Rlehouse Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Have any of you been in this situation? My MM wife found out about us last May and they separated briefly all while we continued our A. He returned home, with the intention that our R was over...However...its now February and we are still in our R. He has no plans to get a divorce from her, and we have discussed what happens when another D-Day comes about..Surely its ineveitable. Any thoughts? Have you continued as OW/OM after D-Day? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 This guy is a scumbag, how can you sitthere and accept her sloppy seconds and her vice versa??? And any self respecting woman would not be this man's mistress? Why are you putting yourself in this situation. Why dont you tell the wife the truth and leave this man alone. Arent you in control with your own emotions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rlehouse Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 Very good points...I ask myself those questions myself. I won't tell her a thing...She knows, I'm sure...She just hasn't confirmed it yet. I don't know wtf I'm still doing in this situation...I really don't. I love him of course, but I do know that I'm not getting what I want nor deserve. I keep letting myself get sucked back into it. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I've read plenty of stories of women who continue their affairs w/MM after Dday. Some after multiple Ddays. MM will continue the affair for as long as he can continue to lie and gaslight his way through Ddays. The only time he stops is if he gets bored with the affair, or finds that he can't get away with it anymore, or his OW gets tired of being OW and walks away. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I don't know wtf I'm still doing in this situation...I really don't. I love him of course, but I do know that I'm not getting what I want nor deserve. I keep letting myself get sucked back into it. Just keep in mind that you are with a man who when faced with an opportunity to be with you fully instead chose to continue staying married and keeping you as OW. He didn't choose you. He choose to continue having an affair with you. Not the same at all. Which do you want? Do you want him to choose you, or do you want him to continue seeing you as OW? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Just keep in mind that you are with a man who when faced with an opportunity to be with you fully instead chose to continue staying married and keeping you as OW. He didn't choose you. He choose to continue having an affair with you. Not the same at all. Which do you want? Do you want him to choose you, or do you want him to continue seeing you as OW? And, if there is another D-Day, chances are, his wife will kick him out. So, he may run straight into your arms (not by choice, but by FORCE, big difference) and even then his world crashing down, emotions all over the place, he could still go back to his wife once the dust settles...It's a real crap shoot. But, if you're willing to stick it out, waste your life, go for it. If you want to know how he feels about you and your future, not just to be the OW in his life, let him go. See what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rlehouse Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 I do want him to choose me..Yeah, I do. We had talked and talked before D-Day that he was going to separate from her and see what happens. But, then she found out, and the threats of taking him to the cleaners, and taking the kids all started and he got scared. I understood that..but we live in Indiana...Its a no fault divorce state. She couldn't do anything to him really other than get what is fair in the courts eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 So, he actually DID have a choice. If he really wanted OUT of the marriage, he would do it. He hasn't and he won't. Chances are, once that D-Day happened, alot was talked about and remember, what he tells you is different than what actually has happened between him and his wife. Don't fool yourself into believing that he is telling his wife that you were the one chasing him, that you mean nothing and that he does love her...Then, he comes back to you because you let him back in, and the A continues. A man who has TWO women to meet all his needs. HE will continue to do enjoy it as long as it lasts... Why not completely go no contact and tell him to provide you with divorce papers when the deed is done. THEN you two can have a relationship. Right now, you are enabling him to do nothing when it comes to you, except keep you on as the OW. Nothing more, nothing less. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I do want him to choose me..Yeah, I do. We had talked and talked before D-Day that he was going to separate from her and see what happens. But, then she found out, and the threats of taking him to the cleaners, and taking the kids all started and he got scared. I understood that..but we live in Indiana...Its a no fault divorce state. She couldn't do anything to him really other than get what is fair in the courts eyes. Doesnt matter. No fault or not no fault. The kids would learn the fathers a scumbag by the way he treats his wife and their mother. And destroys his family with such a destructive affair. If you were in her shoes do you really think you would settle for anything less than leaving him destitute. Your the mistress in his eyes let's be real. Stop being in denial about it. Why not just leave him alone clearly he isnt trustworthy, is that a man you could love. And what happens when he's finally with you and he get's unhappy again and sleep with someone else? Then what? Some married men are scumbags and your are enabling it by being an accomplice to that fact. He aint worth it!!!! Wake up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rlehouse Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 When it D-day happened, wife and I did speak. I know he was lying to her, but I told her the truth. I hear all of you loud and clear. And youre all right. Its me, that needs to end this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 What truth was that? That you loved him? Or that the A was a mistake and that you were sorry? That he chased you? That he loves you and wants to end his marriage so you two can be together? That now she knows the A is over and you won't contact him again? BOTH of you are lying to her now. If she believes the A is over, then D-Day meant nothing as the A is still ongoing. I hope you do find the strength to end it and tell him to leave you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rlehouse Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 Which-- When she confronted me while we were out one night, she asked me all the ?s about how long, when we met, were we intimate, had I been around the kids, at their house, does he love me, pretty much everything she asked him, and he hadn't answered straight. He was pretty pissed at me for telling her everything, but I just said that she deserved to know the truth b/c its her decision to make as well what happens with their marriage. He wanted to end things with me when that happened b/c he felt like I betrayed him, and was hurt...Right...But then he still kept calling and texting me, and coming around even during all of this mess. And still reconciling with her...So, I let him. Figured I'd let him hang himself again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 But by letting him hang himself, you are allowing HIM control again. Over you, over the affair. You want to hang him? Then END IT now. Unless you are hoping he'll get busted again and she'll throw him out, so he'll have no choice but to come to you. Is that what you want? Remember this guy is continually lying now and it won't stop until YOU stop it. You are not married to him, you have no real committment to him, no kids, no house with him, no expenses, no families entwined together and no long term history with him. THIS is why his wife is giving him another chance, that and I'm sure she loves him, rightfully so as he is her husband. Do some thinking, alone. Don't contact him for a while. Let him contact you, but tell him you're too busy to see him or talk to him, though let him know that you ARE indeed thinking about what to do because you staying in the A is only going to hurt you later. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Have any of you been in this situation? My MM wife found out about us last May and they separated briefly all while we continued our A. He returned home, with the intention that our R was over...However...its now February and we are still in our R. He has no plans to get a divorce from her, and we have discussed what happens when another D-Day comes about..Surely its ineveitable. Any thoughts? Have you continued as OW/OM after D-Day? My goodness! This mm is beign very selfish and you are allowing him to by beign his side dish! His main course is at home.. and that's the way is shall stay! The sooner you open your eye's up to this..the better. No good will come from this...I think you should try and move on. Good luck. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Which-- When she confronted me while we were out one night, she asked me all the ?s about how long, when we met, were we intimate, had I been around the kids, at their house, does he love me, pretty much everything she asked him, and he hadn't answered straight. He was pretty pissed at me for telling her everything, but I just said that she deserved to know the truth b/c its her decision to make as well what happens with their marriage. He wanted to end things with me when that happened b/c he felt like I betrayed him, and was hurt...Right...But then he still kept calling and texting me, and coming around even during all of this mess. And still reconciling with her...So, I let him. Figured I'd let him hang himself again. But don't you see? You're hanging yourself. By telling her the answers she needed to know and then continuing lying to her by continuing the relationship it makes your first conversation with her null and void. And if you DO get discovered again all he needs to say is "See? She gives you answers and then continues the affair? Who is lying to you - your loving husband or another woman who is obsessed by me and will say anything to keep me in a relationship with her?" Be careful, he returned once which implies he will do anything to save his marriage. Dont fall into the trap that he's continuing your relationship because this time if he is discovered he will choose you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Earlier, you said: He was pretty pissed at me for telling her everything, but I just said that she deserved to know the truth b/c its her decision to make as well what happens with their marriage. ...which I thought was pretty honorable, all things considered. But then later, once the affair continued, you say: Very good points...I ask myself those questions myself. I won't tell her a thing...She knows, I'm sure...She just hasn't confirmed it yet. Doesn't she still "deserve to know the trugh b/c its her decision to make as well what happens with their marriage?" Has your opinion of him changed? At first, did it seem like he was just hiding something, but now that you see him actively deceiving her (in the face of knowing that she is in agony and would want to know the truth...) does he seem like a different person to you? Has that changed the dynamic of your relationship any? Has it made you question whether you would really want him to choose you? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 People usually have multiple D-Day's ... its hard to break away from the addition to the contact, texting, call, etc. It will take much effort to break away completely. He's going to probably stay at home, sorry to tell you, his kids are there, his financial security, all that. You might as well prepare for the worse. I know that's not what you want to hear, no one wants to be 2nd, but it's true. He keeps the affair going because he no doubt has feelings for you and it's hard to break up! At any stage in life. The best course is NC. You're going to tire of all those D-Days and it's hard on the heart. Good luck to you. I've been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 He wanted to end things with me when that happened b/c he felt like I betrayed him, and was hurt...Wow, what a complete hypocrite. He's all "hurt and upset" at being betrayed, yet he thinks it's just fine to do to his wife - over and over and over. Yeah, this guy's quite the prize. I think most of the guys in your city jail's drunk tank have more integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts