Foreverwondering Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 Well my story begins about 6 months ago, my best friend confronted me about my long term relationship (8 years on and off) , she went on to tell me that she thinks its an abusive relationship, in a controling sense. I had never seen the abuse but my eyes opened and saw that my relationship was kinda messed up. And that i was not happy, my bf had/has issues which could be a whole other topic lol.. but the eye opener was when one night i went out with my friends (the one who confronted me) to coffee, they live like two hours away and were in the area so they stopped by. I told mmy bf where i was going and left.. When i returned he was pissed (like i expected) i tried to be nice and get to bed, but the guilt he made me feel for going out was too much and i started telling him that if he treated and talked to me like he was i am leaving. Well he didnt like that and proceeded to shove me back in the room. i was dumbfounded and he told me it was better then what he wanted to do to me....Now to go back a couple weeks before this incident, i had gone out with my friends for the weekend, dancing and just having fun, where i met this guy, total sweetheart and not a threat to me, he knew that i have a bf and just was being friendly, not hitting on me...i guess he asked my friend about me and she encouraged him to talk to me, get to know me and let me know that their are nicer guys out there then who i was with.....so me and this guy talked through IM and really got to know each other and i found myself attracted to him...back to the shoving thing, i found my self confiding in him about the shoving and that i was upset, he told me to leave and so on.... well i was feeling deppressed and just flat out confused as to where my relationship with my bf was going, i needed my friends and i went agian to my best friends for some fun, well i had too much fun, as my new guy friend was there adn we were dancing and drinking, i could feel my attraction to him grow and their was touching and intense moments. After the dancing we all went back to my friends house, where me and this guy ended up sleeping together..yes i know bad move.......... me and this guy still talk and stuff and are really good friends i confide in him and he knows how confused and trapped i feel and he says he just wants me to be happy whatever that means.... Me and my bf are still together and i told him some of what happened, just that i kissed another guy, i was going to tell him the WHOLE truth however i saw the hurt he was feeling and couldnt do it. We are trying to work on the relationship he is trying to talk nicer to me, and not make me feel bad about myself and overall trying to be a better bf.. but i feel like i cant enjoy the relationship because of what i did, i was not honest, and i did the unspeakable. I can not belive i did such a horriable thing...i am a bundle of confusion and saddness i dont know what to do anymore, my mind goes back to that night i cheated everyday, its become an obsession adn i dont think i will ever be the same...i cant leave the relationship, because i dont think i have anywhere to go, ill be embarassed if it comes out and worst of all the pain i know it will cause my bf i just cant do it...should i tell or take it to the grave and live with the guilt?! sorry this is long and confusing, but getting it out here has made me feel better a little....and why do you think i still think of this other guy, should i just have no contact with him? i care about him and i like it when i am around him or even just chatting with him...ugh i am confused.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 I think you need to break up with the boyfriend you have now. He IS abusing you, making you feel bad. He has serious control issues, and in time, those will only get worse. Don't involve yourself with another guy until the present relationship you're in, ends. By keeping intouch with that guy is only going to piss off your boyfriend... Your safety is so important! Talk to your friends and family - Get them to help you OUT of this unhealthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 me and this guy still talk and stuff and are really good friends i confide in him and he knows how confused and trapped i feel Confused and trapped, hey? Confused because you are not sure that your boyfriend is the one for you? And trapped - that can't be good. Do you feel as if you are just "along for the ride" in this relationship? Me and my bf are still together and i told him some of what happened, just that i kissed another guy, i was going to tell him the WHOLE truth however i saw the hurt he was feeling and couldnt do it. Oh boy. I've often wondered if there are degrees to a broken heart. So... did he ask you - outright - if it went any further? We are trying to work on the relationship he is trying to talk nicer to me, and not make me feel bad about myself and overall trying to be a better bf.. but i feel like i cant enjoy the relationship because of what i did, i was not honest, and i did the unspeakable. Look, I'm not pretending that what you did was right, but you seem to have fallen for the first person that showed you some attention. That's a pretty strong statement, and maybe I'm not being fair, but is your relationship a healthy one? i cant leave the relationship, because i dont think i have anywhere to go, Well, now that's what I call trapped. ill be embarassed if it comes out I think that's nothing compared to the way you're already feeling. and worst of all the pain i know it will cause my bf i just cant do it... You do have it within you to deal with this. Regardless of what you have done, and from what you have written here, I think you deserve a lot more from a relationship. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Your safety is so important! Talk to your friends and family - Get them to help you OUT of this unhealthy relationship. She's right. There is no excuse for shoving you!!!! I'd kick his ass, but I generally don't abuse things that can fight back. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 You deserve better, you can do it, Maguyver always felt trapped to but he could make cool things out of ordinary stuff like rubber bands... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreverwondering Posted August 14, 2006 Author Share Posted August 14, 2006 Thank you for your advice, i am working on leaving but the cycle is hard..i guess i do it to myself just lost and stuck, i think Magic has it right that i am going along for the ride. I have grown comftorable after 8 years with him, i just dont want to hurt anyone, but it is too late. I am sure i deserve better just after what i did, part of me doesnt think i do anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 I am sure i deserve better just after what i did, part of me doesnt think i do anymore. Actions have consequences - sure, but don't punish yourself for the rest of your life. Or, at least, try not to. Believe it, or not - I think I understand how you feel. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ironguy Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Don't mean this to sound harsh, but sounds to me like you need a new boyfriend, and a new set of other friends. Your bf abusing you is wrong and yes, you need to move on. But your "friend" is the one who introduced you to this other guy and supported you making a mistake that is tearing you up inside. What kind of a friend is that? Your "friend" should have worked on helping you leave your bf first, then introduce you to someone once it was over. I know, nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes, but it seems like your friend almost set you up to sleep with some guy for whatever reason. Now the other guy got what he wanted and is telling you to do whatever you want to do. Doesn't seem like he was so nice after all. Aside from that, try your best not to feel so guilty. You didn't make the best decision, but you obviously weren't thinking clearly when you did it and realize it wasn't a great move. It will be hard to find the right route to getting your life in order if you are constantly heaping guilt on yourself. Nothing wrong with realizing a mistake and feeling regret, but don't let the guilt and regret become a controlling factor in your life that doesn't let you heal and address your current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Is a "shove" abuse? That's questionable. I'm sure you have "clean hands" and never shoved or slapped your BF. That being said, emotions run high when cheating enters the situation. You are a cheater, that's not nice. Sounds like "it just happened" because you were open to the possibilities. Gotta love your supportive circle of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 Thanks for the warning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foreverwondering Posted August 16, 2006 Author Share Posted August 16, 2006 Thanks for the warning. Hello again... not sure what this person meant?!? but you all have givin me good advice, just wanted to address a couple things... "Is a "shove" abuse? That's questionable. I'm sure you have "clean hands" and never shoved or slapped your BF." Yes, i belive shoving is abuse IF it has happened more then once and is followed by a bigger threat, which in my case both are true..although he has not done it again and is working on his short temper..I have never hit him out of anger because i know his temper and what he would do. As for my friends, they were being supportive, before all this they were trying to tell me i do have options and places to go. I dont think she wanted what happened to happen between me and that guy. they actually had a fight about it a couple days ago. Its a messed up situation and i know she feels bad and she takes responsablity for her actions in it, at least i think she does. Now she just kinda keeps her space about the whole thing... And i was asked if my BF asked me outright if anything more happened... Yes, he did ask, and i lied i couldnt go through with it. I know that was wrong, i knew from the moment i said "no nothing happened." My relationship is unhealthy, i think we both know this, but are hanging on for some unknown reason. mabey we think it will change, or mabey we just dont want to ditch the long years we have been together. Mabey i should ask him what he thinks of our relationship, have a long talk about our future, that will at least get the ball rolling. Wish me luck, and thank you for your advice, its comforting to know that their are people out there willing to help and give their 2cents to strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 Hello again... not sure what this person meant?!? but you all have givin me good advice, just wanted to address a couple things... "Is a "shove" abuse? That's questionable. I'm sure you have "clean hands" and never shoved or slapped your BF." Yes, i belive shoving is abuse IF it has happened more then once and is followed by a bigger threat, which in my case both are true.. I think that any physical touch is abuse if it's carried out in anger. It's the intent behind the action, not the actual touch that's the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 I used to think about cheating the same way most people do....that it is wrong and cruel, and I still do to a certain extent. But something that I realized (after I became one) is that people don't cheat if they are in a happy relationship....and you are certainly not in a happy or healthy relationship. I know it is hard leaving someone that you have been with for so long, but I think in the long run, it would be the best decision you could make. About the OM, I think he seems like a very caring and supportive person and maybe just what you need to help you throught this rought spell Good luck in whatever you decide to do! Link to post Share on other sites
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