Hello everyone

[simplegirl]

I have been a "lurker" for a few days and decided to actually start participating.

 

I thought I would say hi to everyone and introduce myself a little.

 

My story:

 

I have been OW for 3 years now. I am divorced with my own children and MM has 3 children, 2 with current BS (they are not married but in my eyes they are) and one from a previous marriage. When I was married I was very much against cheating, I was the BS for a while though that was not the reason for the divorce. I never thought I would be the OW. Now 3 years later here I am. My story is very, very long so I won't go into all of it but I am really glad to have someplace that people can relate to the roller coaster ride.

[whichwayisup]

Are you looking to end things with your MM, or are you just trying to survive rollercoaster ride?

[simplegirl]

That would depend which minute of the day we are talking about and more elaboration would mean going into the story. I'll try to make it a readers digest version. When I met my MM I was going through my divorce and didn't go looking for it to happen. We ended up meeting and things just happened. A week into it we had the "talk" about where it was going and it was clear that he wasn't leaving (the kids). He wanted to make sure I was ok with that and didn't expect more. I was fine with that, I was getting divorced. His relationship is not good at all. I know her and the kids and his family and she is not a nice person. They dated and she got pregnant so he stayed with her. She is a very hateful person. She puts him down all the time, even in front of the kids, she is very mean to his oldest child that is not her's and she doesn't like his family and does her best to not include them in anything. She doesn't care who's around when she puts him down, his friends, strangers, family, kids. Anyway, things were good. He always told me that he wished he would have met me previously (before her) but that didn't happen and I was ok with how things were because I had kids and was learning to be a single parent. Dating just wasn't something I could do. Him and I have been very open and he knows I date. For the first year I didn't and we had a talk about me dating and he knows it has to be hard for me to be alone all the time and he can't ask me not to date because that wouldn't be fair. In the 3 years we have been seeing each other I haven't dated much and once I had a boyfriend and didn't see him at all during that time. I didn't end it officially but just didn't answer his calls and stuff. The boyfriend only lasted about 2 months (nothing to do with MM). For the first two years I was consumed with MM. I know my feelings were going where I didn't want them to so I just didn't vocalize them and kept going. Him and her would split up and when they did he didn't run to my house. In fact I really wouldn't see him at all if things were real bad at his house. In Jan he called me one night and told me about his feelings for me. I knew he felt stronger than we both let on but we just didn't talk about it and the L word was never used. Ever since that night he has been more vocal about his feelings for me. About a month ago he spent the night (a first) and told me all kinds of things that he hasn't told me like how much he loved me and that he wished I was the mother of his kids and that he wished we could be together. He went on and on and I didn't say much. Since then he has spent the night a few more times and still the same thing and I came clean about my feelings with him. I've also heard from people that he is telling them he wished he could be with me and wants to leave his relationship. I was fine with us until all this talk of us being together and now I'm crazy. I want him here. I haven't talked to him in a few days and that's pretty normal for us sometimes but right now it is killing me. My sensible side is telling me to move on now and I need to end it before I get hurt anymore. Another side of me says to back off a little and try to go back to the way we were and the other part of me sits here waiting for him. I hate this ride sometimes.

[jesmel]

Gosh, that almost sounds like me. I have been with my MM for almost 2 years. Just this morning, he an dI discussed me dating others because he is not leaving anytimes soon. Well, he said he understood why I wanted to see others, but he did not want to hear about it. I do not really want ot see anybody else, but I guess I will. How did you deal with being involved with your MM and another?

[simplegirl]

Well, when we discussed me dating he said that he always wanted to meet whoever I was dating. That wasn't hard since we hung out together with the same group of people all the time. The first guy he ever met was pretty hard for him but it was just two dates and didn't go anywhere. The second guy was a guy I dated for a few months but I didn't like him and I knew it was going no where. A friend of mine convinced me that I needed a boyfriend so I kept him around. It wasn't hard to juggle the MM and the "boyfriend" because the "boyfriend" knew from the get go that it was a go no where kind of thing. Just someone to hang out with. Then there was the third guy. That one was different. He was a guy I met years ago when we were both married and we were very good friends. Never crossed any lines at all but still good friends. We talked for the first time in years and decided to go out and have drinks. He had been split from his wife for almost a year. The first night we went out my MM knew and made a joke about it. That night we had so much fun and I knew I was going to end it with the MM. The next night my MM met him and from the get go he knew. I quit taking his calls and didn't see him at all. I knew I couldn't take seeing both and I had to give the new guy a fair shot. The new guy only lasted just over a month, the wife decided she made a mistake leaving him and he had to give her another chance, for the kids. In 3 years that is it, 3 guys. Since Dec it has only been the MM.

[jesmel]

So how do you deal with not having your MM around for special holidays, etc... Or when he is on a family vacation?

[simplegirl]

The first year we saw each other on holidays but that was only because he lived so close and we couldn't help but see each other. Our first New Year's I even got the midnight kiss! But now things are different. He doesn't go on family vacations so that's not an issue. Holidays are hard sometimes but I have kids and I do stuff with them. I have my own life with my kids. The hardest part is when I go through lonely spells and the kids are asleep or I have to go to bed alone. That is much harder than being alone on any holiday.

[jesmel]

You are right. That is the hardest time for me also.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you need to not date anyone right now. Best to focus on you, your kids.

[GreenEyedLady]

The first year we saw each other on holidays but that was only because he lived so close and we couldn't help but see each other. Our first New Year's I even got the midnight kiss! But now things are different. He doesn't go on family vacations so that's not an issue. Holidays are hard sometimes but I have kids and I do stuff with them. I have my own life with my kids. The hardest part is when I go through lonely spells and the kids are asleep or I have to go to bed alone. That is much harder than being alone on any holiday.

 

Have you thought about what you want from your R with him? Why do you feel like you should end it now? Do you see him taking steps to be with you or do you feel like he is giving you lip-service?

[KATANYA]

I am in a similar situation with my MM in that he has a family and a life with them that he will not leave - I guess the difference is I don't expect or want him too. I don't actively seek out others to date but would not stop from doing so if I found someone I wanted to get to know - and I would not feel the need to let MM know I am seeing someone else either (IMO this is not something he has a say in).

 

I agree some nights are lonely and there are times I wish he were around but then I stop and ask myself if I would want him around all the time and always come up with "no" for the answer; I guess we just have to accept that we choose to be involved with a "borrowed" partner who has a life and commitments that come before our relationship with them. If that isn't acceptable then we shouldn't be in the relationship because in then end it is us that will end up alone, lonely and hurt. I deeply care about my MM and consider him a dear friend who has helped me through many hardships as well as shared many great times with me, including special occasions when we can but I guess I've learned to appreciate the time we are together without ever expecting those moments to happen. No expectations, no demands and no promises - just accepting that what is right now is working for me in my situation and for him in his.....I don't think there is much more to ask or hope for - that would be unrealistic or dreaming and that's no way to live.

 

Enjoy your children and your life (either single, dating or finding another R) - make it the most it can be and if he adds to that, good for you. If being with him is taking away from that - you deserve more!

[simplegirl]

For the first year or two we were together I definitely let the A consume me. After that I worked on myself and my kids. I don't actively seek anyone to date but if I found someone I would.

 

In the beginning my MM and I discussed what this was and there were no expectations. I have never asked him to leave. He has talked about it with me but it was never him leaving to be with me, mostly about him leaving for his own sake. His family tells me all the time about him talking about leaving (some of them know some don't). After 3 years it has only been in the last month that he told me how much he really loved me and wanted to be with me. I don't know if he'll really do it or not. I'm not holding my breath. Some of his family know this is what he wants and fully support it because of the situation he is in now.

 

He was here today and talked again about us being together. I don't say much about it because I don't want to be the reason he leaves. He has to do it for himself because of the issues and so forth.