Falling and conflicted... how will this end?

[sylvanas]

I am in a difficult situation right now. I have fallen for this guy whom I've liked for years. I am early 20s, he's late 20s. I've always felt there was some type of "draw" to him, but he had a girlfriend so he was "off limits" and our contact remained friendly and platonic(co-workers). I too began dating someone and eventually became engaged(though it ended 2 years later). Various times over the years, this "fondness" for him would resurface as result of something that was said or done, but still nothing happened.

 

Well, 3 years have passed and we started talking online a few months ago. It started friendly enough, sharing interests, favorite movies, music. We often talked(online) for an hour or longer. Eventually, things progressed and we began sharing secrets, more intimate details, we began flirting a little. Still even more, things progressed. We started sharing our fears, habits, things that annoy us, he wants to know *every* little detail about me. In the past few weeks, our contact has doubled, we're now talking more than once a day, usually for a total of around 3 hours. We've shared the fact that we are mutually attracted to each other and enjoy talking to each other. He's become somewhat "sappy" with me, making jokes about us being together, talking about touching each other(not sexually), kissing each other--but he's not perverse about it. It would seem that he too has fallen for me. He's admitted that he also, has always been drawn to me. That he use to get into trouble at work for spending too much time in my areas, talking to me, but that he hadn't cared because he wanted to be there with me. He's admitted jealousy towards my ex-fiance, who he knew. He actually asked me why I started dating him without finding if he(this guy) was interested first(duh, you had a girlfriend!). He actually went on this big long, frustrated rant about my ex-fiance, asking what I saw in him, mentioning how much he disliked him, why I stayed with him for so long. I have realized that I am better at hiding my feelings than he is, he just says exactly what he thinks. He has told me that, especially lately, he has found himself very attracted to me. He has recently suggested that we start "hanging out" together just the two of us, but not to do anything! Just to be around each other.

 

However, he still has his girlfriend. He confides in me their problems, their arguements. He complains about her bad behavior, her threats such as "well if that's the way things are going to be, maybe we shouldn't be together", which just make him mad. He feels confused about me. He jokes about feeling like he loves me. He says he doesn't know how things are going with her or how this will end and he doesn't want to hurt me either way, but that he cares about me a lot and wants to continue what we have. He feels guilty about feeling this way about me--he says that this hasn't ever happened to him before. He's honestly not a bad person. I don't think he's just trying to con me into becoming his "mistress", he is genuinely torn. So pretty much he told me that he *might* leave her for me, but he's not sure yet. He's not going to cheat on her though and I don't want him too. We have no intention of turning this into a physical affair. Even if he did want too, I wouldn't do that. I do honestly feel like if we continue the way we are though, that things will turn in my favor because he seems to get more attached to me, as I do to him, by the day now. I just feel very conflicted. I've never felt so completely intertwined into someone else's life. We've told each other things that we'd never tell any one--even some things I've never told a boyfriend before. I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined this would happen. Am I a bad person for feeling this way about him? It's not just an issue of me "finding someone else", I have real, actual feelings for him, it really would break my heart at this point for it to end.

 

Will I get hurt in the end? -.-

Edited March 28, 2008 by sylvanas

[Starla]

i would stay away as much as i possibly could. he's in a relationship, and he should be talking about it to his girlfriend, not you. if he's torn, that's for him to work out in his own time, but the decision he makes will only be harder if he sees her and you all the time.

even if you work together, and you still see him, you are gonna have to cool it. it is horribly unfair on his girlfriend, and unfair on you too!!!

[MimiMe]

He is not married for you to become his "mistress". If you'll be hurt? Absolutely! Do you really need to ask us that!! Because you know you will.

Dont discard the opportunity, but the girlfriend must go.

Have you asked, why is he still with her if he has all these feelings about you? Where does he see his relationship with her going?

 

IMHO... he needs to make his decision and SOON! or else he's just "cake eating" even if you are relationship is not physical. He's still cheating on her!!!

 

Besides, if you ever want to amount to anything with this guy, it's better to separate yourself from it now and let him handle it or else you will never trust him either.

"What starts bad ends bad" type scenario!!!

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

He confides in me their problems, their arguements. He complains about her bad behavior, her threats such as "well if that's the way things are going to be, maybe we shouldn't be together"

Well golly, it seems as though she's handed Mr. Studly his golden ticket out - and ball-less coward that he is (aren't they all?) he doesn't take it. Gosh, that sure is odd, isn't it? I mean, especially since he does nothing but complain about her 'bad' behavior and all. I would imagine HIS behavior, sneaking around and chatting on the computer like a hormonal stupid-ass teenager, is stellar? Please.

 

Instead of taking her offer for them not to be together, he acts like a scumbag and starts up a little computer romance with you behind her back, talking trash about her and staying exactly where he wants to stay - with her.

 

Go down to the homeless section in your city and pick up a bum laying in the street with a wine bottle clenched in his hand. That guy will have more integrity than this little weasel.

[MimiMe]

Well golly, it seems as though she's handed Mr. Studly his golden ticket out - and ball-less coward that he is (aren't they all?) he doesn't take it. Gosh, that sure is odd, isn't it? I mean, especially since he does nothing but complain about her 'bad' behavior and all. I would imagine HIS behavior, sneaking around and chatting on the computer like a hormonal stupid-ass teenager, is stellar? Please.

 

Instead of taking her offer for them not to be together, he acts like a scumbag and starts up a little computer romance with you behind her back, talking trash about her and staying exactly where he wants to stay - with her.

 

Go down to the homeless section in your city and pick up a bum laying in the street with a wine bottle clenched in his hand. That guy will have more integrity than this little weasel.

 

 

:lmao::lmao: Jeez!!! You're hysterical but sooo on the money!

Yes, it is pretty lame and not a good quality what he is doing. Throw the dog a bone though...

[LucreziaBorgia]

So pretty much he told me that he *might* leave her for me, but he's not sure yet.

 

You are making this guy a priority, while he only sees you as an option - and not even an option he is sure he wants to take. Why do you want to be with a guy who isn't sure he even wants to be with you?

 

We have no intention of turning this into a physical affair.

 

A good deal of people who find themselves in affairs start out thinking this way.

 

I do honestly feel like if we continue the way we are though, that things will turn in my favor because he seems to get more attached to me, as I do to him, by the day now.

 

Well, he isn't exactly cozying up to you behind his girlfriend's back to be your 'friend'. Guys don't seek out a 'friend' in the way you describe it unless they think they can get sex out of the deal eventually. He may get attached, but the longer you condone him having a girlfriend and seeing him on the sly, the longer he will continue to do so for as long as he can get away with it - particularly since he is still with her to the point where he is telling you that he isn't sure he wants to leave her.