kkat Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Many of you know my story, but I haven't posted in months so I am sure there are alot of new people here. Summary: -Meet a MM, let's call him T, when I was in my 20s, young, and beautiful -Refused to have a relationship with any MM -T left his wife and children abruptly when I made it clear I wouldn't have an affair -T and I lived together for over a year while T "pursued" his divorce and had what I thought was an idyliic love affair. T professed (and until last week continued to do so) that I was the love of his life. Our relationship was front and center, his family and friends knew me, kids spent weekends w/ us, etc. -T started dragging his feet on the divorce, I moved out and back into my own apartment -We stayed together for another 2 years while T "pursued" divorce -Money got tight for T, he lost his business and went back home to his wife, who had never stopped begging him to come home -I stayed away from T for seven years, despite his efforts to connect with me -At a weak moment, I started speaking to T again about 3.5 years ago -T told me he was getting a divorce, still in love w/ me, wanted to marry me and have children with me -Ultimately, he convinced me this was true and I stupidly got involved with T again -About a year ago after several stop/starts with T, I starting healing and taking responsibility for my own choices in getting involved with him, etc. -T continued to pursue a "friendship" with me and I remained in an EA/friendship with him = primarily loads of phone contact and him buying me lots of expensive gifts and also doing loads of "favors" for me - picking up odd things I needed at the store, paying for all of my pet food and delivering it to my house, little things that took lots of his time and/or some money. This was a behavior of his throughout our entire relationship, both during the PA and after the sex stopped. -I realized I needed to cut a stronger break with him and starting cutting him out bit by bit - not answering the phone, never being available to meet him for a drink or dinner, etc. -T's temper (a long time problem with others but not always with me) had started to get worse and worse. I began to set stronger boundaries and refused to speak to T when he was emotionally abusive. He began to exhibit other, worsening signs of mental issues. -T continued to call me constantly, buy me gifts, show up unannounced, and profess his love for me -T got upset over a problem at work a few weeks ago, called me and became abusive to me on the phone, I hung up. T kept calling back and then threatened to kill me and my little dog. -I called T's adult adopted son and told him that I felt T was having a breakdown and that I couldn't continue to be exposed to T's temper etc., that I felt unsafe and was planning to call the police. -T's son stated that T had always been a jerk, that he and his brothers hate T's behavior, that T had been unhappy since he lost ME years ago -T's son stated further that his mother (T's wife) suspects that T is involved with me again but focuses on denial -T's son asked me if his T did divorce would I be WILLING to marry T and I said ABSOLUTELY not - T is not well, I want to have a child, and would not be willing to have a child with him, biologically or otherwise, I am seeing someone else, which is irrelevant, but no, no, no, and I have told your father that - I would like to be friendly with him if he were healthy, but no way would I be with him romantically again, no -Well, apparently T and the son had a confrontation over the last couple of days and T's son spilled the beans, and in turn, T had to fess up to his wife -However, T edited the story to be that I HAVE BEEN PURSUING HIM FOR SEVERAL YEARS AND THAT I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM, etc. etc. (you get the pic) -T called me from his house, with his wife, this morning and left me a message saying "Listen, you know I love my wife, we love each other, we are committed to each other, please leave me alone, please stop pursuing me, please stop calling me" etc. etc. etc. Friends of LS - I could read back over the past 3 years and find wise postings from people on here who tried to help me by telling me -He would never leave his wife (sidebar here I am obviously so glad he didn't) -That he was a pathological liar -That his wife likely knew and was in denial -That if she were faced with the facts she would still stay with him -That I would be made the villian I have come full circle to something I noticed three years ago: These relationships happen MOST OFTEN (not always but most often) to people who: -have a deep seeded fear of intimacy and commitment (I absolutely did - he was the "perfect" man for me because he was unavailable -have some self-esteem issues - I felt I couldn't get a perfect man because I felt fat and he thought I was the sexiest thing on earth -people who may be or become "love addicts" and who thrive on the drama of the cycle and/or feel desperate about "losing" the relationship with the MM even though they are themselves not emotionally available nor is the MM available. The most positive thing of this: -I am not married to this man -I am free of him finally -I didn't get physically harmed by him other than the lines on my face from the years of sadness -If I never find love again I am better off than being in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person -I have a love for myself, and others, and a commitment to my health and spirituality, that I have nurtured over the past couple of years to the point that today's phone call caused me to take a nap but no tears, just gratitude to the universe Thank you to everyone who tried to help me, and who supported me while I went through this, and of course, thanks in advance for any comments or advice. Sorry for the long post... Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 thanks for insightful post kkat I am on the tail end of my affair and it sucks. any one in a affair needs to see there is no happy ending for anyone ever..someone will get hurt and it's usually the OP. I think I'm the MW from hell with my MM, I cause him triggers,I mess with his brain..I lie and everything else..I'm not a nice person. in the same token neither is he..the only good people in my affair are the innocent people we are hurting..they don't know why we are neglectful and selfish and it's our fault. I hope everyone can learn from your post, but I know I wouldn't have listened but if your posts helps one OW/OM then it defiantly was worth your time kkat Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I'm glad things have worked out for you, but I'm sorry for the pain and drama you've spent so many years in. I hope you'll print your post out and refer to it during weak moments. You've come a long way! Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 way to go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Joelle Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Thanks for sharing, Kkat. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 some of what you said hit home, not the abuse part... but wow chills down spine Thanks for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Good to hear from you kkat - I had been wondering how you were doing. And I am praying for the day when you feel totally free of the burden that this r/s has been to you. My advice? You're on a good path. And you WILL find real love, some day. Just keep working on loving yourself enough, first. I would also like to suggest a review of your moods etc. and mood-raising activities like exercise, socializing (with honest people). Although you're still on the road, I consider you an ex-OW success story. Best wishes, from the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Thanks Sole Mate, And you know, although too kind to say so, that the soles of your kind shoes were one of the main ones that kicked some gentle sense into me, especially when I was self-destructively low. I am a success story, yes, in the sense that I have moved on and survived - but at what a tremendous opportunity cost of many years and many tears. Thank you then and now for your good thoughts and prayers. And may peace be also with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkat Posted November 26, 2006 Author Share Posted November 26, 2006 Just having a hard time over the past few days.... I feel so upset that he lied about me and our relationship and that he refused to talk to me when he ended the "friendship" aspect of our relationship when he was the one who wanted me to stay in contact with him I have called him a couple of times over the past few months and asked him to call me and he didn't. I am ashamed that I called him. Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I have called him a couple of times over the past few months and asked him to call me and he didn't. I am ashamed that I called him. Congratulations on moving on. It is a manipulation game, you don't call the married person you had an affair with, they say you don't care. You call them and they play the Silence of the Lamb movie to you. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 Just having a hard time over the past few days.... I feel so upset that he lied about me and our relationship and that he refused to talk to me when he ended the "friendship" aspect of our relationship when he was the one who wanted me to stay in contact with him I have called him a couple of times over the past few months and asked him to call me and he didn't. I am ashamed that I called him. Why did you call him? What did you want from him..? What happened when you called him... did you speak to him? Link to post Share on other sites
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