind and your heart are focused on the loss of OM. You can't see/feel anything beyond that at the moment. Its just like going cold turkey off a drug addiction. I'll bet you're even having some physical symptoms...loss of appetite, loss of sleep, exhaustion, severe depression, loss of weight, etc...

 

Yep, she went through it too. And she felt EXACTLY as you've described so far. She had the same feeling about me (not "in love"). Not sure that our marriage was recoverable at all. She felt that I'd not worked on "our issues" either at the time.

 

The comments about "fake it til you make it" are right on the money. It takes TIME, and EFFORT to make things work. Part of that effort is simply doing things, even if your feelings aren't in them....YET.

 

MC can DEFINITELY help with this. Get an MC who has a good PLAN on dealing with the aftermath of infidelity...see if you can find one who is marriagebuilders based, if possible. ASK them what their general method is for recovering a marriage from an affair.

 

I would honestly recommend that you DON'T start IC until after you've been in MC for a while.

 

Here's the thing...IC's focus on INDIVIDUALS. They're going to be all about you, you, you. They do NOT CARE about marriages. If you give them the impression at all that you're not happey with the marriage, they'll tell you to sacrifice the marriage in a heartbeat...regardless if the marriage is recoverable or not. Regardless if you'd be happier long term in a recovered marriage or not. Often, they're one of the biggest detractors from marital recovery after an affair...

 

Go to MC, since everything is out in the open. It will NOT be a comfortable place for a while, because you're going to have to go over and over things that you wish were forgotten. Don't give up on it...stick to it. Use it as a 'safe place' to discuss and work through issues that are too tough for you and your H to deal with on your own. That hurt too much to come to a resolution on...let the MC help you work through those things together.

 

Wait a month or so on IC...see where you're at then, see where your marriage is then. Once you've started a good foundation on your marital recovery, an IC can help you sort through the personal issues that led you get to the point you were at...but working on that before you address the current state of the marriage can be disasterous.

 

Does this make any sense to you, friend?

[taylor]

noforgiveness - yes, I did tell my husband I was consumed with so much grief over losing the OM that I felt numb. It was not a major confession because he could already tell. He could see it all over my face and by my demeanor. He can see the depression. I can't hide it or lie about it.

 

And yes, he still wants to go to MC with me. We start tomorrow.

 

My husband is an amazing man. I would not have fallen in love and married him. But over the years we drifted apart, mainly because he worked such long hours and I was left alone to fill the gaps with everything but him. It took 10 years before I reached out to an OM to fill the void.

 

My husband knows this. The OM crisis has been a huge wake up call for both of us.

 

I want to work on the marriage with my husband. I don't want to lose him and he doesn't want to lose me even though I have brought this terrible scourge into our marriage. That is how I am looking at the OM now - as a scourge...an affliction or tumor that needs to be surgically removed so that my husband and I can heal. The fact that my husband and I together allowed our marriage to get so weak that a scourge was able to penetrate its sacred walls angers me now to no end.

 

Knowing that the OM was able to shut the door in my face and move on so quickly and virtually unscathed (compared to my husband and I) is also provoking feelings of anger in me that I think will help me build strength to fight this depression and withdrawal. My husband's take on the OM: "you were being nice and generous and nurturing to some vulnerable down and out guy who knew how to play you and was hoping it would all lead to sex."

 

While that is one way of looking at it, I TAKE FULL BLAME. I knew what was happening and didn't stop it. I was getting something from it all, too. I infected our marriage with this.

 

 

 

I picture the Wizard of OZ where my husband and I are being held captive in the wicked witch's castle while the OM is tiptoeing merrily in the poppy field.

 

Sadly, it's all my fault. I am the witch.

 

With time, MC, and hard work, I hope my husband can forgive me and I hope we can build a marriage that is so strong that nothing and no one can permeate it.

[whichwayisup]

Once you treat OM as an addiction, a bad habit to break and get him out of your head. then you'll be able to work with your husband to dig down deep and see if feelings come back.

[taylor]

OWL - Just read through your posts. Amazing story. What impacted me the most from your situation:

 

1. Recovery doesn't happen overnight but is an ongoing process. Just emphasizes the fact that marriage is something you invest in every day - it's a journey, not a destination.

 

2. THe betrayer (your wife/me) may recover before the betrayed (you/my husband). Right now, my husband has assumed the role of comforter/nurturer. Total support. Stable emotions..All in an effort to get back what he thought he almost lost or might lose. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - the anger, the bitterness, lack of trust..etc. I know it's coming. But as in your case, these emotions came later and continue to drift in and out of the marriage. I will brace myself for this fallout and try to help him through it as he is helping me through this withdrawal. How unrealistic to think he could possibly walk through this unscathed.

 

3. HOPE - that a marriage can survive an emotional affair if both are committed to each other and the marriage.

 

4. Your faith in God - Like you, I believe God brought my husband and I together and we did take sacred vows. Although I strayed, I, as well as my husband, have faith that God can bring us back together, strong and renewed. Without that hope, all may be lost. We will continue to pray for wisdom, strength, understanding, patience and forgiveness.

 

OWL, thank you for your posts here. They have been extremely helpful. Your thoughts on IC make sense. The last thing I need to do is focus on me, me, me. I did enough of that selfishness in the past 7 months. It's we, we, we from now on...

 

I will continue to read your threads and posts for wisdom, strength, and encouragement. I especially enjoyed reading your anniversary posts - such hope! Take care.

[Owl]

Well, I'm glad that my posts help.

 

One more thing to think about...recovery is going to be a marathon race...not a dash to the finish.

 

After reading my posts, you can see it did take over a year before I started to feel recovered...and past two before it got to where I've felt this is a permanent recovery.

 

Going into it with that realization helped me to "pace" myself. Its something you might share with your H as well.

 

There are a couple of good books..."Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" both would be a good start for both of you to start figuring out how to deal with this. I read them, although my wife did not.