I decided to go on...

[confused75]

I've been emotionally involved with this guy for the past 1 year. it's been exactly one year. In December he started his process of breaking up with his live-in girlfriend. She did not want to give up. She even asked him to leave me because she was the love of his life. He never left me. I was always the one getting away.

 

I gave him an opportunity many times to just be friends so that they could work their relationship out but he kept always coming to me telling me that I was the love of his life and that he could not live without me... that I was everything for him... etc...etc...etc... It's been 6 months since he's been breaking up. I know that he loves me but at this time I am starting to think that he'll never really have a courage to end it because she does not want to give up and because just yesterday he told me that he loves me to death but what's blocking him from ending it with her sharply (because she won't let him go)is that he's affraid of hurting her cause she's crying all the time and even threatening suicide. I love him. But I am trying to come to grips with the reality. I think at this point that he'll never leave her. and that time has come for me to move on and leave behind this painful experience. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes I am feeling awful because I am feeling that if I left him in the most difficult time of his life, whe he needs me the most, when he's trying to end his relationship with this girl. But another part of my heart is telling me that I've already done for him everything I could, that I've already given him everything I could and I should just move on and think of my future.

[dignityback]

Confused,

Sounds to me like you should back off and give him some space.

There is nothing more you can do; it is down to him now.

Make it clear that you don't want to be second best any longer but if he decides to stay with her, then that is fine but you are moving on with your life.

As long as you are in the frame, he won't make a choice because he doesn't have to. It stops him dealing with the real issue because he has 2 women.

You are better off away from the drama and a girlfriend who is seriously threatening suicide should be his responsibility and he needs to deal with it WITHOUT you in the picture. This is the trouble with affairs; there is always so much hurt involved.

[frannie]

Hmm well, this whole girlfriend threatening suicide thing is something that's well worth avoiding. I know people get suicidal, and that's not at all nice, but staying involved with someone because of that isn't a great situation to be in... it's all very codependent and to be honest the way you're talking smacks of that too... no, you can't help him. It's not your job to be with him or save him.

 

Secondly his cries of you're the love of his life, he loves you to death, etc. etc. etc.... that's not particularly great either if you ask me.. I know it sounds very romantic in one sense, but it is also kind of creepy and over-emotional.

 

It's HIS choice, decision, etc. to do what he must or needs or wants to do in his life, difficult girlfriend or not. If he can't do that then appeals to you that you're the love of his life and so on are just so many words... WHAT exactly is he offering you..? A supporting role in his big drama..?

 

Of course you're right to move on and leave him to it... thank good fortune or whoever for your gut feeling on this one.

[norajane]

he told me that he loves me to death but what's blocking him from ending it with her sharply (because she won't let him go)is that he's affraid of hurting her

 

Um, yeah, then he's not afraid of hurting you? Or losing you altogether? Are you sure he even told her he wants to break up? How do you know? How do you know she even knows about you?

 

 

You are doing the right thing. If he can't break up with her in 6 months - or the year that he's been seeing you on the side - that's 6 months to a year too long.

[confused75]

Thanks to all of you who responded. You don't know how much your input is helping me out. I have always been too much of a giving person and it's always difficult for me to think of me before thinking of others. I think he's just taken an advantage of this. As much as it hurts to admit, I know that you're all saying the right thing. I've thought of these exactly same things for many months now. Inside me, many times, have I questioned how important I really was to him considering that for 6 months he's done nothing else than giving me promised and holding me tight next to him by filling me with these empty words and expectations.

 

It's been 3 days not since I've beeing trying to go on... and the more I think of the situation, the more I know that I am doing the right thing. Why is it the person that always told me that I was the most important thing of his life never had enough guts to act in the same way? The more time goes by the more I understand that I don't have anything to get out of this situation because the distance between the words and actions is becoming more and more accentuated and I deserve better. I sacrificed my own happiness just to be by his side because I thought he needed me... I feel sorry for this girl as well. But I guess you're right that we've both been manipulated.

 

I saw him a couple of days back. And I hated what he told me. He told me as usual that I was the most important thing for him but that by my decision and actions I was putting him against the wall and that I was refusing him my friendship in the most difficult time of his life. And when he said this it dawned on me: gosh, is it possible for him to ever be less egoist than this? I told him how much pain he's given me and all he can think of is himself? Maybe, I was just wrong about the whole situation altogether. Maybe, there was never all the love, devotion, care that I thought was there. I've always put him before my own emotions, hurt, needs and this is what he's telling me when for the first time I am really deciding to think of myself?

 

Thanks a lot. you've all helped me a great deal.

[norajane]

And when he said this it dawned on me: gosh, is it possible for him to ever be less egoist than this? I told him how much pain he's given me and all he can think of is himself? Maybe, I was just wrong about the whole situation altogether. Maybe, there was never all the love, devotion, care that I thought was there. I've always put him before my own emotions, hurt, needs and this is what he's telling me when for the first time I am really deciding to think of myself?

 

Keep this in mind when you waver and think about missing him - his ego isn't going to get any smaller any time soon.

 

And good for you - you're seeing what he's really about, and finally are putting yourself first!

 

Good luck to you.