LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

25 years - we made it


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree52Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 6th October 2017, 6:14 AM   #1
Established Member
 
waterwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South West England
Posts: 2,053
25 years - we made it

Hi

I know this may not be the most immediately appropriate place for this but you are the people who helped me through H's affair. You shared the bad times, I want you to share the good ones too xx. On 17th of this month H and I will have been married 25 years. There have been many times over that quarter century I thought we wouldn't make it - not least when my idiot of an H had an affair with a woman half his age - but here we are! 25 years older and not necessarily 25 years wiser but a lot happier and more content.

We are celebrating with a lunch party for family and an evening do with dancing for everyone else.

The weekend before I am taking all my family to the Eden Project for the weekend so I can run my 4th half marathon (first trail one). I confess that is what I am looking forward to most - running was the biggest part of the 'being responsible for my own happiness' element of my recovery

It is possible to get through this **** and come out better. The affair forced us to be honest with each other and ourselves. We had to look at some nasty stuff a bit too close for comfort but we needed it. I just wish we could have found a less destructive way to have got to where we are now.
waterwoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 7:57 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 590
CONGRATULATIONS on you 25th Anniversary!!! It is a triumph, indeed!


We just celebrated our 25th back in May. Just like you, it was a time for reflection. 5 years back, I thought it was over. I am so glad it was not!!


So, celebrate where you are now. Continue to be happy. We deserve that most of all.
NotCamelot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 8:05 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The South
Posts: 30
That's great. It's very nice to hear a success story. Enjoy your party.
KatieLaw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 8:11 AM   #4
Established Member
 
amaysngrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Jersey Shore
Posts: 23,324
Congratulations to you both and best of luck in the marathon! Good on you for finding a healthy outlet for all those emotions!

Happy Anniversary!
__________________
just dance
amaysngrace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 8:45 AM   #5
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3,075
Quote:
Originally Posted by waterwoman View Post
Hi

I know this may not be the most immediately appropriate place for this but you are the people who helped me through H's affair. You shared the bad times, I want you to share the good ones too xx. On 17th of this month H and I will have been married 25 years. There have been many times over that quarter century I thought we wouldn't make it - not least when my idiot of an H had an affair with a woman half his age - but here we are! 25 years older and not necessarily 25 years wiser but a lot happier and more content.

We are celebrating with a lunch party for family and an evening do with dancing for everyone else.

The weekend before I am taking all my family to the Eden Project for the weekend so I can run my 4th half marathon (first trail one). I confess that is what I am looking forward to most - running was the biggest part of the 'being responsible for my own happiness' element of my recovery

It is possible to get through this **** and come out better. The affair forced us to be honest with each other and ourselves. We had to look at some nasty stuff a bit too close for comfort but we needed it. I just wish we could have found a less destructive way to have got to where we are now.
It's good to share that it is possible to reconcile, and also that it takes a lot of work, with plenty of ups and downs.

Here's to the two of you having another 25 years together ( and more), and may these be full of happiness and joy for both of you.
__________________
"You don't to be invisible to disappear"- R. McNutt
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 1:15 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,250
I love success stories! Congratulations to you both ;-)
ladydesigner is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 1:47 PM   #7
Established Member
 
BetrayedH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 7,364
Congratulations and thanks for updating us.
BetrayedH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2017, 1:49 AM   #8
Established Member
 
merrmeade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Deep in the heart of...
Posts: 2,685
Congratulations but I have a hard time understanding how affair survivors can celebrate anniversaries or at least the number of years they've been officially married. I mean weren't there a few years lost to the affair and its aftermath?

If this is inappropriate, just say so and I'll shut up, but I feel just the opposite and wonder how other affair survivors in R feel about anniversaries.

I really wish someone would do a study on the factors thst make one reconciliation more likely to succeed than another. I'm pretty cynical about this topic and hard to convince that one or the other or both didn't just rug sweep all the bad times.

We're officially in the last half of the fourth decade of a marriage that has barely just begun to be one. I found out about four other infidelities after discovering the fifth and now feel that he'd never considered himself married until I finally discovered his infidelity. That is, he was forced to face and admit his addiction (his word), a need to find someone new to worship him
and to fill this role every 5-10 years. He had a strange objectivity about it once discovered, called it a disease though he'd never seek treatment.

So I've been wondering if my refusal to allow a celebration of our fiftieth, coming up in a few years, will not cause a final rift, since he seems dead set on clevrating it though I'm dead set on not. I think it's a way to get recognition that has not been earned imo.

Last edited by merrmeade; 7th October 2017 at 1:56 AM..
merrmeade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2017, 6:13 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,578
Hi Water woman, congratulations on your upcoming Silver Anniversary! I guess it will feel all the more sweet considering how difficult it has been to get there. I think that there are no certainties in life. On the day one gets married one is full of confidence and joy about the fact that one is embarking on a journey in tandem with someone that one would trust one's life with and that that journey will only end when one and one's partner transition to the other side. One does not expect to encounter minefields and quicksand enroute. However life is nothing if not an education in reality and a jumbled up mix of challenges that test our character to it's core and our emotional strength to it's limit.

So it is that some people stumble and fail and some fall down but get up again and struggle on. I guess you could say that you have, along with your husband, won the marathon of your life and so have every reason to celebrate the happy event. I remember an Advt where it shows people running a marathon and one man is in the lead. The guy just behind him suddenly stumbles and falls to the ground. The obvious choice for the leader is to go on running so as to win the race but he stops and turns around to help the fallen man to his feet after which they both resume running. The tag line of the Advt is 'Be remembered for good'. However, there is another lesson or moral to the story. In my opinion it is that one helps one's fellow man to complete the race. Running and completing the race is more important than winning it. You helped your husband complete the race and I think Merrmeade did the same so there is no reason for her to feel bitter about celebrating her Golden Jubilee anniversary with her husband. After all both of them are completing the race even if she has had to carry her husband on her shoulders! Warm wishes all around.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2017, 9:33 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 53
Smile

Congratulations on your anniversary. So many times on this site people have a knee jerk reaction to divorce.

It's good see a couple put the time and effort in to building a stronger marriage. It's worth it.

Finally some good news on this board!
KimJ1234 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2017, 2:00 PM   #11
Established Member
 
waterwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South West England
Posts: 2,053
Thank everyone for you good wishes xxx it does feel good and it's like we survived a hurricane and came out ok.

Merrmeade - how can your feelings be inappropriate ? They are your experience and your opinions. I guess there is a difference in out experiences. My H's affairs was shortterm and stopped when I found out. He did things right and I never seriously feared he was insincere. If I recall correctly you situation was far more toxic. I salute you for your courage and would never feel your opinion was unwelcome xx
waterwoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th October 2017, 8:17 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 688
Congratulations. Long term R is possible. Our 20 yr anniversary was a few weeks ago. However, it was not even mentioned because I decided years ago not to a knowledge that day on the calendar.

Technically we've been married for 20 years, but in reality it died 18 years ago when my wife invited the OM over to our home while I was out of town. For those BSs that can continue to celebrate their anniversary, go for it. For me, it requires too much reframing and denial of the betrayal.
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th October 2017, 3:43 PM   #13
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,966
Congratulations WaterW.

For those unable to celebrate and who feel the marriage died .... I'm sorry for your pain.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2017, 3:57 AM   #14
Established Member
 
merrmeade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Deep in the heart of...
Posts: 2,685
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
Congratulations. Long term R is possible. Our 20 yr anniversary was a few weeks ago. However, it was not even mentioned because I decided years ago not to a knowledge that day on the calendar.

Technically we've been married for 20 years, but in reality it died 18 years ago when my wife invited the OM over to our home while I was out of town. For those BSs that can continue to celebrate their anniversary, go for it. For me, it requires too much reframing and denial of the betrayal.
I'm glad to know others' think this way, too.

Has your spouse ever asked you to reconsider or tried to talk about it?
merrmeade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2017, 9:29 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 688
Quote:
Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
I'm glad to know others' think this way, too.

Has your spouse ever asked you to reconsider or tried to talk about it?
We've talked about it a lot over the years. The first anniversary after D-day the family went to a concert. The next two anniversaries were breakfast dates. Very low-key. After a few years I told her I couldn't do it anymore. It required too much emotional gymnastics to reframe it as a positive.

She views our marriage as one integrated marriage with ups and downs. I view it as two separate marriages with D-Day being the demarcation. She wants to celebrate our traditional anniversary, but I will not. Sometime earlier in the year we talked about the upcoming 20 yr mark, and she started crying because she can't celebrate it.

We chose another date for the anniversary of our "second" marriage as a mutual resolution. I want nothing to do with our "first marriage".
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
why haven't we made contact? been over 2 years seanster138 General Relationship Discussion 2 4th March 2015 12:26 PM
She dumped me almost 3 years ago, i made a fool of myself and she wants me back? TomRNY Breaks and Breaking Up 7 9th March 2014 7:11 PM
Have you made any New Years' resolutions yet? Angel Heart Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 14 31st December 2012 3:12 PM
Ex-gf made contact after 2 years...what do I do? Logic Second Chances 6 6th May 2010 7:03 PM
GF of 8 Years Made Out With Married Man JohnDoe1978 Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 16 8th April 2008 5:09 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:29 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.