maddoglover Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 So in chatting with my MM yesterday, it occured to me last night that he might only be humoring me with friendly chats in hopes I don't go postal and tell his wife..... Now I said I wanted to be friends more than anything..... More than the sex.... and I do, BUT I don't want a pity friend!!!!!! I don't want him around me if he is only around cause he is scared I will out him.... He should know me better than that by now..... It makes me want to be done with him completely if he thinks that way. (again I don't really know but this is what I suspect).... Oh how hindsight is 20/20...... So, has anyone here stayed friends with the OW/OM in hopes of not pissing them off to the point of blowing the whistle on you?? I want to blow the whistle on him just for thinking that I would blow the whistle.... Has anyones MM/MW tried to stay friends with any of you in hopes of keeping the peace? How did it make you feel? is there another aspect of this I'm not seeing?????? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 That hasn't happened to me but I can see where that would piss you off, it would me! But I still wouldn't say anything, just let it (and him) go if that's whats going on. No sense in being more miserable over him than you already are. He may just not know how to get back to the friendship you once had, you may just need to show him how to act again! Link to post Share on other sites
RollerCoasterGirl Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Not exactly! I wouldn't go so far as to think MM is humoring me so that I wouldn't tell his wife. However, lately I am suspecting that he is humoring me, calling me whenever he can, telling me he is still "thinking" because otherwise I would be "too sad". True. I used to believe everything he said, but lately since he has found OUT that he is making me sad, he feels guilty (because he started it) and responsible. Could this be true in your case? I mean, if you get the feeling he's insincere, you may be right. But instead of the worst motive (he's just afraid you'll talk to the wife) could he just be worried about you getting upset? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 So, has anyone here stayed friends with the OW/OM in hopes of not pissing them off to the point of blowing the whistle on you?? Usually when MM/MW go back home to be with their spouse again, the OW/OM aren't part of the picture anymore. Not because MM/MW doesn't want to be, but if they want their marriage to work and to start over again, the OW/OM can't be in their lives. Also, I'm sure you know by now, it's impossible to be "just" friends with someone you've been intimate with, let alone have an affair with.. You two aren't platonic friends anymore and never will be again.. I want to blow the whistle on him just for thinking that I would blow the whistle.... I hope you're joking. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Usually when MM/MW go back home to be with their spouse again, the OW/OM aren't part of the picture anymore. Not because MM/MW doesn't want to be, but if they want their marriage to work and to start over again, the OW/OM can't be in their lives. Also, I'm sure you know by now, it's impossible to be "just" friends with someone you've been intimate with, let alone have an affair with.. You two aren't platonic friends anymore and never will be again.. I hope you're joking. Agreeing w/ wwiu Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 There was one guy I was nice to for much longer than I could stand because of that. I wasn't at all sure what he would say or do in retaliation for me walking away. It was a highly sexual affair, and after a few months I decided to end it because I was 'done' so to speak. He had started in with the "I have feelings for you" stuff and I just didn't want any part of that. He wanted to be friends, insisted on it. We weren't really friends to begin with - before the affair started it was always about sexual innuendo and flirting rather than any genuine friendship. I wasn't interested in genuine friendship at all. I wanted to walk away and never have to talk to him again. To be perfectly honest, I hated having to pretend that we were friends. I would dread it when he talked to me, or called me. But... he was volatile, unpredictable. I just continued to placate him until he moved far away, and I was very happy to have that behind me. In terms of being friends - you will want to think very carefully if what you had was genuine friendship, or if it was something more along the lines of sexual innuendo and flirting (a means to an end rather than an actual friendship). If he was not interested in being genuine friends then he won't be now, particularly since the 'ends' have already been met and with near disastrous consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddoglover Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 whichway - I was joking about blowing the whistle..... I would never do that to him..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddoglover Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 LB - we were genuine friends before all of the physical things started up..... but I think I am begining to see the sun a little bit... Squinting my eyes... I don't want to look at it... but I think it is starting to peak out.... just a smidge...... Oh the webs we weave..... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 Did you and MM get back together? I saw you found another place that might be more encouraging of your situation. Just know this - all the 'you go girls' and the handclaps and the encouragement to continue your affair won't change what your MM did to you, or how he will continue to treat you. He gave you the old "I'm separated but living with my wife" line. He told you he only wanted FWB. He coldly ditched you when you told him you might be pregnant. Falling in love with him won't change any of that. Nor will finding people who will help you enable this situation by encouraging it. You want to be with him, though so I guess if you can understand and accept that FWB = using you for sex as long as it is convenient you'll be ok. Please be careful with BC this time. He outright ditched you when he thought you were pregnant. If you are feeling heartbroken now, that will be nothing compared to how brutally you will get it broken if you do end up pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddoglover Posted March 11, 2008 Author Share Posted March 11, 2008 LB, yes I did find another place to go to.... And it's not that I am looking for people to encourage me, I'm just looking for people that understand what I am going through. Without giving TMI, all I am capable of giving is FWB..... I may want more, but I'm not capable of giving more or handling more given to me.... As far as the fight over the preggers thing.... He had a right to be pissed... Not because of the situation, but because I was too scared to take the test by myself. I wanted to wait till his day off and have him come over and be there when I took it... He got mad and told me there was no reason to wait for another 4 days of worrying, when I could piss on a stick and put both our worries to rest.... Emotions were running really high at that time.... And I guess I am using him for sex also.... And yes we did sleep together again the other night.... the night after I posted this.... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 He had a right to be pissed... Not because of the situation, but because I was too scared to take the test by myself. I wanted to wait till his day off and have him come over and be there when I took it... He got mad and told me there was no reason to wait for another 4 days of worrying, when I could piss on a stick and put both our worries to rest.... :mad::mad::mad: This makes me sad and angry for you. He helped get you in that situation, he can damn well be there for support as well. He does not have a right to be pissed. None. I hope that he did not convince you of that. If he would get mad when you are scared, alone and unsure then imagine how that will hurt tenfold when you make the mistake of falling for him. Where will he be when you need him? When you are crying and alone? Will he get all pissed off at you and tell you that its your fault for falling in love? I'm sorry, Maddog, I'm not trying to bash you but your MM sounds like a selfish, insensitive jackass who is only in this as long as he can manage to do it conveniently and with a minimum of trouble for him. If men had to sweat out a pregnancy test, faced with all that a test like that implies and have to sit there terrified and alone, and on top of that have to deal with assh*les like himself getting pissed off about it, then you would see a lot more men being careful about pregnancy. There's be a male pill on the market, like yesterday. Please be careful, in more ways than one. I know it is already too late in some ways - the heart goes where it wants, but preserve a part of your heart and keep it where he can't get to it. You will need that part later to draw strength from. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 As for the other place, it can be hard to fit in there at first. There are all sorts there - some enablers there, some not so helpful people there, and there are some truly helpful people there who have some valuable advice, but the very nature of the place makes them suspicious of trolls, etc. You may not get a lot of feedback at first, but give it some time. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 I think I have done what you're referring to Maddog, although it was more like, to be careful to let things sort of die off peacefully and drift apart as opposed to having some kind of blowout where they would want "revenge". TBH though, for whatever reason, I am under the impression that guys are more likely to just go on their way without blowing the whistle than women are Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddoglover Posted March 11, 2008 Author Share Posted March 11, 2008 LB- Wow.... I feel the need to defend him.... Lol... I know huh... But because of our work schedules, his life, and mine, it wasn't possible to be there with me any sooner than his next day off.... I would rather not post it on this site though so I think I will post it else where.... look for me there..... Link to post Share on other sites
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