my gf found out her ex husband was cheating her for the 8 years they were married...

[starmap3]

Over the weekend, my girlfriend of 18 months, found out from one of her ex husbands family members that he had cheated on her over the entire course of their 8 year marriage. She wasn;t fishing for this information. We had the person on speakphone and she was having a problem from a surgery and I am knowledgable of medical treatment (per se). However, they were talking about their respective "ex's" because they are both in jail, and how each of them contacts the children. her ex doesn;t contact her son at all. So, this woman tells my girlfriend that she is better off and that he had cheated on her for the entire marriage. Furthermore, I made a joke and said, let me guess you slept with him too! and there was silence. She did, but said it was "before they were together". This makes my girfriend sick and she is having a hard time now because she feels her entire life was a lie (11 years total) before she met me. I do not know how to deal with this and I feel bad for her because she gave this ass a child and in return he beat her and cheated on her the whole time. Any suggestions?

[RainyDayWoman]

well, i don't know how you suggest that someone just get over something, but this is what she is going to have to do.

 

of course, it is going to bother her, i think it would bother anyone. it's less of an "i care about this person" and more of a "i was treated so badly and had no idea, how could someone do this?"

 

she is also dealing with the fact that no one told her during the relationship, and if they had, she might have avoided as many crappy years as she had with him.

 

she will get over it, she may just need some time to process the information.

[michelangelo]

So she is hurt that her convict ex-husband acted badly during their marriage?

 

She should thank her lucky stars she is divorced from him and has a shot to give her child a better life.

 

I can see the wasted time angle mentioned above, but she should see what he did as validating her decision to divorce.

[Trimmer]

I don't know if you feel comfortable sharing these postings with your gf, but here's my experience.

 

I'm also dealing with the wasted-time was-it-all-based-on-a-lie kind of thing, and I've decided that regardless of whatever deceit happened, I lived those years in a way that I'm not ashamed of. I was honorable, and I've lived my life in a way that I am not afraid to answer for. That's the truth of my life, and what someone else did behind my back - while possibly hurtful, etc. - can't turn my life into a lie.

 

As you can see from my signature, I'm really big right now on focusing on the future. I don't ignore my past - I remember it clearly, try to learn from it without letting too much bitterness color my recollections, and I respect it as the path I took to get to the present moment, but I've really been working on taking a deep breath, appreciating the present, and turning around to look to the future.

 

And speaking of appreciating the present, I look into my kids eyes, I touch their cheeks, I hug their little bodies, I comfort them when they need it, I laugh with them when they are silly, and I see and feel a bond between us which was born of 100% pure innocence. When I balance it all out, I am profoundly glad that my path has led me here. And I know that this is certainly no lie.

[sylviaguardian]

I don't know if you feel comfortable sharing these postings with your gf, but here's my experience.

 

I'm also dealing with the wasted-time was-it-all-based-on-a-lie kind of thing, and I've decided that regardless of whatever deceit happened, I lived those years in a way that I'm not ashamed of. I was honorable, and I've lived my life in a way that I am not afraid to answer for. That's the truth of my life, and what someone else did behind my back - while possibly hurtful, etc. - can't turn my life into a lie.

 

As you can see from my signature, I'm really big right now on focusing on the future. I don't ignore my past - I remember it clearly, try to learn from it without letting too much bitterness color my recollections, and I respect it as the path I took to get to the present moment, but I've really been working on taking a deep breath, appreciating the present, and turning around to look to the future.

 

And speaking of appreciating the present, I look into my kids eyes, I touch their cheeks, I hug their little bodies, I comfort them when they need it, I laugh with them when they are silly, and I see and feel a bond between us which was born of 100% pure innocence. When I balance it all out, I am profoundly glad that my path has led me here. And I know that this is certainly no lie.

 

Wow, Trimmer. What a fantastic quote.