Discovery day again

[Mino]

Hello everybody, had another D day, second one this year. I have been with MM already 3 years, BWknows about 1 1/2. We went on vacation together and he caught caught, took him back in again. What is she thinking at time. She know he is not stopping, please no bashing, this is hard enough, thanks.

[Impudent Oyster]

Who cares what she's thinking, more imporatntly what is HE doing?

[reboot]

Who cares what she's thinking, more imporatntly what is HE doing?

Eating cake.

[TogetherForever]

Hello everybody, had another D day, second one this year. I have been with MM already 3 years, BWknows about 1 1/2. We went on vacation together and he caught caught, took him back in again. What is she thinking at time. She know he is not stopping, please no bashing, this is hard enough, thanks.

 

Mino,

How many more d-days before he leaves his wife?

Did she take him back this time too?

What are YOU waiting for?

TF

[Havn_a_life]

Sounds like he's riding the ego wave.

He wants you and his W.

I'd make the choice for him and move on. His W has more history with him, therefore is why she takes him back.

The first time, he might be forgiven, but I'd dump his a*ss the 2nd time.

You and his BW should both do that, and then move on with your lives.

Is he really that good of a catch? Doubt it!

[Trimmer]

I have a question that I think is kind of on topic, and which I promise I ask with an open mind:

 

Does the nature of your relationship with a MM change, between the time that it is simply hidden from an unknowing W, and the time that the W discovers it and takes him back, and the A becomes a kind of an active deception?

 

I can kind of understand that the initial "hidden" phase could be rationalized as if it's invisible, no one knows, it's like it doesn't even exist to the W. But then once it becomes real to her, do you see the relationship differently - and specifically, do you see the MM differently? It seems more passive to be able to say at the beginning, well, it's just happening and no one knows... But then does it get more intentional once it becomes more of a cat and mouse game?

[quankanne]

he got caught, she took him back in again. What is she thinking at time. She know he is not stopping,

 

honestly? Probably that you're just a passing phase – after all, he still remains married with her. And I imagine telling her that (1) she's imagining things, (2) is crazy, or, (3) he's already ended it with you, but you refuse to leave him alone. My guess is that it's No. 3, because that's most likely the easiest lie to keep as he perpetuates relationships with both of you.

 

I think blue rose avatar has the right point: both of y'all need to dump his butt – or tag team together and confront him point-blank about the direction his life is going to take. Honestly? Neither of you deserve to live half a life while he's living high off the hog as he plays you both to get what he wants.

 

I've said it before: If you're planning on screwing around, you don't have any business being married.

 

now go take a board to his jackass self and make him declare a loyalty to one of you gals, not make you the victims of his divided loyalty.

[annabelle75]

She takes him back because he keeps coming back to her. You really need to ask yoursefl why he keesp doing that. He obviously doesn't want to leave her. He's already had two outs and has passed them by.

[whichwayisup]

This man will continue to fool his wife and use her, just like he is with you. The thing is, she is married to him, and probably feels she has to keep on forgiving him. They have history, and family together...You aren't obligated to stick around...But she is. (Just another way of looking at things.)

 

Honestly, he deserves neither of you. I hope his wife kicks him to the curb and you tell him to f**k off.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I wonder when the time does come when she drops him and he cheats on you, will you take him back???

 

If he's cheating on his wife?!!? whom he has history and possibly kids with. What happens if he get's bored? or he finds someone else with better coochie.

 

U nned to embrace reality. It might not work out for you either. Think about that.

[outofdarkness]

Eating cake.

Yep..a HUGE cake too!!

[GreenEyedLady]

If he's cheating on his wife?!!? whom he has history and possibly kids with. What happens if he get's bored? or he finds someone else with better coochie.

 

Is this what you'd say to the W? He's cheating on her for better coochie? Come on and get real...If you think an A that lasts that long is about sex, you're only deluding yourself...

[whichwayisup]

...If you think an A that lasts that long is about sex, you're only deluding yourself...

 

Remember, men are able to separate love and sex...Even if they do feel emotional attachment, they can shut that off pretty damn quick if need be.

[Tomcat33]

Remember, men are able to separate love and sex...Even if they do feel emotional attachment, they can shut that off pretty damn quick if need be.

 

 

So if that's true a men must do that to their W's too? Compartmentalise what they get from them..

 

C'mon really? a man can detach himself from a fling but I dunnow about a 3yr rel. there is a lot more at stake there...

 

 

I'd love to hear men's opinion on that thought. I just don't think that men are that different than we are when it comes to long term attachement...yes they can do that in short flighty type connections but I don't think it is so like that in a 3yr rel..I could be mistaken.

[whichwayisup]

So if that's true a men must do that to their W's too? Compartmentalise what they get from them..

 

I was talking about a fling, not marriage.

[Tomcat33]

I was talking about a fling, not marriage.

 

 

This case is not a fling, it is a 3yr rel.

A fling to me is a transitory thing that has a very small shelf life, 3yrs is hardly a fling....in my books. Also in a fling there are no feelings exchanged. Again not the case here.

 

what does fling mean to you?

[sadbuttrue]

for some reason, i dont think a lot of the BSs get that sometimes, especially with long term affairs, there are serious feelings involved by the MM. they want to believe that tricky, sneaky, OW fool their simple minded H's into thinking they want to be with the OW. please.

[Tomcat33]

for some reason, i dont think a lot of the BSs get that sometimes, especially with long term affairs, there are serious feelings involved by the MM. they want to believe that tricky, sneaky, OW fool their simple minded H's into thinking they want to be with the OW. please.

 

 

So true Sadbutrue!! I know it's futile I don't know why we even bother...

 

I wish I could say, we the evil OW make this stuff up but it's not so. Since our word/experiences are not enough, all you have to do is take a gander over on the Infidelity forum and see all the cheaters that come out to share their stories, women and men alike, 8 out of 10 people that post there talk about doing the right thing about going back to their marriages because they feel it is the right thing to do they love their spouses etc. but they all admit to not knowing HOW to stop the deep feelings they have for the OP. And of course the BSs try to brush it off as the addiction the fantasy the everything THEY feel these people must feel but are clueless about because they are not in their shoes, and they beat the dead horse in hopes to hear what they want to hear.

 

Inevitably one of two things happen, the cheaters gets tired of having to make excuses and poof! dissapear OR they simply dissapear before anything is demanded of them. They have their spouses to report to at home, plus the OP they've jut cut off and all the explanation they have to give them PLUS all the BSs here they need to report to and say the right thing to, to ease their pain as well. Regardless catch people who stray at the beginning of their threads and the truth is all there. A lot of our cases are no different.

 

Gees even guys who had As for 3 months are messed up emotionally about it and yet if we listen to what some people say here we are to believe that men ALL compartmentalise and don't feel. I'm sure some do, but exactly HOW much are you compartemtalizing in 3 yr rel. Let's get real here! I'm sorry people don't just keep going back with someone for years on end simply for "sex" how naive can you be to that?

 

besides everyone knows that sex is better when there are emotions vested, if lack of sex at home is what keeps people going back to their OW/Om then why not just get avergage sex at home!?!? Good sex is not about two people that are GREAT in bed, it is about the emtional tie, without it, it is just sex. And people yes, men in particular get tired of ""just sex"very quickly. Ask any guy. Otherwise one nite stands would not exist 9/10 times it is the man who does not want to return after the one night stand not the other way around. Why? because if there is no emotional connection there is no need to return, no matter how great looking the woman is. so to say that a guy has a "fling" for 2 yrs in an A that to me is the WRONG use of the word "fling"

 

 

The forever stereotype here that eases all pain is OW are just hole receptors of sexual starvation, that's it. If life were like that none of us would be here, we would have all had our one night stand and "no harm done"

[norajane]

I think men do compartmentalize quite a bit, but I don't limit their ability to do so to just sex and emotions. Some men are capable of compartmentalizing entire parts of their LIVES. Men who are capable of cheating for years, obviously compartmentalize their lives...they are with the OW when they are with her, and they are with the Wife when they are at home, and they keep those worlds separate as possible.

 

In long term affairs that go on for years, of course there is some emotional attachment. The question is what does that emotional attachment mean to the cheater? Is it enough for him to end his married life or not? In many cases, since the affairs go on for years and they don't leave, it's apparently not enough. Does that emotional attachment to OW mean he is no longer emotionally attached to his wife even if he stays with her? Maybe in some cases, but not in every case. It's clear that there are men who are emotionally attached to both women and remain so for years on end until they are caught or something else happens to end things, like the OW walking away.

 

If he stays with Wife even if he's emotionally detached from Wife and very firmly attached to OW...well, what's that emotional attachment to OW really worth, anyway?

 

As for the BS, I dunno. I'd dump a guy who cheated for years. No amount of "for the kids" or whatever would keep me with a guy who lied his ass off to me for years. Course, I'd say the same if I were an OW - I wouldn't stick around for years with a MM. Life is too short to waste on a man who divides his time, his thoughts, and his emotions that way.

[Tomcat33]

I

If he stays with Wife even if he's emotionally detached from Wife and very firmly attached to OW...well, what's that emotional attachment to OW really worth, anyway?

 

.

 

 

It's worth the same thing marriage to his W is worth: NOTHING.

 

 

I think men do compartmentalize quite a bit, but I don't limit their ability to do so to just sex and emotions. Some men are capable of compartmentalizing entire parts of their LIVES. Men who are capable of cheating for years, obviously compartmentalize their lives...they are with the OW when they are with her, and they are with the Wife when they are at home, and they keep those worlds separate as possible

 

I agree not disputing that, I am however saying that you cannot be with someone for a long time (A or not) and not be emotionally vested.

Why he ends up leaving or not I am not going to dispute, NO ONE knows why, only the cheaters know why they choose as they do.

[Mino]

Hi everybody, its been 3 years, its not a fling..... He wrote her and told her he is with me and wants a divorce. Last d day, she used child, she put major guilt trip on him and said if he left he would see the child only as much as the courts give, which is every other weekend. He is torn, I know that. He loves his child and I know he loves me, that I know after 3 years. She has fears too, being a single parent would be one. she is a bit naive, I think about her rights. Its just a mess, everyone is hurting.

[norajane]

I am however saying that you cannot be with someone for a long time (A or not) and not be emotionally vested.

 

Yes, I said that in my second paragraph.

 

It's also possible to emotionally detach after years together, whether it be to detach from wife or from the OW.

[Mino]

She takes him back because he keeps coming back to her. You really need to ask yoursefl why he keesp doing that. He obviously doesn't want to leave her. He's already had two outs and has passed them by.

Annabelle, its not that cut and dry......

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is this what you'd say to the W? He's cheating on her for better coochie? Come on and get real...If you think an A that lasts that long is about sex, you're only deluding yourself...

 

I never said a affair is only about sex but let's be real if it was about emotions the man would have not went back to his wife and tried to work things out, everytime he leaves he goes back home, what does that say about him. Alot of women need to understand that a man can just be about the coochie and nothing else. As long as they get what they want they will fill the mistresses' heads up with nonsense and bull****!

 

If he was intent on leaving his wife for the OW he would have done so already right?

 

Its called having the best of both worlds. Sick as it is, many people who have affairs do that. Even when married. Just look at the boards here and read between the lines.

 

And the fact that she's using guilt by saying all that ying yang about his son is not using guilt it's the truth. if she gets' custody through the courts and she get's physical whereas he has to visit, it's not gonna be the same as a 50/50 split. She just layed down the facts. nothing else.

 

I wonder when you do marry this man do you think he will not cheat on you as well, when he get's bored?

[Onelife]

Hi everybody, its been 3 years, its not a fling..... He wrote her and told her he is with me and wants a divorce. Last d day, she used child, she put major guilt trip on him and said if he left he would see the child only as much as the courts give, which is every other weekend. He is torn, I know that. He loves his child and I know he loves me, that I know after 3 years. She has fears too, being a single parent would be one. she is a bit naive, I think about her rights. Its just a mess, everyone is hurting.

 

Maybe it's because it's already been her third M. Did she have any childrens prior to this M?

Change is hard, no matter what...so she may think that she better sticks with this M regardless of the affair.