Feeling ashamed

[LedHead21]

My story is long, and at this point annoying to even me. Most days I'm good, some days/weeks I'm not. It's really just hit and miss.

 

Recently I'm concerned I've developed a bit of a drinking problem. Which is completely out of character. Some nights it's just to relax(kids are out for summer and I've taken on two extras as a babysitting gig) then there are nights that I'm using it to numb myself. Well last weekend I got wasted after my best friend came over to hang out (kids were gone for the night) and my SO went to bed. My SO and best friend are at odds because of everything that's happened in the past with our relationship. So her and I were catching up because we haven't seen eachother in a while due to tension and me creating space. So basically I got wasted Friday night and decided to text a guy I used to mess around with in a FWB way. I've never had feelings for the guy, and once I started dating my SO I cut that off. I don't know what I was thinking but I was obviously wasted because none of it really made sense when I read it the next day. But long story short I passed out on the couch and my SO got ahold of my phone. It all blew up from there. This guy is a POS, he's married, has kids..the whole nine yards. I knew better and I don't want to blame it solely on the alcohol but I can't help but feel like this was a suppressed need to hurt my SO's feelings the same as mine. I have fantasized about it since I had no leg to stand on while he was having an EA among other things while I was pregnant. But now, I can't handle this feeling of guilt. I've had actual pains in my stomach since that night. I don't know how people can carry out any affair because just the pain of sending those texts back and forth and the man I love reading them, feels like I've been ripped wide open. I know I'll never go back to the person I was before I found out most of my relationship was a lie but he's made so much progress and change to fix the wrongs why am I regressing? And more importantly why am I becoming dependent on alcohol? I've since that night not had an liquor but I can't help but wonder if we're broken beyond repair at this point and I'm blowing up what's left of it, what we've worked so hard for.

 

Thank you for reading, any insight is greatly appreciated.

[GoldenR]

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You've not yet healed, and some people just don't have it in them to heal after a spouse's betrayal.

 

Learn from it, but no need to be miserable over it.

[harrybrown]

actions are important.

 

words are less important.

 

have you tried to protect your marriage and your H?

 

Or do you want to blow it all up?

 

one way to protect the marriage and your H is to with his approval, send a NC letter to the FWB and tell his wife about your relationship with him.

 

This could have consequences, but you will be putting your marriage ahead of your relationship with the FWB.

 

Good luck with rebuilding trust.

 

is your best friend a friend of your marriage? why did she not help you to not contact the FWB?

 

Not her decision, but if she is your best friend, she should help you to avoid bad situations.

 

So now if you and your best friend go for a girl's night out, your H knows that she is not a friend of the marriage.

 

He will trigger if you are around her.

 

Ouch.

[LedHead21]

Nothing has happened with this FWB, this is the first contact we've had since the both of us have been in a relationships so I don't feel I need to blow up his marriage because I was searching for an ego feed via text. He is a friend of my family's (we grew up together) and everyone knows he's a player..there's no need for me to be a whistle blower just because he was an easy target for my ****ed up mentality while drunk. My best friend is a big support in our relationship, she had no idea I was texting him because she would've stopped me dead in my tracks. I want to protect my relationship, I want this to work. Just wondering if anyone else experienced destructive behavior prior to d-day.

[Jersey born raised]

So BF is a friend first of the marriage ? If so keep and treasures her always.

[Superchicken]

Hi Ledhead21,

 

 

Alcohol creates a false sense of confidence.

This is why you went ahead with the text. In sober form, it wouldn't have been something you would normally have done, as common sense, and intelligence has a play here.

 

 

So, lets not dwell too much on this.

However, "Its the thought that counts" (Pardon the PUN).

So, to me, Its self explanatory when you thought that, it may have been a way to get back at your partner for the EA he had during the pregnancy.

 

 

First, its really low when a H cheats on his partner when pregnant.

That should be the happiest times for both, when you know your child is starting its life.

 

 

Anyhoot, there are obvious issues that haven't been resolved for YOU.

These need to be addressed by your H, and HE needs to fix it first for you.

You cant move on till this gets put back on the discussion table and resolved.

Don't put it on the back burner again, as it has been eating you from inside to out for a long time.

Cracks are now just starting to form, and you are rebelling on your H because of the unhealed pain.

 

 

Fix these first, and then work on the other.

But, I'm sure one will fix the other once its all said and done.

 

 

I'm really not to concerned about the text, if it was an isolated "First time" event.

Women also do dumb things. Like, they say "Yes" when we propose.. Go figure .

 

 

The fact your regretful, spells volumes.

 

 

Keep your concern of the root cause, and sort that out.

Look forward to hearing you cope better, and get Mr Jingle bells on par with your feelings on his EA in the past.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[sac555]

As you know, and even write..alcohol doesn't make anything better. Hang in there, just stop...get involved in something that helps you or others, feel good about yourself.

Another thing...maybe you should let him read your post! It's heartwarming and open and repentive...all the things your SO needs to hear and to know. I pray he will receive your apologies, and that the two of you can move forward as a family. Maybe he will want to go to marriage counseling things together...that could help.

Praying for you!