I don't get it......

[findmyway]

Ok, so I am sure many of you, like myself, have read tons of threads and done tons of research on your particular situations. For example, my MM is separated, so I looked up alot of material on separations and what usually come of them, how long they last, odds of divorce etc etc. Now, I realize this really is of no good to read all this information because truly each situation is unique and it is impossible to rely on statistics. However, the one thing I overwhelmingly noticed was that when looking up odds of couples getting back together after being separated, the outcomes are typically not good. I read alot where the advice is to not move out of the home if at all possible because the odds of getting back together plummet when someone moves out and that divorce is very likely even if it wasnt the original plan. Then of course, you look at most of our situations where our MM go back home or people on here tell us they are likely to go back home. Why is the information so conflicting??

[phoenixgirl]

Have you read this article?

 

http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/heleft.html

 

It doesn't explain the discrepancy in the information, but it certainly may explain the emotional roller coaster that (some) sMM's (may) go through. This MAY account for some the discrepancy in some way simply because each situation for each MM (and each EMR in general, of course) is so uniquely different. I think that there may be many times that we as OWs don't take into account what MMs are going through when they leave, and what might be going through their heads when they decide to go back.

 

Not that this article is universal - no opinion or even "truth" is - but it may be helpful or interesting to you. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

[findmyway]

wow Phoenix, thanks for the link. That article hit so much on the head of things my MM told me before we went NC. Imparticular the line "he cannot be there for you right now" hit hard. It made me cry. :(He made it clear that he was is no way being mean, but my MM said those exact things to me the last day we communicated- "I cannot be there for you anymore, not right now" Sooooo hard to hear after months and months of him saying he will always be there for me, forever etc etc you know the drill.

[phoenixgirl]

No kidding, I wish I'd found this article MONTHS ago - and not only that, but I wish I'd shared it with MM. I don't know if it would have changed things in the end, if he ultimately would NOT have decided to go back home; there's no point in conjecture once that final decision is made, I guess. But my MM is not big on introspection or psychology and he would never consider therapy... it may have helped him to see his situation down on paper and to realize that he wasn't alone, and what he was thinking and feeling was normal for what he was going through.

 

I don't know. I won't beat myself up about it now because it can't be changed, but you just never know.

Edited March 9, 2008 by phoenixgirl
typo, I hate typos!

[norajane]

I read alot where the advice is to not move out of the home if at all possible because the odds of getting back together plummet when someone moves out and that divorce is very likely even if it wasnt the original plan. Then of course, you look at most of our situations where our MM go back home or people on here tell us they are likely to go back home. Why is the information so conflicting??

Different scenarios = different motivations = different results. I don't know the answer, but I'll make a few guesses:

 

1) People who move out of a troubled marriage without an affair being involved are more action-oriented and decisive to begin with, instead of being fence-sitters.

 

2) People in affairs aren't always so miserable at home that they would leave the marriage if there hadn't been an affair. Leaving the marriage wasn't what they necessarily wanted to begin with. Whereas someone who leaves without the affair is leaving because things really do suck at home and they are at a point where they can't take it anymore.

 

3) People in affairs feel serious guilt when they leave because of the affair, and that guilt (finally) hits them hard when they walk out, as does the reality of what they're doing - leaving a long term spouse and perhaps children.

 

4) People who leave without being in an affair have generally already tried everything else and nothing worked. They tried fixing their problems in the marriage and couldn't. Affair people, however, may not have tried everything, or even tried anything - they have been escaping dealing with the marriage problems by escaping into the affair. So they go back to try MC or whatever to see if things can work out.

 

5) People who leave without being in an affair are doing it for themselves, not because there is another person who is pushing them to leave, or whose happiness is fundamentally tied to them leaving their marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

For those to be guesses, they seem right on the money with some of the things I have read. Personalities also play a part in it. Narcissits for example. Their thought patterns typically run toward what is good for them only, not others. And their perceptions of reality are skewed by how they view themselves. Usually as the victem or the put upon party.

[stampdaddy]

Different scenarios = different motivations = different results. I don't know the answer, but I'll make a few guesses:

 

1) People who move out of a troubled marriage without an affair being involved are more action-oriented and decisive to begin with, instead of being fence-sitters.

 

2) People in affairs aren't always so miserable at home that they would leave the marriage if there hadn't been an affair. Leaving the marriage wasn't what they necessarily wanted to begin with. Whereas someone who leaves without the affair is leaving because things really do suck at home and they are at a point where they can't take it anymore.

 

3) People in affairs feel serious guilt when they leave because of the affair, and that guilt (finally) hits them hard when they walk out, as does the reality of what they're doing - leaving a long term spouse and perhaps children.

 

4) People who leave without being in an affair have generally already tried everything else and nothing worked. They tried fixing their problems in the marriage and couldn't. Affair people, however, may not have tried everything, or even tried anything - they have been escaping dealing with the marriage problems by escaping into the affair. So they go back to try MC or whatever to see if things can work out.

 

5) People who leave without being in an affair are doing it for themselves, not because there is another person who is pushing them to leave, or whose happiness is fundamentally tied to them leaving their marriage.

NJ, this is BRILLIANT... did you ome up with this or is this something you are quoting? Either way, YOU MUST POST THIS TO EVERY MM/MW and OM/OW EVERYDAY....../

[phoenixgirl]

No kidding, Norajane! That list is awesome. I'm gonna have to tag that or something...

[norajane]

NJ, this is BRILLIANT... did you ome up with this or is this something you are quoting? Either way, YOU MUST POST THIS TO EVERY MM/MW and OM/OW EVERYDAY....../

 

I DID come up with it on my own (), and I DO post it, or something like it, almost every day on LS. It's not my fault people aren't always ready to listen...

[stampdaddy]

I DID come up with it on my own (), and I DO post it, or something like it, almost every day on LS. It's not my fault people aren't always ready to listen...

yeah, I bet you ve even quoted it to silly 'ol me...... But I forgot or didnt listen at the time... God Bless YOU:love:

[findmyway]

Thanks NoraJane.... I agree this does make alot of sense. Thanks for the insight!

[MimiMe]

No kidding, I wish I'd found this article MONTHS ago - and not only that, but I wish I'd shared it with MM. I don't know if it would have changed things in the end, if he ultimately would NOT have decided to go back home; there's no point in conjecture once that final decision is made, I guess. But my MM is not big on introspection or psychology and he would never consider therapy... it may have helped him to see his situation down on paper and to realize that he wasn't alone, and what he was thinking and feeling was normal for what he was going through.

 

I don't know. I won't beat myself up about it now because it can't be changed, but you just never know.

 

 

You think and article like this would have made him think differently?

I know that it was put together by someone in the situation, therefore it is a SOLE opinion. Not a research or study that really proves otherwise.

I like the way that it mentions time after time "Love and respect yourself".

If life was really all about you, you wouldnt share a man.

Or is it the other way? if life was all about you, you really dont care what it cost to get what you want?

[MimiMe]

Different scenarios = different motivations = different results. I don't know the answer, but I'll make a few guesses:

 

1) People who move out of a troubled marriage without an affair being involved are more action-oriented and decisive to begin with, instead of being fence-sitters.

 

2) People in affairs aren't always so miserable at home that they would leave the marriage if there hadn't been an affair. Leaving the marriage wasn't what they necessarily wanted to begin with. Whereas someone who leaves without the affair is leaving because things really do suck at home and they are at a point where they can't take it anymore.

 

3) People in affairs feel serious guilt when they leave because of the affair, and that guilt (finally) hits them hard when they walk out, as does the reality of what they're doing - leaving a long term spouse and perhaps children.

 

4) People who leave without being in an affair have generally already tried everything else and nothing worked. They tried fixing their problems in the marriage and couldn't. Affair people, however, may not have tried everything, or even tried anything - they have been escaping dealing with the marriage problems by escaping into the affair. So they go back to try MC or whatever to see if things can work out.

 

5) People who leave without being in an affair are doing it for themselves, not because there is another person who is pushing them to leave, or whose happiness is fundamentally tied to them leaving their marriage.

 

 

I know that some will say... "generalizing blah blah blah" but this is true!!!!

Like I said before- Would he had ended his marriage or walked out without anyone else intruding? Without someone else that perhaps has his/hers interest at hand, encouraging and downloading thoughts into the MM/MW head?

Some OW/OM act like they had absolutely nothing to do with the cookie crumbling...

[GreenEyedLady]

Ok, so I am sure many of you, like myself, have read tons of threads and done tons of research on your particular situations. For example, my MM is separated, so I looked up alot of material on separations and what usually come of them, how long they last, odds of divorce etc etc. Now, I realize this really is of no good to read all this information because truly each situation is unique and it is impossible to rely on statistics. However, the one thing I overwhelmingly noticed was that when looking up odds of couples getting back together after being separated, the outcomes are typically not good. I read alot where the advice is to not move out of the home if at all possible because the odds of getting back together plummet when someone moves out and that divorce is very likely even if it wasnt the original plan. Then of course, you look at most of our situations where our MM go back home or people on here tell us they are likely to go back home. Why is the information so conflicting??

 

My personal take on it is that 3rd parties have a definite affect on our own outlook and can damage our R's without ever meeting us...It changes our mindset and creates a barrier between our partner and ourself...

 

As for the separated and going back...I think the odds are good that they do go back, but they don't end up staying together in the long run most of the time and that is what the research shows...I mean if they were successful, the divorce rate wouldn't be 60%...Obviously many people get divorced...

 

But alot of people will pay lip-service to working on the M and staying married at all costs...

[allbetternow]

yeah, I bet you ve even quoted it to silly 'ol me...... But I forgot or didnt listen at the time... God Bless YOU:love:

 

She did... or something similar. Her posts, similar to Owl's, are among the wisest in this forum. We should all pay close attention to what both of these folks have to say. )