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I recently started visiting this site for insight on infidelity. I've been rather pleased with the support and advice that I have been given.

 

The majority of people I have spoke with have said that I should try to work out the problems in my marriage. This advice is usually followed by some type of reference to marriage vows and how you should try to stay together because a marriage is a sacred bond between to people. Not that I do not agree with this, I fully agree with marriage being a bond between to people who are willing to dedicate there lives to each other. However, those vows say more then death do us part.

 

Why do I not see more about how sacred the vows are and that adultery is wrong and unforgivable? I am not religious, but one of the 10 commandments makes reference to how wrong it is. If I remember correctly adultery is even punishable by death in old Jewish law. Some countries even today have laws that adultery is punishable by death.

 

If adultery is so wrong and marriage is so sacred why does the offending spouse deserve a second chance? All trust and respect is lost, how can that possibly be rebuilt? What about the old saying once a cheater always a cheater? If I give her a second chance isn't that basically excepting her actions with almost no consequence? Okay so I got mad and upset, but ultimately I took her back and essentially let her get away with screwing some other guy. How is that ever except-able?

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LucreziaBorgia
If adultery is so wrong and marriage is so sacred why does the offending spouse deserve a second chance?

 

Because you married a human being capable of making very tragic and human mistakes. If you don't want to give her a second chance, then don't. There is nothing that says you have to. Lets say, though - that you decide to forgive, but not forget - and decide to work through these issues:

 

As for rebuilding trust, etc - those are things you'll have to work through yourself. It will take time, and probably some counseling sessions though. As for 'once a cheater, always a cheater' - that is only the case if the situations and mindset that led to the cheating remain unchanged. You and she can work together on this. Your wife will be able to work on those inner things that led her to say 'yes' when she could have said 'no' and together you will be able to work on the flaws in the relationship that led to the same.

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Perhaps you don't see more of those types of posts because the people who are just willing to give up on the marriage and move on don't come to sites like this. They simply move on.

 

Why does she deserve a second chance? - That's not our call, that's YOUR decision. I can tell you from my own personal experience that my marriage prior to this was wonderful for many years, and that the woman I married is still the woman I'm married to now. I still love her, still want to share my life with her. And since she HAS learned from her mistake, and at this point I have every reason to believe that this won't happen again, of course I'm going to stay married. There isn't anyone ELSE out there that I want.

 

If you don't feel the same way, then don't try to work it out. Cut your losses and walk away...it's YOUR choice to make. Just remember that we are ALL responsible for our choices...she's responsible for the choice to have the affair....and you'll be responsible for your choice to end or continue your marriage based on that. It's all pretty much that simple.

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Why do I not see more about how sacred the vows are and that adultery is wrong and unforgivable?
I blame that on people straying away from God's intentions on what marriage is suppose to be. That's just my opinion.
If adultery is so wrong and marriage is so sacred why does the offending spouse deserve a second chance?
You'll have to examine why she was unfaithfull in the first place.....was it entirely out her own selfishness......or was she pushed into it? Are you sure she's the one to blame entirely?
All trust and respect is lost, how can that possibly be rebuilt?
You'd be amazed what two people in love can accomplish. The secret is both need to have the same common goal, and work equally towards it.
What about the old saying once a cheater always a cheater?
Again, it depends on what caused the affair. If it was out of her own selfishness, chances are she'll allow it to happen again no matter what changes are made....
If I give her a second chance isn't that basically excepting her actions with almost no consequence?
There are consequences.....she has to work to re-gain your respect and trust....if she's in this marriage for the long haul.....that's gonna take a lot of work.....she's going through hell at this point to gain that back.....I commend you for giving this marriage another shot.......I'm not sure if I ever could......
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Some people who are unfaithful come to regret their decision, hate what they've done, and are determined to never do such a thing again. These people made mistakes and deserve chances (however a four-year affair, IMHO, can't be considered a 'mistake' - I'm talking about short-term flings).

 

Others justify their infidelity, never really thought it was wrong, and don't really see why people oughtn't be unfaithful if they're 'not happy'. These are the selfish sorts who are bad picks as partners because they will always put their own needs and desires before anyone else's.

 

You have to figure out which sort of person you're with and then decide, if your partner is the first type, whether you believe she's sorry and has learned and will be faithful from now on or not. In the end, it'll be about how you manage your own reactions to the situation.

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reservoirdog1

Erratic, you raise an interesting question. I've got my own perspective.

 

Owl mentioned that often, the two spouses had previously had a great marriage until one of them cheated. That's probably the situation offering the best hope of successful reconciliation, because there's something to build on and something to aspire to. The question the spouses can ask is, "there was a time when we were happy together -- how can we get that back?"

 

In my case, I thought I had a good marriage prior to D-Day. Turns out my XW had been miserable since before the wedding and had cheated many times, starting with during the engagement. She wasn't really interested in reconciliation but, at my urging, we tried it on for a couple of months anyway.

 

In the first few weeks after D-Day, I can tell you that I wanted to reconcile. Yes, trust was suddenly gone, and it was clear that she'd demonstrated for years that she had no respect for me at all. But what kept me there was a mixture of shock, disbelief and desperation. I was clinging to what I had with her -- even if it suddenly wasn't very much -- hoping to find something between us that would revive the interest she'd lacked for years. Objectively, it must have looked pretty pathetic. I was trying to find something in her that I could love and live with -- and that was the fictional "her" that I thought I'd been living with.

 

That evaporated gradually over the next several months, particularly after we split up. What replaced it -- even for the first few months after the separation -- was a different motivation for wanting to reconcile. That motivation was the belief that she "owed" it to me to at least make an honest effort after eight years of fraud, and especially given that she was now apparently lavishing her newfound commitment to honesty and fidelity on her new boyfriend. That, coupled with a measure of residual territoriality, fuelled my remaining desire to try again. Wasn't made any easier by the fact that we went through a turbulent pattern of three months or so in which each of us asked the other a couple of times to try again, only to be declined by that other.

 

So, would any of those efforts ever have worked? I don't know. I'm not ideologically bound to the "once a cheater" maxim, but with XW anyway, I'm cognizant of the "fact" (if I can call it that?) that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. In my situation, XW would need to change a hell of a lot about herself.

 

I know that she's sorry about things. She's apologized more times than I can count. But honestly, I don't know if she's genuinely sorry for what she did, or just that her reputation got trashed for awhile when lots of people found out. To this day I don't totally believe she would have come clean if she hadn't been boxed into a corner (long story).

 

I don't have much time for her anymore and try to keep her out of my life where possible, and I no longer care particularly what she thinks of me. But for some reason -- and she admitted this to me -- it's very important to her that I perceive that she's changed and acknowledge it. I have no idea if she's changed or not; for all I know she's cheating on her BF too. Verifying her supposed changes would require me to interact with her much more than I care to, and I do know that she continues some minor modes of behaviour which suggest that the more offensive ones COULD still be present.

 

I raise the last point to illustrate that this could well have been the mindset I would have developed if we'd stayed together or not, and the marriage would have been doomed anyway. Or maybe, if we'd learned to love each other again, something better would have replaced it.

 

So, that's a very long-winded answer to a simple question. It boils down to, even if the marriage was a fraud, the vows broken and the trust shattered, the betrayed often wants to try again. It's usually an irrational emotional reaction, but hey... that's what human beings are best at.

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"You'll have to examine why she was unfaithfull in the first place.....was it entirely out her own selfishness......or was she pushed into it? Are you sure she's the one to blame entirely?"

 

People usually cheat because they are unhappy somewhere.

 

I was unfaithful during my marriage to my exh. I learned my lesson completely. It only happened twice and I know without a doubt I will NEVER do anything like that again. I happen to be very religious and if you would have told me two years ago I would have done anything like that I would have said no way! I don't believe in divorce, but I also don't believe in being so miserable that I cannot live either. For me it was either stay with my exh and be miserable and continue to cheat (because he wouldn't/couldn't change) or be sane for the sake of my children. I chose the later.

 

I don't know your story but a four year affair is alot to forgive.

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Everybody's situation is differently, and each of our decisions has to be made independently. Don't base your choice on some saying, or some past vow that is now gone, or what one of us here says to do. Make your choice based on the past you had with her, and the likelihood that you two can have a good future together.

 

I find it hard to use bible or religious references, since while adultery is terrible, we are also told to "turn the other cheek."

 

If she is sorry, then trust and respect can be rebuilt, but it is not at all easy. However, if both of you are honestly committed to doing so (a requirement) then it can be done, thru open communication. And it will take time, and the ability for each of you to openly discuss whatever bothers you. Lot's of things will get in the way, such as finding faults, learning what forgiveness really means, emotions you may have never known before, nightmares, and much more. But working thru all these things can also provide a closeness between you two, unlike anything else!

 

Lastly, there are real consequences to her also. Sure, she got to sleep with another guy, but if that is all that matters, then there's something else wrong too! But if she is really sorry, and if she really loves you, then she will feel pretty terrible about how she has hurt you, and how she broke her promise, and now she has to live with that. And if it was a real love affair, she has to deal with all the emotions she's having about that as well.

 

Good luck in your relationship. Don't dwell on the past, instead, dream about how great the future can be!

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sylviaguardian

Erratic,

 

The reason why most people have advised to try to work things out is because if your mind was really made up, you wouldn't be visiting this site, you would have simply left.

 

I struggle with this too but if you feel that there is any mileage in it, you perhaps owe it to yourself to see if it can work. Give it a time limit, say a year, and tell yourself that if you're not happy in a year, then you will leave, but it will be your decision and you will have given it the best shot you could.

 

 

Why do I not see more about how sacred the vows are and that adultery is wrong and unforgivable? I am not religious, but one of the 10 commandments makes reference to how wrong it is. If I remember correctly adultery is even punishable by death in old Jewish law. Some countries even today have laws that adultery is punishable by death.

 

If adultery is so wrong and marriage is so sacred why does the offending spouse deserve a second chance? All trust and respect is lost, how can that possibly be rebuilt? What about the old saying once a cheater always a cheater? If I give her a second chance isn't that basically excepting her actions with almost no consequence? Okay so I got mad and upset, but ultimately I took her back and essentially let her get away with screwing some other guy. How is that ever except-able?

 

As for this, lets look at things realistically. I live in Europe where the majority of younger people are not religious. Still, many people choose to have a traditional wedding with vows. I guess a lot of people 'accept' the traditions that go with marriage, but in today's society unfortunately infidelity is fairly acceptable. I suppose most people get married and never again think about the vows they made. I am not saying that this is OK, I guess there is just a wider-spread acceptance that being married and having an affair is acceptable as many people in today's society feel entitled to happiness, whatever the cost.

 

If you give your wife a second chance, you are in no way saying that her behaviour is acceptable. You are saying that the bond between you is strong enough that you are willing to see what the future holds for your relationship. Personally, I always thought I would never forgive infidelity. My husband had an affair and I am still here. I am willing to see if we can work through this. If he ever cheats again, I have no doubt now what I would do.

 

As for length of affairs and 'mistakes' I have been through all of this debate on whether several one night stand is worse than a long-term affair etc etc. Basically, all affairs whether emotional, long-term, a few weeks, a few months or whatever are a transgression. I don't believe in the view that some affairs are 'just a mistake'. Unless your partner was fed a sedative and forced into sex, it is never a mistake. We are all accountable for our own actions. Sometimes people in long-term affairs grow hardened to the lies that they need to tell in order to keep it going and it becomes a way of life. I am not making excuses here but every case is different.

 

By taking your wife back you are not telling her that is acceptable. You are letting her know that her behaviour is unacceptable but that you are willing to continue trying even knowing this aspect of her personality. This is what we do with children and friends all the time.

 

Sylvia

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