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how did you find out about the affair?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th September 2017, 1:31 PM   #1
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how did you find out about the affair?

How did you find out your spouse was having an affair?

I found out because I saw a few things that I thought were a bit wonky, and asked him about it. I never expected the answer I got...that he had been cheating. I thought it would be something far less serious.

It was really strange, almost as if he had been bursting to say something and was really glad to have gotten the words out.

How did you find out, and do you feel that it affected your decision to reconcile/ not reconcile? For me it did, as if I had found out on my own, I couldn't have ever trusted him again.
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Old 11th September 2017, 1:46 PM   #2
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How did you find out your spouse was having an affair?

I found out because I saw a few things that I thought were a bit wonky, and asked him about it. I never expected the answer I got...that he had been cheating. I thought it would be something far less serious.

It was really strange, almost as if he had been bursting to say something and was really glad to have gotten the words out.

How did you find out, and do you feel that it affected your decision to reconcile/ not reconcile? For me it did, as if I had found out on my own, I couldn't have ever trusted him again.
She was just really different and all of a sudden uber sexual. She bought a viberator which was odd. The real giveaway was the death grip on her phone. I saw her open up her phone and remembered the password. One night she left it out and I pounced. I suspected an affair and even told her that 3 weeks prior and I was called 'insecure' and 'paranoid.' She began to talk with 2 guys- a good looking realtor and a really hairy ugly guy. Turns out she was just friends with the realtor (nothing at all there) but was in a full blown EA with the ugly hairy beast. I never would have ever suspected the hairy guy since he just typically isn't what she would find attractive. I was there when they met at our kids cub scout meeting. Turns out they were not just 'friends from back in the day' rather former FWBs from 1999-2001. I will never forget how she was real puffy chested saying 'if you have something to say to me then say it.' I said (after I called her a fraud), 'do you really want me to tell you that I know you are cheating on me with HAIRY (I said his name)?' She fell to the ground bawling and that was that. Still not fully recovered and that was April 2016. I met with him and put the fear of God into him. He fed me details to the point where she saw that he was turning on her big time. They've been NC since.
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Old 11th September 2017, 1:48 PM   #3
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Both of us always used each other's phones.

He returned from a business trip and I noticed some extra correspondence from someone new....

I asked him who she was, and he said "a business contact" - seemed obviously fishy to me, but I didn't dig more....

Until his phone lit up one morning shortly thereafter with a titty picture from the "business contact". Getting no the truth was like pulling teeth, but eventually came out.

How was I discovered? He had reason to have suspicion, went through my stuff and found evidence (condoms and a business card) - when confronted I spilled the beans.
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Old 11th September 2017, 2:12 PM   #4
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He was tied to his phone (never was before).

So I was suspicious.... And then I saw the notification come up on his phone.
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Old 11th September 2017, 3:51 PM   #5
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I found a picture of a scantily dressed woman on his phone. I confronted him, he denied. It was the tip of the iceberg.

I secretly put an app on his phone afterwards that downloaded all texts and emails to my Gmail account.

One of his more recent AP's sent him a text to come over. I saved the message and confronted him when I got home.

He denied again. I asked to look at his phone and surprise surprise he had deleted the text.

I said "well its a good thing I kept her number. How about you call her and put it on speaker phone".

Well he did and she busted him. It was ugly. While on the speaker phone he pretended not to know her.

Him: "Who is this??"
Her: "what, you don't remember me giving you head"

I can't imagine the panic he must've felt during that phone call.

He admitted to some but my gut told me there was more.

So after a year of trying to forgive half truths I booked an appointment for a lie detector test. Told him to take it if he ever expects me to forgive.

That's when it all came out. I finally feel like I have all the truth. Or at least all I want. Whatever is left I don't want to know about. He's a completely changed man at this point and I refuse to live in the past.

It seems like a lifetime ago sometimes, and just yesterday too.
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Old 11th September 2017, 4:09 PM   #6
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I had zero clue until Dday.

I wanted to look up some old school friends I was thinking about looking them up but never got around to it.

We always knew each other passwords but we are not too much into social media ..it was 7 months gap before I logged in to his fb account .he had changed his password I thought may be he forgot to tell me .

I logged into his email changed the password thinking I would let him know later .
Nothing on his fb account .but weirdly enough mutual friends were unfriended .family members unfriended .but I did not give it much attention .

I was about to log off when a name on the friend list caught my attention .I heard her name when I was discussing some business details .I asked who it was he then said she is fiance of a friend who was helping him in a business deal.

So curiously I clicked on her name .
And then my world came crashing down on her time line was a picture of my h and her sitting side by side with caption in a relationship since nov 2010 ...it was April 2012 when I was looking at it .(18 month 17 days to the day )


I was shaking I picked up the phone called him
He answered .I said I want a divorce .he said he was coming home it's not what it looks like ..i hung up .
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Old 11th September 2017, 5:47 PM   #7
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We had just returned from a long holiday. He was being irritable an snappy with me on his return to work and then, two days later, on our wedding anniversary, which isn't like him. and I got cross and asked what was wrong - not very kindly I must admit - I asked him if he wanted to call it a day as he'd been so weird.

. First he said he had been thinking of divorce And wasn't happy. I knew the marriage was a comfortable place to be and that he wouldn't leave it without someone in the wings and told him that. He denied but after 30 years, I think we pretty much know our partners, so I persisted.

So he told me. It had stopped before the holiday ( it was a very inappropriate relationship) and on his return to work, where he saw her again withdrawal and absolute obsession kicked in.

And then a visual procession of the behavioural clues I had subliminally noticed but dismissed came flashing through my mind - including fleeting scenarios/ facial expressions etc I hadn't consciously noticed at the time but must have filed under 'odd'.

The whole experience was surreal for both of us.

It might have felt better had he confessed freely, but I don't think it made any difference to my attitude to reconciliation. I had decided he had lost his mind anyway and the affair was so inappropriate it couldn't have survived in real life, His behaviour was altogether so crazy, I thought he had a brain tumour.
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Old 11th September 2017, 6:09 PM   #8
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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his name@Yahoo.com. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.
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Old 11th September 2017, 8:15 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Cymbeline View Post
We had just returned from a long holiday. He was being irritable an snappy with me on his return to work and then, two days later, on our wedding anniversary, which isn't like him. and I got cross and asked what was wrong - not very kindly I must admit - I asked him if he wanted to call it a day as he'd been so weird.

. First he said he had been thinking of divorce And wasn't happy. I knew the marriage was a comfortable place to be and that he wouldn't leave it without someone in the wings and told him that. He denied but after 30 years, I think we pretty much know our partners, so I persisted.

So he told me. It had stopped before the holiday ( it was a very inappropriate relationship) and on his return to work, where he saw her again withdrawal and absolute obsession kicked in.

And then a visual procession of the behavioural clues I had subliminally noticed but dismissed came flashing through my mind - including fleeting scenarios/ facial expressions etc I hadn't consciously noticed at the time but must have filed under 'odd'.

The whole experience was surreal for both of us.

It might have felt better had he confessed freely, but I don't think it made any difference to my attitude to reconciliation. I had decided he had lost his mind anyway and the affair was so inappropriate it couldn't have survived in real life, His behaviour was altogether so crazy, I thought he had a brain tumour.
this type of thing gets said a lot on here. it seems really common.
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Old 11th September 2017, 8:23 PM   #10
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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his name@Yahoo.com. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.
that is awful. it's bad enough she did that to you, but to her own children?

that is her loss. it sounds like you are there for them, and with a dad like you in the picture, I expect they'll turn out great and "launch" into the world just fine.

the dichotomy you talk about goes along with the comment I made above about how there are many examples of the weird kind of way some ws act.

My personal favorites:
- I love you,but I am not in love with you ( that's so popular it should be a meme...it probably is)
- you are suddenly too controlling/boring/into your work/ never around/always around/ don't understand me or what have you. these lines are really common. One day, you are such great person, the next you are awful, then after that? you are great again. What the hell is that anyway?
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Old 11th September 2017, 9:12 PM   #11
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He was pushing her to leave me for him, so one time when she was at his house (supposed to be hanging with a female friend that night), he had her start changing her email address on all of her accounts (credit cards, phone, etc) to his email address. She never wanted her own email address, so she used mine. All of a sudden I get so these notifications that the email address on file for these accounts has changed to his email address, which was simply his name@Yahoo.com. I knew him. He worked with her. I know where he lived (from a work party that was there), so I drove over, staked out his house until I saw them drive up from a trip to the grocery store. They walked in holding hands. I went home and packed every bit of her belongings into a bunch of 30-gallon lawn trash bags. At around 2am, I made 4 back and forth trips over there and put them all on his porch in front of his front door. When they came out the next morning, he fell into them.

She called me. I told her that that was her house. She never came back, and didn't even try to get the girls.
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Old 11th September 2017, 9:14 PM   #12
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that is awful. it's bad enough she did that to you, but to her own children?

that is her loss. it sounds like you are there for them, and with a dad like you in the picture, I expect they'll turn out great and "launch" into the world just fine.

the dichotomy you talk about goes along with the comment I made above about how there are many examples of the weird kind of way some ws act.

My personal favorites:
- I love you,but I am not in love with you ( that's so popular it should be a meme...it probably is)
- you are suddenly too controlling/boring/into your work/ never around/always around/ don't understand me or what have you. these lines are really common. One day, you are such great person, the next you are awful, then after that? you are great again. What the hell is that anyway?
Yes the good old I love you but I'm not in love with you.
No way can a BH's mind find any use for that statement.
Pulling him in two different directions simultaneously.
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:03 PM   #13
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that is awful. it's bad enough she did that to you, but to her own children?

that is her loss. it sounds like you are there for them, and with a dad like you in the picture, I expect they'll turn out great and "launch" into the world just fine.

the dichotomy you talk about goes along with the comment I made above about how there are many examples of the weird kind of way some ws act.

My personal favorites:
- I love you,but I am not in love with you ( that's so popular it should be a meme...it probably is)
- you are suddenly too controlling/boring/into your work/ never around/always around/ don't understand me or what have you. these lines are really common. One day, you are such great person, the next you are awful, then after that? you are great again. What the hell is that anyway?
This was quite a while back. They were 8 & 11 when she
left (she had left a couple times before, but this was the final time). They were so ready to be rid of her. They became kids again, immediately after she left. They were so happy. They're both grown now and have both given me grandkids.

As far as how she acted during the A, she was never nice to any of us. She was the devil the entire time.
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:24 PM   #14
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This was quite a while back. They were 8 & 11 when she
left (she had left a couple times before, but this was the final time). They were so ready to be rid of her. They became kids again, immediately after she left. They were so happy. They're both grown now and have both given me grandkids.

As far as how she acted during the A, she was never nice to any of us. She was the devil the entire time.
Your girls are great. As I remember they were the ones pushing you to bag her stuff up.

Gotta love em!!!!!
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Old 11th September 2017, 11:35 PM   #15
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Your girls are great. As I remember they were the ones pushing you to bag her stuff up.

Gotta love em!!!!!
Yep! They sure we're!
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