How to end it with MM???

[KnownTruth]

I have been seriously thinking it's time to end things with MM. I have been going back and forth with it in my mind. I really do love MM and he says he is in love with me as well. He wants to be with me and marry me one day. I am the one that he wants. We have been friends for several years and I have met his W a few times.

 

I feel like the whole situation is going nowhere. He has not come any closer to ending anything with his wife. He has said months ago that he has to work out the money stuff, the children, property, and all that good stuff.

 

His W found out that MM loves me when she saw a email that he wrote to me. It got her really angry, because MM never says it to her. They discussed their marriage and that he did not love her anymore and never did. Their wedding was basically a shotgun wedding. Now she is pretending and being oblivious to anything going on around her. MM and W don't talk and work different shifts so that helps. I don't know if it is her way of dealing with it all , by tuning reality out.

 

Well that comes to my question. I'm getting tired of being this third wheel and angry that MM has taken no action and being a cake eater. I want to be able to live my life and have a family and children in the future. I don't want to be waiting around for a man to decide if and when he should leave his wife.

How do you end a Affair with MM if you are still in love with him? Best to tell him on the phone or send a email letter? How do you handle NC? How do you stop yourself from going back? Any insight on anyone who has ended a affair would be really helpful. Thank you.

[OWoman]

I have been seriously thinking it's time to end things with MM.

 

KT - you're still in love with him, and he says he loves you. Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling - that you're wanting to break things off because you're seeing no / insufficient movement on his side? Has he promised any changes as a result, or committed to time frames that you could live with?

 

I think you should discuss it with him, and see if there is a plan of action you could agree to being together. If the timeframes are too long, or not feasible, it will be easier for you to walk away from than having the doubt in the back of your mind that perhaps things might have been different.

[frannie]

I really do love MM and he says he is in love with me as well. He wants to be with me and marry me one day. I am the one that he wants.

 

I feel like the whole situation is going nowhere. He has not come any closer to ending anything with his wife.

 

They discussed their marriage and that he did not love her anymore and never did. Their wedding was basically a shotgun wedding. Now she is pretending and being oblivious to anything going on around her.

 

How do you end a Affair with MM if you are still in love with him? Best to tell him on the phone or send a email letter? How do you handle NC? How do you stop yourself from going back? Any insight on anyone who has ended a affair would be really helpful. Thank you.

 

Well, for me, I tend to work on logic (to the exclusion of emotion much of the time, which isn't ideal)... and I've tried to end things or rather force a result more than once, only to go back because I missed him. So obviously I'd been doing something wrong... or is that just natural..?

 

I also realise that my MM (or xMM?) operates much more on emotion than logic: he can see all the 'facts' out there, and yet if something doesn't 'feel right' he won't do it... I'm much more likely to force myself into something by sheer willpower, even though my heart says 'no'... so far that hasn't got me very far. But... this recent time things were different...

 

I got to the point where I'd had enough of the affair anyway, and so ending it was easy enough. There was a week when he couldn't come down to see me... and that week I said that I needed space and didn't want to see him the week after... and now I haven't seen him since October. A few weeks after that I also told him I didn't want him to call any more unless things changed... so in less than a month it got so we were only emailing, from being with each other 2-3 days a week.

 

But in fact, we are still emailing. I did try to put an end to that too, but it seems to early, and he says he still wants my support, misses me, and is still working on leaving. So I can't say I've 'ended it' in terms of all contact, but we're not seeing each other and I won't see him unless things change.

 

I have gone complete NC with him before, and found that it just made me think of him more and concentrate too much on whether or not it would 'make him' leave or make a decision. This way, staying in contact and having no plans for anything else is working for me for the most part. Whether it would work for anyone else, I don't know. I also don't know how it will pan out.

 

But there's no heartache... and that's good enough for me for the present.

[nextel]

Sometimes, it better to talk about these things as opposed to acting without communication. You need to speak to him and let him know where you stand and what you want.

 

Did he tell you that he wanted to leave his W and be with you? If he did, was there a time frame in mind? What were the expectations of your relationship with him? All these are answers you know and if you dont, then speak to him and get them out of him. There is no point in getting frustrated when the two of you have not discussed in detail what it is that is expected.

 

If after you have spoken and you are not satisfied with his responses, let him know where you stand and stick to it. Don't let him charm you with words, make sure they are making sense. He can love you all he wants, but what are his intentions with that love? Women are caring and sympathetic and thats what men use to charm their ways out of sticky situations.

 

All I am saying is this, get the answers you have questions for and then go from there.

 

I have been seriously thinking it's time to end things with MM. I have been going back and forth with it in my mind. I really do love MM and he says he is in love with me as well. He wants to be with me and marry me one day. I am the one that he wants. We have been friends for several years and I have met his W a few times.

 

I feel like the whole situation is going nowhere. He has not come any closer to ending anything with his wife. He has said months ago that he has to work out the money stuff, the children, property, and all that good stuff.

 

His W found out that MM loves me when she saw a email that he wrote to me. It got her really angry, because MM never says it to her. They discussed their marriage and that he did not love her anymore and never did. Their wedding was basically a shotgun wedding. Now she is pretending and being oblivious to anything going on around her. MM and W don't talk and work different shifts so that helps. I don't know if it is her way of dealing with it all , by tuning reality out.

 

Well that comes to my question. I'm getting tired of being this third wheel and angry that MM has taken no action and being a cake eater. I want to be able to live my life and have a family and children in the future. I don't want to be waiting around for a man to decide if and when he should leave his wife.

How do you end a Affair with MM if you are still in love with him? Best to tell him on the phone or send a email letter? How do you handle NC? How do you stop yourself from going back? Any insight on anyone who has ended a affair would be really helpful. Thank you.

[frannie]

Sometimes, it better to talk about these things as opposed to acting without communication. You need to speak to him and let him know where you stand and what you want.

 

Did he tell you that he wanted to leave his W and be with you? If he did, was there a time frame in mind? What were the expectations of your relationship with him? All these are answers you know and if you dont, then speak to him and get them out of him. There is no point in getting frustrated when the two of you have not discussed in detail what it is that is expected.

 

If after you have spoken and you are not satisfied with his responses, let him know where you stand and stick to it. Don't let him charm you with words, make sure they are making sense. He can love you all he wants, but what are his intentions with that love? Women are caring and sympathetic and thats what men use to charm their ways out of sticky situations.

 

All I am saying is this, get the answers you have questions for and then go from there.

 

I agree very much with this. I was actually going to ask, have you discussed this with him and what does he say, but I forgot to include it in my post. It's imperative that you discuss things with him before ending it, otherwise you will always have questions in your mind. Discussion and facing the facts will help you to move on. As would him setting a deadline and then missing it. Those are both good ways to begin ending things.

[KnownTruth]

Thank you for all your suggestions. I think MM and I need to have a long talk and discuss our relationship.

I tried talking to him yesterday, but it was more a quick chat. I found out one interesting thing. MM W thinks I am out of the picture and her H and I are not talking. She knows MM and I are best friends but never thought anything was going on. Even after MM told wife he was in love with me and not her. That really made me angry to think that he is back to hiding me after we were getting closer to be out in the open (He claims it is to keep the peace at home with his kids) His W has even made comments to MM that she managed to get rid of me. In reality MM and I talk everyday and are still having a A!

I definately need to have a chat with him!

[nextel]

So, what do you want out of this whole affair?

[whichwayisup]

From your latest post, it now sounds like you aren't going to end it.

 

Even after MM told wife he was in love with me and not her. That really made me angry to think that he is back to hiding me after we were getting closer to be out in the open (He claims it is to keep the peace at home with his kids) His W has even made comments to MM that she managed to get rid of me. In reality MM and I talk everyday and are still having a A!

I definately need to have a chat with him!

 

Again, do you have actual proof that he has told her this? (what I bolded) IF he truly is trying to fix his marriage, why on earth is he still talking to you and pursuing the affair? He is STILL lying and deceiving her! Which means he hasn't told her the truth about you, from day one. She'd be watching him like a hawk. Sorry, some of this isn't adding up because he seems so laid back about it all with you. He is lying, not only to her, but to you as well.

[quankanne]

honestly? I'd just walk away. Because if he's not made a move to choose you or her in the 3 years that I've known him, then it sounds like he's content with the status quo and I shouldn't be expected to be strung on the line like that for a fence straddler. Even if I did love him.

[frannie]

I tried talking to him yesterday, but it was more a quick chat. I found out one interesting thing. MM W thinks I am out of the picture and her H and I are not talking. She knows MM and I are best friends but never thought anything was going on. Even after MM told wife he was in love with me and not her. That really made me angry to think that he is back to hiding me after we were getting closer to be out in the open.

 

Yes, it certainly doesn't look like he's moving towards leaving, does it?

 

If she is prepared to move past it and not question him about it, and he is prepared to let that be, then I think the situation is not going to change.

 

I think you need to chat to him, yes. But... it would be all too easy for him to say he has all these intentions of leaving, and still do nothing. I would imagine him saying, it will be easier if she doesn't suspect, because if she suspects she'll make his life harder and the divorce won't be so smooth... etc. etc.

 

Which will leave you back firmly at square one, won't it?

[PoshPrincess]

KT, I agree that you should definitely have a proper chat with your MM - although be prepared to be none the wiser. My advice would be to go NC because I was in exactly the same boat as you 2 years ago and my MM never left. I really wish now that I had left after DDay then maybe I would've healed from the whole thing quicker, but I trusted him, wanted to believe him, plus I hadn't discovered LS at that time!