W's EA, ?

[HenryII]

This could be a really long post,sorry. To make it short I will let it grow as advice comes my way.

W has started an EA with the mailman! Started out innocently enough as just chatting at the mailbox. She has been practically house bound for over a year,due to illness. Now, as she is getting better I actually encouraged this friendship. After all he is a little geeky looking in the uniformand all, and is african/am., and no harm,wrong! She really started perking up and how she dressed! Spent usually an hour talking. It's escalated from there right under my nose. I confronted her on 2 occasions and lit into me like u wouldn't believe. I had heard her talking on the phone in the bathroom late at night ,giggling etc., and words like "I can have the best of both worlds."

She made me feel so guilty I apoligized to the OM (she told him)and she so needed this "friendship"

So. the saga has continued since Oct. She IM"s him every nite after supper hidden away in the study.Has changed her password . We used to know each others, and always clics him off when I come around.

This is too long so,she has admitted EA but has no interest in OM romantically!

There have been other instances I can post later, but he has fallen in love with her and is pressuring her to take the next step and spread her wings. I think I know what that means Or he will take whatever he can get, Which I now know is french kissing . So it is starting to get physical. I want it to END but she won't. She does not Know I know about the french kissing. If she can sneak. I can spy. I have confronted both of them and they completly deny kissing other then like friends. HA!

I told her I don't trust him , she showed me an e-mail he sent her professing what he wanted, noyhing romanticcally but all about how we need rules and how he has needs etc.

I had decided to let her handle this and he keeps backing off and lets her stu till she pulls him back in ,but each time a little closer for him.

Now he wants to take her out and u know what I've given up!

What a fool rthey must think of me.

I am so depressed I.ve lost weight with worrt an have no appitite.

 

I won't confront them anymore because she just makes me feel guilty about not letting her do what she wants. I don't think she wants what he wants but thet do dance and kiss when he visits. I know because there are ways to find out I have used and am not proud of but I don't want her to be taken advantage of because she is star struck somehow. I can't compete.

Her love for me has dwindled in the last several years and I did nothing to improve it.

I hate divorce , we've both been thru it before.

I just need some support and did not want to invole family.

Should I just let it go and hope for the best. If she makes it with him I will probably know and then how will I feel. Even now when I leave the house it is a relief and I don't want to kiss her.But I do want to make love with her which has 'nt happened in years with much luck.

What to do,please.

[OWoman]

Hey what happened to all the comments from the last 2 days?

 

data corruption.

[HenryII]

I had read all the responses prior to the "DATA CORRUPTION" . I am having trouble logging in. I can log in and get welcomed with my personal password but when I try to post the login window pops up and says I am not logged in. Then can't log in at all.

Tried this for awhile then reset my password and used the one they sent me and the same thing happens.

However I figuried out if I check off the "REMEMBER ME" box , I can post!

Makes no sense to me and would rather not check the box.

Anyway I want to thank everyone who responded even though u can't read them now.

I have decided to ride out this EA and will try to win her back . If it becomes more then what it is I will have to deal with that then.

She wants(more likely HE wants and she of course is thrilled) to spend time with him on sunday.

She spends time with him every day when he drops off the mail. I can always tell because the tape player is changed , my slippers are put away ,which she never does usually and the scented candle aroma abounds.

 

More later.

[Owl]

Call the post office, tell them that he's spending time at your house when he should be dropping off packages.

 

Tell them that he's engaged in a relationship with your wife...which was started and conducted predominately on company time during company duties. Tell them that you know that this is not acceptable for their organization or employees, and request that they take action immediately (such as reassigning him to a different route to begin with).

 

As far as your wife communicating with him outside of the company times and such...tell her clearly how you feel about it, and that you're not comfortable with it.

 

I'd suggest that you do a web search for the term "Marriagebuilders", and read up on the information there as a means to help end the affair and recover your marriage. There is a forum there that you can also post on for assistance.

[HenryII]

I wonder if this thread should be moved to a more appropiate forum and if so would a moderater do that please.

 

 

I am digging up this old thread as I have been reading up on some other threads and trying to sort out the feelings I have and to also try to understand how my W feels.

 

 

As I said she was ill for some time. We have a RV that we use to winter in Key West and this year she decided she would try to go there. She also said she hoped she could reach some decision about our marriage.

 

 

I have talked with her about how I feel. I know I could have them end this , if I insisted,however I donn't see how that would let her make up her own mind. She wants to be the one to decide. The only problem is she is taking much to long.

 

 

The events that have occured scinse I last posted are not a lot of fun from my seat.

 

 

She only seems to let him go so far, and he is not pushing the envelope with passion. He has let her know that he does want her to take the next step still. I think he thinks he will wear her down. As of yet he has not . She claims he is still the perfect gentleman. Remember they have both denied the open mouth kissing.

 

I wonder if I can get some input from readers on where your boundaries are on french kissing. Am I being prudish. My wife thinks that it should be OK. I think those are his words. And I told her so. I also told her I think he just has one goal in mind and that all this talk of love and needs etc., is the same stuff I used in high school.

 

 

She really likes this man. He really does make her happy, which , of course aggravates me because I feel I should be doing that. I'm not him and don't want to compete. I must be wrong and how do I compete to get her to realize this can only end hurting someone of us or all 3 of us.

 

 

Sometimes I can laugh about it to myself and even have made a jole or 2 to her about her trying to satisfy 2 men. Other times I am really agry inside. I 've convinced myself I will not interfere and let her make up her own mind.

 

 

So, we went to Key West and I know she had a tiff with him while we were traveling. Oh, BTW, he told her she was being controlled by me. That she should be able to do what she wants when she wants. ie: see him whenever.

 

 

I have been playing along with the friendship story(I think she is flattered he wants her and loves his co. but won't take it to the next level) so before we left for key West she wanted to visit his house for an hour as she did not see him on xmas as promised. He lives alone and all family are in Tampa and has no friends and spends all his time caring for his property and playing cards on he web.

 

 

So I actually took her there and he brought her back right on time and I had to listen to all about his house. Aren't I the nice husband!

 

 

Anyway , we are having a pretty good time in KW ,. We attend a 60's dance and are having a good time and they have a little contest . Guys get up and try to shake it and then audience applauds best. Well there happens to be a tall man of color there that she flips over how well he can dance and practically falls down trying to get his attention.Which she does.

 

 

THe next thing I know they are leading the conga line together. I know she is thinking of her guy back home. I 'm beginning to wonder who I married.

 

She and I have always been dancers ,she has that rythum and thats how we met. But I think she was just showing me she can get anyone she wants.

 

Anyway, while we are in KW she fails to answer one of his calls. He calls her twice in morning when he gets his little mail truck on the road and if I am not around they talk for a very long time. If I am around it is alittle shoter. All I have ever heard her say is return talk. Nothing I can point to and say she has any feelings for him other than as a friend. She always ends with ,you too when she knows I might hear or love and kises when she does not know I am eavesdropping.

 

 

So I don't think she is madly in love at all, but I am sure she is thinking "Hey, you only go around once in lifeand this man wants me but I don't want to give up my marriage for him.What should I do"

 

I have seen the tears come down her face and because I love her dearly I told her I did not want to stand in her way,but that she could do what she wanted and I would do what I wanted.

 

 

She is now so torn . She has 2 men that want her and love her . Although mine love seems to faultering somewhat. All this could have ben avoided if he had not started kissing her or her not started kising him. I'm OK with cheek kissing a friend but I would never kiss another woman on the mouth while I was still living with someone else. I guess I am old school.

 

 

I can't seem to get past this lip toip thing. I know everyone has a past and that is not an issue with me. So, if that is not an issue then why is it an issue. Because it is on going?

 

OK its late and I'm tired, so I will post this and ad on later.

[LakesideDream]

She has nothing to lose in the current situation. she has a husband paying the bills, and a Boyfriend for her emotional needs. Hell, you even drive her to her boyfriends house for visits.

 

As long as you continue to tolerate, even encourage her to treat you as her personal cuckhold, she will continue to do so... until she decides you have given all you will then she will move on.

 

If no children are involved. Leave now.

[Owl]

I agree with Lakeside.

 

If you just want to let her keep doing all of this, there's no reason at all for her to change her behaviors.

 

Do you REALLY need someone to tell you that a married person shouldn't be french kissing someone else?!?!?!?! PLEASE!!!!

 

Yes, you need to set boundaries.

 

Yes, you need to take action to put an end to this emotional/possibly physical affair.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right in being concerned about the whole thing.

 

You've had three months to do something about this...and yet you're still sitting there equivocating. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

 

I made my suggestions previously in this thread...have you even considered any of those measures?

[Mrmojorisin]

Henry,

I am sorry you are going through this. BUT, I am going be be very blunt and maybe a little harsh with you so hold on.

 

WTF were you thinking driving her over there and leaving her alone with him for an hour?? I don't care what she has told you or what you want to believe, but you dropped her off so she could have sex with him. Trust me, they have already taken the relationship to the next level. The was the dumbest freaking move I have ever heard of.

French kissing another man is NOT ACCEPTABLE!! Kissing another man in anyway on the lips is also unacceptable.

You need to grow a set and tell her that she need to choose between you and him now. You heard her say that she " I can have the best of both worlds". You CANNOT let this go on any longer. If you leave the choices up to her she will walk all over you as long as you let her. You need to call the post office and tell them what is going on and you want him removed from your route. She will be pissed off about it, but that is to bad. You need to find your self respect and stand up for yourself.

 

Her is what I told my wife.

1. No more contact with him period. No more IM, No more texts, No nothing

 

2. Change her cell number now. And do not give it to him.

 

3. Make her tell him in front of you that it is over.

 

If she refuses to do any one of these things, then you really need to consider if you want to stay married to her..

 

Oh, and I would talk to him and tell him to leave your wife alone, and that whatever goes on between you and her is none of his damn business..

[daisygirl]

After all he is a little geeky looking in the uniformand all, and is african/am., and no harm,wrong!

 

Okay, I know the original post was started long ago, and maybe it's already been brought up, but I just HAVE to ask....why does it matter than he is African-American?

[MimiMe]

Henry,

Her is what I told my wife.

1. No more contact with him period. No more IM, No more texts, No nothing

 

2. Change her cell number now. And do not give it to him.

 

3. Make her tell him in front of you that it is over.

 

If she refuses to do any one of these things, then you really need to consider if you want to stay married to her..

 

Oh, and I would talk to him and tell him to leave your wife alone, and that whatever goes on between you and her is none of his damn business..

 

 

Yeah and that is the same thing that I had my stbxH do... all failed buddy. He still went and did it anyway.

[Mrmojorisin]

Yeah and that is the same thing that I had my stbxH do... all failed buddy. He still went and did it anyway.

 

That is why he is your ex. You cannot put up with being cheated on. I believe a marriage can overcome and affair, but only if both parties are willing to work on it. Some cheaters will comply and others will not. If they really are remorseful for what they did they will follow the rules.

 

There is one more rule I forgot.

 

If she ever cheats again, I am gone. This is a one time pass. There is only one chance at forgiveness for an affair. She ever cheats again, even 10 or 15 years from now, I will kick her ass out.

[MimiMe]

That is why he is your ex. You cannot put up with being cheated on. I believe a marriage can overcome and affair, but only if both parties are willing to work on it. Some cheaters will comply and others will not. If they really are remorseful for what they did they will follow the rules.

 

There is one more rule I forgot.

 

If she ever cheats again, I am gone. This is a one time pass. There is only one chance at forgiveness for an affair. She ever cheats again, even 10 or 15 years from now, I will kick her ass out.

 

 

Ha! Word! Besides, I got one life to live... He may hold my heart (hopefully one day someone else will) but he wont stop me from living and having a chance at being happy. We tried the therapy all that... Please! he's in prison!! where you have time to reflect and think about the things that really matter like your kids, family, marriage. He broke up his home in the situation that he is in. What prisoner abandons his family?!??!?!!

I had to keep it moving... I would be a fool to want to keep him or try to fix things with him.

[jton30]

Henry, you need to nip this in the bud. No, french kissing another guy is not cool and neither is her giving you the guilt trip for being upset at what's going on with her 'friend'. There are appropriate friendships within a marriage and this is not one of them. She should develop some friendships with females or get some activities going that involve the two of you.

 

More than likely she is bored. Yeah it happens in a marriage and it's perfectly acceptable to have social outlets other than your spouse. Again, not acceptable to become physically and emotionally involved with a man who has romantic interests. Just plain old not acceptable regardless of what kind of guilt trip she lays on you. Hope this bolsters your confidence. I think you know what's right and what's not... good luck.

[MimiMe]

This is plain and simple= Cheated!!! not acceptable!

 

AND with the mailman???!! WTF!! You going to really live up to the saying: "The mailman's kid". Jeez!

[Habibti]

Look Henry-God bless you- but reach down between your legs, grapple around a bit and SQUEEZE where your balls should be until they are swollen and you remember YOU are a man who needs some respect.

 

 

You are being walked all over because YOU are allowing it. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.I think you mistakenly thought if you gave in to your wife's whims it would improve her image of you..if anything it has made it much much worse. She is not the family dog Henry, you don't just throw her a bone anytime she asks for it (uh, no pun intended).This marriage is completely off balance and out of boundaries.You need to set those straight and then see what you are left with. Second of all, I'm not sure WHY you even want to try and save a marriage with someone who is so utterly disrespectful of you and YOUR MARRIAGE.