Where do I start - hopeless crush or more?

[SARose61]

I had a hard time figuring out which forum to post this on. I decided to post it here because I am married. My marriage isn't the best in the world. We pretty much exist in separate worlds. Biggest problem is that I feel extremely let down, when we met my husband went through a lot of motions before we got married, attended special classes to be confirmed so we could have a church wedding. He knew my involvement in church was my greatest joy. After we married, he changed careers and works a very stressful job at night. I also did some soul searching and decided to attend a different church. My husband uses his night job and the church change as justification for no longer attending church not even on his days off. We spend very little time together because I work days and he works nights. I have tried to tell him that it feels like we are growing apart. He says I am a typical woman over reacting and that I just need to understand that things have to be the way they are.

 

I have developed this obcessive crush on one of the deacons from my church. It all started with a very innocent hug on new years eve. We were walking towards our cars after a church service and he wished me a Happy New Year and proceeded to give me a very VERY strong hug like he didn't want to let go. Since then there exists this kind of electricity between us. I catch him glancing my way during services etc. I have since become like a giddy high schooler with my 1st crush. Through mutual acquaintences I have found out a lot about him. He is a widower, he has been alone about 9 years. He is involved in a lot of the church groups and activities that have always been my favorites. I would really like to get to know him better, but I feel like I am doing something very wrong because I am married and because beyond a doubt my attraction (and I suspect his also) is beyond an innocent one. <sigh>. Even if I were to decide to persue this I dont even have a clue how to approach him.

 

I catch myself thinking about this man a lot even to the point of fantasizing about what married life to him would be like.

 

I should say that even if I tried to get to know him better, even if I divorced. A relationship could not go beyond friendship. A catholic widowed deacon is not permitted to remarry.

[Mustang Sally]

Well, first off, let me say that I, for one, do not think you are bad or abnormal in anyway for having crush-like feelings about someone other than the person you are married to. Especially if the M has issues.

 

But, and I'm sure you will get other opinions and advice that are more wise than me, it doesn't sound like ANYTHING good can come of this. I mean, even besides the fact that you are married (which, of course is no small problem). You said yourself that you two could never be together because of this man's position in the church, right? So, painful as it may be, I think the best thing to do is to stop contact with him - stop the activities that you have in common, I guess it could even come to the point that you even went to a different church? You would know how plausible it is that you two not interact together in your current church.

 

Good luck, and keep posting. Again, I'm sure you will get more good advice here.

[quankanne]

ooh ... that's a pretty heavy load to carry. However, it sounds like you're pretty well grounded in reality about his circumstances and your own, so I'm guessing it's safe to say that it will prolly remain a harmless crush on your end, and nothing to punish yourself over as long as you accept that nothing can come of it because of your vocations in life.

 

I'm more concerned would be about your marriage: Would your husband consider a Marriage Encounter weekend? It's a huge commitment, but it might go a long way in helping you learn how to communicate effectively with each other. Because no one, NO ONE should be forced to feel that their concern over their relationship is "over reacting" nor should they should remain in an unhappy flux when there's means to improve the situation. However, it's a hard sell to a partner that would rather bury his/her head in the sand when it comes to addressing the relationship.

 

I imagine your attraction to the widowed deacon is more of a defense mechanism thingy in that he's someone "safe" who shares the same faith you do and who makes you feel good about yourself, whereas your husband cannot see past the drudgery created by his hectic job and his response to it.

 

I still have dreams about a classmate I had a crush on in high school that leave me with longing. A friend and I talked about it, and she said that even though I was relatively happy with DH, those dreams about this particular guy was me looking for perfection in someone – that my classmate was a good Catholic farmboy who I idealized whenever I was unhappy with something my husband did or said.

 

it makes a certain sense, because when we get angry or upset with the ones we love, our natural tendency is to idealize another because they have those qualities we want our loved ones to have. :eek:

[Storyrider]

Just curious to OP or Quankanne, why is a widowed Catholic Deacon not permitted to remarry?

 

What is the reasoning behind that? Deacons aren't required to be celibate, obviously. And to my understanding, Catholics view death as a permanent parting of the two souls joined by marriage.

[SARose61]

A married Catholic Man can become a deacon in which case of course he is not required to be celibate. However if a single catholic man becomes a deacon he takes a vow of celibacy. Likewise a widowed Catholic Deacon also assumes the vow of celibacy upon his wifes death and is only permitted to remarry under extreme circumstances one of those being if he has young children that would be in need of a mother. A single or widowed deacon for all intensive purposes can aspire to continue in his vocation and become a priest which requires the vow of celibacy.

 

Just curious to OP or Quankanne, why is a widowed Catholic Deacon not permitted to remarry?

 

What is the reasoning behind that? Deacons aren't required to be celibate, obviously. And to my understanding, Catholics view death as a permanent parting of the two souls joined by marriage.

[Storyrider]

A married Catholic Man can become a deacon in which case of course he is not required to be celibate. However if a single catholic man becomes a deacon he takes a vow of celibacy. Likewise a widowed Catholic Deacon also assumes the vow of celibacy upon his wifes death and is only permitted to remarry under extreme circumstances one of those being if he has young children that would be in need of a mother. A single or widowed deacon for all intensive purposes can aspire to continue in his vocation and become a priest which requires the vow of celibacy.

 

OK. Interesting, I didn't know that.

[SARose61]

Ah most definetly what I'm doing here is idealizing this deacon. <sigh>.

 

The most basic truth in my situation is that unfortunately my husband and I were brought up differently. Church was my life growing up and it still is. I think my husband honestly gave it a go, while we were engaged. I think he'd go to an encounter weekened but only to make me happy. It is sad that I cant even share church stories with my husband,he gets bored and changes the subject.

 

You are very right, at most this can only remain a crush, filled with the deepest sense of admiration and a hint of lust I really needed someone to tell me that. THANKS!

 

ooh ... that's a pretty heavy load to carry. it makes a certain sense, because when we get angry or upset with the ones we love, our natural tendency is to idealize another because they have those qualities we want our loved ones to have. :eek:

[SARose61]

I wanted to make one more comment. My attraction at this point has a lot to do with the element of uncertainty. Is he or isn't he attracted to me like I'm attracted to him. As I said, he looks at me, I've caught him glancing back at me as I am leaving. Even my daughter mentioned that she thinks "the deacon" likes me. Without her even knowing about the hug etc.

 

Just like a school girl, sigh I want to know am I imagining things or is he attracted. But it could be a dangerous thing to try and find out.

 

At this point, we are not involved in any activites together other than I sing at one of the services that he concelebrates. He sits directly across from me during the service.

 

I'm thinking it is probably best if I never try to find out.

 

Well, first off, let me say that I, for one, do not think you are bad or abnormal in anyway for having crush-like feelings about someone other than the person you are married to. Especially if the M has issues.

You would know how plausible it is that you two not interact together in your current church.

 

Good luck, and keep posting. Again, I'm sure you will get more good advice here.

[Mustang Sally]

At this point, we are not involved in any activites together other than I sing at one of the services that he concelebrates. He sits directly across from me during the service.

Oh! Ok, well then that is good that you don't have to work together on committees, or what not. I wasn't sure about the extent of your contact on a regular basis. This may make it more convenient for you to "move on" so to speak.

 

And, FWIW, I know exactly what you mean about the wondering (does he, doesn't he) and feeling like a schoolgirl. I agree with Quann, sounds like you are very grounded, and will make good decisions in this situation.

 

I too, have a friend who told me that this kind of "crush" might be a mind-trinket for you to turn over and over because your own M is having difficulty. It gives you a happy place, in a way, where you feel good about yourself (albeit action would inevitably lead to heartache) as opposed to an unhappy M....Just some food for thought.