Bit Off More Than I Could Chew!

[sandpiper]

Hi all. As you can see I am new here. I don't know if this belongs here on the OM/OW page or not. But I didn't feel comfortable anywhere else but here to post this. My story is a bit long and it is a little difficult for me because I am shy about it but I need advice outside of seeing my counselor. I am a married woman of 16 years and I love my husband deeply. I always did. Unfortunately I did not realize just how much until I almost lost him. You see I had an affair with a MM that ended 6 years ago. The affair lasted for 3.5 years. He was a lot older than me and my husband and was married for 35 years when the affair started. We met at work and I had poor judgment at the time unlike now because of age and wisdom and experience. Anyway I was depressed and hurt at the time when I started the affair because I suffered from heavy bleeding and at a young age the doctor told me I needed a hysterectomy. My husband got upset and said no because it wasn't fair to him and he wanted to have a child. He has always been a great and loving husband to me, so I was even more surprised with his reaction. So I stopped seeing my doctor and saw another one for a second opinion and he said the other option was hormones to control my bleeding. I wanted the hysterectomy because I was tired of the heavy bleeding and being anemic all the time and hated the thought of taking hormones but I did it for my husband.

 

Well anyway after a year of being on hormones and depressed I started to get close to my boss and started to have feelings for him. He all of a sudden one day started to be attractive to me where as before I didn't see him that way. I started to flirt with him and he immediately acted on it and before long we were sleeping together. It was easy for me to have an affair with him because my husband worked at night and on the weekends all day and all night at his restaurant. And my boss had no problem being out doing his own thing with his wife at home. I never questioned this but just accepted it. After 10 months of this affair his wife found out and filed for divorce. He told me at the time not to do anything with my husband because he didn't know what he wanted until after his divorce was final. So for 3.5 years we continued to date because I was attached to him, but I also selfishly wanted my husband too and didn't want him to find out, I know it was wrong but I never came clean. This MM promised to move out of the house when the divorce was final and get his own place. After 9 months his divorce was final but he didn't seem to want to leave his house and his wife wanted him to stay there with the arrangement of him paying her rent. I started to see that he never wanted to move out of his wife's house. Finally he did only because she got fed up with him and forced him out.

 

He then got his own place. A really nice apartment. I would ask him why he was not mentioning about me still being married and living with my husband, it didn't seem to bother him, and if he ever wanted me to live with him. He would always reply that he was not ready for me to move in with him and he wasn't ready for me to live with him. Finally I could no longer keep going on with him and living a lie with my husband also so I came clean to my husband. I was scared after because I realized now that my husband knew I could very easily lose him and I did not want to. I really loved him and couldn't see life without him. The affair was because of my own depression and insecurities. My husband was very hurt and upset of course but after a few days of thinking about it I was fortunate, to say the least, that he wanted to stay married because he said he loved me very much but I was to have no contact with the MM ever again. I told the MM that that was it. I came clean to my husband and I cannot and do not want anymore to do with you.

 

Well, then all of a sudden he wanted me badly to live with him. My husband and I moved to another town. I never told him or anybody he knew where I lived and he started to drive by my house at night this went on for awhile, so I finally called him and told him to stop you are scaring me and I will call the police. So he stopped. It has been a couple of years since he's driven by but I still live in fear that he is going to drive by again, maybe kill me or my husband because he stalked me before by driving by all the time. He did not want me to live with him before. He did not want me to leave my husband while he was divorcing. Should I feel guilty like I do sometimes because he is divorced because of our affair and I am not. If it's been 6 years since the affair ended and he hasn't hurt me or my husband, is it safe to say that he most likely won't. I am feeling guilty and paranoid because of this affair. The pain will be with me for a long time. My husband and I have grown stronger since, but I feel shame inside when I think about it and it's hard sometimes even though I never mention it to my husband and he never mentions it to me. He truly has moved on my husband. Thank God. Any Advice. Thank you.

[Lyssa]

xMM probably wanted you back because you told him it was over.

 

Just be glad it's over and that your M is getting stronger. I can see that you're afraid of what xMM might do... maybe you can let your H know that you don't feel safe? Maybe there's something that can be done?

[american-woman]

Its great that you came clean with your husband. Im sure you have nothing to worry about the OM he has probally found someone else are has went back to his xwife.. As for you I hope that you are working on what led to your affair and doing your best to see that you dont cross that line again.

 

Your marriage can be better than before if you are honest and transparent with your husband. Leave the past in the past work on your future with your husband.