KnownTruth Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 When you ended the affair and moved on and back into the dating scene did you tell you new partner that you were involved with a married M/W? How did that person react? Or did you chose not to tell and why? I am not at that stage yet since my affair with MM ended but I have been thinking about the future and what I would do. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I told the guy I am kind of seeing right now. He actually slept with his former best friend's girlfriend a long time ago when they were best friends, so he couldn't really disapprove, but he could relate to what I was going through. He just shrugged his shoulders. I'm sure it will either be okay, or a deal breaker. Depends on the person, their experiences, and their values. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Even if I had KNOWN that my ex was married I still think I have bigger things to worry about a new partner knowing. But hey - if they cant accept any of them then its their problem not mine. Why do you have to tell all anyway. Cant it just be said that that person was your ex? And it didnt work out just like with all other ex's ? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I've never seen any reason to reveal that part of my past to dating partners. It is not something I do anymore, nor would I do in the future - so, I leave it in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 no. it's *MY* history....i choose to share it and if i don't, that's ok too. there's no wrong or right here!! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I've never seen any reason to reveal that part of my past to dating partners. It is not something I do anymore, nor would I do in the future - so, I leave it in the past. How do I "explain" where I have been for the last 4 years?? Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 SD - if you meet a "new" person they wont know you have been anywhere for the past god knows how many years. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 How do I "explain" where I have been for the last 4 years?? I don't know. How would you? What would you say to a new woman who wants to be a part of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 just you had a relationship that didn't work out!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 It's true--the past is the past, and the new guy or girl doesn't have to know what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I don't know. How would you? What would you say to a new woman who wants to be a part of your life? I would want to say that I just lost the love of my life, what I "thought" was my past, present and future... That she was the girl that I shared so much more of myself than I EVER have and that I EVER could.. She was the one who got to see my childhood home, stand on my football field, play golf with me at ALL of my college course, childhood courses, PGA Tour school courses, etc... SHE GOT ALL OF ME.... but hey you, new girl, here is what is left of me... Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) I might get criticized for saying this (as I do for so much ) but I imagine it is "less" a problem for a man to say he was in a relationship with a married woman than for a woman to say she was the OW to some MM. He looks like a "seducteur", the woman more often could look "homewrecker" or "desperate" (while she might have been neither of these things). It is still expected that the woman is to be "won" while the man does the "conquering", hence more leeway for the men. Now, now, now...I know that the betrayed men on and off this forum certainly would see these things in a different light...But I just say this keeping in mind how a new dating partner would react towards a former OM or OW. I think that a woman should keep some mystery. She should not "mislead" someone, trying to be someone she is not, but in terms of past affairs, only the true loves count. In terms of what to say, it would take an extremely mature man to understand if she had been an OW. She should simply say that she was very much in love with someone and it did not end ideally, and that is that. She should not downplay that she had an important relationship in her life. She should avoid, in my opinion, the OW aspect. IN General. Stampdaddy--Be careful about telling a new prospect that so and so was the "love of your life". It means that the new woman will feel any attempt with you to be futile. Your heart is once and for all taken when you make such a declaration (in her mind). And besides, do you really know that she, your exMW, was? Perhaps that new girl is someone you'll meet soon... xo OE Edited March 26, 2008 by OldEurope Link to post Share on other sites
DrIndigo Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 For some time, I went from one MM to another. The question, "have you ever done this before" always came up, and I always answered honestly. I made the mistake of telling a non-married, "regular" boyfriend that I had been an OW in my previous relationship, and he really couldn't handle it. I would therefore, recommend against sharing that detail. If my current relationship does not work out, I think my next one will be a "normal" relationship but I can't imagine that happening very quickly. In that scenario, no good could come from sharing any details about my current relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 For some time, I went from one MM to another. The question, "have you ever done this before" always came up, and I always answered honestly. I've always been honest too - with several on the go simultaneously, it's only fair that participants knew what the situation was. Neither SGs nor MMs had issues with my involvement with MMs. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 When you ended the affair and moved on and back into the dating scene did you tell you new partner that you were involved with a married M/W? How did that person react? Or did you chose not to tell and why? I am not at that stage yet since my affair with MM ended but I have been thinking about the future and what I would do. I was in the affair with my xMW seven years and ended it a few months ago. I was convinced that it would come out one way or another so I thought I would at least experiment with a new girl I started dating. I told her the truth, plain and simple. She is totally OK with it. Her biggest concern is that the xMW might some day yank on the hook and pull me back. But isn't that really just a generic concern over anyone in the rebound stages? I mean regardless of the "x" being married or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Why NOT just tell the truth? I think any girl I date will very likely ASK questions and I'd have to lie or tell the truth! While trying to get the "whatever" to end my 7 ear affair with my xMW, I took several self help studies for single men: - Dating and having game - Moving on - Surviving a long term secret double life One of the common factors that was emphasized was HONESTY! Real men shouldn't have to lie and I'd think the same applies to women. Even if you're dating (as in more than one girl) why lie about it? Just tell the truth! OK, maybe if she asks, "Honey, does my ass look fat in these jeans?" OK, maybe THEN I might lie NO! On second thought, what the heck! If it's fat then why not say, "Yes! Your ass looks fat in those jeans!" Just tell the truth! Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 i don't think it's lying to keep some parts of your past to yourself. some people might never be ready to tell their new SO about the previous relationship, and i feel it might be dangerous if they feel forced, or that they are lying just because they aren't ready, don't feel comfortable or just don't want to. it is u to each individual...history can't be changed, but it can damage the future if the right decision, for that person, isn't made, whatever it might be. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 i don't think it's lying to keep some parts of your past to yourself. some people might never be ready to tell their new SO about the previous relationship, and i feel it might be dangerous if they feel forced, or that they are lying just because they aren't ready, don't feel comfortable or just don't want to. it is u to each individual...history can't be changed, but it can damage the future if the right decision, for that person, isn't made, whatever it might be. But what if you meet a guy you really like, and he really likes you ... and it looks like it might go somewhere ... He will probably ask questions and if you conceal an affair with a married man. you've withheld some substantial truth about yourself. ...history can't be changed, but it can damage the future if the right decision, for that person, isn't made, whatever it might be. By "right decsion", aren't you implying some weighty decsion that he'll deserve the truth about, in order to make the right decision? If he says its a deal breaker, then you must move on. If he says he doesn't care because he likes you and he's OK with it, then you never have to look back. I've "experimented" with telling the truth about my past affair. I really think that noone really cares, as much as they would care that I concealed it. Link to post Share on other sites
Never_Again Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 If I ever get the desire to date someone else again (not likely to happen), that is not something I would really get into unless I saw a potential of marriage in the future. I told my best guy friend, but that's only because I saw no potential for us being together. Most people pretty much know anyway, though. I do have a child with xmm. It's really hard to explain that one.... Link to post Share on other sites
Starla Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 cagney, when i say right decision, i mean whatever is right within that particular relationship. the fact is, the past has happened, not one of us can change it, but what we can change is how we deal with it. i had an affair with a MM, and i may disclose it to future partners, or i may not. i won't conceal it...i may just choose to explain it as a relationship that didn't work out. but one thing i can't do is say that i am definitely going to spill my guts about it - i will have to make my judgment call when the time comes, and do the right thing for everyone - and what will cause the least amount of hurt and damage. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I would want to say that I just lost the love of my life, what I "thought" was my past, present and future... That she was the girl that I shared so much more of myself than I EVER have and that I EVER could.. She was the one who got to see my childhood home, stand on my football field, play golf with me at ALL of my college course, childhood courses, PGA Tour school courses, etc... SHE GOT ALL OF ME.... but hey you, new girl, here is what is left of me... You tell a new girl all that, and she'll run for the door because you are clearly still in love with the 'ex' and there is nothing left for new girl at the moment. You may want to hold off on dating new girls until you do have something to offer other than you're still head over heels for the love of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 If someone came right out and asked me about it, I wouldn't lie but to be honest the question has never come up and I've never asked anyone that question either. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I admit I accused my MM on many occasions in the beginning of having 'done this before' and he acted very innocent. I don't even know if it would have mattered. I tell myself it would have, but in the end I felt our relationship was destined. I don't know if I'll disclose it in the future. Old Europe is right, though; disclosing the fact for a woman comes with all the negative connotations such as home wrecker and gold-digger. But I've told so many friends that it would come out sooner or later anyway. Guess I'll have to buck up. Link to post Share on other sites
DetroitGirl Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I have told others. It seems to be such a common thing for MM to have relationships outside of their M. Mostly I get sympathy (its about time) but I don't believe it to be sincere. It seems as though you have to explain why. I didn't know, so its not my fault. Have you ever intentionally told someone that you dated a MM? I have but only becuase it was to people who knew him. In the end, the whole relationship made me look foolish because everybody else knew he was M, except for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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