Friends with married lady: need more support

[rockon]

Hi,

 

Here is the story bullet points to make this easier/quicker for you guys to read:

• She said she was going through a divorce
  
• We became good friends but no benefits (we didnt screw each other). Emotional bonds, chat online every day.. call once in a blue moon.
  
• She started acting funny towards me as she was getting back with her ex
  
• She is now back with her ex and tells me the divorce might not of been finalized. She still wants to be friends.
  
• We email each other every day, emotional bond maybe? I don't know.

That was the story from my last thread... and everyone told me to drop her. Well I was thinking, maybe I could be friends with her even though shes married? I think you guys talked to me about boundries so I started to ask about it. Her responses:

• i asked if i had to be friends with her ex and she said "no.. but it may be cool if you could in the future (laughing)".
  
• i said it would feel weird and she said "don't let it" "hes easy going to a point" "takes a lot to aggraviate him"
  
• i asked if it was weird to flirt and she said "its fine, no offense unless i actually say it is"
  
• "your fine and he knows about you" .. i asked what does he know about me? "knows your my friend... and thats enough for him not to have a problem"

so can i be friends with her or does it sound like shes playing with me? I can be just friends.. i dont have that big of a crush but i just don't want to piss a man off.. chances are he really doesn't care if i am flirty with her and email her daily?

 

her relationship is just, she tells me she was with him so long and she treated him bad so he fought for her for a year and now hes back in her life because she loves him. she also told me that its not easy to be her friend and that its very very hard for her to love too.. but since shes been with him so long, she wants to stay.

 

does this all seem weird? i really care about this one but i didn't really want to get involved in other marriages.. i thought she was divorced.. maybe she lied to me and it was never even a divorce at all?

 

she knows im not strong so she keeps me hanging around by a string.. like she knows i had a strong crush on her.. can't she just tell me no instead of making me walk away? i dont like walking away. what if he hurts her or she leaves him again? i wont be there for her..

 

i just want to be there for her but i dont want to be a third party. she told me its ok to flirt but i feel sick now everytime i tell her shes sweet or whatever it is i say

[Tony T]

Don't lie to yourself. You want to be MORE than friends with this lady. That's not possible, now or in the future. Get off of it. Be straight with yourself and learn to be dead honest with yourself at all times....and be honest with us here on this board. My computer is programmed with a BS meter and it went through the roof when it scanned your post.

 

A guy who just wants to be friends with a female doesn't write her everyday and obsess with just how he can proceed with a friendship, especially if she is MARRIED. Besides, your post oozes with inferences of wanting more. So you thought she was going to get a divorce...OK. She's not, at least not now. Back off and let her alone. She can get her support from professionals and from her own circle of friends. Do you possibly think she'd want something to do with someone who doesn't understand or respect what she's going through now?

 

You can find excellent companionship from a circle of women who are free, without baggage and who aren't going through emotionally troubled times. If you care for this lady at all, you will get out of her life. Somebody like you on the periphery while she is struggling with her own relationship and future make things a LOT more difficult for her.

 

Resolve today to be honest with yourself in every way. Besides, married women seldom make more than just good acquaintances with a single man. They're in a much different world and they truly don't want their husbands wondering what the hell is going on. And, yeah right, if you try to become friends with her husband he's going to wonder what kind of goof you are and what the hell is going on. It's just not a practical thing.

 

If you had been friends with her before she met her husband, it would be a much different story. Even then, you would have to respect her boundaries and back off significantly.

 

Read this post several times until it sinks in. Good luck to you!

[Trialbyfire]

"your fine and he knows about you" .. i asked what does he know about me? "knows your my friend... and thats enough for him not to have a problem"

Read between the lines. He knows about you but hasn't got a clue about the more important aspects of your emotional affair. Back off or she will continue to string you along like a goat to slaughter.

[johan]

You have a chance, every time you think about this woman to take control of your life and do the right thing. Instead you let her be in control and your heart gets abused.

 

The right thing to do is to let her have her marriage in peace. Respect her marriage and don't try to be friends. Friends isn't what you want, and you and she both know it. Why she'd ever let you hover around on the boundaries of what should be a happy relationship is a mystery to me. But the fact that she does doesn't change the fact that you should assume it's a blissful union, and you should respect it.

 

So take control, and do the right thing for yourself. It's your happiness and emotional health you're putting on the line. The only one who is going to look out for those things is you. Let her go and associate with women who are actually available to you.

[EnigmaXOXO]

As my best guy friend and partner would say:

 

“You’re her d*ck in a glass jar. Break only in case of emergency.”

 

But I guarantee, she’ll have no qualms about breaking your heart as well. You’ll be her passive-aggressive “payback” the next time she gets frustrated with her husband. Nothing but a trump card in her back pocket that she’ll use as “jealousy bait” the next time she feels the need to inspire a little dramatic attention from her oh-so-nonchalant and ambivalent husband.

 

And if you don’t trust the perspective of another female ... than at least heed the warnings from your fellow males. They know exactly what they’re talking about!

[empty906]

Rockon,

 

I have recently finished dealing with what you are describing about taking the relationship down a few notches and trying to be 'friends'. Like the others have said, it CANNOT work this way. It doesn't end up like you have planned it out in your head. It never does...

 

She has faced a decision similar to yours already and she didn't let you in on it. She had to face her husband coming back into her life and what to do with her boyfriend. She thought long and hard and choose her husband. He's back now.

 

When dealing with the lose of you she found that you are willing to take the backseat and wait on her so whenever she is ready to give you attention you will make yourself available. That isn't what you are wanting. You are wanting things to stay the same, just change what you are calling it.

 

You will be giving her COMPLETE control over your emotions and life. When she gives you attention you will be on top of the world and she can do no wrong. When she is with her husband you will sit and wait for her, wishing it was more. Sounds more like a neglected dog stuck out in a pen in the backyard than a friendship. And you will wag and wag whenever she walks near you.

 

The relationship should be equal giving, has to be. Both of you must give 100% for things to last and for the relationship to mature and be a healthy one. The way it is looking now, you are doing all the giving now. Not healthy and it will not live long like this. It's over now. She made her choice, you should make yours now.