dating a seperated married man for 4 months!

[lostlove223]

Ok I met this 27 year old guy in November of 07 he seemed really different from the "normal" guys ive dated. He has his own apartment, vehicle, good job, and temporary custody of his son but the problem is hes married but seperated from his wife at this time only for about 3 months. He was honest and told me up front. We hang out I get to know his son whom buy the way is from a previous relationship not his wifes kid. He gets to know my kids 3 girls and 1 boy which was quite weird because he wanted girls and i wanted a older boy to rough up my son from the torture these girls have put him through. Well any way he tells me she left him while he was at work which was a suprise to him and the reason she gave was because he drank to much and wentout alot(first sign of being unhappily married). First of all they were clearly not compatible because they dont share the same interestd as far as hes a smoker she is not. Hes a big partier she is not. When they first seperated he begged and pleaded to come back for 2 months and she rejected him. Come to find out she went back to her ex whom she dated previously before marring my guy( in my personal opinion i think is why she left in the first place). Ok so now 6 months later me and him really hitted off so I temporarily live with him with all my kids (still keeping my home as well) now she wants him back. He has been pressing the issue to her for them to go ahead and proceed with te divorce, dissolution whatever. She always makes excuses as to how she has to work this or that. Well the last five days she has called him everyday to see how hes doing blah blah blah. At first it dint bother me because I was sure he wasnt going back to her.But I didnt mention after about 2 months in to our relationship she found out he had someone and told him she was ready to be back with him and he told me he was confused and needed time to think so i left his apartment for 3 days. When he turned around and called me back saying he couldnt live without me and wanted us to try again. When the real reason was she never called him again after he broke it off with me. Now she too is involved with someone else whom is married but thats a whole nother chapter. So I went back and we talked he told me he still cares for her but hes not in love with her as well as he couldnt stand being back with her because she slept with this other guy who is the same guy he had beef with before because he abused her. Basically he said it wouldnt be the same because he has trust issues with her now. He tells me hes in love with me andI believe him he doesnt go out and stay out all night anymore, he doesnt have other women calling his phone cause he lets me answer it, I have a key to his home and our sex life is exceptional maybe 3 to 4 times a day since weve met everyday.

My question is she has really taken every block and avenue to get him back like offering to buy him a new truck, money etc. Sometimes I find him talking to her about things she can help him with but i know she will want some"thing" in return. Should I leave him to let them figure out what they are going to do without being a distraction to him? They have plans to go down to get the divorce papers this tuesday coming up which changed because her work schedule changed. I feel like they will never get a divorce and im tired of being caught in the middle if I leave I think hell go back. What should I do?

[Lizzie60]

What - a - mess !!!!

 

I will not read your post a second time.. but I have to say it was hard to understand.. (you should have made more paragraphs) anyway...

 

I just retain the first part.. about the kids..

 

First of all.. 3 months is waaaayyyy too soon to introduce kids to a new bf/gf...

 

WTF.. kids get to know a new person in their parent's life.. then he's gone.. then he's back.. then he/she's full time in their home..

 

This is ridiculous to put kids through this rollercoaster..

 

You could be the 'rebound'....

 

anyway.. my only advice... let him solve his problems with his ex..

 

DO NOT introduce new men in your kids' life unless you are absolutely sure he's Mr. Right (for a while at least).. and that is usually not after 3 months or so...

 

[phoenixgirl]

The first thing you need to keep in mind is that until that divorce is final, he *is* married. He *has* a wife. Legally, you are not his first priority (well, there's his son too, but I meant as a significant other). I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth.

 

I think he needs to work out his issues with her before the two of you can really start a life together. I get that he says he loves you and it appears that their marriage was dysfunctional on a lot of levels - hey, guess what, that was my situation too, and my MM is going back. Your guy has a lot that he'll need to work out in his heart and mind and I think he'll need some personal space in order to work all that out on his own. The best thing you can do is give him that space. A good book to read would be "Surviving My Boyfriend's Divorce" - I've never read it but I heard it's really good. It can give you great insight into what he's dealing with emotionally, and give you tips on how to be there - and not to be there - for him during this difficult time.

 

I hope it works out for you. Ultimately, you just need to do what you feel is best for you - all this is just my personal opinion. Just remember to take care of YOURSELF and remember that you have beautiful, blessed children in your life as well. Good luck and keep us posted!

[lostlove223]

What - a - mess !!!!

 

I will not read your post a second time.. but I have to say it was hard to understand.. (you should have made more paragraphs) anyway...

 

I just retain the first part.. about the kids..

 

First of all.. 3 months is waaaayyyy too soon to introduce kids to a new bf/gf...

 

WTF.. kids get to know a new person in their parent's life.. then he's gone.. then he's back.. then he/she's full time in their home..

 

This is ridiculous to put kids through this rollercoaster..

 

You could be the 'rebound'....

 

anyway.. my only advice... let him solve his problems with his ex..

 

DO NOT introduce new men in your kids' life unless you are absolutely sure he's Mr. Right (for a while at least).. and that is usually not after 3 months or so...

 

yes this is all well and good but the kids kind of keep us together besides our love for each other because together we have a perfect family. My kids dad isnt involved in their life and the same for his son. I think thats why we clicked in the begining.

 

Yes i agree it was way to soon but wed do things like take the kids places like chucky cheese, newport aquarium, etc. Even though the time doesnt seem to be long alot has passed in the time frame. I am exactly what his wife is not in his terms. We share alot of the same interests which they do not as well.

 

Personally I think its just we have great sex and thats keeping us attracted as well as the family life we share. In comparison with his marital sex she is not adventerous and gives him very conservative sex.(BORING)

 

I am persay the mother his son needs and the live in wife he wished he married and vise versa. I dont really feel like the kids are going to be a problem because when i left for 3 days he called to talk to my kids and even picked them up from school which he did before because i work later than him. He claims those days I was gone was really hard for him not to mention hell he hadent had a real meal since I left, lol.

 

I care for him and ive told him i love him but 4 months isnt that long so if we were to fall apart I dont think id be hurt. Id just miss the sex!!!!!

[Lizzie60]

WOW.. how old are you?

 

yes this is all well and good but the kids kind of keep us together

 

Wow.. if you can't hold yourself together ...don't imagine the kids will after 3 months..

 

I am persay the mother his son needs and the live in wife he wished he married and vise versa. I dont really feel like the kids are going to be a problem because when i left for 3 days he called to talk to my kids and even picked them up from school which he did before because i work later than him. He claims those days I was gone was really hard for him not to mention hell he hadent had a real meal since I left, lol.

 

You left 3 days and he had access to your kids.. only after 3 months.. gosh... I would never ever introduce a man to my kids after only 3 months.. and that this man (stranger) can talk and pick up my kids while I'm out of town.. geeeezz.... You don't know this man well enough to trust him with your children.. sorry but no matter what you say on this.. I will never ever agree..

 

I care for him and ive told him i love him but 4 months isnt that long so if we were to fall apart I dont think id be hurt. Id just miss the sex!!!!!

 

WOW.. just WOW... I'm shaking my head...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Should I leave him to let them figure out what they are going to do without being a distraction to him?

 

Yes. You will want to give him plenty of time to work through his divorce. The less involved you are, the better.

[Meranna]

I completely agree with Lizzie on this!

 

1) You don't really know this man and you are leaving your kids alone with him for days at a time. That is just scary.

 

2) Do you realize what this will do to your kids if you break up with this man in the future? You may not love him but your kids will get very attached to him and will be hurt and confused when you tell them they will no longer be able to see him.

 

You say your son needs a male presence in his life, I understand this, after my divorce my ex moved out of state, so my son doesn't have his father around either on a regular basis. HOWEVER, my son gets his "male influence" from other men in my family.........my father, step father, his uncles, my friend's husband, etc.

 

I'm sorry, but you are moving way too fast into this relationship when it comes to your kids. My personal stance on this is to wait at least a year before introducing my kids to anyone I am dating. By then I know if we are going to be serious and I would know what type of person I'm introducing my kids too. Most people put on a great front when they first begin dating, it's not until much later into the relationship do you really see their true colors.

 

Just my opinion, take it how you will.

[whichwayisup]

and temporary custody of his son but the problem is hes married but seperated from his wife at this time only for about 3 months.

 

Sorry, I stopped reading after this...

 

Don't get involved with him, he's freshly separated and obviously isn't ready to get serious..yet you're RIGHT in there. Back off and slow down. His whole life has changed and you cannot and SHOULD NOT expect ANYTHING from him. He needs to focus on his son and get their lives back on track. Poor kid probably needs some TLC and some normalacy again. Don't push your children into his life either. That's just unfair.

[onmyownagain]

I left my wife just under 3 months ago and can tell you that anyone in that position (who didn't leave for someone else) would not be able to have a relationship.

 

You are a rebound, no doubt about it at all. If his wife snaps her fingers you will be gone.

[lostlove223]

WOW.. how old are you?

 

yes this is all well and good but the kids kind of keep us together

 

Wow.. if you can't hold yourself together ...don't imagine the kids will after 3 months..

 

I am persay the mother his son needs and the live in wife he wished he married and vise versa. I dont really feel like the kids are going to be a problem because when i left for 3 days he called to talk to my kids and even picked them up from school which he did before because i work later than him. He claims those days I was gone was really hard for him not to mention hell he hadent had a real meal since I left, lol.

 

You left 3 days and he had access to your kids.. only after 3 months.. gosh... I would never ever introduce a man to my kids after only 3 months.. and that this man (stranger) can talk and pick up my kids while I'm out of town.. geeeezz.... You don't know this man well enough to trust him with your children.. sorry but no matter what you say on this.. I will never ever agree..

 

I care for him and ive told him i love him but 4 months isnt that long so if we were to fall apart I dont think id be hurt. Id just miss the sex!!!!!

 

WOW.. just WOW... I'm shaking my head...

 

First of all sweetheart Im asking for constructive criticism notyou funky stuck up attitude! Secondly you might want to read the post for a second time I never said anything about going out of town and leaving him with my kids and yea i agree 3months was quickly but i seemed to be able to trust him in a way i truste no othr man. Im not saying this is right or wrong and your intitled to your opinion but if you cant trust your mate who can you trust. I dont hae any supportive family to help me with my kids and he was willing to help so who are you to say anything? Im not asking for you to agree with anything I say just asked for an opinion. And another thing I never said i couldnt hold myself together i think Im play my role in this postion pretty good. I dont need him to complete me at all hes just good with my kids all of them. Why are you so bitter anyway?

[imstunned]

I havent read all the replies - I would suggest slowing down a little and really just wanted to add that I am on my own with a little boy, my ex (whom I later discovered to be married and is the reason I'm here) met my son VERY quickly. He arrived early and my son was still up. I dont have the luxury of babysitters and keeping two important men in my life apart proved to be very difficult.

[lostlove223]

Thank you everyone even LIZZIE for your input. I have something new to add to all this crazyness. Today me and my married but seperated man were together at his apartment and guess who shows up at the door?

 

Yes, you guessed it his wife. I answered the door after informing him of who was at the door. She walked in and introduced herself very politely. I was suprised he didnt appear to be the monster he painted her out to be. She showed up with the divorce papers liked she promised. I started to step out the room to give them some time to talk and he stated, "Anything she has to say to me you should be able to hear", and she agreed. I really felt I was being put in a compromising position because this is something they needed to talk about alone with out me influencing a decision either way but remained in the room. She begin to tear up and said here are the papers you asked for, are you sure this is what you want?

 

He replied yes he has moved on with his life and it seems she only want him back because he has found someone else. She agreed maybe I cant stand to see you with anyone else. He replied well you shouldve thought about that before you left me and went back to your ex. I felt sooo bad because you could see the hurt in her eyes and he wasnt falling for it or maybe he was just playing the hard roll because I was there. I felt like i was in a soap opera.

 

He told her he wanted to end this messy marriage and move on with his life. Even if he went back it wouldnt be cause he was in love with her anymore and he wouldnt beable to trust her. He told her he was in love with someone else. She brought up marriage counseling and he refused. He said Im sorry but its over. She cried a little more and left the papers on the coffee table while adding this should be an easy divorce we share nothing: no bank accounts, no cars, no home or assets and thank god no children.

 

As she was going out the door she said good luck in your new relationship! He didnt try to stop her and I really feel like crap! But why do I feel so bad its not like we were messing around while they were together or he even broke it off with her to be with me. She didthis and brought all this on herself. Did she actually think he would be waiting for her forever even thought she had someone else?

 

Well he called her mom and she said that they guy left her and went back to his wife so now she wants to come back to you. He laughed and said so once again she playingme as a rebound. We read the papers and he signed them while contacting his lawyer. What does this mean if anything???? Is he really done???? Im so confused!!!

[whichwayisup]

Out of respect for him and mostly yourself...Back off this relationship, stop having sex with him and let him heal. You say this was a MESSY marriage? Well, he is going to need time before getting very serious with you. One cannot just end a marriage and BOOM! Pop right into another relationship and have it ALL to give.

 

If you like him and want him, just don't push things, take it slowly...Shield your heart because he really is in no position emotionally to be promising you anything. He may 'say' he's ready but I think deep in your heart you know he's not..Which is why you're confused and questioning everything.

[Touche]

I'm sorry I don't understand what you're confused about. He signed the divorce papers, right? So why are you confused about whether he's really "done?"