do not listen to their excuses

[It_Hurts]

I have previously posted on this forum and have been through many ups and downs in the last couple of months. But looking back on my situation, I would like to share some insight.

 

From the very beginning of our (sort of) affair he told me he was going to leave his wife. He would not give me a timescale but he left within a couple of months. He never told me that he HAD to stay in his marriage because of: The Children, Finances, He loved his wife, The years they had built together or gave me any other excuse or reason why he couldn't leave her and be with me. He did love me more than enough to do whatever it took for us to be together.

 

Since leaving she has stopped him seeing his children, told him he will be financially ruined, she loves him and wants him back, she hates him and will never forgive him. He constantly receives abuse and threats from her and so do I.

 

He has told her he will never be back and wants a divorce as soon as possible.

 

The questions that people ask on this forum are "Will he go back to his wife". My answer is...."Does it really matter?" I love my man with all my heart and he loves me. From the moment we saw each other 4 years ago, we wanted to be together but never confessed anything until 4 months ago.

 

Just like any relationship, I could meet someone else, so could he, he could go back to his wife, I could go back to my ex. Lots of things could happen, we do not know the future. We are happy today and tomorrow will bring what it brings.

 

When I started to read threads here, I really thought my MM was different, then I decided he was just the same as all the other MM on the planet having affairs. Boy, was I shocked when he left. If you are the OW please, please do not listen to any excuses why he has to stay with his wife, he is there because he wants to be there. If he wanted to be with you HE WOULD BE....

[trifecta]

could I make any sense of this-surely I cannot be the only one?

[OWoman]

I have previously posted on this forum and have been through many ups and downs in the last couple of months. But looking back on my situation, I would like to share some insight.

 

From the very beginning of our (sort of) affair he told me he was going to leave his wife. He would not give me a timescale but he left within a couple of months. He never told me that he HAD to stay in his marriage because of: The Children, Finances, He loved his wife, The years they had built together or gave me any other excuse or reason why he couldn't leave her and be with me. He did love me more than enough to do whatever it took for us to be together.

 

Since leaving she has stopped him seeing his children, told him he will be financially ruined, she loves him and wants him back, she hates him and will never forgive him. He constantly receives abuse and threats from her and so do I.

 

He has told her he will never be back and wants a divorce as soon as possible.

 

The questions that people ask on this forum are "Will he go back to his wife". My answer is...."Does it really matter?" I love my man with all my heart and he loves me. From the moment we saw each other 4 years ago, we wanted to be together but never confessed anything until 4 months ago.

 

Just like any relationship, I could meet someone else, so could he, he could go back to his wife, I could go back to my ex. Lots of things could happen, we do not know the future. We are happy today and tomorrow will bring what it brings.

 

When I started to read threads here, I really thought my MM was different, then I decided he was just the same as all the other MM on the planet having affairs. Boy, was I shocked when he left. If you are the OW please, please do not listen to any excuses why he has to stay with his wife, he is there because he wants to be there. If he wanted to be with you HE WOULD BE....

 

IH there seems to be a contradiction here - your MM never gave you excuses, and he left.

 

Yet, exactly those "excuses" that some MM give their OW - that she will prevent him seeing the children, that he will suffer financially, etc - have happened (the paragraph I've italicised, above).

 

So... what you're saying is, believe the "excuses", there may be grounds for those as this does happen... but don't listen to the excuses because if he wanted to be with you, he would.

 

If the "excuses" are grounded, and there is at least a reasonable chance that his contact with his kids would be prevented, the kind of MM that chooses to be with his OW is choosing not to be an involved parent. There probably are MMs out there that would choose their OWs above their kids. I'm not sure that those OWs would want to be with an OM that they knew was happy to abandon his own spawn though - it may raise questions in their own mind about how reliable he is as a provider should they wish to have a family with him, or how deep his love is for those he claims to care about (his own kids) if he can walk away from them that easily, or how easily he foregrounds his own happiness over that of others he claims to love. All of which might lead them to question if this is, in fact, the kind of man they want to spend their lives with.

 

That might sound a bit "damned if you do, damned if you don't", but what some OW might see as an affirming choice for them overriding even the magnitude of the MM's love for his kids, others may see as an MM whose love is as shallow as a teardrop rolling off a duck's back and whose commitment to what he starts is as ephemeral as a summer rainbow. Most OWs, I suspect, seek the assurance that their MM is at heart a good guy, who loves his kids and takes care of his family, and would love them (the OW) and take care of them in that same lasting way, once he manages to overcome the constraints of the situation.

[Jess-Belle]

Most OWs, I suspect, seek the assurance that their MM is at heart a good guy, who loves his kids and takes care of his family, and would love them (the OW) and take care of them in that same lasting way, once he manages to overcome the constraints of the situation.

 

And that's precisely the kind of mentality that allows the MM to string OW along for years, only for the A to end the vast majority of the time.

 

When, oh when, will people stop enabling cheaters? *waits for hell to freeze over*

[It_Hurts]

And that's precisely the kind of mentality that allows the MM to string OW along for years, only for the A to end the vast majority of the time.

 

When, oh when, will people stop enabling cheaters? *waits for hell to freeze over*

 

Thank you JB for understanding EXACTLY where I am coming from.

 

OW he is not a heartless guy that has given up on his children. Maybe I have left out too many details to make my point. Before he left, he really believed his marriage was over, he has been telling me this for 4 years when we were friends. I thought, maybe he is just saying things to have an affair with me. I did listen to his problems but I did not enter an affair with him.

 

Yes, she has stopped him seeing his children, to me that is the most evil act a woman can do, to both her children and their father. She told him, she would do this if he left. What is a man to do? Stay with their wife because she has the ultimate power with the kids? Of course, he loves his children, he has not chosen me over them.

 

He has since seen a lawyer and told her she can't do this anymore, it will be sorted, as will the finances and so will the other problems that come with divorce.

 

If any OW wishes to feel sorry for their MM and their hopeless situation and believe all the reasons why they MUST stay with their WIFE - on your head be it. If the marriage is really that bad and the wife is such a horrible creature, why would they stay? My MM didn't.

[OWoman]

OW he is not a heartless guy that has given up on his children.

 

sorry IH I wasn't meaning to imply that YOUR MM was heartless - I was just pointing out that by saying:

 

Yes, she has stopped him seeing his children, to me that is the most evil act a woman can do, to both her children and their father.

 

your post was feeding into that fear that MM have that if they do leave, they will be kept away from their kids - and thus adding weight to the belief that some OW may have that he's "staying for the kids" (since in your MM's case, what those MMs may most fear did come true). Which, I felt, was undermining the thrust of your post which was "if he loved you enough, he'd leave - the excuses are just cattledung".

 

By saying that leaving DID cost him his kids, you're saying that the excuses are NOT just cattledung - and that perhaps the OW ought to pay them heed rather than disregard them. Which can be seen as contradicting the other bit.

 

'S all. I really wasn't meaning to comment on your MM's character - I applaud him for having the balls to leave, and am sorry he's being treated so badly by his BW. Apologies if it came through differently.

[It_Hurts]

I am sorry I sounded so contradictory. I understand where you are coming from and thanks for explaining.

 

I DO believe that all the excuses and reasons for a MM not leaving are cattledung. If he wanted to leave, he would end of story. Of course he will suffer for a while but better than suffering for the rest of his days within a marriage that was destroying him, his kids and probably his wife.

 

Yes, some of his fears did come true. But they will be sorted. She can't take all his finances, she can't refuse him access to the children, infact she can't do anything which is against the law of the land.

 

We all have to overcome problems everyday and deal with what life throws at us. If a man stays in his marriage because he doesn't want to deal with any additional problems that life (or his wife) may throw at him, the OW must accept, that is what she will be forever.

[OWoman]

Of course he will suffer for a while but better than suffering for the rest of his days within a marriage that was destroying him, his kids and probably his wife.

 

I SO agree with that! But some people seem to feel they have no right to happiness, that they're obliged to make others happy before themselves, even at deep and lasting cost to themselves. (And because of that, indirectly to others.)

 

Yes, some of his fears did come true. But they will be sorted. She can't take all his finances, she can't refuse him access to the children, infact she can't do anything which is against the law of the land.

 

I think that is very important to remember. BWs may make threats, and even carry them out, but ultimately everyone is protected by the law, and the rights of children in these situations are paramount and most courts look to protect the children's interests before the adults. BWs can't just use their kids as weapons of war against their CHs, the children's interests take precedence over the BW's hurt feelings.

 

If a man stays in his marriage because he doesn't want to deal with any additional problems that life (or his wife) may throw at him, the OW must accept, that is what she will be forever.

 

For some, it may be enough. And for others, enough of a wake-up call to move on.