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My love of 5 years dropped a bomb on me!!


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th December 2017, 12:50 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Yeah, I get that... But then I guess you don't have a lot of self respect, and no offense.

Dude, if she begged you back it would be foolish if you took her back.

And yes, the word is crazy. My guess is that she is undiagnosed bi polar and her fathers death sent her into a manic state.

The thing is that you cannot fix that. If she came back, if she goes on meds, if she stopped drinking, if she stopped seeing the new guy, if you were monitoring her 24 hours a day, if, if, if, if.

What I am telling you is I have lived this. It does not work, no matter how much you love a woman, you cannot fix her and you never will.

I spent 26 years of my life with a woman like this and it was a nightmare.

Please believe what we are telling you...
I agree.


You should get help in understanding why YOU would even consider taking back an active alcoholic cheater.

She will only bring you heartache. You dodged a bullet. Get your stuff and block all was she can contact you.

You don't want this - you don't want her.

I quit drinking 10 years ago. You don't want her - I promise.

RUN!
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:51 AM   #32
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Originally Posted by tvpartytonight View Post
Thank you and I 100% hear you. It's not that I don't have self-respect. I mean, I am packing my stuff and high tailing it out of there. Have had made ZERO attempt to get her back. It's just that it JUST happened days ago, and I feel like it has given me a bit of PTSD. I am really close with her family...and at this juncture...I just worry about her personal and mental health. That's all. Whatever with all the empty hopes of reconciliation. Yeah, I get it. It would be an uphill battle that I would most likely lose again and hurt myself further. I'm aware. I'm just in shock.
Then inform her family what is going on so they have a chance to intervene.

Then walk away.
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:57 AM   #33
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Well this isnít the first time I have seen this happen.

Sorry you had to go through this. Each day will get a little easier and so on.

Iím just glad it happened before the two your were married.
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Old 19th December 2017, 8:09 AM   #34
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Ya how old is she??? What you're describing sounds like bipolar disorder. It also sounds like her father's death might have triggered it (stressful events can trigger episodes).

Keep in mind that's not a reason to stay with her. If anything it's another to walk away. But it could provide you more of an explanation. Impulsive decisions, especially bad ones is a pretty trademark sign.

Has she ever seen a therapist or been diagnosed with a personality disorder? Or have a family history of it?

But besides all of that, ya you're better off just walking away. Eventually she's going to crash and realize how royally she ****ed up. Don't be surprised if she comes back to you wanting another chance. Maybe in a few days, maybe in a few months but I'm almost positive in your case she's going to try to rope you back in.
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Old 19th December 2017, 9:47 AM   #35
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It sounds like she had a real porblem with alcohol.

Whatever the reason for this might be really doesn't matter. SHe's self medicating and becoming an addict. You simply can not trust an addict to ever out your first, as no matter how much they might want to, they simply can't. Addiction is a selfish disease, and they will always put themselves first.

If you want to go down that road with her, be ready to endure a life of torment. As much as she might want to be with you, and as much as she might want to curb her drinking, unless she is willing to get help and put the work in to change, she very likley can't.

Are you willing to live the rest of your life like this?
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Old 19th December 2017, 9:59 AM   #36
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Remember this is a site for many people that are jaded by affairs...your situation is not as ďtypicalĒ as most.

First, the age difference. Being a lot older, of course you have experienced more & most likely have learned better coping skills. Itís not surprising, that a woman that isnít even 30 yet, that works in a bar & thatís father was an alcoholic is abusing alcohol to cope.

2nd, she moved across the country just to date you...not to just move in or get married, just to see you. That also is not typical, so Iím thinking sheís not really showing unlike behavior, itís just for the first time youíre not the center of her behavior.

3rd, bc her dad was an alcoholic, Iím wondering if you were some kind of alternative father figure & now that her dad has passed, sheís taking it out in her makeshift father figure.

Iím sure this is hurtful & youíd be smart to get out while you can but she isnít herself & sheís having some kind of break down...but if I were, Iíd start to look back on all the signs that were there before this happened & to why you either didnít care she had issues & or how you missed the signs...so you donít repeat the same mistake again. Sheís going to create a mess for herself & she may even try to come back once she snaps out of it. Just push for her to get help bc she needs it (sheís not in a clear state of mind) but that doesnít mean you any longer have to deal with it.

At the end of the day, sheís done you a favor. You now know to move on & you didnít marry or have kids with her...you dodged a bullet. Good luck
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Old 19th December 2017, 2:26 PM   #37
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This whole situation has been coming at me like a million miles a minute. Like, I blinked and now I am where I am at. I understand all of these factors and have to move forward. It does not make it any easier...because I invested 5+ years of my life into it. I made myself believe I was sticking through the madness because I was trying to help and guide her through a grieving process. Then,when she found someone else that was my polar opposite...she discarded me like trash to jump right into his arms and into marriage over night. It's crazy, I know. I just feel used.

Last edited by tvpartytonight; 19th December 2017 at 2:41 PM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 2:42 PM   #38
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Some people are just looking for an excuse to act a fool. Close death in the family is always a good one. Give some folks a sort of get out of jail free card or something.

I try to avoid people like this, because if you reward that sort of behavior by honoring the GOoJF card, they will just expect another, and another, and another, every time it hits the fan in their life.

My guess is Dear old Dad always let her cash in on these cards.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:40 PM   #39
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As some other members have suggested, I don’t think you have all the facts. I strongly suspect that your ex-gf and the OM have been in a long term affair. You can write off some of your ex-gf’s actions as crazy, but how does that explain the OM’s actions? What kind of guy is ready/willing to marry a woman at the drop of a hat right after they start dating? Are they both crazy?? Also, what kind of guy would have been willing to be present with a girl as she discloses an affair to her SO? The only situation where I can ever see that occurring is if your ex and the OM had been in a long term serious relationship. I mean, the guy was essentially willing to take a beating for her, so I don’t doubt that he at least loves her.

What can look like crazy to people is often only because they are analyzing a situation with a misunderstanding of what is going on. Yeah, it would be crazy for her to suddenly marry a guy she just started having a fling with. But marrying a guy she has been having an affair with for a year?—not so crazy.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:52 PM   #40
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As some other members have suggested, I donít think you have all the facts. I strongly suspect that your ex-gf and the OM have been in a long term affair. You can write off some of your ex-gfís actions as crazy, but how does that explain the OMís actions? What kind of guy is ready/willing to marry a woman at the drop of a hat right after they start dating? Are they both crazy?? Also, what kind of guy would have been willing to be present with a girl as she discloses an affair to her SO? The only situation where I can ever see that occurring is if your ex and the OM had been in a long term serious relationship. I mean, the guy was essentially willing to take a beating for her, so I donít doubt that he at least loves her.

What can look like crazy to people is often only because they are analyzing a situation with a misunderstanding of what is going on. Yeah, it would be crazy for her to suddenly marry a guy she just started having a fling with. But marrying a guy she has been having an affair with for a year?ónot so crazy.
This has not been going on much longer than October. He only moved here and started working with her less than 5-6 months ago. Him, her and a couple other work friends of hers started to have drinks after their shift and I think they became friends from what I hear...around August/September. Then in October, he got the gall to take her on a date. 2 weeks later, she slept with him. This comes from mutual friends she confided in about it. I'm not unsure about the when's and where's...as we share a lot of close mutual friends.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:11 PM   #41
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If he didnít move to the area until 5-6 months ago, then you probably have an outer limit for the length of the affair. But the rest of the details from mutual friends you should take with a giant grain of salt. Your ex could just have easily lied to the friends as she does to you.

But, regardless, it makes no difference. Sheís moved on and you should too. I know youíre hurting badly, but try to focus your thoughts on the future instead of constantly dwelling on the past.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:50 PM   #42
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She's about to embark on the latest screw-up in her life. A marriage that will fail within a few years because she lacks the maturity and self-awareness to have any kind of genuine relationship. I suspect the bartender is not much different. In any case, it's not your train wreck any more. Be glad you got off the tracks in time.
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Old 20th December 2017, 10:19 AM   #43
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Many feel alcoholism is a mental illness, as it is a form of addiction. It can also be passed down to one's children, either through genetics or be copying behavior a person saw growing up. That may well be what is happening with your ex.

Your ex-'s actions don't make a lot of sense, and this speaks to her having issues, although I have no real idea what they are.

If she does have some form of mental illness, you can't help her. She is an adult, and has to want to help herself. She clearly did not.

Someone who has mental illness or a personality disorder can drag down everyone else around them. It's one thing to be there for them if they are willing to recognize they have a problem. It's another to be there for someone who doesn't want to change.

As sad as it may be, you have dodged a bullet. That doesn't mean you don't/didn't love her. It just means that love isn't always enough.
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Old 20th December 2017, 11:07 AM   #44
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Get your stuff, tell her family your concerns then loose her number. There is no fixing this, just my opinion but I think the O/M saved your life. This girl is very unstable drunk or sober. She is a grown woman and every choice she has made she made consciously. No one is ever too drunk to know what cheating is and it takes a lot of planning to pull it over on you(planning she did with the other man against you). Once you have all your stuff, change your number because when everything starts to fall apart for her, which it will, she will be looking for you again. The love of your past five years wasn't as committed to your relationship as you were. She may have used you to run away from something else, perhaps her dysfunctional family.
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Old 20th December 2017, 11:25 AM   #45
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tvpartytonight,

In all, or most, relationships, one loves the other more intensely then the other does. In your case that is you. I am sure on some level she loved you, but not enough to stop her from cheating and moving on to another. You deserve a love of your life. This was not it. Heed aliveagain, and move on. 5 years is nothing and is worth nothing as it is in the past. It is your future you need to protect. Protect it. Move on.

I wish you luck........
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