ahotmess Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 I found this and it was just a nice thing to remember that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. I'm not the only (ex)OW on the planet. Enjoy! Who She Is Regina Barreca She's the nicest woman you could ever meet; in fact, you might have met her. You might know her fairly well and you might like her a lot without being aware that she's sleeping with your husband. She is a nice woman, really. This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, that can't be discussed out loud. It's the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She's not a fool even though she knows she's acting like one. Or, she's not sleeping with your husband -- maybe you're single, maybe you have different relationships in your life -- and so this is a friend of yours, a woman you've come to consider a good and dependable part of your life. She's an elementary school teacher, a physical therapist, a pharmacist, a social worker, a bank executive, a swim coach, an engineer, a computer programmer. She's been your friend since junior high, your college roommate, your best colleague, your neighbor, your confidante, without revealing this part of her life to you because she suspects that even at your most understanding you wouldn't understand. You couldn't unless you've been through this and she knows you haven't. Or she thinks she knows you haven't but one thing she has learned is that nobody is exempt from the possibility of this happening -- if a person could claim exemption, she'd be first on the list. So she doesn't tell you, her best friend. You might judge her harshly or, even worse, stop speaking to her altogether and she can't bear the thought of losing you. She's already surrounded by the possibility of loss and will not add to it, even at the cost of not talking about the very thing that consumes her waking moments. Educated, polite and brought up by a loving family, she's not a particularly hot tomato or the kind of woman usually transported across state lines for immoral purposes. Attractive, fun, attentive and considerate, she is deeply committed to those she loves and that's one of the reasons this tears her apart, One of the things she loves about this man, after all, is the way he treats the ones to whom he is closest. Not her -- he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all -- but others. His real family, the inhabitants of his real life. If he were an emotional bully or an emotional slob, she wouldn't have been drawn to him in the first place. Those aspects of his life he betrays to be with her are the very parts of him she would never wish him to compromise. So she understands how divided he is, how he feels like a piece of meat being sliced up by a rusty knife, how he feels like he's drowning and suffocating and being eaten alive all at once. He, too, is a decent person, except for this business of loving someone he isn't supposed to love. Holidays are hard, but so is spring and so are winter nights, summer mornings and long, early-autumn afternoons. The phone is her lifeline and she has about 17 different ways of being reached in case some shard of time can be broken off and given to her. She'll take what she can get -- not in a way anyone would think of her, but in this case it's true. There are codes they use to communicate what can't be spoken or written; these were funny at first but over time they have be come as serious as a car crash. Maybe it ends when there is a car crash and they're in the front seat together, returning from a place where they never should have been, suddenly having to make up a series of lies to disguise what everybody around them now suspects is the truth. Even if they get away with it, the experience wrecks them, mangles what they had beyond recognition. Or, she goes to his kid's high school graduation ceremony and realizes that it's been 12 years already and that she could have had a kid herself by now, one in the sixth grade. Or it continues. Impossible nights, intolerable weekends, endless violations of everything she knows about how life should be lived, but they have loved each other for so long now, how can it stop? She starts to worry that he'll die of a heart attack and no one will tell her for days because why would anyone think to call and tell her an incidental piece of bad news about some guy she never knew very well? Or she starts to think about her own final moments. This is the worst. She can't believe this is her life. Nobody else would believe it either, even the man. It's a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody chooses it on purpose. This is not a defense of her: She knows better than you that what she's doing is indefensible. Don't ridicule her, and don't think you don't know her. You do. Link to post Share on other sites
IWALH Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Uggghhh...... I am so glad I am not her anymore...... so glad.... that situation was soooo depressing. His wife told me that it was going to happen to me one day (what he did to her)... especially if I keep "messing around with married men." But I NEVER ONCE messed around with a married man (or an attached man) before him. I thought I was smart enough not to ever. I was very adamant about NOT EVER doing ANYTHING with someone who had a significant other because of what my own mother was put through with my father. But, well... this article says it all.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahotmess Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 It feels soooo great not to be her anymore! But we learn from everything. Life just happens. I never thought I would be in the situation either. I risked friendships...sacrificed time with my family....and felt terrible for so long. I cried alot. I was a mess. I have become stronger. I can't tell you that if he contacted me at this point (since he's now divorced) that I would not fall back into the trap again. But I could say I'm 99% over it. I know how he is...not that he is a horrible person...he isn't and neither am I...but he has issues....and I am greatful that I am no longer involved. Time does help. The greatest healer! Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 It feels soooo great not to be her anymore! But we learn from everything. Life just happens. I never thought I would be in the situation either. I risked friendships...sacrificed time with my family....and felt terrible for so long. I cried alot. I was a mess. I have become stronger. As you said, great article, AHotMess. And it does make us exOW grateful that we are out of it! I can't tell you that if he contacted me at this point (since he's now divorced) that I would not fall back into the trap again. But I could say I'm 99% over it. I know how he is...not that he is a horrible person...he isn't and neither am I...but he has issues....and I am greatful that I am no longer involved. Time does help. The greatest healer! I agree. Well done you for moving on. Jeez, if my exMM turned up on my doorstep tomorrow telling me he had left his W and wanted to be with me I KNOW I would take him back like a shot! Guess I'm not quite over him yet. I just know that I would NEVER be his OW again! Still, this is pertty much unlikely to happen so I have to TRY and put it behind me and live my life without him. I feel 100% more positive than I did 12 months ago so things are improving every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahotmess Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 Wow PP...you've been broken up 12 months now? That's incredible! Things do improve every single day. I loved harder and hurt more than I ever have in my life. I would probably do anything for him if he was in need. But I would never be with him again. And am maintaining NC for my own sake. Once you have loved someone there is always a soft spot in your heart I guess. But he no longer has the power to make me cry. It is amazing! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 "One of the things she loves about this man, after all, is the way he treats the ones to whom he is closest." snickersnort... lying and cheating? Or the fact that this "decent man" will hang onto OW for his own selfish reasons. Even if it means that one day she wakes up "and realizes that it's been 12 years already and that she could have had a kid herself by now, one in the sixth grade." Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Wow PP...you've been broken up 12 months now? That's incredible! Things do improve every single day. I loved harder and hurt more than I ever have in my life. I would probably do anything for him if he was in need. But I would never be with him again. And am maintaining NC for my own sake. Once you have loved someone there is always a soft spot in your heart I guess. But he no longer has the power to make me cry. It is amazing! Yep, 12 long months, but guess I would've got over him a lot quicker if I hadn't maintained some form of contact throughout most of that time. It's only now that he's totally out of my life that things have started to improve. I DO cry over him occasionally but it's usually because something else has triggered it off and he's the one I want to turn to. I miss him and I often want to call him up to tell him something funny that has happened or just to see how he is but I know it would hurt too much. Like you, I will always be there for him but no WAY would I EVER be his OW again. Or anyone elses. We live and learn, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahotmess Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 but it's usually because something else has triggered it off and he's the one I want to turn to. I miss him and I often want to call him up to tell him something funny that has happened or just to see how he is but I know it would hurt too much. Like you, I will always be there for him but no WAY would I EVER be his OW again. Or anyone elses. We live and learn, huh? You took the words right out of my head! I miss being able to go to him and share all of the funny things that happen in my day. Or even the not so funny things. It's frustrating to have lost bond that we had...all of the inside jokes that no one understands. The worst is when I hear or see something that we used to joke about. I immediately reach for my phone to shoot him a text...and then I remember....but I dont cry anymore. And I'm hoping that just like my tears.....the "missing" will go away. Link to post Share on other sites
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