ladybug63 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 MM came over for Christmas. I did receive several gifts. We were conversating normally when he asked "now are you going to tell me who's your boo"? I responded that is not of essence, let it go. you said it is not important,you just wanted to know so just let it go. He again said I just asked a question. I said for the most part of this whole situation we are just friends so it really shouldn't matter. He's at the point now where he just pop up at my house without letting me know he's coming. He came back over the day after Christmas. I've told him I have moved on. I guess he's in denial. Some may ask why do you let him come by? Because I don't feel threatened by him. I assume he won't become beligerant because my guess is he would have too much to loose as a result of that. So therefore I still allow contact with him. In other words if he calls we talk but as far as me contacting him I don't do that. I also told him that I believe we have both given each other all we could as far as the a goes there's nothing left. Remember this is the m that said it was over and we should be friends. I guess he thought that I would sit around and wait for him but it just didn't turn out that way. I am trying to decide should I tell SG about mm? I didn't think I needed too because we had agreed to end the a but now I am not so sure. Any suggestions concerning this situation on how to handle this? Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 LadyBug, hi, I feel that the best thing for you would be to end this 'friendship' with MM. It is not fair on you that he turns up at your place unannounced, especially as you are now seeing SG. I tried the 'just friends' thing with my MM after we ended but I really don't think it can be done when one party still has feelings for the other. As for telling SG, if the R with MM is truly over as you say then he has no reason to know. I started seeing a SG last year who I am still with. I had no intention in telling him but he found out anyway. Of course, if the question 'Have you ever been out with a MM?' come up then I would have admitted it but I didn't see that it was any of his business. Your part Rs are none of your SGs business just as his are none of yours. Be honest - are you hanging onto the friendship with MM in the hope that you will get back together? I know I was, which is why I ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug63 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Share Posted December 29, 2007 LadyBug, hi, I feel that the best thing for you would be to end this 'friendship' with MM. It is not fair on you that he turns up at your place unannounced, especially as you are now seeing SG. I tried the 'just friends' thing with my MM after we ended but I really don't think it can be done when one party still has feelings for the other. As for telling SG, if the R with MM is truly over as you say then he has no reason to know. I started seeing a SG last year who I am still with. I had no intention in telling him but he found out anyway. Of course, if the question 'Have you ever been out with a MM?' come up then I would have admitted it but I didn't see that it was any of his business. Your part Rs are none of your SGs business just as his are none of yours. Be honest - are you hanging onto the friendship with MM in the hope that you will get back together? I know I was, which is why I ask. No because if I wanted to get back with him I don't think it would be an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2007 Share Posted December 29, 2007 Ask yourself this...If the SG had very recent ex girlfriend that he still loved deeply and they were still friends, she popped by his place unannounced, would it bother you? Make you feel jealous or maybe wonder if he still wanted her? You say you can handle the friendship with the exMM, but when it comes down to it, he still is very much on your mind, more than casually. For the sake of your newfound relationship you should think about distancing yourself from the exMM. He's going to hold you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug63 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Share Posted December 29, 2007 Ask yourself this...If the SG had very recent ex girlfriend that he still loved deeply and they were still friends, she popped by his place unannounced, would it bother you? Make you feel jealous or maybe wonder if he still wanted her? You say you can handle the friendship with the exMM, but when it comes down to it, he still is very much on your mind, more than casually. For the sake of your newfound relationship you should think about distancing yourself from the exMM. He's going to hold you back. WWIU, I have told the mm that I have moved on and I truly have maybe the worst thing to have done was to maintain a friendship with him, but I really enjoy and like the SG. But what I am saying is since I have informed the mm of my moving on now he is just doing these things out of the norm. You are absolutely correct when you say mm will hold me back, but that is only if I allow that to happen. By all means necessary should I have to tell sg about mm then I will not withhold the truth from him about mm. I don't have anything to hide. So as far as distancing myself from mm, I honestly will work on that because I do not want to mess up with the sg not so soon. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2007 Share Posted December 29, 2007 Start off by telling exMM that he can't do drop by's and surprise visits anymore. That is a no-no. The other thing is, make sure the exMM isn't a part of your daily life as in knowing all that is going on in your life. Detaching yourself to care less, and not have him on your mind during the day. I mean, do you still think about exMM in the mornings, or late at night? As of now I don't think you need to tell SG anything, but if you choose to have exMM as a friend, it will be an issue once your feelings and SG's feelings grow and the relationship progresses...But then again, hopefully by then you won't feel the need to have exMM in your life, even as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug63 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Share Posted December 29, 2007 Start off by telling exMM that he can't do drop by's and surprise visits anymore. That is a no-no. The other thing is, make sure the exMM isn't a part of your daily life as in knowing all that is going on in your life. Detaching yourself to care less, and not have him on your mind during the day. I mean, do you still think about exMM in the mornings, or late at night? As of now I don't think you need to tell SG anything, but if you choose to have exMM as a friend, it will be an issue once your feelings and SG's feelings grow and the relationship progresses...But then again, hopefully by then you won't feel the need to have exMM in your life, even as a friend. I would have to say I the only time I think of him is when c is made by him other than that he's not priority. I know the best way to get over someone is to have nc with them and for me it isn't difficult again he c's me. I have already told mm about the popups he said he been doing it. But that is when we were in the a.It is no longer acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 No because if I wanted to get back with him I don't think it would be an issue. Apologies, I phrased that wrongly. What I meant was "...in the hope that he will leave his W for you?" I wouldn't have taken my exMM back to be just his 'bit on the side'. Deep down I hoped that if we stayed friends he would know I was still around if he DID decide to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I would have to say I the only time I think of him is when c is made by him other than that he's not priority. I know the best way to get over someone is to have nc with them and for me it isn't difficult again he c's me. I have already told mm about the popups he said he been doing it. But that is when we were in the a.It is no longer acceptable. Sorry - just read this. I guess if you're not thinking about him unless he contacts you then you don't really want him. I understand now. In this case, if you really do like SG and have no romantic feelings for MM, WWIU is right. It is good that you don't make contact with him but you need to ignore any contact he makes with you now (as much as you can anyway). Tell him you will have to get a court order out on him if he keeps 'harrassing' you! Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 MM came over for Christmas. I did receive several gifts. We were conversating normally when he asked "now are you going to tell me who's your boo"? I responded that is not of essence, let it go. you said it is not important,you just wanted to know so just let it go. He again said I just asked a question. I said for the most part of this whole situation we are just friends so it really shouldn't matter. He's at the point now where he just pop up at my house without letting me know he's coming. He came back over the day after Christmas. I've told him I have moved on. I guess he's in denial. Some may ask why do you let him come by? Because I don't feel threatened by him. So you accepted several gifts from him, and he comes round when he likes, unannounced, and you allow that, but you never make contact with him? Well, in three and a half years I was never the one to generally initiate contact with MM: he did all the calling and emailing and I only ever responded to his contact. That was because he was the married one and him calling me made more sense to me from the 'not having a d-day' angle, not because we weren't having an affair! If you're accepting gifts and letting him come round whenever he likes, and call you to chat whenever he likes, how can you say he's in denial about what's going on..? I mean, you're still very much involved with him really, or giving him every indication that you are, by 'allowing' him to continue as he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 If you're accepting gifts and letting him come round whenever he likes, and call you to chat whenever he likes, how can you say he's in denial about what's going on..? This is an excellent point. I mean, you accepting his gifts, your actions by allowing him in your home unvited, gives him the impression that you are okay with him, possibly leaving the door open a crack for the A to continue at some point in the future. Maybe think about returning the gifts with a note attached letting him know that you can't accept them, and it would be best for him not to come around anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug63 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Share Posted December 30, 2007 Apologies, I phrased that wrongly. What I meant was "...in the hope that he will leave his W for you?" I wouldn't have taken my exMM back to be just his 'bit on the side'. Deep down I hoped that if we stayed friends he would know I was still around if he DID decide to leave. To be totally honest PP I probably would not have wanted him if he left the w. Getting involved with the mm was never predicated on him leaving the w for me. I think at that appointed time he was convenient for that moment. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 To be totally honest PP I probably would not have wanted him if he left the w. Getting involved with the mm was never predicated on him leaving the w for me. I think at that appointed time he was convenient for that moment. Just catching up. Any further developments? Well, seems like your MM is definitely in denial. I suppose he can't deal with the fact that you've had your fun and moved on before him! I think just tell him straight that you are happy to be his 'friend' (if that's what you want) but that you are now in a R with someone else and it isn't appropriate for him to just drop by unannounced. You may be wise to let you new man know the score just in case. It would be worse for him if HE turned up at your place to discover your exMM there. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
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