saved messages on cell phone

[Guest]

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. It has been very good, in fact, lately, it has been terrific! We spend a lot of time together, and this weekend we just stayed at my house and vegged out. Grilled out, watched movies, danced in the living room! Very romantic. I even told him that I have never felt closer to anyone before.

 

Backtrack to a few weeks ago......he listened to my home messages and quizzed me on one from a client.....I was a little surprised that he did that, but I had nothing to hide, and blew it off. Oh, and he is also very paranoid about my past relationships--he doesn't want me to have any contact with the man that I lived with for four years, even though it has been over for three years. Out of respect for him and his feelings I honor that request. Although, I am so happy with our relationship, I don't need anything else. We are constantly telling each other how much we love each other, how great everything is......

 

I NEVER SAW THIS COMING!!!

 

This morning I listened to his messages, he had one saved from this past Friday morning! From his ex--that broke up with him this past summer, although, I think it died slowly in the months leading up to us meeting. (When we met he told me how this woman destroyed him.) This message from him went on and on about how much he meant to her, how much she still loved him, how she always looks for him--but never sees him. She was crying and saying how she shakes when she thinks that she spots him... They live in the same neighborhood! It was obvious that they had not been together, BUT THEY HAD SPOKEN!! She said that she knew he did not mean the horrible things that he said to her out of anger.

 

Well, I asked him about it tonight and he hedged at first but then told me the following.....He saw her at the begining of last week with her new boyfriend, and she had crushed his heart so badly in the past that he called her up and screamed nasty things at her! Then on Thursday he called to apologize for his behavior...That is where her call came into to play the next day....she still loves him,,,etc....

 

Well, if he moved on with me, why was his reaction so violent towards her. Am I being played for a fool? Why would he even save that message? He said it was nice to hear that from her, but he is so in love with me, he would never jepodize us, blah. blah.blah.

 

Any comments or suggestions would help. I feel very emotionally betrayed. I am sick to my stomach over this. He talks about us moving in together and marraige, and I was starting to think about this, but right now---I am afraid that he still wants her.He promised to tell me if she called again, and let me listen to the messages--but how do I trust this. I would have neverr know about it if I didn't invade his privacy! I feel like a heel for that, but l am so scared now.

 

Advice please!!

[Kathleen2260]

Your boyfriend should have told you that he spoke with his ex, especially since he requests that you not have any contact with YOUR ex. I didn't catch how long your boyfriend and his ex were together. Was it a long relationship? It sounds as though your boyfriend has not had closure with his ex. Since she hurt him so badly it probably made him feel very good to hear her say those things (she still loves him ect.). From what you say it sounds like he is very much into YOU and probably only uses this message from the ex as an ego boost because she devastated him and now wants him back. Sometimes when someone hurts us deeply, its takes awhile to get over them even if we have moved on. But that doesn't mean he still wants to be with her. I think he sounds as though he is happy with you and I don't think you have much to worry about as long as he is honest with you about the ex in the future. And please ask him to erase that message. In fact if it makes you feel better you should request that he have no contact with his (hey its only fair since he asks that of you). Good luck!

[jmargel]

She baited him with this other guy and he fell for it. Follow your gut instinct. When my ex-fiancee hooked up with my now (ex) best-friend I was furious! I literally wanted to kill him. They got married, had a kid. She ended up leaving him and hooked up with another guy I know. However between those two guys 3 years have passed. When I heard about the new guy, I just laughed & shook my head. No anger. I knew by then I was completely over her.

 

It's pretty apparent for whatever reason he still has feelings for her. Especially saving the voicemail message is a reminder to him that she is still there. Getting upset and yelling at him is not going to solve the issue. The best way to face this is to open the cage door and give him the opportunity to go. Then if he does at least in your heart you know. By keeping restrictions on all of this, in the end you'll be just wondering and being on edge on whether he wants to be with her.

 

Sorry this is happening, it's nothing you did or said. This is him and his failure to close this past chapter of his life. You also deserve to be loved completely and while a third party is nosing in your relationship this doesn't happen.

[Guest]

You know, I kind of understand where your ex is coming from. Let me explain: Last November I finally moved my ex out of my house. We'd been together 5 yrs, and he periodically hurt me with emotional cheating via the net which eventually led to him calling this gal in town and meeting up with her. While that was a terrible thing for him to do, and it led to our breakup, I don't hate him. In fact, he was a pleasure to live with and was very kind to my boy.

 

He was a very capable man who always took care of things in my house for me. He was so sad when I made him leave, and he tried very hard to keep me. I had just fallen out of love with him slowly, over time, and just needed him out. There were times when he would text me that kind of pulled at my heart. "The more women I meet now, the more I realize why we were together so long." I know. Too little too late. I saved texts like those, just because I still love him in a way, but I'm not IN love with him any more. I remind myself what it would be like if I let him back into my life. I could never trust him again. Ever. But I still care about him. I've since deleted the texts, and we're on purely a friendship level now, though he lives about 150 miles away so we never see each other.

 

I'm not sure what the circumstances were around your ex's breakup with that gal, but please understand there must have been some deep feelings there at one point. It may not be that he's thinking of her in a way that would threaten what you have with him though. Just talk to him; see what happens. Be aware, but be understanding if you can.

 

 

Thanks Luv,

 

My bf and his ex were togehter for 2 years, before she dumped him for another man. I think that part of his violent reaction had to due with her being with another man......not the one she dumped him for!

 

 

Regardless, this is still very hurtful to me, I have to keep reminding myself that he has not really done anything wrong. So, he expressed strong words to her, and then apologized. She left the message, that according to him he did not respond to! But, I am still sick to my stomach and feel very emotionally betrayed! We had such a perfect weekend together, and now I feel that all of the closeness, slow dancing, sweet words, were a lie. I feel that our relationship is minimized. That I care more than he does. How can he fully be with me when he has so much emotion toward someone else?

 

Sorry, just venting...I am sick to my stomach and he should be here anytime now. He went out of town to watch a game, and is about 40 minutes out.

I know that at this point I have to act normal........try..try..try..

 

Keep comments and suggestions coming!