Don't Know What Will Happen.........

[KATANYA]

Well, I have been on this site for a little bit and really enjoy reading everyone's posts and perspectives. I've actually come to appreciate the many different views and find many posts very enlightening....

 

In spite of myself, I have decided to stop my A with my MM....there has been no D-Day, no bad experiences, no nothing....he is my friend and a good one at that.

 

I have decided to end the A part simply because I need to know if we really are the friends we both say we are. I don't plan to tell him the A is over and I don't plan to do anything any different (except when the opportunities present themselves for us to be together, I won't be available). NC is not an option because we work together and I have been at my job for almost 20 years...I am a single mom and starting over is not an option.

 

Bottom line is that I want this man in my life and I don't want to lose the friendship.....I know many have said (ref. my last thread) that you can't be friends but I'm hoping this case is different.

 

I met a man a few months ago that is very nice (and single) that I enjoy spending time with. I know I will not get involved with him to the point of a marriage and probably not even a serious relationship because I really don't believe in marriage anymore. I do think, however, that my MM and I are in love and that his feelings for me are more than either of us need, and vice versa and I think my feelings for him (whether I realize it or not) stop me from having other relationships with other men. We actually were away together earlier in the week and I made a comment about our relationship to him and didn't like his response - I know whether he admits it or not he is feeling torn between his two lives. I think its easier and only logical (if one can be logical) that I remove myself from this now before anyone gets hurt. I don't regret that the A happened and can't say I wouldn't do it again.....never say never!

 

Sorry for rambling but I just need to write out what I'm thinking. I'm a bit sad because I do very much love this man and don't want to lose all of the things we have (and I do mean the friendship more than the sex).

 

I'm really not sure how this will turn out but if we are as close as I think (and as we have been for the last decade or more) than hopefully things will go well. Any predictions on how he will respond? Am I handling this the right way?

[whichwayisup]

So your physical affair will end, you'll still be in an emotional affair.

 

What expectations will you have of this 'friendship' with him? What new boundries will you be setting up? What lines won't be crossed etc.

 

Honestly, if you two were truly 'friends' the affair would not have happened in the first place. Neither of you would have crossed those lines to begin with.

[lost4ever]

1st. As soon as he sees you trying to pull away he will put on the A game (my MM did this alot, (though his A game is an F, but not the point))

They like the way the have it now, so they will fight to keep it that way

 

2nd. he will not be able to just be a friend, my MM and I tried this too, it would be "buddy" chat for awhile, but he could never stop with the "sexy" talk, the touching your hair and saying I miss the way you smell, blah blah

[KATANYA]

Thanks WWIU, I know you have strong views about A's being friendships. The A between us began after a very bad time in my life and in his - I think to some degree we felt safe with each other after both having been hurt. We have been close for many years as I've said. The friendship for years before was much as it is now, he is close to my children and has always been a good support person to me. He is very kind (not just to me but to all who know him) and has always been protective of me, probably because of my bad experiences with my ex.

 

I don't know what boundaries need to be established. I am thinking this through as I type. I guess I want things to be as they were whereby we work well together and are friends and supports to each other - I guess we will see how he responds to this. Again, there was never any EA or PA with us prior to the actual A. I certainly knew about his A's and flings with others before me.....I never gave a thought to an A with him before it actually happened. Again, he was a safe place in a lot of ways during a very difficult time.

 

I really don't know how this will all end up and maybe his re-action will tell the tale. That, I can't predict.

[GreenEyedLady]

Good luck to you!

 

You seem to have a firm idea of how you want this to play out, so stick to it and you sound strong enough that it should work out!

 

GEL

[Meaplus3]

It sound's like you are making the right decison to end the a. Can you two be friend's? NO! Going by my own personal exp and many other's I have read here on LS, Friendship after an ea or A really never work's. I imagine this will be tough for you beign that you work together. I think you just need to keep it professional and leave it at that. Good Luck.

 

AP:)

[GreenEyedLady]

It sound's like you are making the right decison to end the a. Can you two be friend's? NO! Going by my own personal exp and many other's I have read here on LS, Friendship after an ea or A really never work's. I imagine this will be tough for you beign that you work together. I think you just need to keep it professional and leave it at that. Good Luck.

 

AP:)

 

I actually disagree with this, in this particular instance...

 

Friendship doesn't work when one person is still in love with the other and has hopes of being with that person...that's not true in this case...so it may actually work...

[frannie]

I have decided to end the A part simply because I need to know if we really are the friends we both say we are. I don't plan to tell him the A is over and I don't plan to do anything any different (except when the opportunities present themselves for us to be together, I won't be available)...

 

I'm really not sure how this will turn out but if we are as close as I think (and as we have been for the last decade or more) than hopefully things will go well. Any predictions on how he will respond? Am I handling this the right way?

 

I can't remember if I've seen or responded to any of your previous posts, so forgive me if I'm missing something, but.

 

I'm just wondering why you can't just be honest with him..? If you want the affair to end, but keep his friendship? Why not just say that it's become too much for you and you think it's best if you both cool things off..?

[KATANYA]

I guess I just feel that we were close friends before the A began and are still friends in so many ways that the A does not, in my mind, define our relationship. It wasn't there for years, then it was, now it won't be. If he wants to bring it up then I will give explanations......a lot of my attitude on this is also a direct result in reading so many posts whereby the OW is left with no closure, no finality to their A's with MM.....do I really owe an explanation? Maybe I do???? I guess I'm just thinking that we never sat down and discussed beginning the A, we don't discuss the A while its going on, so what is there really to discuss? It has been a very bizarre relationship since the A begin because we speak everyday and usually see each other every day (as we have for years) but it is not the longing looks or stolen moments in the photocopy room that I've read other OW going through...we respect each others work and ideas, support each others management decisions, etc. and genuinely enjoy each others company away from the A itself, we have not tried to sneak around in town together and do not make a habit of weekend rendezvous, texts, etc. I guess I'm really not sure if I owe an explanation or if I'm feeling like that is making the A the focus of our friendship (which in my mind it should not be!). I'm confusing myself......does this make sense?

[frannie]

Hm I don't know. I wasn't thinking 'owing an explanation', more just being straight about things, so there is no question 'oh, I wonder if he'll notice?' etc. If you really want to step back over the friends line, and don't want any further sexual entanglements, well personally I'd just say so (but then I'm not you!). I mean, if you respect each other's opinion, and want to be actual friends... how can you be friends if you're not up front..?

 

Then again, I can see what you're saying... you drifted into the affair, why not drift out again...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks WWIU, I know you have strong views about A's being friendships. The A between us began after a very bad time in my life and in his - I think to some degree we felt safe with each other after both having been hurt. We have been close for many years as I've said. The friendship for years before was much as it is now, he is close to my children and has always been a good support person to me. He is very kind (not just to me but to all who know him) and has always been protective of me, probably because of my bad experiences with my ex.

 

Oh I do believe men and women can be friends, but not after an affair, not until ALL the feelings of care, emotional attachment are completely gone. You two will need some distance to detach and not be a big part of eachother's daily lives. Even then, because you two had sex, had that affair, it takes two big people to move through that and accept the new rules, that is, and live by new boundries.

 

Do you know his wife? Have you and her ever been friendly?

 

I don't know what boundaries need to be established. I am thinking this through as I type. I guess I want things to be as they were whereby we work well together and are friends and supports to each other - I guess we will see how he responds to this. Again, there was never any EA or PA with us prior to the actual A. I certainly knew about his A's and flings with others before me.....I never gave a thought to an A with him before it actually happened. Again, he was a safe place in a lot of ways during a very difficult time.

 

So, he was your safety net and you were his...Friendship or not, you two have to not rely on eachother that way anymore. Talk to your family, women friends, lean on them, not him. And, he must do the same thing, rely on his family, close (male) friends and his own wife. YOu two have to cut the emotional bond between you and have that distance, detachment. WHEN you have that, possibly you can be casual friends, be able to work together without feeling weird ... The only thing is, whatever feelings are there have grown deeply over the years and I'm not too sure if you can be around him, and not allow the feelings to continue.

[norajane]

I do think, however, that my MM and I are in love and that his feelings for me are more than either of us need, and vice versa and I think my feelings for him (whether I realize it or not) stop me from having other relationships with other men.

That's why you can't be 'just' friends. Friends don't have 'in love' attachments to each other. That will make your interactions very awkward and emotionally unstable after you end the A. It will make it very easy to 'drift' back into the A, especially if you never actually tell him you want to end it. Is that why you won't tell him and end the affair - because you suspect you don't want to make it final, you want to sorta leave the door open?

 

He's a serial cheater, and you didn't care about his prior A's and flings...will you care about his next A once he realizes your A is over? Is that why you won't just come out and tell him - you don't want him to start seeking a new affair partner right away, not until your feelings have ebbed a bit?

 

How does MM feel about your interest in the man you met recently? Does he know about him? Does that man know about MM?

 

I'm just throwing some questions out there for you to think about. The most important thing is for you to be honest with yourself, and truly understand what you want and why. Otherwise, you will waffle in your decision. You may waffle even if you know what's going on, but at least you'll know why.

[Lizzie60]

I don't know how it will go... When he'll feel that you are being 'unavailable' he might start 'playing the game' and try to make you 'jealous' with other women... and that might 'hurt' you somehow... I don't know... maybe he won't... I'm just sayin...that he might not like the idea of losing you..and might 'fight' back.

 

Personally, I don't doubt one second that you are honest about your feeling tonight... but what about in a week or so..when he tells you all the nice things you love to hear...will you be as strong.

 

I honestly don't believe that you can end it this way... the only way, IMO is to be straightforward and tell him it's over...

 

The way you want to do it... by being 'unavailable' you are only getting more time to 'think about it'... you cannot be 'unavailable' forever...

 

It's like trying to quit drinking and hiding a bottle in your purse.... just in case...

[OpenBook]

I have decided to end the A part simply because I need to know if we really are the friends we both say we are...

 

We actually were away together earlier in the week and I made a comment about our relationship to him and didn't like his response...

 

I think its easier and only logical (if one can be logical) that I remove myself from this now before anyone gets hurt.

 

Katanya, I detect (and I could be wrong) that your self-preservation instinct is kicking in. You are sensing some kind of withdrawal, confusion, mixed signals, etc. on his part, and your instincts are telling you that you are about to get hurt.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would be more concerned about your professional situation. It's gotta be awkward for your co-workers, knowing how close you two are and how you "support each other's management decisions." And if you think they don't suspect anything, you're wrong! People can smell this stuff.

 

Another consideration is, like Lizzie said -- what if he takes up with someone else in the office? There you'd be, having to witness it every day, and try to do your job at the same time. It's an excruciatingly painful experience. Trust me, you don't want to live it.

 

My advice would be to step back and take a cold, hard look at this MM. I don't think you owe him any explanation. You need to detach first, before you make any decisions, so that you can evaluate things objectively.

 

And be nice to that SG you're seeing!! Even if the feelings aren't there for you... he may prove to be a godsend.