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Cannot rebuild trust


wanting to heal

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wanting to heal

My wife has made me wonder for years if I am enough for her. I have doubted that I am, but I know that she does not know what she wants. She has lied to be before, and I think that I am about to catch her in another lie. She denies making a phone call to someone, but I am getting a detail of our home phone calls. She deletes the dialed calls from the "redial" on the home phone. She deletes the incoming and outgoing calls and text msgs on her cell.

 

I caught her in a proposition to someone two years ago. Nothing happened, but the proposition hurt because it was a minor. Three months ago she had a one night stand and I caught her again. She said it was the only time, and I do believe her. She was tipsy the first time and stumbling drunk the other time. The problem is that when she had the ONS she lied and lied all the way up to me showing her the hard evidence.

 

I do not want to worry about being lied to. I do not deserve it and I cannot spend my life wondering or checking up on her. We are in MC, but I still feel like I am married to a pathalogical liar. It's like she thinks lying beats the truth.

 

If I find out that the calls she denies really happened I am going to separate. I cannot keep this up, I would rather be alone. My daughter may not understand, but she is 17 and aware of all that has happened. She will understand someday.

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TheCwazydude

Someday? She is 17, I'm sure she has a head on her shoulders to know what's up, and I don't think she will blame you if you leave her mother.

 

 

I feel your hurt, i've been there myself. And if you do catch her, Move on.

 

The fact is I'm surprised you forgave her the other times, I would have left the first time, No questions asked.

 

 

Your a forgiving person, But if she lies to you again, don't hesitate to walk out on her.

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Love must be tough. She should be doing everything in her power to reassure you that she is telling the truth. She is doing the opposite. Give her the ultamatium, tell her to leave. Tell her you had enough. Only then will she face the consequences of what she's doing.

 

Read my link in my signature as well. There are 3 sides to every story. His, Hers and the truth. She just didn't decide to do these things out of the blue unless there is something mentally wrong with her. I'm not saying it's your fault but there is a story, a situation usually to every affair.

 

Of course you don't trust her, she's lied, cheated and disrespected you. Her words have no faith in them so your mind will wonder. Keep going to MC. Let the MC know about what's going on. Living a life of being on edge all the time is not a life worth living. You need to start doing things for yourself and to not base your own self-worth on your wife. Start ignoring her, don't tell her you love her. Start doing your own thing and move on with your life. Let her fully experience what life is going to be like without you. Right now she has the best of both worlds. It's time to make her face reality.

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harleygirl92156

Sounds like maybe her DRINKING PROBLEM needs to be addressed FIRST!

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wanting to heal

The big lie that I was worried about did not happen. I verfiied that. That makes me feel better.

 

Margel, thanks for the advice. I am learning not to base my self worth on my wife. It has been a slow process, but I am getting there. She has the ultimatum now. Another lie and I will leave. Maybe she is going to have to be hit in the face with reality. The reality of not living in a $400K home, driving a $50K car, having shopping $ and having her workout be the biggst agenda in her day. I have worried that she is here for those things, but I really think that she loves me. She just does a really ****ty job of it sometimes.

 

Hayley, she does not have a drinking problem. She hardly ever drinks. I mean almost never. She needs to not drink around anyone other than me. She has lost her head twice when she drank and I was not around. She does have a problem when she is with irresponsible people. That also seldom happens, but one more time will be too many. She knows that now.

 

And Dude, I am right there with you. I have no patience for new beginnings and I will not grant any more chances. She told me in MC the other day that she is lucky to have me. I told her that she was right, just don't expect any more rope.

 

Thanks for the replies.

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harleygirl92156
Originally posted by wanting to heal

 

 

 

Hayley, she does not have a drinking problem. She hardly ever drinks. I mean almost never. She needs to not drink around anyone other than me. She has lost her head twice when she drank and I was not around. She does have a problem when she is with irresponsible people. That also seldom happens, but one more time will be too many. She knows that now.

 

 

 

My husband HARDLY EVER drank too, once a month at the most. You are in denial, she has a drinking problem, it is called binge drinking. If SHE can not trust herself and you can not trust her to drink around anyone but you, SHE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. You are trying to blame the irresponsible people she drinks around, but face it, SHE is the ONLY one responsible (or irresponsible) for her actions.

 

Have an alcohol evaluation done by a professional, I bet it shows she is an alcoholic.

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wanting to heal

Not to defend my wife here, but I must not understand the term "alcoholic". She does not control alcohol well, we agree on that. She almost never drinks, though.

 

We found out in MC that she has sexual issues. Her parents are Baptist Missionaries and they totally repressed her sexual desires. They beat it into her that "nice girls don't". That hurt her a lot. The counselor feels that the times that she has drank too much have removed her inhibitions and made her feel free. The ONS was mostly the result of a "player" seeing that in her and taking advantage of the opportunity. She was at fault too, don't get me wrong.

 

The combination of alcohol and being sexually beaten down within her family seem to be the problem.

 

I guess I just do not understand the term "alcoholic".

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Heavenlyflower9

I feel the same way. It's like i want to trust him again, but then i don't. If he lied the first time and got away with it for awhile. How do i know he won't do it again? But if i do catch him... game over.. no more trys and that's for sure!

 

I'm kinda in the same boat. Sorry I can't give you any advice.... but if you need just someone to talk to or just to listen feel free to write me.

 

 

:) Heavenlyflower

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I feel that way too.. My wife doesn't drink every night, it's only when we go out on a weekend. However 99% of the time that we go out she either gets tipsy or drunk. She has done this going out w/ her dad as well. Personally I don't trust her with her going out w/ just her friends due to her drinking. And whatever mood she is in, gets magnified by at least 10 times when she's not sober.

 

I believe that's where flower is saying about alcoholism. Whenever booze is used as a crutch for something else in life then it's a problem. I think that's the reason my wife does it.

 

I guess most people think of alcoholics as someone living at the bar, coming home every night in a rage. That's the stereotypical view. When we go out, it's like I'm the parent watching over my teenage daughter.

 

Not only has your wife lied to you but has beat you down emotionally. Granted you were 'relieved' that whatever you thought happened, didn't. But when is the next time going to occur? She has you living on edge and it's only a matter of time before you either have a nervous breakdown, stroke or a heart attack due to the stress. Often times when someone cheats they use the defense mechanism. Putting you down was her way of trying to justify her behavior. She would probably actually believe what she said to you just so that it makes it an OK for her cheating.

 

The fact that the only reason why she came clean about the ONS is because you found out the evidence by yourself is truly worrysome. How much longer can you play detective? Sooner or later you're not going to be able to catch everything, she'll just become more wiser to your tactics. Is she just saying the things that you want to hear? It took her in counseling to her to say she is lucky to have you? How come she can't say those things on a normal basis at home?

 

She's just giving you little bits here & there. Keep going to MC, but personally I would still hire a PI. You have no trust in this woman. We know you love her but she has alot of catching up to do and she hasn't even gotten close to start on this.

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Heavenlyflower9

Jmargel... thank you for your link!

I read it and it made me really think about my situation.

I just needed a little push!

I'll keep you updated!

 

;) Heavenlyflower

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wanting to heal

Margel-

 

We have made great strides in MC. It makes me comfortable now and I do not feel that I need to track her anymore. Her motives seem pure now. The doubts about her wanting someone else are gone now.

 

I really do not feel that I have my head in the sand. I can tell when she feels lost and is searching for something. Now I feel as if she is finding herself in her search. MC has helped a lot.

 

Don't get me wrong, I keep my eyes open. She has not drank at all in two months, except a couple of glasses of wine on our anniversary. We are also talking with the MC about her sexual repression. It seems that drinking was a crutch to lose the inhibitions that were beaten into her as a kid. She wants to lose those inhibitions, but she wants to do it with me. As we work on that I feel much closer to her, like I am being a great friend as well as a lover.

 

Margel, your insights are about the best on this site. Thanks.

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