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Am I having an emotional affair?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th September 2017, 7:52 AM   #16
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That this is the question completely baffles me nor do I understand how a crush is harmless. Did you also consider it harmless while you were married? If so, how? Claiming that it's common doesn't make it harmless. It's as if you're two different people, snd the one withe crush is 16, and the other one notices and asks the questions..
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:19 AM   #17
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My response is an emphatic "Yes, you're having an EA"; and that was after reading the first 2 paragraphs
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Old 25th September 2017, 1:59 PM   #18
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Yes you are. This is exactly how my affair with a coworker happened. Cut her off 100%, unless you want your life to get about a bazillion times more complicated and shltty!!
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Old 27th September 2017, 12:02 AM   #19
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My suggestion is to stop playing patty fingers with another man's wife. What are you aiming to do; put another man in the situation you are now in? When you start messing around with another man's wife you first have to give up your honor and integrity. There is no place for them in any kind of affair. I wish you well.
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Old 27th September 2017, 1:16 AM   #20
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These two statements and pretty much everything you said after these statements say it all, “I’ve had a “harmless office crush” for a long time. She’s really pretty and really, really cool. Whenever we talked in the past it was always effortless…..But THEN, she said she had a confession: she'd had a sex dream about me in the past. We laughed about that for a minute, then proceeded to head home. But get this: I found out later that she had been ignoring her husband’s text messages all night.”

YES, you are having an emotional affair! The relationship is allowing her to gauge her own marriage, which is in trouble, the best thing for the both of you, stop talking and hanging out together. Think about it this way, you may end up destroying her marriage when it could have been salvaged and after she’s told you she’s interested in saving her marriage despite its problems. If you have any feelings for this woman allow her the time to repair or end her own relationship; tell her how you feel, the full extent, but you respect her too much to be a wedge between her and her husband, that you can’t see her anymore in any situation other than business. Or something like that, it doesn’t have to be so in depth, but end it…if you become the reason why her marriage ends she could become resentful toward you and it will all fall apart.

Get yourself together, finish your business, and clear your head before you step into another relationship. If you need someone to talk to find a good therapist, I’m sure your company has some sort of employee assistance program where you can get limited mental health benefits. You’re in the midst of an incredible storm, an emotional state where good, sound decisions regarding relationships cannot be effectively made…you want to stop hurting and this woman helps with the pain, once you get her you may realize that this is all she was to you…but I digress…get help, don’t ruin her marriage, end it and allow her to rebuild her marriage. You can overcome this, you will find the right woman, but get yourself straight first, I have hope for you and I will pray for your restoration and success!
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Old 27th September 2017, 5:21 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ayoung73 View Post

Get yourself together, finish your business, and clear your head before you step into another relationship. If you need someone to talk to find a good therapist, I’m sure your company has some sort of employee assistance program where you can get limited mental health benefits. You’re in the midst of an incredible storm, an emotional state where good, sound decisions regarding relationships cannot be effectively made…you want to stop hurting and this woman helps with the pain, once you get her you may realize that this is all she was to you…but I digress…get help, don’t ruin her marriage, end it and allow her to rebuild her marriage. You can overcome this, you will find the right woman, but get yourself straight first, I have hope for you and I will pray for your restoration and success!

This.

Even if you were not participating in the betrayal of another marriage - I would tell you to stay away from single women right now as well.
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Old 29th September 2017, 3:11 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by ayoung73 View Post
Get yourself together, finish your business, and clear your head before you step into another relationship. If you need someone to talk to find a good therapist, I’m sure your company has some sort of employee assistance program where you can get limited mental health benefits. You’re in the midst of an incredible storm, an emotional state where good, sound decisions regarding relationships cannot be effectively made…you want to stop hurting and this woman helps with the pain, once you get her you may realize that this is all she was to you…but I digress…get help, don’t ruin her marriage, end it and allow her to rebuild her marriage. You can overcome this, you will find the right woman, but get yourself straight first, I have hope for you and I will pray for your restoration and success!
Thank you, and everyone else for your level-headed responses. I am weak right now. I am in so much pain over my divorce and missing my kids (I only have them 50% of the time after being used to seeing them every day of their whole lives).

This week things seem to ratchet up a little more. A tiny bit. More mid-day walks, a couple lunches out, long talks, more light touches (rubbing back and arms in certain moments of discussion). A lot more getting to know each other, our histories, etc.

I think telling her the full extent of my feelings and cutting it off is not a bad idea. BUT... I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Because I'm still not convinced this is an EA on *her part*. If it isn't, and I bring it up, I will get fully rejected and feel like a total fool. I feel like I can't handle any more rejection at this point, I am close to the edge. What if she's just being really nice, trying to be good to a new friend who's going through a difficult time? What if those light touches are just the way she is with a lot of people? She does have a flirtatious vibe about her.

But my gut feeling (and everyone else I tell this to) thinks her actions are going way beyond that of a normal office friendship. I don't know what to do. To spill my guts to her about my feelings might end up in total humiliation for me.
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Old 30th September 2017, 4:59 AM   #23
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Hi Bardo, I am really sorry to see you here. I guess from where you are it all seems doom and gloom but remember one thing. As an upright and honest man it is incumbent on you to uphold some ethical and moral values. This may sound like preaching but the relevant point is that in your vulnerability you are likely to commit blunders which will come to haunt you later on. If you need a shoulder to cry on then find a male buddy on whom you can unburden.

You have been given excellent advice especially by old lion and ayoung73 and you must heed that. It would be tragic if, in trying to cope with your own divorce, you become responsible for the breakup of another persons marriage. If this lady, on whose shoulders you seem to lean so heavily on, at a later point of time breaks up with her husband and the chemistry is still strong between you two you can think about courting her. However, right now you should politely tell her that you two should distance yourselves from each other precisely for the reason that you do not want to jeopardize her relationship. Be a man and do the right thing. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 30th September 2017 at 5:02 AM..
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Old 30th September 2017, 12:11 PM   #24
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Seriously?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bardo12 View Post
Thank you, and everyone else for your level-headed responses. I am weak right now. I am in so much pain over my divorce and missing my kids (I only have them 50% of the time after being used to seeing them every day of their whole lives).

This week things seem to ratchet up a little more. A tiny bit. More mid-day walks, a couple lunches out, long talks, more light touches (rubbing back and arms in certain moments of discussion). A lot more getting to know each other, our histories, etc.

I think telling her the full extent of my feelings and cutting it off is not a bad idea. BUT... I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Because I'm still not convinced this is an EA on *her part*. If it isn't, and I bring it up, I will get fully rejected and feel like a total fool. I feel like I can't handle any more rejection at this point, I am close to the edge. What if she's just being really nice, trying to be good to a new friend who's going through a difficult time? What if those light touches are just the way she is with a lot of people? She does have a flirtatious vibe about her.

But my gut feeling (and everyone else I tell this to) thinks her actions are going way beyond that of a normal office friendship. I don't know what to do. To spill my guts to her about my feelings might end up in total humiliation for me.
Bring up your feelings? Dude, she's married. What part are you missing here?

You don't want to end it because you like the rush of domapine and the ego boost at a low point in your life. You know full well she's not just being a friend. If so, suggest you meet her husband and all go on a double date. It's ridiculous.

You know what you *should* do but you seem to be ignoring all the advice here. If you keep playing with this fire you will get badly burned. That's for certain.

Stop now. Focus on your healing.
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Old 30th September 2017, 12:23 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bardo12 View Post
Thank you, and everyone else for your level-headed responses. I am weak right now. I am in so much pain over my divorce and missing my kids (I only have them 50% of the time after being used to seeing them every day of their whole lives).

This week things seem to ratchet up a little more. A tiny bit. More mid-day walks, a couple lunches out, long talks, more light touches (rubbing back and arms in certain moments of discussion). A lot more getting to know each other, our histories, etc.

I think telling her the full extent of my feelings and cutting it off is not a bad idea. BUT... I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Because I'm still not convinced this is an EA on *her part*. If it isn't, and I bring it up, I will get fully rejected and feel like a total fool. I feel like I can't handle any more rejection at this point, I am close to the edge. What if she's just being really nice, trying to be good to a new friend who's going through a difficult time? What if those light touches are just the way she is with a lot of people? She does have a flirtatious vibe about her.

But my gut feeling (and everyone else I tell this to) thinks her actions are going way beyond that of a normal office friendship. I don't know what to do. To spill my guts to her about my feelings might end up in total humiliation for me.
It's an EA, and it sounds like you want it to move to a PA. But the only thing preventing that is your fear of physical rejection. The longer you keep up with the EA pattern, you will break down any emotional barriers she has to moving over to a PA. It sounds like that is what you wish to do? Is it?
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