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Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront


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Old 27th November 2017, 10:30 AM   #1
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Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront

A former babysitter messaged me on Facebook to confess that she had an affair with my husband seven years ago; she said it lasted for six months before she moved away. Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions. She said she got swept up by my husband's personality and she really admired how good he was with our kids. She liked that he talked to her like a friend and not someone who worked for us. She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex.

Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. There's no chance she will be involved in our lives again. She lived in our area for college and then moved closer to home after graduation, several hours away. We kept in contact through Facebook messages for about a year after she left, but that became increasingly infrequent and then we stopped communicating altogether. She did say she never talked to or saw my husband again after she moved away.

I didn't respond to her, I don't know what to say. I know she wouldn't make this up, but I never got the sense that anything was going on between her and my husband. It's hard to remember that long ago, but I really don't recall anything strange about his behavior at the time. He's never been distant or tried to pull away from me or the kids.

I haven't confronted him and I don't know if I should; for now, it just feels surreal and I can mostly deal with it. My husband knows something's off, but I've been blaming it on work stress.
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Old 27th November 2017, 10:49 AM   #2
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Now that you know, it has to be addressed. Send the kids away & talk.
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Old 27th November 2017, 10:51 AM   #3
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This is not something you should keep to yourself. Even if you think you're "ok" with it, don't you want to know if there have been any others, in the past or ongoing? He could be exposing you to diseases if he's still screwing around.
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:13 AM   #4
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How old was your former babysitter at the time?
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:27 AM   #5
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I think this is totally up to you on how you would handle it. You could hope it was a one off type of thing and never say a word.

My guess though is that he's done this before and or since and is just very good at covering it up.

My guess is also that, since this is new to you and you are in a state of shock, you are less confident, less self assured. You just had your whole world blow up.

Once the shock of this wears off, my guess is that you will be far less indecisive as well as very angry. You won't be able to keep this to yourself for long.

Be careful though. If you decide to confront, do it tactfully. Make sure you secure your assets. Also, talk to a lawyer first, to see what your options are before you confront.
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Old 27th November 2017, 1:30 PM   #6
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Address it, or it will eat away at too until you do. But address it STRONGLY, bc more than likely he will try to blame you.

After you've consulted a lawyer, I'd have a suitcase packed of HIS clothes and tell him that you have spoken to a lawyer, and that if he isn't interested in doing the most difficult work if his life in making it up to you, then he can leave, and you and the kids will be fine.

Last edited by GoldenR; 27th November 2017 at 1:42 PM..
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Old 27th November 2017, 2:41 PM   #7
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Wow. Sorry to hear about that. What a grenade to throw into someone's marriage all those years later.

But yes, you have to confront him on it. He needs to know you know. Or else for the rest of your lives he will continue to walk around on his perceived high ground.
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Old 27th November 2017, 2:45 PM   #8
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I wouldn't try to rugsweep this. Believe me it's going to eat at you if you just try to ignore it and keep it to yourself.

Also if your husband did have a six month affair of which you had no idea at all, how do you know that was his only one??? Especially if he didn't act any differently during the affair. The only reason you do about his cheating is because this woman told you. And the only reason she did was because of pressure from her fiance. Most women wouldn't have said anything to you. Your husband didn't tell you, you didn't find any clues, and you had no suspicions. That in itself should worry the hell out of you. It sounds like he's a very capable cheater unless you were missing some obvious warning signs.

This could be the tip of the iceberg. Don't shove your head in the sand just because you want it to go away. That's not going to help.

Last edited by JS84; 27th November 2017 at 2:51 PM..
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:22 PM   #9
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Personally I don't know why or how you could just sit on this information. I would jump my husband as soon as he walked through the door but that's just me. It's important to note how he could carry on like that under your nose and you not suspect a thing. Was this his first affair?
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:33 PM   #10
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Why is this a question for us? Why are you hesitating? Why wouldn't you tell him?

You say you "can mostly deal with it" but I doubt you'll continue to be in one place or of one mind about it. You've just started to deal with it, and I can pretty much guarantee you'll go through some changes of heart, especially when you start thinking about your husband's accountability.

And so what about that? How is it okay that this episode in his life should just disappear for everyone with no accountability to you whatsoever? It obviously weighed on her quite a bit.
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:36 PM   #11
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You should confront your husband. Tell him you “know about his cheating” and if he doesn’t fully confess to everything to you, you will divorce him. Provide him with none of the information you have obtained. If he denies ever cheating, you know he is a liar and you should leave him. If he admits to cheating, but doesn’t mention the babysitter, he is a serial cheater and you should leave him. If he admits to the babysitter and his story matches up with what the babysitter told you, there is a chance for reconciliation.

If your husband has cheated in the past seven years (or is currently cheating) he’s going to assume that you know about the current cheating or a more recent infidelity. After seven years, he probably assumes that the babysitter affair is well in the past and not something you’ll ever learn about. Pretty much the only way he will admit to the babysitter is if that is the only affair he has ever engaged in. Thus, you have a good opportunity to discover whether your husband has had any other affairs by confronting him, but not giving him any of the details you discovered on your own.

Last edited by Be_Strong; 27th November 2017 at 3:39 PM..
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:57 PM   #12
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Sorry you are in this position. You need to talk with him and go from there.

I would print off what the girl sent you and give it to him. Then leave the room for him to read it and find you afterwards.

Itís your choice of what to do, but I couldnít stay with my wife if she did the same to me.
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Old 27th November 2017, 4:20 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usa1ah View Post
I would print off what the girl sent you and give it to him.
If she gives him all of the information she has, she will have no way of assessing whether his response is honest. In essence, she will be giving all control over the situation to her husband.
samaraa and burnt like this.
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Old 27th November 2017, 4:24 PM   #14
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I would definitely confront him. I am with the plan to not

divulge what you know, just let him know YOU know there was an indiscretion.
I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through, but you deserve to know the truth.
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Old 27th November 2017, 5:22 PM   #15
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Never reveal your sources.
Noproblem and burnt like this.
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