Finding my own closure... long update...

[IWALH]

I figured it was time for an update since I kind of left somewhat abruptly after xMM's W found this site and figured out who I was and all hell broke loose. Sure, I've made a few comments here and there, but I haven't told exactly what happened and what's been going on.

 

The last time I posted in one of my own threads I said that if he didn't call that night then it would all be over because then I would know what his true feelings were and that he was lying to me, etc. Well, he did call that night (the Wednesday before last), but that was the last time he called.

 

He called and sounded happy and normal and I called him back from my house phone since I didn't have many minutes left on my cell. He told me that his W was now checking all of his voicemails on his phone so I needed to be careful with what kind of messages I left. I asked him if he was happy that I canceled my class (I had enrolled in one summer class down here that ended in early August since he originally told me August was when he'd be getting the divorce... but he got upset that I didn't drop it after everything went down sooner than planned, so I dropped it for him... silly me) and he told me "Yes, I am very happy.." Here's the real kicker.... he told me that he was still denying the things that I talked about on this website to his wife and mother. He told me that he was going to tell them it was just some little fantasy thing I was acting out online!!! Because, yeah, it was my fantasy to have sex with him in the presence of (sleeping) children. It was my fantasy to have sex with him on his wife's birthday and the morning after she watched my child. All of the sick, twisted things I did because I loved him never really happened. They were all a fantasy. Yes, I might have some issues. I have dealt with serious depression and anxiety in the past and he certainly brought a lot of those issues to surface with the return of that "relationship." But I have NEVER LIED. I am not HIM. Okay, yes I lied by omission. Yes, I outright lied to her once because he begged me to. But it was so hard keeping everything from her the entire time we were carrying on. And, in the end, when push came to shove, I just couldn't hold it all in anymore. I felt a bond with her and I needed to tell her. Plus he told me that it DIDN'T MATTER what I told her now since it was definitely over between them. I didn't tell her everything (though she found out most of everything after reading this website), but I certainly couldn't keep it all inside after everything she was telling me and after I really did feel a kind of closeness towards her.... that, yes, is destroyed forever now. I HATE that he is making me out to be a psychotic liar. But, he has to do what he has to do.

 

Then again, I don't know if he has come clean by now. After he told me the aforementioned things he went on to tell me that he loves me and that he would come down and get me whenever I wanted him to and then he said he'd call me the next day. He never called again. And I never tried to call him. I figured if he was really "that into me" he would call me. If he really didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't. Yes, it would have been very tough for him financially and emotionally to be away from his kids.... but if he loved me as much as he claimed to then he would have at least called me. But he didn't. His true colors are now shining clearly and brightly.

 

After he never called that night I immediately knew what was up and knew it was completely over between the two of us forever. I knew he was probably on his knees, begging his wife to give him another chance... again. She told me a couple years ago that he was begging her to take him back and he told me he NEVER begged her to take him back. He told me a few weeks ago that if he really wanted to be with her, he could. I'm sure I've said it before, he is very good with his words. If he could pull one over on me and make me believe him (I am actually very very intelligent and it's extremely amazing what he did to me) then God knows what he has been saying to her for the past however many years to make her stay. That woman has stuck with him through so much sh*t, it's crazy. But... he's very good, very manipulative. Very smart when he wants something and he knows exactly what he needs to do in order to get it.

 

Here is my take on what is going on right now. She told him that if he wants to be with her he is going to have to go to rehab (for alcohol) and not drink anymore. And he's doing it. He blamed coke for his previous affair with me a few years ago (and went to rehab for it) and now he is playing the alcohol card. Who knows, maybe I am just a "drug induced" love interest. Nobody will ever know... but him. He's going to "get help" for his alcohol problem and then things are going to be on an even keel at home again. If he ever has another affair (and actually gets caught, remember, he was very good at keeping his previous affairs under wraps) I am sure he will then blame THAT one on weed... the last thing he has yet to give up.

 

Anyway, after he didn't call me that night I got online and signed up for my own cell phone service (I had been borrowing my stepfather's phone for about a year, haha). I tried to re-register for my summer class, but, unfortunately, it was too late. I received my phone last week and gave my stepdad his phone back (and told him anyone that calls that doesn't have my new number doesn't need it) and now I have a new phone/phone number. I also, just tonight, blocked both his and his wife's email addresses. I won't be signing onto the instant messenger service that he used to get on to IM me anymore. I am, once and for all, really breaking free of him forever. I have not ONCE tried to call or contact him in any way after our last conversation (even though he told me he LOVED me and said he'd call ME!!). I have been waking up to reality... for the first time in a long time. I never truly allowed myself to get over him completely because the contact was never TOTALLY stopped between us. He would send me these random messages asking me why I didn't just wait and blaming ME for things not working out between us (because I didn't have enough patience). Whatever. It's all complete Bullsh*t. I told him not to take me for a fool and he did. But, as I've said before: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.

 

I do not resent him. I do not have the extremely harsh feelings I had for him when this all happened the first time. I actually feel really sorry for him. If all of the things he was telling me about himself and his marriage were really true (if any of it was true) then he is a very sad person. I feel very sympathetic for him. I don't think he will ever be truly 100% happy with his life. And to be in your 40's and not know true happiness is just.... really sad. He has some serious, deep-rooted psychological problems that I don't think he could ever get help for. I truly believe he has anti-social personality disorder. He has pretty much EVERY single characteristic of that disease. Coupled with drug abuse (coke in the past, plus a few times since then, alcohol and weed). He is also a pathological liar. He's just a very sad person and I truly feel bad for him.

 

That being said, he is also not someone that I can allow in my daughter's life. Now that I am waking up and seeing him for who he really is I just cannot ever subject my daughter to that. I have already mentioned before that I don't even think he loves her... she doesn't deserve anything that he has to offer. He is not her daddy and he never will be. He is the man who contributed half of his genetic material to her. For that, I am grateful. She is a remarkably sweet, intelligent, beautiful little girl. I will not allow her to be jaded the way he has his other daughter. No way, never. I am not sure if I am going to go after him for child support yet. I have a friend who is talking to his lawyer for me tomorrow and then I will find out what my options are with that on Tuesday. If I can be sure that he is to in no way ever be around my daughter unsupervised then I will go after child support. But if it is going to jeopardize my full custody of her (and knowing that she is in a happy, safe, stable environment) then I am going to forget about it for the time being. I will, however, continue to send my little girl's siblings pictures of her every year. Their parents can choose to throw them away or not. But I do want her to at least have some sort of contact with them. They are her siblings by blood and always will be. I do not hate him at all... but I just don't think that he is or has been a fit parent and unless he gets intense in-patient hospitalized psychological treatment, he will never be. I CANNOT BELIEVE I almost moved my daughter up to live with him. I can't believe it. Thank goodness this all has happened the way it has happened. Thank God. That would have been the absolute worst parenting decision I could have EVER made for my daughter.

 

What am I doing now? Well, I registered for my fall classes. I am taking a FULL load (14 credit hours!) this fall and if I stay on track I should have my A.A. by next winter and after that I will be switching to a university to get my B.A. to become an elementary school teacher (with a minor in spanish). I filled out the FAFSA a month or so ago and just found out this week that I got the Pell Grant!! It is paying for my entire tuition PLUS my books and other related expenses. Which is absolutely FANTASTIC!!! I got a couple thousand back on my taxes this year and I put a little chunk of it plus my daughter's birthday money into a savings account that I just opened up for her last week (so far there is $1,000 in it, not bad!). Next week I am going to also be opening up a Roth IRA for myself so I can start saving for my future retirement. The rest of my tax money is going to bills. I've also been scrapbooking more again (I became lax on that for a while because I was getting more and more stressed out) and just doing all the things I put on hold for a while because of my constant worry about the xMM situation.

 

The biggest thing that I have been doing, though, is getting back into my religion. I have always been a Christian. I have definitely strayed from my faith and for that I have felt so bad and guilty and just WRONG on so many different levels. I used to have a really strong relationship with God and throughout the course of my relationship with xMM that relationship has gotten so distant and almost not there... because of me. The more I got involved with xMM the more I pushed Him (God) away. Now that xMM is definitely out of my life, I have been praying again, reading my Bible, going to church and let me tell you, I feel better and more at peace than I have felt in SO LONG!!! I felt pretty peaceful for a while after my daughter was born but that peace was disrupted after I saw him last November and started talking to him again and then after I slept with him again it was gone. I felt no peace and was constantly on edge and just not feeling good about myself at all. I am so glad to finally be on the right path again.

 

As for his wife, I have not heard from her since her last email that last Wednesday night. When she called me a tigress and all that. And I won't be hearing from her again since I have changed my number and blocked their emails. I don't think I could ever talk to her again anyway. She obviously hates me with a passion now... While she was definitely justified in saying some of the things she said to me, it still was just.... so awful. She accused me of trying to get pregnant again since she 'knew' we didn't use condoms when we had sex. I learned my lesson once. I started on the mini-pill back in April. No, the mini-pill isn't as effective as the regular birth control pill, but I could only take a progesterone only pill since I was(am) still breastfeeding (I stopped taking them last week, though!). She freaked me out when she said that and I took a pregnancy test just to be sure and it, thankfully, came out negative. But still, I wasn't TRYING to get pregnant. She also told me I was "sick" because I never referred to him and I as "making love" on these boards. Then SHE kept referring to us having sex as "f*cking" which REALLY upset me. NO, I didn't call it "making love." But I certainly didn't consider it "F*cking!" That really really hurt my feelings.... but, I know I deserved it. Ugh... I don't even want to talk about this stuff anymore... it just upsets me.

 

I really am doing very well. Of course I still love him and a part of me always WILL love him because of the precious gift he gave me. Sometimes when I look at my daughter I see him so much in her... That doesn't mean I believe anything he ever said to me and that doesn't mean I want to ever see him again. But a part of me will always love him. I can, however, definitely say that I will never get involved with him again under any circumstances. If he came to my door 10 years from now with divorce papers in hand and I was still single I wouldn't answer the door. I do not want anything to do with him ever again. That's not the kind of person I can allow into my life and especially not into my daughter's life. So while I do still love him, I know I can never ever see him again.

 

No, he never gave me the closure I wanted. He didn't before and he hasn't since. I will never get that closure from him. So I am making my OWN closure. And so far, I seem to be succeeding pretty well.

[Onelife]

Well done! I am so happy for you that you are making your own closure. You are very strong and very intelligent. You will definitely make it!!! Better without him! Good for you and good for your daughter!

 

Kudos to you!

[IWALH]

Well done! I am so happy for you that you are making your own closure. You are very strong and very intelligent. You will definitely make it!!! Better without him! Good for you and good for your daughter!

 

Kudos to you!

 

Thank you so much!!! I am very happy with how things are going.

 

I do feel kind of down about the title of this post, though. I should have posted it as "Making my own closure" instead of "Finding." Finding isn't exactly grammatically correct and I am a stickler about grammar and spelling most of the time.... haha.

[SoxPrincess]

What a wonderful update IWALH!! You're doing an incredible job, not just for you but for your daughter too. Keep on doing what you're doing and stay strong, we're all proud of you (((HUGS)))

[NoIDidn't]

IWALH

 

You sound like you are doing great. Sometimes it takes ugly and painful experiences to make us move forward. Glad you are using this time for personal growth and future financial enrichment.

 

Good hearing from you.

[Melissa277]

IWALH, like I told you before, you sound like a totally different person ... definitely in a good way! You just sound so much happier ... . All this talk about going back to school has gotten me thinking about doing the same. Thanx!

 

Melissa

[greengoddess]

amazing absolutely amazing. You are all aplauding her for moving on after she was thrown totally under the bus and his wife was totally lied to.

 

This is a woman who had sex in the same room as wife and children while they were sleeping.

 

This post is not for us. It is not intended toward us. It is a carefully written slap in the bw's face. First to tell her that yes I did sleep with him and all the stories I told on here were TRUE your husband is a liar. Then she goes on to tell how successful she plans to be and then continues with the grand ending basicallythat her husband is a piece of crap and I'm glad you are stuck with him.

 

This was in no way a feel good moving on post. It had purpose and a target to hurt and marriage to destroy even more while they are trying to make repairs.

 

I hope you are proud of yourself.

 

If you were really finding closure and moving on with your life you would not feel the need to post this slap in the face towards him and his wife oh and of course the little lawsuit threat too. Oh and the other slap that he's good enough to be a sperm donor and sleep with but not good enough to be a daddy.

[IWALH]

amazing absolutely amazing. You are all aplauding her for moving on after she was thrown totally under the bus and his wife was totally lied to.

 

This is a woman who had sex in the same room as wife and children while they were sleeping.

 

This post is not for us. It is not intended toward us. It is a carefully written slap in the bw's face. First to tell her that yes I did sleep with him and all the stories I told on here were TRUE your husband is a liar. Then she goes on to tell how successful she plans to be and then continues with the grand ending basicallythat her husband is a piece of crap and I'm glad you are stuck with him.

 

This was in no way a feel good moving on post. It had purpose and a target to hurt and marriage to destroy even more while they are trying to make repairs.

 

I hope you are proud of yourself.

 

If you were really finding closure and moving on with your life you would not feel the need to post this slap in the face towards him and his wife oh and of course the little lawsuit threat too. Oh and the other slap that he's good enough to be a sperm donor and sleep with but not good enough to be a daddy.

 

 

I am very sorry that is how you saw this post, but those were truly not my intentions at all. If they really are working on their marriage then I doubt either one of them would be reading these boards anymore. If they are and I did come across that way then I sincerely apologize.

 

I don't consider myself as "thrown under the bus" and I wasn't trying to throw anything in her face. I actually did write his W a long long letter explaining the truth about everything and apologizing again for my actions in the past but then I deleted it and never sent it because I didn't see what it would help. I have been writing about my situation on these boards ever since the whole thing started 2 years ago and I am not going to stop because she could possibly be reading what I have to say. I wrote what was left to write.. this was a moving on post. Again, I am sorry that you interpreted it differently.

 

And I am becoming very successful and so much happier with my life. If that is a "slap in the face" to the BW then, well, I don't see how it can be. I am just saying that I have finally opened my eyes and I am seeing clearly and I am moving in a VERY positive direction with my life. I am going back to school full time, bettering my relationship with the Lord and just finally taking steps in the right direction. I've been in the darkness for so long and I am proud to finally be back in the light again.

 

I am not proud of myself for my behavior in the past, no. But I am proud of myself for actually moving on with my life and not looking back at things negatively. I am not trying to hurt their marriage any further than I have already hurt it. Which is why I have made it basically impossible for either of them to contact me now and haven't made ANY attempts on my part to contact either of them.

 

And I never said he was good enough to be a "sperm donor." Yes, I am very thankful for him giving me my daughter, yes I am ashamed that I slept with him because he was married. No, he has never been a good father to my daughter and he isn't the kind of man that can be a good daddy to her. I wasn't trying to slap anybody in the face, that's just the truth. I never ever threatened a lawsuit. I am a single mother and deserving of child support (I have never received nor asked for a dime from him). But if getting child support is going to jeopardize the well-being of my daughter then I will forfeit that right.

 

Again, my intentions were not to slap anybody in the face or hurt/upset anyone. I just wanted to write an update like I've been doing on this website for years. I am not going to censor myself now and quit getting encouragement and support from the people I have been talking to on here. I am sorry that you misinterpreted me. Truly.

[IWALH]

IWALH, like I told you before, you sound like a totally different person ... definitely in a good way! You just sound so much happier ... . All this talk about going back to school has gotten me thinking about doing the same. Thanx!

 

Melissa

 

 

I definitely am a lot happier. It's amazing what clarity can do for a person! I've been in and out of school since I graduated high school several years ago, but I haven't taken a full load of courses since I was in high school! I am finally getting back into it full time so I can get a degree and a great job!! Then I can finally live on my own independently away from my mom, haha. She's awesome, but I'd love to have my own place.

 

I am so glad I inspired you to do the same!! Let me know how it goes!!!

[NoIDidn't]

This post is not for us. It is not intended toward us. It is a carefully written slap in the bw's face. First to tell her that yes I did sleep with him and all the stories I told on here were TRUE your husband is a liar. Then she goes on to tell how successful she plans to be and then continues with the grand ending basicallythat her husband is a piece of crap and I'm glad you are stuck with him.

 

This was in no way a feel good moving on post. It had purpose and a target to hurt and marriage to destroy even more while they are trying to make repairs.

 

I can certainly see how you could come to this conclusion, but I don't think that is what IWALH's goal was. I too think that his W is possibly still reading here, but if so, she is punishing herself while also informing herself - a two-edged sword if you will.

 

Maybe my BS (bullsh*t) radar is still busted, but I really feel that IWALH is finally moving on. The time spent away while on vacation seemed to have given her the chance to emotionally move away from him and look at things more clearly.

 

I have to say, she no longer sounds like a love junkie. She sounded totally addicted to this man previously. Now, with a clear head, she doesn't sound like she's full of hate or trying to find ways to be vindictive at all.

 

Having BEEN a BS myself, I just don't hear it in her. And also, having been a bs, I also know how painful it is to be left with a cheating spouse and not know up from down anymore hoping that the OW is truly gone from my M. Not knowing what will become of my M. Not knowing if I even want to stay in my M. But watching the OW that helped my H hurt me so deeply seem like she is just walking away into the sunset.

 

Truth is, no one walks away into the sunset with this kind of ending. If his W is still reading, I hope she knows that. I truly believe that IWALH is repentant and sorry for all that has gone down. It won't make the hurt go away or undo anything that was done, but it may help everyone involved to move on.

[cbl]

I can certainly see how you could come to this conclusion, but I don't think that is what IWALH's goal was. I too think that his W is possibly still reading here, but if so, she is punishing herself while also informing herself - a two-edged sword if you will.

 

Maybe my BS (bullsh*t) radar is still busted, but I really feel that IWALH is finally moving on. The time spent away while on vacation seemed to have given her the chance to emotionally move away from him and look at things more clearly.

 

I totally agree NID

 

Way to go IWALH. Nothing is in the world is more important than making yourself and your daughter happy.

 

When my xMM's W contacted me again nearly two months after the last D day (well, with a strange girl's email account as she did not want to stoop to my level - her words), she asked me for "an update". She wanted to know what's been going on between me and her husband. Throughout the whole email, she was still calling me every name in the book. Truth is, nothing happened. I just moved on and I was/am happily dating a great man who couldn't wait to show me the whole world. I was under no obligation to "update her" but I did anyway. I wanted her to have peace of mind (I know at least I owe her that) even though deep down I know, staying with a serial cheater like my xMM, she will never have peace of mind as long as she's married to him. But I bear the consequences for the bad choice I made back then, without ever getting a closure from my xMM - and she will do the same for her own choice. Sending me that email two months after our affair ended tells me something.

 

Good for you IWALH. Hang in there.

[endless]

amazing absolutely amazing. You are all aplauding her for moving on after she was thrown totally under the bus and his wife was totally lied to.

 

This is a woman who had sex in the same room as wife and children while they were sleeping.

 

This post is not for us. It is not intended toward us. It is a carefully written slap in the bw's face. First to tell her that yes I did sleep with him and all the stories I told on here were TRUE your husband is a liar. Then she goes on to tell how successful she plans to be and then continues with the grand ending basicallythat her husband is a piece of crap and I'm glad you are stuck with him.

 

This was in no way a feel good moving on post. It had purpose and a target to hurt and marriage to destroy even more while they are trying to make repairs.

 

I hope you are proud of yourself.

 

If you were really finding closure and moving on with your life you would not feel the need to post this slap in the face towards him and his wife oh and of course the little lawsuit threat too. Oh and the other slap that he's good enough to be a sperm donor and sleep with but not good enough to be a daddy.

 

Why being so discouraging and pessimistic???

Souldn't we applaud the person who is willing to rise up? Regardless of that past, as long as the person has learned from it and will not commit the same action again?

What good will come out of putting people down and make she feel even worse than what she already feel?

 

IWALH, keep on doing the good thing for yourself! Keep updating! Don't let anyone stop you for being happy the way you are!

[whichwayisup]

Glad to hear you're doing well and working on getting closure on your own.

 

Put you and your daughter first, you'll never go wrong!